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Original poster

I don't understand him

84 replies

bunny85 · 24/04/2021 22:13

Hi all, I've been posting about my husband's behaviour recently and some of you may remember. It has been generally established that there was nothing wrong with him and it was my attitude that perhaps needed sorting out. I've taken all of that on board and has been trying to make amends. However, tonight happened something that I'm not sure anymore who's right and who's wrong and I completely lost any perspective.

So briefly, for the background, we've been together for 11 years and we have 2 young children. He works 6 days a week and I'm SAHM. He helps around the house and with the kids.

Now for the problem. He goes to play football and then to the pub every/ every other Sunday evening and has been doing so since we met (and before that, pretty much all his adult life). Fine.

Now I've decided to start swimming on Saturdays and have booked myself into swimming pool today at 4pm. I told him about that last night and he said that's cool and he'll be home 3.30pm. So today come 3.30 no sight of him. I call him and he's saying he's running behind. There were voices in the background and I think he was in the pub. From the way he spoke I had impression that he forgot about my swimming and was reluctant to admit he went to the pub. I got angry over the phone and started shouting that I needed to leave as I want to go swimming. He was saying can you go tomorrow and I said no. He then said I'll see you in about an hour but I was so livid I hang up. So I was expecting to see him at 4.30 at home and no sight of him again. I decided not to call him this time round even though I was fuming. So dinner time comes, I feed the kids and start putting them to bed. He then turns up at 8 o'clock (!!) and comes upstairs and takes the youngest (he's 14 months and he usually puts him to bed since I stopped BF at night and he sleeps with him) and tries to put him to sleep but I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me and anyway he was getting annoyed that I kept arguing in front of the kids and he said to me that he'll put them both to sleep and I can just go and relax and he's happy for me to go anywhere I like tomorrow and he'll take care of the kids but it was said in a way like as if it's not a big deal and what's all the fuss about since he said sorry. So if course he was in the pub.

I stormed off and went to take a bath. I'm more calm now and need to decide what strategy to take now. I think he's trying to make it sound as if it's not such a big deal but it is for me. I think it's a total disrespect of my needs and everything, I was absolutely livid. What would you do?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 24/04/2021 22:16

He's a selfish pig. You wanted one afternoon to swim. I'd be fuming too.

NotaCoolMum · 24/04/2021 22:49

He’s selfish and you are not wrong for feeling angry. You are wrong for yelling in front of your kids though.

sunnydays78 · 24/04/2021 22:57

I remember these situations all to well. I would be crying with anger. Selfish guy!

getyourfreakon · 24/04/2021 23:05

He's seriously messed up here and it needs sorting out, I'd be livid too but I hope you weren't screaming in front of the kids. That's not on at all. At that point you've lost any kind of high ground. It's between you and him, not for the kids to witness you losing your shit.

BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 04:20

Your needs are not important or relevant to Him.

He is the boss, He needs his alone time, you do not.

This is how he views your relationship.

You need to correct this asap 🌸

Lampan · 25/04/2021 04:26

I agree with the other comments. He’s selfish and thinks his own plans are more important than yours. I would make sure I went out tomorrow for as much of the day as I could and leave him to look after the kids. Tell him you’ll be back at 8pm. Meet a friend or go for a walk. Just make sure you get out of the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2021 04:39

He is definitely in the wrong and a total selfish arsehole, however, you have got to pull yourself together and stop screaming and rowing in front of your children. That should never happen again.

Thatwentbadly · 25/04/2021 04:43

@Aquamarine1029

He is definitely in the wrong and a total selfish arsehole, however, you have got to pull yourself together and stop screaming and rowing in front of your children. That should never happen again.
I completely agree. Honestly if I was your DH I would not be staying in your marriage.

Did you believe he had genuinely forgotten or was it deliberate? You say at first you think he forgot if that’s the case and he immediately apologised etc then one mistake is forgivable but a reoccurrence is not. Overall your relationship sounds incredible toxic so and it’s difficult from one message to work out what’s happening.

Darker · 25/04/2021 04:49

I’m not clear ... you said he goes to play football on Sundays but this happened on Saturday?

So was he playing football on Saturday and you booked swimming on the same day?

Or did he go to the pub on Saturday when you were expecting him to be home because it’s not his football/pub day?

BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 05:29

He's a selfish prick OP.

Amdone123 · 25/04/2021 05:48

He's selfish. I would be so annoyed, too. And the more he minimised it, the angrier I would get.
Of course it's not ok to argue, shout in front of the kids, but you were annoyed. You're not a robot. We all lose it every now and again.

Figgyboa · 25/04/2021 07:30

Yikes! You lost your shit, screamed at him and chased him around because, per your words, he had forgotten about your swimming. YABU.

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:11

@Darker

I’m not clear ... you said he goes to play football on Sundays but this happened on Saturday?

So was he playing football on Saturday and you booked swimming on the same day?

Or did he go to the pub on Saturday when you were expecting him to be home because it’s not his football/pub day?

Yes, the latter. Expected him to be home.
OP posts:
Darker · 25/04/2021 08:17

My ex pulled this sort of shit all the time. Would just disappear for hours without saying where he was, but it usually involved the pub. It's rubbish when you are left trying to keep the household routine going for small children.

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:26

@Darker

My ex pulled this sort of shit all the time. Would just disappear for hours without saying where he was, but it usually involved the pub. It's rubbish when you are left trying to keep the household routine going for small children.
It doesn't happen often thankfully.

I feel awful having reacted the way I did. Not because I 'hurt his feelings' as I couldn't give a shit about his feelings right now, but because, as pp has pointed out, I've lost any high ground by doing that and sort of became the one in the wrong. I just hate myself for this, I'm absolutely unable to keep my emotions in control Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:26

*under control

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 25/04/2021 08:29

I think he was being very selfish, but I wonder if he thinks its his right as the breadwinner? I wonder what his understanding is of a relationship and the balance of it? I’d be looking at his parents relationship and what that is like.

Could it be he thinks he works hard, he is entitled to doing what he likes at weekends? Your need for free time is less important because you are at home?

I think being a SAHM is lovely, but it puts women at a great disadvantage. If I were you I would get a part-time job to keep your skills current for the future. I think its puts relationships on more of an even keel if you are both working.

Kittykat93 · 25/04/2021 08:32

@Aquamarine1029

He is definitely in the wrong and a total selfish arsehole, however, you have got to pull yourself together and stop screaming and rowing in front of your children. That should never happen again.

This

ElspethFlashman · 25/04/2021 08:33

tries to put him to sleep but I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me and anyway he was getting annoyed that I kept arguing in front of the kids

This was reallybad. How are the kids meant to go to sleep after that? How are they supposed to feel? You need to apologise to them for screaming at bedtime.

In my opinion, your reaction was worse than the crime. Oh sure, he was a prick, but he was right in that moment - this row could have waited until they were asleep, and 100% should have. Now the kids are getting fucked up.

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:39

@ElspethFlashman

tries to put him to sleep but I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me and anyway he was getting annoyed that I kept arguing in front of the kids

This was reallybad. How are the kids meant to go to sleep after that? How are they supposed to feel? You need to apologise to them for screaming at bedtime.

In my opinion, your reaction was worse than the crime. Oh sure, he was a prick, but he was right in that moment - this row could have waited until they were asleep, and 100% should have. Now the kids are getting fucked up.

I'm unable to control myself when I'm angry and then regret it always. I've been looking at anger management courses online
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 08:46

@Aquamarine1029

He is definitely in the wrong and a total selfish arsehole, however, you have got to pull yourself together and stop screaming and rowing in front of your children. That should never happen again.
Exactly this.
HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 08:48

If you are unable to control yourself but I can see why he wants to be out of the house 13 days out of 14.

HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 08:48

Then, not but

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:50

@HollowTalk

If you are unable to control yourself but I can see why he wants to be out of the house 13 days out of 14.
No we usually get on well, it's only when we argue. I've started taking some calming herbal drops as well
OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 25/04/2021 08:52

You said on your other thread that he is overworked, stressed, depressed and snappy. He normally works 6 days a week. And he sleeps with the baby.

However you didn't say how bad your temper was. And you were apparently baffled by why he was withdrawing from you. You just said you were spoilt.

You guys need marriage counselling.
I think you are both finding each other very hard to live with.

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