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Original poster

DP starting to get on my nerves!

95 replies

happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 15:10

I don't live with my boyfriend but we've been together quite a while now (a few years). He stays over at mine 3 or 4 nights a week. I'm not sure whether I'm going to word this correctly but the following example, or something similar, is starting to happen quite a lot, and quite frankly get on my nerves.

No plans for him to come over last night. I put my DD to bed and ran a bath. I'm lying in it, face mask on, when I hear a key in the door - DP has decided to come over. He comes upstairs, walks in the bathroom, sits on the loo and starts chatting. Fine. He then goes downstairs and puts the TV on. 10 minutes later he's back in the bathroom asking when I'm going to get out as he's found a film he thinks we could watch. He then pretty much pesters me until I get out.

The turning up bit did annoy me, but not massively as it's quite a common thing. What really got on my nerves was the badgering for me to get out of the bath so we could watch the film he'd found. I had a long soak in the bath and my own TV viewing planned for last night.

I tried to explain this to him when I went downstairs but his reply was 'I'll just go home then shall I?'.

This is just one example but things always seem to be on his terms and he'll get the hump if I try and say otherwise! I'm not sure if I'm approaching things the wrong way with him?

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 22/04/2021 15:17

No, it's not you - it's him. You made a huge mistake giving him a key. Set some boundaries or you'll have no privacy or life of your own.

Him 'getting the hump' is his way of controlling you into doing what HE wants. Very childish and unattractive.

Sparklfairy · 22/04/2021 15:23

I tried to explain this to him when I went downstairs but his reply was 'I'll just go home then shall I?'.

Classic manipulation. Your answer should have been, 'sure'.

I dated a man like this. He didn't have a key but would turn up hours earlier than we arranged and screwing with my day. Wouldn't listen and turned on the emotional blackmail when I pulled him up on it. 'Oh, I just couldn't wait to see you', 'I thought it would be nice to surprise you with a coffee' and of course, 'I thought you'd want to see me??!'

Either say to him that he needs to give you a heads up with a text before he comes, or that he needs to accept if he does turn up without notice then you may already have plans that you're not prepared to change. Or both

YouAreTheStorm · 22/04/2021 15:25

God that would drive me crazy! I don't think I could imagine anything worse than somone turning up unannounced, then demanding I focus all attention on them. Makes me feel claustrophobic just thinking about it.

EscapeDragon · 22/04/2021 15:26

"I'll just go home then shall I?

"Yes".

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2021 15:26

What did you say when he huffed about going home?

He’s stroppy and demanding. He puts his wants about your needs. That’s very selfish and inconsiderate.

Is he willing to have a calm sensible chat about now behaving like this in future?

DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 15:28

Take the key off him. He needs boundaries.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2021 15:28

I don't do pop ins. Not my mum, best friend or boyfriend.

I tried to explain this to him when I went downstairs but his reply was 'I'll just go home then shall I?'.

Yes.

dodobookends · 22/04/2021 15:29

How about:

"Will you please stop telling me what to do in my own house!"

AramintaLee · 22/04/2021 15:29

I would probably be like "in future could you let me know you're thinking of coming over just in case I have other plans?" and reiterate that you sometimes need "me" time.

Clarice99 · 22/04/2021 15:30

He sounds manipulative and childish.

The defensive/sulky comment: 'I'll go home then shall I' warranted the response - 'okay, that's fine, bye'.

It was a big mistake to give him a key and an even bigger mistake to give him a key and not set boundaries.

How about requesting return of the key; would this be something you'd want to do? Too bad if he doesn't like it. It's your home and you are allowed to have some time alone without someone demanding that you jump to their attention.

Original poster
happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 15:30

I think he knows that I'm going to be at home and not elsewhere as I have a DD. That doesn't mean he can just turn up but he doesn't see it that way at all!

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 22/04/2021 15:32

Get the bloody key off him to start with!

HollowTalk · 22/04/2021 15:33

I'd love it if you pitched up at his when something he wanted to watch was about to start - like live football - and insisted he stopped it so that you could both do something you wanted to do.

EscapeDragon · 22/04/2021 15:34

Do you have a chain or a bolt on your front door? If you don't, then perhaps you need to install one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2021 15:35

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What was your response to his comment, " 'I'll just go home then shall I?". The only correct answer to that BTW was yes you should.

I would concur with the comments suggesting that he is manipulative and childish.

I also feel that you should reconsider this relationship altogether and ask yourself what are you actually getting out of this relationship now. If you were to think about it you would likely come to the conclusion that your needs are not being at all met here by him; he sees to be using your house as some sort of stopover.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. Would you want her as an adult to be in such a relationship; likely not. Its actually not good enough for you either.

namechangemarch21 · 22/04/2021 15:37

Honestly OP that's weird.

If you lived together, then of course he'd come home randomly, come in for a chat - but then (in my relationship at least) he'd say something like: 'are you planning on spending a long time in that bath or do you fancy a film later? I thought you'd like to watch X' and I'd either say 'oh that sounds nice, I'll be about half an hour, lets make nachos' or 'oh I was going to do a face mask and my legs and watch 'programme you hate' on player' in which case he'd say: fair enough, I might watch 'other film you said you didn't want to' then.

If he didn't live with me, he'd send a message and say 'hey, fancy a film tonight? I could pop over in 20 minutes if you've nothing on' and I'd either say 'oh cool I'm having a bath but I'll be done in 45 so just let yourself in' or 'planning a spa night and some crappy tv myself, but lets watch it at the weekend.'

Nothing about your exchange with him is how I'd expect him to interact: its like he thinks you're a robot that goes into 'rest' mode when he's not there and he can just turn up and your purpose becomes to entertain him. It seems little, but I'm not sure it is: I'd be raising it again at a neutral time and saying 'what was that about? We had no plans and then you got into a strop because I didn't drop everything I was doing' and see what he says. But definitely important to tease it out now before you do consider moving in together as there are a few red flags there.

Silverfly · 22/04/2021 15:39

This would really annoy me OP!

Tell him you've made arrangements to call your mum / zoom a friend / need to do a bit of work you didn't have time for earlier / whatever sounds most plausible. Keep doing this every time he shows up unannounced, and keep saying that he needs to let you know in advance, until he gets the picture.

updownroundandround · 22/04/2021 16:01

@happylittleegg

I think you need to raise this issue again with him (and ffs get that key back off him), saying ''You know the other night when you just came by unexpectedly ? I'm not happy about how you behaved. It was totally unreasonable of you to go into a strop, just because I tried to tell you I was happily having a night alone, and you should've phoned first.''

If he gets huffy again, I'd tell him calmly that the next time he says 'Oh, I'll just fuck off home then shall I ?', the answer won't be 'no' !!

Set concrete boundaries, because it's not only you who is affected by this kind of selfish and arrogant behaviour, it's your DC too.

LatentPhase · 22/04/2021 16:04

Oh I’ve a similar issue here, OP.

Slightly different context, DP lived here for a year due to lockdown. But due to his messy family dynamic and inability to parent, I refused to make it permanent.

He has ‘moved back to his’ except the default place for him to he seems to be ‘at my house’ Hmm which is getting on my tits. I’ve frankly hours of 24hrs in police custody to catch up on with my teen girls.

Entitled man behaviour and requires boundaries. If they don’t comply I’ll need my key back!

Good luck OP! Flowers

Original poster
happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 16:10

@LatentPhase It's really annoying isn't it? My house seems like the default place for my DP too. He'll come over all the time unless he has plans himself.

I've actually told him I'm going to my Mums for the evening today. I'm not, I just want some time with my DD on our own. He replied and said 'no worries, I'll come over when you're back then'Hmm

OP posts:
pog100 · 22/04/2021 16:13

@happylittleegg

I think he knows that I'm going to be at home and not elsewhere as I have a DD. That doesn't mean he can just turn up but he doesn't see it that way at all!
You need to make him see it that way. You need to think hard about why you feel this is behaviour that you need to learn to accommodate. It isn't. He needs to change. I think you need to seriously consider stopping this relationship if he can't accept he has no right to do this
Howshouldibehave · 22/04/2021 16:14

[quote happylittleegg]@LatentPhase It's really annoying isn't it? My house seems like the default place for my DP too. He'll come over all the time unless he has plans himself.

I've actually told him I'm going to my Mums for the evening today. I'm not, I just want some time with my DD on our own. He replied and said 'no worries, I'll come over when you're back then'Hmm[/quote]
He is being incredibly selfish and you really need to set your boundaries now. He sounds quite controlling.

What’s his own housing situation like? Does he live in a house share/house he hates/with his mum so feels that it’s nice to come to yours where there’s Sky TV, nice food and sex on tap??

pog100 · 22/04/2021 16:16

@Silverfly

This would really annoy me OP!

Tell him you've made arrangements to call your mum / zoom a friend / need to do a bit of work you didn't have time for earlier / whatever sounds most plausible. Keep doing this every time he shows up unannounced, and keep saying that he needs to let you know in advance, until he gets the picture.

Don't do this, tell him the truth, to stop being an entitled fucker using your house as his. I don't dare ask about his entitlement to sex.
CarmelBeach · 22/04/2021 16:17

You're ignoring the posts saying to get the key back...which is what you need to do.

LatentPhase · 22/04/2021 16:18

Oh god. How infuriating. If you wanted to behave like (and accept the grunt aspect of) living together, you would, y’know, live together!

It’s the principal as well as the actually ballache. Cheeky and not attractive. And needs reining in. Good luck to us both Flowers

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