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Original poster

Need to have money talk with DH

80 replies

Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 06:27

I posed a while back at crunch point with my DH who hadn't worked for many years (for various reasons - long story to this) and I put my foot down and told him he needed to get a job. When he realised how serious I was (nearly 6 months after the 1st conversation about this) he did, and has been there a little while now and seems to enjoy it. He is clueless/not interested in money (easy to say when you haven't earnt it or had to deal with it for years). I feel I have got over one hurdle and now have the next ones to face these being: 1. I am gong to sit down with him in the next few weeks (I have family reasons for waiting a few weeks) and talk about money - what I want him to pay into a joint account every month, and that I want us to agree to saving each x amount each month each. My income is roughly twice his so I am happy to pay 2/3rds under the current circumstance, but I expect a 1/3 from him. I know this conversation in itself will be a hassle - getting him to set up a Standing order month , him questioning why everything costs so much etc etc His current job is a 6 month contract, so the 2nd thing is I also need to tell him that I expect him to work full time at the end of this, and to start looking for a new job when he has around 2 months left on current contract (there has been snippets of things said by him about how he would prefer to work part time, or about the time he will have off at the end of the contract) I know he will not like this and feel it is unreasonable. I know it is not and he has had the life of riley for too many years. He things now he has a job he is a "good boy" (his language not mine - yuk!)We have no pensions. As far as I am concerned it is fair I pay more if I earn more (and we are both working full time) but I am not prepared to just subsides and easy life for him (an in reality means I will have to work full time longer/have less savings or pension because of this). I am ridiculously anxious about having this conversation, and depending on his reaction it may well be the last straw for me (he would be gobsmacked - he's such a good boy). I guess I need some moral support to tackle this.

OP posts:
Dinosauraddict · 22/04/2021 06:31

Gosh. Giving you a handhold and wishing you the best of luck. You're completely right in everything you've said. It's good that he's got a job but now he needs to maintain that and properly contribute (and I don't know how old you both are, but I'd be sorting pensions ASAP)!

Kingin · 22/04/2021 06:34

He actually needs to support you and I believe he's gonna listen to you when you sit him down.

Good luck!

DooleySpooley · 22/04/2021 06:35

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/04/2021 06:49

I'd just go for the divorce tbh. My ex husband was like this and it was a never ending head fuck trying to get him to work/contribute.
When he finally went off with someone else it was a massive relief now I can plan and save properly and I have a good pension plan.
He got dumped and is now in huge debt and struggling to pay the rent on a shitty bedsit, no idea abut bills while I'm enjoying my lovely home which I owned before I married him and my comfortable retirement when it comes. Prick.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/04/2021 06:50

@Kingin

He actually needs to support you and I believe he's gonna listen to you when you sit him down.

Good luck!

You think Grin My experience of men like this is the opposite of this
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/04/2021 07:02

there has been snippets of things said by him about how he would prefer to work part time, or about the time he will have off at the end of the contract

Can you show him a breakdown of the monthly cost of running the household (mortgage/rent, electricity and gas bills, council tax, water, food, etc), show him the figure he should contribute to that and then ask him how he intends to pay that if he's going part time or having time off?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 22/04/2021 07:35

It's crazy that he hasn't offered now he's being paid! The job isn't to get him out the house, it's to contribute to the family. He needs to know you're still serious about this or he'll be out on his ear supporting himself.

pog100 · 22/04/2021 07:40

You need to swap nervousness for fucking anger, unless you've left out a lot of very good reasons why he hasn't been working. Cold calm anger backed up by the real knowledge you are out if he doesn't shape up. You have to mean it and you bloody well should mean it.

Teensandfuture · 22/04/2021 07:43

Can't believe what I just read!

Why would you want this cocklodger in the house in the first place? Firstly wasn't working, now although working, isn't contributing.

I bet he'll find an excuse at the end of 6 months contract not to work so by the time you agree his contribution, he'll nothing to contribute as he's no longer working.

I would leave him years ago.

Palavah · 22/04/2021 07:45

Do you have children apart from this man-child? Do you really want to have to drag him into adulthood?

Jobsharenightmare · 22/04/2021 07:48

I can't believe this is your life. I assume there are reasons in the backstory as to why you are still with him and that you know love isn't enough.

It seems like your whole future will just be one endless battle on this front as whatever has made him this way isn't just going to go away. That being said I really wish you the best of luck when you talk to him and hope he listens and steps up without you having to mother him.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2021 07:51

Why do you want to stay with this lazy entitled man?

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 22/04/2021 07:51

How on earth can you be bothered with this nonsense? Do you have children with him? If not I'd get rid, he's a lazy cocklodger.

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 07:59

So he got a job, got a paycheck.... and didn’t transfer anything to the joint account?? You poor thing. Flogging a dead horse.

Boom253 · 22/04/2021 07:59

It sounds like this man is going to drag you down. Sounds harsh I know but he's going to be a burden instead of a partner.

Aprilshowersandhail · 22/04/2021 08:04

Suggest you cancel the Internet as YOU can't afford it... Ime that what will shake him up...
Print off all bills and write 50% of the balance down. Tell him that's his share. Or suggest you buy your own food.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 08:07

Wow, is this real? You’re paying for everything and need to tell him to get a job and to contribute? And he calls himself a good boy like he’s your child? How can you remotely find that attractive? I’d be out, I’d not even take the convo.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/04/2021 08:13

Blimey
Do you love him?
Do you have a religious obligation to stay married.
He sounds like a cross between a burden, pet and child. You may have enabled this but it doesn't have to be for the rest of your life.
Before you have that conversation think about whether you genuinely want to be with him. Cos if you dont, setting these boundaries now might be a waste. Maybe spend a little cash with a nice solicitor now to find out what a fair settlement would look like and see if you could swallow that (although that might look better if he is in full time work) .
Good luck.

Fireflygal · 22/04/2021 08:14

How old are you both? Do you have children?

If he has no health issues, isn't providing childcare then he needs to he providing for himself, especially if you have no pensions.

Motnight · 22/04/2021 08:15

Don't fall for the thought that he isn't interested in money, Op, he most certainly is.

Reinventinganna · 22/04/2021 08:24

Does he think that the fairy’s pay the bills?

Boomchicka · 22/04/2021 08:25

@pog100

You need to swap nervousness for fucking anger, unless you've left out a lot of very good reasons why he hasn't been working. Cold calm anger backed up by the real knowledge you are out if he doesn't shape up. You have to mean it and you bloody well should mean it.
Exactly this!!
timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 08:26

If he isn’t interested in money wouldn’t he just have handed it all over? Here honey you like this stuff. Dirty lucre, you look after it.

LemonTT · 22/04/2021 08:28

@Bluntness100

Wow, is this real? You’re paying for everything and need to tell him to get a job and to contribute? And he calls himself a good boy like he’s your child? How can you remotely find that attractive? I’d be out, I’d not even take the convo.
I don’t see why you doubt it is real. There are plenty of posts from people who decide not to partake in paid work for long periods of time in order to study or start hobby like businesses. Expecting instead to be subsidised by their OH or the state. They tend to get sympathetic responses from a lot people. Although I know that you, yourself, seldom condone this.

I tend to agree and I wouldn’t put up with it myself. But there is a huge amount of hypocrisy on MN in relation to this issue. A lot of it I expect posted by MRA types to get elicit that very hypocrisy.

Me, I’d be expecting another adult to pay their way. Not make a % contribution as it is all they can afford. Because that’s not how life works & if you don’t earn enough to afford it then you need a better paid job, not to live off someone else. I acknowledge there are a huge list of exceptions to this to save people the time needed to post them.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 08:29

I don’t see why you doubt it is real

You took it literally I meant it as in it’s completely batshit way to live.

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