I don't understand him

[bunny85]

Hi all, I've been posting about my husband's behaviour recently and some of you may remember. It has been generally established that there was nothing wrong with him and it was my attitude that perhaps needed sorting out. I've taken all of that on board and has been trying to make amends. However, tonight happened something that I'm not sure anymore who's right and who's wrong and I completely lost any perspective.

So briefly, for the background, we've been together for 11 years and we have 2 young children. He works 6 days a week and I'm SAHM. He helps around the house and with the kids.

Now for the problem. He goes to play football and then to the pub every/ every other Sunday evening and has been doing so since we met (and before that, pretty much all his adult life). Fine.

Now I've decided to start swimming on Saturdays and have booked myself into swimming pool today at 4pm. I told him about that last night and he said that's cool and he'll be home 3.30pm. So today come 3.30 no sight of him. I call him and he's saying he's running behind. There were voices in the background and I think he was in the pub. From the way he spoke I had impression that he forgot about my swimming and was reluctant to admit he went to the pub. I got angry over the phone and started shouting that I needed to leave as I want to go swimming. He was saying can you go tomorrow and I said no. He then said I'll see you in about an hour but I was so livid I hang up. So I was expecting to see him at 4.30 at home and no sight of him again. I decided not to call him this time round even though I was fuming. So dinner time comes, I feed the kids and start putting them to bed. He then turns up at 8 o'clock (!!) and comes upstairs and takes the youngest (he's 14 months and he usually puts him to bed since I stopped BF at night and he sleeps with him) and tries to put him to sleep but I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me and anyway he was getting annoyed that I kept arguing in front of the kids and he said to me that he'll put them both to sleep and I can just go and relax and he's happy for me to go anywhere I like tomorrow and he'll take care of the kids but it was said in a way like as if it's not a big deal and what's all the fuss about since he said sorry. So if course he was in the pub.

I stormed off and went to take a bath. I'm more calm now and need to decide what strategy to take now. I think he's trying to make it sound as if it's not such a big deal but it is for me. I think it's a total disrespect of my needs and everything, I was absolutely livid. What would you do?

We are suited perfectly and love each other.

It sounds like it

@bunny85 i wish you well.

This site can be helpful at times so pls come back. I did.

I work in mental health and you can self refer for free talking therapy sessions through your local IAPT service. Just Google IAPT followed by your local area.
Just 6 sessions of CBT could be really helpful to explore and better manage feelings of anger. There is a lot of evidence to show it can be effective in circumstances like yours.

As supportive as your friend is, when you have young children, anger like this is something that you need to get under control straight away with support from an experienced, qualified professional, for your sake and your children's. I hope things get better for you.

As supportive as your friend is, when you have young children, anger like this is something that you need to get under control straight away with support from an experienced, qualified professional, for your sake and your children's.

Absolutely this. OP said that she "couldn't possibly" keep calm when she gets angry and this needs addressing by her proactively to make everyone's lives better, including hers and the kids.

She also said "when people do this to me", then later said only he makes her feel this way, then said "We are suited perfectly and love each other"
so I appreciate OP's thoughts seem pretty jumbled at the moment.

It would be hugely beneficial for OP to follow through with some professional independent counselling so I'm pleased shes said that's something she is open to doing.

Woah what's with all the victim blaming on this thread. Yes op shouldn't have lost her temper but she's human and she was let down. All you perfectly temper moderated well behaved pp have obviously never lost control or got to the last straw. Share how to be as perfect as you all are please?!? I need to know. OP step away or come back, whatever works for you. But I don't think you're a monster. Best wishes

DH sounds like he is avoiding being home and OP sounds defensive and angry. Something has to give.

Perhaps hire a babysitter to take the edge off.

He was in the wrong, but your reaction probably made him reluctant to come home until 8pm. He knew it would be a shit show, and it was. It sounds like he just forgot your arrangements. Annoying but not unforgivable, and he did offer you an alternative (the Sunday).

It sounds as though he made a mistake and put his own needs before yours, but your overreaction was by far the worse. Your poor kids. However much he messed up this ranting behaviour is dreadful. I lived with someone like you and believe me, there is no better way than to fuck up a marriage. People are allowed to make mistakes and forget things, but they are not allowed to behave like you. I said this last time you posted. If it was a man carrying on like you it would have been an immediate LTB.

@notagainmummy I decided not to ever do it again. I'm going to use lavender oil and hit a pillow when the emotions start running high, from now on