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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't understand him

84 replies

bunny85 · 24/04/2021 22:13

Hi all, I've been posting about my husband's behaviour recently and some of you may remember. It has been generally established that there was nothing wrong with him and it was my attitude that perhaps needed sorting out. I've taken all of that on board and has been trying to make amends. However, tonight happened something that I'm not sure anymore who's right and who's wrong and I completely lost any perspective.

So briefly, for the background, we've been together for 11 years and we have 2 young children. He works 6 days a week and I'm SAHM. He helps around the house and with the kids.

Now for the problem. He goes to play football and then to the pub every/ every other Sunday evening and has been doing so since we met (and before that, pretty much all his adult life). Fine.

Now I've decided to start swimming on Saturdays and have booked myself into swimming pool today at 4pm. I told him about that last night and he said that's cool and he'll be home 3.30pm. So today come 3.30 no sight of him. I call him and he's saying he's running behind. There were voices in the background and I think he was in the pub. From the way he spoke I had impression that he forgot about my swimming and was reluctant to admit he went to the pub. I got angry over the phone and started shouting that I needed to leave as I want to go swimming. He was saying can you go tomorrow and I said no. He then said I'll see you in about an hour but I was so livid I hang up. So I was expecting to see him at 4.30 at home and no sight of him again. I decided not to call him this time round even though I was fuming. So dinner time comes, I feed the kids and start putting them to bed. He then turns up at 8 o'clock (!!) and comes upstairs and takes the youngest (he's 14 months and he usually puts him to bed since I stopped BF at night and he sleeps with him) and tries to put him to sleep but I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me and anyway he was getting annoyed that I kept arguing in front of the kids and he said to me that he'll put them both to sleep and I can just go and relax and he's happy for me to go anywhere I like tomorrow and he'll take care of the kids but it was said in a way like as if it's not a big deal and what's all the fuss about since he said sorry. So if course he was in the pub.

I stormed off and went to take a bath. I'm more calm now and need to decide what strategy to take now. I think he's trying to make it sound as if it's not such a big deal but it is for me. I think it's a total disrespect of my needs and everything, I was absolutely livid. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:55

@ElspethFlashman

You said on your other thread that he is overworked, stressed, depressed and snappy. He normally works 6 days a week. And he sleeps with the baby.

However you didn't say how bad your temper was. And you were apparently baffled by why he was withdrawing from you. You just said you were spoilt.

You guys need marriage counselling.
I think you are both finding each other very hard to live with.

We have sorted the snappiness, he admitted this was to do with work and stress and he's making an effort not to bring it home now. We usually get on very well, we don't argue very often. But he often thinks he's right and I'm wrong and this is why I take to this forum because my head gets all over the place and I just don't know anymore. We both are making an effort for the relationship in general, we are just going through a rough patch. He will never agree to counselling, he's one of those men
OP posts:
Weenurse · 25/04/2021 08:57

Get counseling for yourself for your anger.

ivfbeenbusy · 25/04/2021 08:58

I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me

If a man did this MN would be shouting from the rafters that he was abusive and to leave the bastard

You sound like hard work

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 08:58

@Weenurse

Get counseling for yourself for your anger.
I've never had counselling, how is it done? Do I need to request a referral from my gp?
OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 09:00

@ivfbeenbusy

I completely lost my shit and started screaming at him, he was saying sorry and that let's put them to sleep for now. I flew off the handle and kept chasing him asking why he did this to me

If a man did this MN would be shouting from the rafters that he was abusive and to leave the bastard

You sound like hard work

Yes but he said he'll be home in one hour and turned up in four!
OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 25/04/2021 09:01

I'm unable to control myself when I'm angry

Christ imagine a man posting that about himself. MN would have his partner packed up and in a woman's refuge within the hour.

Anyone posting on MN that they "walk on eggshells" round their partners temper is advised he is abusive and to leave. But this is likely how your partner feels about you . No wonder he wants to be out of the house so much

PriestessofPing · 25/04/2021 09:09

That does sound selfish of him but yea you reacting to that extent is not good because ultimately it’s the kids who witnessed the screaming.

Counselling or therapy wise you can ask for a referral from your GP but you can also look for someone yourself. You could try looking in your area for therapists on the BACP website or the UK Council for Psychotherapy as a first port of call.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/how-to-find-a-therapist/

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/?Distance=10

If finances are a consideration you can also try searching for affordable therapy services in your area.

Fireflygal · 25/04/2021 09:40

Your emotions come from your thinking. There are lots of self help books or even Internet resources to help you manage your emotions, try CBT.

Did you grow up in a shouty household where you only got needs met if you escalated by shouting or crying.

Your H was out of order for letting you down but you are in control of your emotions and can choose to respond differently. It takes practice but you can do it.

Onlinedilema · 25/04/2021 09:50

My advice to you is to get a job. Tell him he can reduce his hours and you will work ( perhaps part time) phrase it as helping him out. Then make sure any child care costs come from the joint income.
You then book swimming etc on your days off. If he goes to the pub on Sundays you go swimming on a Saturday.
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Quartz2208 · 25/04/2021 10:01

I think you have reached breaking point with it all OP - it sounds like COVID has been very hard for you both (him keyworker and you trapped) and you needed to go swimming as a part of helping you reclaim this.

I think you need to have a good long chat with him about it today and explain that he has his football but you need something and you want the swimming on a Saturday and how frustrated you were about not being able to go.

And them agree the timetable for you both to have time out

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 10:29

I have gone out now and left him with the kids, and I won't be back anytime soon. Yes I must admit I've been feeling extremely low lately, and what happened yesterday didn't help.

OP posts:
Peachesarepeach · 25/04/2021 13:36

Have you always had difficulty with your anger or is this new? If it's new then I think you might be depressed. This is how I felt at the end of mat leave (and home schooling!). Just like I was overflowing with negative emotion and the smallest thing would have me screaming into a pillow in my room.

Do you want to be a sahm? it's wonderful for some but I needed to work to feel like I was a person in my own right.

Sounds like you both need downtime. It's so hard in the early years.

BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 14:01

OP .....

you are Reacting to his Actions.. do not be worn down by the bollocks that this is your fault.

He knew you wanted to do ONE fucking thing for yourself.. He did not give Jack Shit .. he suited himself... as usual...

THEN he plays the poor victim because You REACTED to His ACTIONS...

classic abuser... its all your fault..

well guess what... He's still a manipulating gas lighting selfish prick...

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/04/2021 14:09

If a partner of mine decided they were going to book something on a day where I had always had a planned activity, shouted down the phone at me and then followed me around screaming at me after I reluctantly came home, knowing they were going to kick off at some point, never mind screaming at me whilst I was dealing with small children, they'd be considering themselves fucking fortunate that they weren't in a police cell rather than the bath for Saturday night.

And if their only response to their behaviour was 'you know I can't control my temper with you' you made me do this to you and the children afterwards, I'd be changing the locks when they went out the following day.

Amdone123 · 25/04/2021 14:09

@BlueDahlia69, this is so true.

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 14:22

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

If a partner of mine decided they were going to book something on a day where I had always had a planned activity, shouted down the phone at me and then followed me around screaming at me after I reluctantly came home, knowing they were going to kick off at some point, never mind screaming at me whilst I was dealing with small children, they'd be considering themselves fucking fortunate that they weren't in a police cell rather than the bath for Saturday night.

And if their only response to their behaviour was 'you know I can't control my temper with you' you made me do this to you and the children afterwards, I'd be changing the locks when they went out the following day.

He never had a planned activity on a Saturday
OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/04/2021 14:27

No?

Is going to work not a planned activity? (OK, I could have phrased that better)

As pubs are still closed inside, the voices you could hear were probably his workmates. But you assumed he was at the pub and started shouting at him.

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 14:28

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

No?

Is going to work not a planned activity? (OK, I could have phrased that better)

As pubs are still closed inside, the voices you could hear were probably his workmates. But you assumed he was at the pub and started shouting at him.

But he WAS in the pub, just outside. He admitted it
OP posts:
SunnySpills · 25/04/2021 14:36

NeverDropYourMoonCup
It wasn't on the day of his planned activity, it was the day before.

SunnySpills · 25/04/2021 14:37

Crossed post.

Cocolapew · 25/04/2021 14:45

Do you scream at all other people or just your DH? If it's just him you can control your temper.
What he did was crap but you didn't exactly cover yourself in glory either

JungleIsMassive · 25/04/2021 14:45

It all sounds like a mess to be honest.
You both need o wrk on your respect for each other, respect for your children and your self respect. Therapy can help.
Read books, online courses etc.

Get your anger in check. Have a sit down, quiet, calm conversation with your husband about why it upset you that he didn't come home. Talk one at a time. Don't interrupt. Don't make faces while the other one has their say. Don't get angry.
Then you both might get somewhere.

And don't ever, ever lose your shit in front of the kids.

JungleIsMassive · 25/04/2021 14:48

Yes, also, do you scream, lose control and chase other people around when you're upset or not getting your own way? Strangers? Parents? Friends? Your children?

Original poster
bunny85 · 25/04/2021 14:48

@Cocolapew

Do you scream at all other people or just your DH? If it's just him you can control your temper. What he did was crap but you didn't exactly cover yourself in glory either
Other people don't treat me like he did
OP posts:
farmerswifey2 · 25/04/2021 14:59

My folks used to shout and scream at each other when I was little too... Now I'm an adult and don't speak to either of them.

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