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Original poster

DP starting to get on my nerves!

95 replies

happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 15:10

I don't live with my boyfriend but we've been together quite a while now (a few years). He stays over at mine 3 or 4 nights a week. I'm not sure whether I'm going to word this correctly but the following example, or something similar, is starting to happen quite a lot, and quite frankly get on my nerves.

No plans for him to come over last night. I put my DD to bed and ran a bath. I'm lying in it, face mask on, when I hear a key in the door - DP has decided to come over. He comes upstairs, walks in the bathroom, sits on the loo and starts chatting. Fine. He then goes downstairs and puts the TV on. 10 minutes later he's back in the bathroom asking when I'm going to get out as he's found a film he thinks we could watch. He then pretty much pesters me until I get out.

The turning up bit did annoy me, but not massively as it's quite a common thing. What really got on my nerves was the badgering for me to get out of the bath so we could watch the film he'd found. I had a long soak in the bath and my own TV viewing planned for last night.

I tried to explain this to him when I went downstairs but his reply was 'I'll just go home then shall I?'.

This is just one example but things always seem to be on his terms and he'll get the hump if I try and say otherwise! I'm not sure if I'm approaching things the wrong way with him?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 22/04/2021 16:18

[quote happylittleegg]@LatentPhase It's really annoying isn't it? My house seems like the default place for my DP too. He'll come over all the time unless he has plans himself.

I've actually told him I'm going to my Mums for the evening today. I'm not, I just want some time with my DD on our own. He replied and said 'no worries, I'll come over when you're back then'Hmm[/quote]
He is assuming that he can do what he wants and when he wants it, in YOUR house. Unless you stop him (take the key back), or tell him he can’t (please, don’t just come round when you want), he sounds thick skinned enough to not want to stop doing so. It clearly suits him to use your house.

Is this someone you see a future with? Someone nagging me to get out of the bath to watch a film I didn’t want to watch, in my own house would be a bit of a decider for me.

Herecomesspring1 · 22/04/2021 16:18

This would start making me anxious, that I couldn't relax in my own home for fear of him just turning up. I guess it'd cause a row for you to ask for the key back. But it does sound like he's not respecting your personal space and wishes. Does he come round just because he has nothing else to do / has no other plans?

Annasgirl · 22/04/2021 16:24

Why does he have a key? My DH never had a key to my place until we moved in to a place together. I would never give someone who didn't live with me a key to my home (except DSis who has my emergency key and a neighbour who has same - we reciprocate - but I cannot imagine either of these turning up when I am in the bath Grin)

Mamamamasaurus · 22/04/2021 16:30

Leave the key in the door if you don't want to ask for it back

It sounds to me like he'd rather use your electricity / gas etc than his own. Cheeky twat.

blacksax · 22/04/2021 16:32

Ah I get it now.

He's worked out that he doesn't get laid if he stays at home.

Serendipity79 · 22/04/2021 16:33

I'd be worried that he doesn't respect your boundaries to be honest, and that will become a bigger issue over time. Sounds very much like he's doing what my ex did which was to move in by stealth. I cant recall the exact day that I realised he now lived with me, but it wasn't a discussion we ever had!

Would he react badly to any discussion around him not just turning up when he feels like it? Or any attempt to take the key off him - which btw is exactly what you need to do! If so then that's an indicator again that he is a person who will just do what they want to do irrespective of other people

DorisLessingsCat · 22/04/2021 16:41

If she gets the key back he's just going to hammer on the door until she has to get out of the bath.

OP you need to tell him that he doesn't have an open invitation to your house and unless you specifically say that you want to spend the evening with him he should assume you want to be alone / are busy with other things.

If he doesn't respect that then you need to end it.

Original poster
happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 16:42

He does want us to move in together eventually so it's a bit like he's seeing this as a trial run. The only problem is that we don't! I feel a bit like I'm expected to fall in line with everything he wants to do, and when, and i haven't even realised that it's got to this point until when I was in my bath last night!

OP posts:
Original poster
happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 16:43

(Sorry that last post was terribly written!)

OP posts:
EscapeDragon · 22/04/2021 16:47

He does want us to move in together eventually

Has he actually asked you whether that's what you want as well?

updownroundandround · 22/04/2021 16:59

@happylittleegg

I've actually told him I'm going to my Mums for the evening today. I'm not, I just want some time with my DD on our own. He replied and said 'no worries, I'll come over when you're back then'

Why the hell are you choosing to lie to him instead of saying what YOU want ??
He's sure as shit not holding back on telling you what he wants, is he ?? Hmm

I get so pissed off when I read that women would rather lie that simply stand up for themselves by telling partners what THEY want.

If he gets pissy, then so what ? Is he walking on eggshells to not upset you ?? No, he's bloody well not ! He's making sure he gets exactly what he wants !

Do yourself a favour, stop allowing your DP to decide everything for you, and make yourself HEARD !!

HugeAckmansWife · 22/04/2021 17:01

Is very hard when, due to your DD, it is your default to be home and in theory available. My dp can be a bit similar, being too busy with his own plans to come round on x day, but assumes I'll be available on Y day when he can fit me in. I've started saying no, that doesn't work for me. Lets do Z. If you do want to continue the relationship, which isn't a crime,( it is possible to overcome issues) , you will need to address this, including the assumption that he will in fact move in at some point. Not all relationships have to go that way. I have no intention of moving in with dp, possibly ever, but certainly not til kids are grown. A big think about what you want and a conversation is needed.

updownroundandround · 22/04/2021 17:01

Or would you prefer to just 'wait and see' what he decides your future will be/ look like, and your DC's Hmm

LatentPhase · 22/04/2021 17:06

Can you have the convo along the lines of, ‘I think we’ve got into a bit of a rut of assuming that we spend time together blah blah... it’s not working for me so I want to make clear that sometimes I want to spend time with me and would rather we plan nights together than assume....’

Could you say this?

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 17:16

You need the key back, he shouldn’t just be letting himself in without warning you he’s coming over. He’s taking the piss.

Howshouldibehave · 22/04/2021 17:18

He does want us to move in together eventually

He just doesn’t get to decide that on his own?! Do you really mean, he’d like you to let him to move into your house?

Did you answer what his own home situation is like, @happylittleegg ?

Original poster
happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 17:19

@Howshouldibehave Sorry, I missed that question! He has a house share with his friend. He knows he would never be able to move in to my house - it's too small.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 22/04/2021 17:31

[quote happylittleegg]@Howshouldibehave Sorry, I missed that question! He has a house share with his friend. He knows he would never be able to move in to my house - it's too small. [/quote]
But he finds being at yours preferable to his house share? Why do you think that is?

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 22/04/2021 17:39

Leave the key in the lock so he can’t get in. He sounds utterly tedious, tell him to do one

Whatonearth07957 · 22/04/2021 19:23

You're a sitting duck. It's disrespectful of him to assume you're available. You need to tell him

Original poster
happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 19:34

Brief update - I did actually pop to my Mum's in the end, went home and he was sat on my sofa waiting for me Shock

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 22/04/2021 19:38

@happylittleegg

Brief update - I did actually pop to my Mum's in the end, went home and he was sat on my sofa waiting for me Shock
He’s taking the piss. What is your plan?
Dacquoise · 22/04/2021 19:39

Wallowing in a hot bath with a good book is my go-to for the sake of my sanity in these times. I would be furious if someone tried to hurry me along because they've invited themselves over. But my partner just wouldn't do that. He understands my need for solitude and relaxation and is quite capable of amusing himself watching 'bloke's telly until I get out.

He sounds a bit needy and demanding to be honest. Like others have suggested key back and proper discussion before he lands in your house and takes 'no' as an answer. You're probably seeing the real him now.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 22/04/2021 19:39

Fgs get him told! He isn't a mind reader, you need to be really clear about what you want.

Kimbo180 · 22/04/2021 20:00

Easy solution
Put the lock on it from the inside so he cant get in.

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