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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP starting to get on my nerves!

95 replies

happylittleegg · 22/04/2021 15:10

I don't live with my boyfriend but we've been together quite a while now (a few years). He stays over at mine 3 or 4 nights a week. I'm not sure whether I'm going to word this correctly but the following example, or something similar, is starting to happen quite a lot, and quite frankly get on my nerves.

No plans for him to come over last night. I put my DD to bed and ran a bath. I'm lying in it, face mask on, when I hear a key in the door - DP has decided to come over. He comes upstairs, walks in the bathroom, sits on the loo and starts chatting. Fine. He then goes downstairs and puts the TV on. 10 minutes later he's back in the bathroom asking when I'm going to get out as he's found a film he thinks we could watch. He then pretty much pesters me until I get out.

The turning up bit did annoy me, but not massively as it's quite a common thing. What really got on my nerves was the badgering for me to get out of the bath so we could watch the film he'd found. I had a long soak in the bath and my own TV viewing planned for last night.

I tried to explain this to him when I went downstairs but his reply was 'I'll just go home then shall I?'.

This is just one example but things always seem to be on his terms and he'll get the hump if I try and say otherwise! I'm not sure if I'm approaching things the wrong way with him?

OP posts:
CarmelBeach · 22/04/2021 20:02

@Kimbo180

Easy solution Put the lock on it from the inside so he cant get in.
He will still let himself in when she is out but if OP doesn't stop this now, she's stuck. Only way is to take the key back.
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2021 20:23

@happylittleegg

Brief update - I did actually pop to my Mum's in the end, went home and he was sat on my sofa waiting for me Shock
Aaaaaaand.......

You have to actually have the difficult conversation with him.

"DP, when you let yourself in and assume we will do what you choose, I feel steamrolled. In future I'd like to plan time together. I'll be a lot happier and better company."

Sparkletastic · 22/04/2021 20:35

Have a talk about boundaries.
Get your key back.

Colourmeclear · 22/04/2021 20:40

You need to have direct communication to resolve this but also all the other things that will come up in your relationship. Hints just aren't cutting it. It will only build resentment and frustration on your part.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/04/2021 20:44

Who cares how he 'sees it'. He's not the boss of you. Just tell him how things will be; that you value time to yourself and sometimes you make plans for your time that don't involve him. He needs to ask before he comes over, not think he can tell you what's happening in your home.

He can see / think / feel about that whatever he wishes. In his own home.

If he disregards your wishes, take his key.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/04/2021 20:46

Of course he was waiting for you. I was expecting you to be alone at home at 'Mum visiting time' and hear his key in the door. He'd have made out you were badly at fault for that. He thinks he's the boss of your house.

wombatgoeswild · 22/04/2021 20:48

That's like having a lodger with dodgy social skills. I've lived with my DH for 25 years, he'd never invade my space like that...

lottiegarbanzo · 22/04/2021 20:49

Oh and if this is supposed to be a trial run for living together in future, he's failed, hasn't he!

Lollypop701 · 22/04/2021 20:56

Op you are allowing this. This is absolutely a you not stating boundaries issue. On y tone basis you want to continue with your relationship. Tell him what you want. What your expectations are. Day one he oversteps those boundaries, take key back . Day two oversteps remind him it’s not all about what he wants. Step three.... bin him

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2021 21:00

@lottiegarbanzo

Oh and if this is supposed to be a trial run for living together in future, he's failed, hasn't he!
This. But OP appears to believe the only vote is his. No idea why.
Howshouldibehave · 22/04/2021 21:04

Op you are allowing this

This! You seem to be trampling over your own wants and independence because you’re scared of upsetting him!

Carbara · 22/04/2021 21:24

Why the shocked face emoji? He openly told you he’d be in your house and you’ve done nothing to change that, just let him walk all over you, then act shocked? 😄

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/04/2021 21:31

If you won't take your key back then put a bolt on the door although he sounds like someone who will just bang on the door until you let him in. How old is your child

RandomMess · 22/04/2021 21:37

Do you usually have sex every time he comes over, make him a cuppa in bed???

Why is it much better for him to sleep over at yours than his own place? More convenient for work, you clear up after him??

HollowTalk · 23/04/2021 08:31

He's in a flat share so obviously it's more comfortable for him at her house.

Zofloramummy · 23/04/2021 08:39

How old is your dd? Because he is interfering in your time with her by repeatedly turning up unannounced. He wants to be your main focus not your dd. He is selfish and doesn’t seem to appreciate your wishes or needs at all. I suspect he’s probably quite needy and jealous too.

He is behaving like a second child, not a partner. Get rid, I can’t see him improving with time and it’ll be far harder to shift him once you are living together permanently.

sugarapplelane · 23/04/2021 09:07

Take your key back then he won't be able to let himself into your house.

Then tell him straight what you want and what you don't want him to do. You are in this relationship too you know.

saltychoc · 23/04/2021 09:57

He sounds a bit drippy and you sound like are his mum, at his beck and call and anything to give him a nice life.

I wouldn't give anyone a spare key who would actually use it! 😱
I mean if I had fallen down the stairs and knocked myself unconscious and the cat was about to eat my face, then yes, you are allowed to enter my home and sanctuary without permission.
Apart from that, no, I like to sleep at night knowing my house and family are secure.

I don't think you are in great 'relationship' you don't communicate properly, you are not honest with him, you accommodate his needs and his doesn't even notice yours I would dial everything back (including taking back the key) and work out if you want to be in a relationship with him, or he's a place marker for your next better relationship?

saltychoc · 23/04/2021 10:03

If you are in the kind of relationship that you fear his reaction on getting your key back you could just change the lock barrel (really easy - see YouTube) and tell him you've have to change it because you lost your set of keys at the supermarket.

When he asks for his new key to be cut you stall (forever)

If you can't even do that without him kicking off. I consider that you either have a cocklodger or an abusive bf (news flash - neither is good) and they are both reasons to end a 'relationship'.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2021 10:04

I expect you've found these comments quite surprising OP. You've only just started feeling annoyed and here are lots of people saying he's plainly selfish, thoughtless and not a good partner. It must seem quite a leap from 'a bit annoyed' to 'take his key and lay down the law' and even 'get rid'.

To get from one to the other, just think through how he's going to react when you say 'I need some time to myself, so I need you to ask before you come over, respect my preference that we see each other 3 or 4 times a week, not every night and respect my wishes when I say I want an evening alone'.

I am willing to bet that he will in effect turn on the tears; go all self-pitying and manipulative and say that he thought you loved him and would always want to spend time with him, he would always prefer to be with you and he's sad that you don't feel the same way. And what's the point of the relationship if you don't really want to be with him, he thought you loved him, he was hoping you'd move in together but what's the point if you just see him as a casual boyfriend.

Then you'll get upset, say you're sorry and cave.

The important thing to remember, is that just because you can't think of the words to express your feelings convincingly during an argument, does not mean your feelings are not real, valid and very, very relevant.

So, prepare your thoughts in advance. Be proactive. What do you want and need? It sounds as though you want the relationship with him to stand the best possible chance of success. That means taking it at the right pace, finding out that each stage works for both of you before progressing to the next, not acting in haste to repent at leisure. You need some time to yourself, because you do and so that the time spent with him feels special. By imposing himself when unwanted, preventing you from getting on with other elements of your life, he risks making himself a burden, not a pleasure.

I suspect he hasn't even considered that you have aspects of your life and needs that exist independently of him. He feels comfy at your house, therefore you should feel happy to have him there. He may just lack empathy and insight generally, or particularly with regard to women, who he probably, like many men, sees as being there to provide things that men want, rather than actual autonomous people.

PerveenMistry · 23/04/2021 10:14

God, get your key back.

Why does he have so much idle time? I couldn't be with a man who just mooched about watching tv all the time.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2021 10:18

I'd add though that this 'casual moving in' behaviour is very common. Lots of men do it, especially if the girlfriend has the nicer home and cooks better.

What really counts is how he reacts when you talk to him about it. Does he he feel a bit sad but accept your point? Or does he try to manipulate you?

MeridasMum · 23/04/2021 10:24

@lottiegarbanzo has put this so much better but I was just about to post this. Please take heed.

This should now be the turning point in your relationship:
He either responds with respect (and perhaps disappointment), or
He responds with a tantrum, manipulation or other controlling behaviours.

No1 allows for the relationship to move forward at a MUTUALLY AGREED pace; not simply his preference.

No 2 surely must be the end.

Triffid1 · 23/04/2021 10:29

Personally, I wouldn't see this as a good long term prospect as he clearly is not interested in respecting your needs and wants. You don't have to be a genius to know that a woman lying in the bath does not want to be rushed to come down and watch a tv programme, especially when she wasn't expecting you there in the first place.

He lives in a houseshare - of COURSE he wants to come over to yours all the time. I bet it's cleaner and tidier, with easier access to tv, food on tap etc. Not to mention sex. And it's all free. Yay!

If you really do think this is a relationship you want to keep, then I'd be clear, "I'm really looking forward to tonight as I'm planning a lovely chilled evening of a bath, face mask, tv. What are you up to?" and make it clear that you don't want to see him.

AnotherBoredOne · 23/04/2021 10:38

Sorry OP I think you need to think about this relationship, I don't think it's right for you at all.
Can you have a chat and if can stick to hanging out at times you both arrange them great, but this making yourself at home when it suits is just wrong.

Ruining that quiet bath time would have made me so cross.

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