DP starting to get on my nerves!

[happylittleegg]

I don't live with my boyfriend but we've been together quite a while now (a few years). He stays over at mine 3 or 4 nights a week. I'm not sure whether I'm going to word this correctly but the following example, or something similar, is starting to happen quite a lot, and quite frankly get on my nerves.

No plans for him to come over last night. I put my DD to bed and ran a bath. I'm lying in it, face mask on, when I hear a key in the door - DP has decided to come over. He comes upstairs, walks in the bathroom, sits on the loo and starts chatting. Fine. He then goes downstairs and puts the TV on. 10 minutes later he's back in the bathroom asking when I'm going to get out as he's found a film he thinks we could watch. He then pretty much pesters me until I get out.

The turning up bit did annoy me, but not massively as it's quite a common thing. What really got on my nerves was the badgering for me to get out of the bath so we could watch the film he'd found. I had a long soak in the bath and my own TV viewing planned for last night.

I tried to explain this to him when I went downstairs but his reply was 'I'll just go home then shall I?'.

This is just one example but things always seem to be on his terms and he'll get the hump if I try and say otherwise! I'm not sure if I'm approaching things the wrong way with him?

Him: asking when I'm going to get out as he's found a film he thinks we could watch
You: I had a long soak in the bath and my own TV viewing planned

Him: I'll come over when you're back then
You: I just want some time with my DD on our own

You are telling us - a load of strangers on the Internet - these answers. We know what you want. But you're not telling him. This is where you're going wrong. You're telling the wrong people!

Honestly op, get a grip and just tell him you don’t want him to come over so much. I don’t understand why you haven’t. If you can’t even communicate the most basic things, there’s not much point in being together. Also, fgs take your key back!

“Honestly op, get a grip and just tell him you don’t want him to come over so much. I don’t understand why you haven’t. If you can’t even communicate the most basic things, there’s not much point in being together.”

This, OP. If you can’t discuss your wants and needs with this man, you shouldn’t be having sex with him. Indeed, you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

It’s not his job to guess what you want. Men tend to need things spelt out. You have to take responsibility for establishing your boundaries. If he gives you a hard time when you stand up for yourself, that’s even more reason to end the relationship.

What were your relationship role models growing up? Did your mum model constant submission to your dad? Is this what you want to role model for your DD?

It’s no good saying you just want to avoid conflict. Most people aren’t wild about conflict but they realise that total conflict avoidance often creates bigger problems down the line. That’s what’s happening here. Stop being a passenger in your own life.

You’re allowed your own time. You’re allowed your own space. You’re allowed to say - I’m having alone time this evening and I don’t want visitors. Until you have this conversation with him, you won’t know if you can make this work or not.

FWIW, I think these kinds of problems come up because men don’t feel the same need to look after people that women feel. He probably thinks he can turn up and slouch on your sofa and may not realise you’ll feel compelled to be sociable. Also, most women have many social connectivity outlets but men tend to have far fewer, so he may depend on you for company more than you depend on him. That’s not a reason to do it his way btw but it occurred to me that this may play into his thinking.

That's very true, the sense of obligation to 'host a guest' that women feel and men often don't.

I've experienced exactly that and had to spell it out to a BF in the past. He just thought he was hanging out at mine, whereas I felt unable to do the things I'd otherwise have been doing, especially phoning other people. He didn't seem to grasp that as he didn't live there, he was either there as my guest for the evening, or he shouldn't be there.

I think his view and maybe OP's BF's, was that spending a lot of time at each other's homes indicated closeness and comfortableness with each other and was a trial run for living together. He didn't grasp that I needed time to myself in my own home and that that was not possible with a guest there - whereas it would be in a shared home, where he would not be my guest and we could both get on with our own stuff, unimpeded.

[quote happylittleegg]@LatentPhase It's really annoying isn't it? My house seems like the default place for my DP too. He'll come over all the time unless he has plans himself.

I've actually told him I'm going to my Mums for the evening today. I'm not, I just want some time with my DD on our own. He replied and said 'no worries, I'll come over when you're back then'[/quote]
You are going to have to have set days when he can come over. I would absolutely hate this.

Change the locks, I had one of these boundary busting creeps once and he'd made copies.

Made copies eek!

your Boundaries have been eroded ignored walked over..

He is taking over your home because he doesn't want to be in his flat share.

I feel suffocated just reading your posts. 🌸

@happylittleegg

Brief update - I did actually pop to my Mum's in the end, went home and he was sat on my sofa waiting for me

You already knew he was planning to come over after so why didn’t you just tell him “no”? Simples!

It's just plain creepy and controlling. I suspect you've just let it slip into this and now don't know how to pull back. Put your big girl pants on and talk to him. Sure, he'll be upset. Let it sink in, don't back down. If he doesn't understand then I'd seriously consider ending it.

@ItsNotLoveActually

It's just plain creepy and controlling. I suspect you've just let it slip into this and now don't know how to pull back. Put your big girl pants on and talk to him. Sure, he'll be upset. Let it sink in, don't back down. If he doesn't understand then I'd seriously consider ending it.

totally 🌸

I don't understand why he's got a key. He sounds very entitled and a bit too...comfortable in your home.

Why on earth does HE get to invade YOUR time, your time with YOUR DD, and YOUR home, when ever HE wants?
Get that key back and enforce boundaries, OP.

But you knew he was coming so why the shock? You didn't tell him not to.

@ihatemessyplay

But you knew he was coming so why the shock? You didn't tell him not to.

I think OP was just showing how entitled and invasive he is 🌸

Either get that key off him.
Or install a new lock.

Does he get sex every time calls over?
That could be some of the reason for him lodging at yours.

Changing the locks seems a bit of an expensive overreaction, where having a conversation should suffice. She's a bit annoyed with her BF, she hasn't even thought about breaking up with him, never mind needing to physically exclude him from her home.

Why are you ignoring the posts about taking his key back? Would this signal the end of the relationship/make him sulk to the point of ending it?

@OrchestraOfWankery

No, it's not you - it's him. You made a huge mistake giving him a key. Set some boundaries or you'll have no privacy or life of your own.

Him 'getting the hump' is his way of controlling you into doing what HE wants. Very childish and unattractive.

He's extremely selfish and he's using your home as a drop in space.

He doesn't care about what you want.

Get your key back and dump him.

You are being used by someone who is suiting himself.

He's extremely disrespectful of you.

I hope you can see this.

He sounds both needy and controlling.