I don't understand him

[bunny85]

Hi all, I've been posting about my husband's behaviour recently and some of you may remember. It has been generally established that there was nothing wrong with him and it was my attitude that perhaps needed sorting out. I've taken all of that on board and has been trying to make amends. However, tonight happened something that I'm not sure anymore who's right and who's wrong and I completely lost any perspective.

So briefly, for the background, we've been together for 11 years and we have 2 young children. He works 6 days a week and I'm SAHM. He helps around the house and with the kids.

Now for the problem. He goes to play football and then to the pub every/ every other Sunday evening and has been doing so since we met (and before that, pretty much all his adult life). Fine.

Now I've decided to start swimming on Saturdays and have booked myself into swimming pool today at 4pm. I told him about that last night and he said that's cool and he'll be home 3.30pm. So today come 3.30 no sight of him. I call him and he's saying he's running behind. There were voices in the background and I think he was in the pub. From the way he spoke I had impression that he forgot about my swimming and was reluctant to admit he went to the pub. I got angry over the phone and started shouting that I needed to leave as I want to go swimming. He was saying can you go tomorrow and I said no. He then said I'll see you in about an hour but I was so livid I hang up. So I was expecting to see him at 4.30 at home and no sight of him again. I decided not to call him this time round even though I was fuming. So dinner time comes, I feed the kids and start putting them to bed. He then turns up at 8 o'clock (!!) and comes upstairs and takes the youngest (he's 14 months and he usually puts him to bed since I stopped BF at night and he sleeps with him) and tries to put him to sleep but I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me and anyway he was getting annoyed that I kept arguing in front of the kids and he said to me that he'll put them both to sleep and I can just go and relax and he's happy for me to go anywhere I like tomorrow and he'll take care of the kids but it was said in a way like as if it's not a big deal and what's all the fuss about since he said sorry. So if course he was in the pub.

I stormed off and went to take a bath. I'm more calm now and need to decide what strategy to take now. I think he's trying to make it sound as if it's not such a big deal but it is for me. I think it's a total disrespect of my needs and everything, I was absolutely livid. What would you do?

This is not healthy at all.

It's shit what he did and having lived with someone like that for 5 years, I think the not coming home when he knew you had booked swimming was deliberate.
However, you should not have started shouting at him like that and certainly not in front of the children.

It's very frustrating and of course, easy to lose your temper when someone is going on with you like that but you really do need to try to get it under control with some anger management.

You also need marriage guidance as this is obviously not working.
If that does not help then you would be better off splitting for everyone's mental health.

@JungleIsMassive

Yes, also, do you scream, lose control and chase other people around when you're upset or not getting your own way? Strangers? Parents? Friends? Your children?

Im loving this victim blaming...

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

No?

Is going to work not a planned activity? (OK, I could have phrased that better)

As pubs are still closed inside, the voices you could hear were probably his workmates. But you assumed he was at the pub and started shouting at him.

omg

Im loving this victim blaming...

It's her husband that sounds like he's the victim in all this 🤷‍♀️

Once today is out the way, you both need to sit down and have a calm talk about what happened.

He needs to give you some down time, the same as you give him.

He will find that if you divorce he will have them EOW and won't be able to go to the pub and football.

This could be a serious consideration if he doesn't play fair.

And for what it's worth, everyone is allowed a blow up,just don't make it a habit

@ivfbeenbusy

Im loving this victim blaming...

It's her husband that sounds like he's the victim in all this 🤷‍♀️

I disagree...

OP reacted to his actions.. he just push push push pushes her boundaries..

she snaps and its Her fault..

I hate crap like this... He caused it all.

OP you sound like a great person.

Right. Update.

I went out today at 9.30am and left him with the children. I then returned at 2.30pm. I had a lunch at a restaurant (outside) with my friend, then had a walk in the park and read a book and then met another friend briefly.

I came home and I was much calmer and so was he. The kids were playing in the garden and so we managed to have a chat.

It turns out there was a problem at work last night and he had to stay late (electrical fault), he nipped out to the pub to grab a beer while waiting for the electricians to arrive. He said he was trying to explain yesterday but I was in a state and wouldn't listen. He said sorry again. I also said sorry for shouting and I promised I'd never do this again in front of the children (I don't do this often in front of them really). I said I got upset that he said he'd be home in an hour and turned up in four and he said sorry and that he'll make sure he'll keep me informed if something like this happens again.

Now for my outbursts. A close friend of mine is doing a degree in psychology and I called her for advice and she's happy to provide me with some counselling for free 😂. She said there are some very effective techniques I can use to control my temper and I'm looking forward to our first session.

What I'm trying to establish though is whether my husband is abusive or not. I'll watch out for any signs of abuse and if he is he'll pay a high price for it I'll make sure. I'm not going to let anyone treat me like a doormat. I've forgiven him for now and given him a benefit of the doubt.

Thanks for all your helpful advices.

Well done OP 🌸

@BlueDahlia69

It Swings both ways in this relationship it seems.

Chasing your husband around the house shouting and screaming whilst he's holding the kids doesn't sound like someone who is a great person would say.

It's great they had a calm chat and they have both said they need to work on things.

Good luck OP!

@JungleIsMassive

You don't believe OP is a good person, as is your right..

I believe peoples boundaries being pushed react to this.

But OP has resolved it thankfully 🌸

[quote BlueDahlia69]@JungleIsMassive

You don't believe OP is a good person, as is your right..

I believe peoples boundaries being pushed react to this.

But OP has resolved it thankfully 🌸[/quote]
I don't believe she isn't a good person. You said great. Great Is different to good. Either way. Neither of us know them they could both be assholes or one of them could be far more abusive then the other. I've never met them. So really I guess we don't have any right to say if they are good or bad!
Its a bloody guess, from a one sided Veiw point of a strangers marriage.

[quote BlueDahlia69]@JungleIsMassive

You don't believe OP is a good person, as is your right..

I believe peoples boundaries being pushed react to this.

But OP has resolved it thankfully 🌸[/quote]
I agree. When people do this to me I feel my blood boiling and I can't possibly keep calm, my heart is racing and I just see red. If it wasn't for the children he'd be sorry he was born so he should be grateful that he had it easy really.

While you do your counselling, think of strategies to help you avoid the confrontation while you're angry and regulate yourself. Eg in the situation where he was putting the kids to bed, you could have gone for a short walk or drive since you knew the kids were safe. Or put headphones in and listened to some music etc.

Longer term make sure you talk to your H about planning free time for each of you that can not be cancelled except in an emergency. Something regular, like his pub night, would be best.

As parents of young children you have to be a team and respect each others right to time away from them. It can't be that he is the only one to have it just because you are there with them during the week when he's at work.

Be assertive but reasonable and work out a plan. If he doesn't keep to it, you know you've got problems with him.

When people do this to me I feel my blood boiling and I can't possibly keep calm, my heart is racing and I just see red.

What are you going to do about this inability to control your temper when it comes to your children pushing you to your limits? Free counselling from a friend (totally unethical once she qualifies by the way, and on shaky ground if she frames it as actual counselling even now) isn't going to cut it if your temper is as quick and extreme as you've admitted yourself.

If it wasn't for the children he'd be sorry he was born so he should be grateful that he had it easy really.

This language is so incredibly violent, you sound like you do have a lot of unresolved anger. Would you not consider paying to see a professional, qualified, independent counsellor to help with all this?

@Outbutnotoutout

Once today is out the way, you both need to sit down and have a calm talk about what happened.

He needs to give you some down time, the same as you give him.

He will find that if you divorce he will have them EOW and won't be able to go to the pub and football.

This could be a serious consideration if he doesn't play fair.

And for what it's worth, everyone is allowed a blow up,just don't make it a habit

Going by the most recent posts, it sounds just as likely that it would be OP having them EOW and him only going to football/the pub when the children have contact with her.

No I've never been violent to anyone in my life. But obviously if he continued treating me this way I wouldn't be just accepting it silently. We don't argue often thankfully so that's just an assumption, anyway we managed to work it out and let's just hope we keep it this way.

As for the children I rarely lose my cool as I know they are immature and little. My husband on the other hand is perfectly capable of respecting me and that's what's expected really. I only asked for 1 hour of swim a week.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes I'll surely look into some professional counselling but my friend already gave me some tips what to do in the actual moment of anger just to cool down the emotions quick and I think I'll work. Still hoping I'm not going to ever have to put it into practice through!

I hope I don't swim and catch you in the swimming lane!

Yy to. Prev poster saying your friend offering counselling is unethical and dodgy... There shouldn't be an existing relationship between counsellor and patient... It's not an ideal situation.

@JoyOrbison

I hope I don't swim and catch you in the swimming lane!

Yy to. Prev poster saying your friend offering counselling is unethical and dodgy... There shouldn't be an existing relationship between counsellor and patient... It's not an ideal situation.

She's been my best friend for exactly 30 years of my life and she's the first I turn to when feeling upset and she ALWAYS knows what to say and how to cheer me up and she's the most wonderful and understanding person in the world. So in a way she's been my personal counsellor for many years! That's all I meant when I said counselling with my friend- not a professional sit down sessions. What I meant we'll have a chat and she'll give me some useful tips how to cool down when emotions are overwhelming. I often smell lavender essential oil actually and it helps

He works six days out of seven? I would suggest that's not healthy for either of you?

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Quite....

Hi. Regarding the anger management. Can I suggest trying meditation, and in particular breathing exercises. There are loads of forest apps etc to help with this but the key part is, when you feel like you are ready to explode you for e yourself to do the breathing exercises. Worth a try while waiting for anger management or councilling.

Op, with kindness i have lost all track of where your Dh should have been , at what time and on what day. As a mum of 2 young footballers back in the the day and the ex wife of an FA approved , youth trainer and trained referee, i am confused. I would never have booked anything on match or training days, when my toddler was at home. These thing's fun over and
the men getting together after a week at work is key to that. You need go have yr own outlet.

Was your Dp actually in the pub? I have just seen from yr update he was indeed outside.

To be honest Op and with kindness, you would not be someone i would want to rush home to. His Sat football mates are probably holding him up right now. If you both want to do sports on the same day could you arrange childcare for that overlap period? Arrange childcare?

You have said you "couldn't give a shit about his feelings" as you have "lost the high ground " by shouting at him? If you were married to me and shouted at me like that , i would show you all kinds of ground and doors girl.

I suspect your husbands recent behaviour is in response to yours.

With respect and kindness OP this does not sound a happy and compatible union. You may be best suited apart. You come across as angry,jealous, disruptive and argumentative.

I hope you find the counselling and help you need.

We all need to destress form work and family. You and DH need to enable yr swimming and DH football timetable by means of childcare. You do not need to shout and scream OP.

@KensingtonKate

Op, with kindness i have lost all track of where your Dh should have been , at what time and on what day. As a mum of 2 young footballers back in the the day and the ex wife of an FA approved , youth trainer and trained referee, i am confused. I would never have booked anything on match or training days, when my toddler was at home. These thing's fun over and the men getting together after a week at work is key to that. You need go have yr own outlet.

Was your Dp actually in the pub? I have just seen from yr update he was indeed outside.

To be honest Op and with kindness, you would not be someone i would want to rush home to. His Sat football mates are probably holding him up right now. If you both want to do sports on the same day could you arrange childcare for that overlap period? Arrange childcare?

You have said you "couldn't give a shit about his feelings" as you have "lost the high ground " by shouting at him? If you were married to me and shouted at me like that , i would show you all kinds of ground and doors girl.

I suspect your husbands recent behaviour is in response to yours.

With respect and kindness OP this does not sound a happy and compatible union. You may be best suited apart. You come across as angry,jealous, disruptive and argumentative.

I hope you find the counselling and help you need.

We all need to destress form work and family. You and DH need to enable yr swimming and DH football timetable by means of childcare. You do not need to shout and scream OP.

I'm not at all angry, jealous, disruptive and argumentative. I reacted like this a handful of times during our marriage of 11 years, when something has deeply hurt me. I've had a very difficult year and emotionally am very sensitive, I've accepted that shouting was wrong and apologised, and have been looking into getting some help which is also a proof of me understanding and taking responsibility.

We are suited perfectly and love each other. This has been a very tough year for us and we are both accepting it and willing to work on the marriage, otherwise I wouldn't be posting here. I don't believe in breaking a marriage at the first hurdle.

I think the best thing for my mental well-being would be stepping away from this forum as I don't need any more criticism and could do with some support instead. I'll just look into ways to manage my emotions and look after my family. Thank you anyway, good food for thought.