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Original poster

Need to have money talk with DH

80 replies

Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 06:27

I posed a while back at crunch point with my DH who hadn't worked for many years (for various reasons - long story to this) and I put my foot down and told him he needed to get a job. When he realised how serious I was (nearly 6 months after the 1st conversation about this) he did, and has been there a little while now and seems to enjoy it. He is clueless/not interested in money (easy to say when you haven't earnt it or had to deal with it for years). I feel I have got over one hurdle and now have the next ones to face these being: 1. I am gong to sit down with him in the next few weeks (I have family reasons for waiting a few weeks) and talk about money - what I want him to pay into a joint account every month, and that I want us to agree to saving each x amount each month each. My income is roughly twice his so I am happy to pay 2/3rds under the current circumstance, but I expect a 1/3 from him. I know this conversation in itself will be a hassle - getting him to set up a Standing order month , him questioning why everything costs so much etc etc His current job is a 6 month contract, so the 2nd thing is I also need to tell him that I expect him to work full time at the end of this, and to start looking for a new job when he has around 2 months left on current contract (there has been snippets of things said by him about how he would prefer to work part time, or about the time he will have off at the end of the contract) I know he will not like this and feel it is unreasonable. I know it is not and he has had the life of riley for too many years. He things now he has a job he is a "good boy" (his language not mine - yuk!)We have no pensions. As far as I am concerned it is fair I pay more if I earn more (and we are both working full time) but I am not prepared to just subsides and easy life for him (an in reality means I will have to work full time longer/have less savings or pension because of this). I am ridiculously anxious about having this conversation, and depending on his reaction it may well be the last straw for me (he would be gobsmacked - he's such a good boy). I guess I need some moral support to tackle this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 08:30

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross - yes I have broken down literally every penny spent in the last 3 years and created an average, so I will have the information to give him. We do have some savings but no pension. We have a few luxuries - the odd takeaway, a nice holiday - by that I mean a cottage in Norfolk for a week not going to Florida or Bali (pre-covid obs), but equally I cook from scratch, get a lot of things from charity shops, don't have flash cars or rarely spend money on diy (unless something breaks) I know his reaction will be we should cut back but I want a balance of some pleasures now and a secure future and I expect both of us to work hard for our future - not me working hard and him reaping the benefits

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2021 08:35

Perhaps you need to be more brutal he contributes £x per month to the joint pot or moved out and you divorce.

Suggest he starts saving now for when his contract ends.

Lordamighty · 22/04/2021 08:37

He is interested in money, your money.
I remember your original thread. You have pushed him into working for 6 months & he is now mapping out his future which includes, taking a break when his contract ends & working part time.
You know that this is the rest of your life OP, trying to cajole a grown man into working & contributing?
Good luck, you are going to need it.

Skyla2005 · 22/04/2021 08:42

You do realise that this is t normal ? You are having to treat your husband like a teenage son. My daughter is more responsible than him and she's only 20.

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 08:44

I’d jump on the we should cut back, say yes, Thats not a bad idea. Of course, he still works full time but pays you and you put it into a pension.

Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 08:45

@Modestandatinybitsexy - first pay due this week due this week - due to payroll deadline he didn't start in time for last month so this will be 5/6 weeks pay.
@pog100 - I think the thing is I am fuming but from his perspective he is doing what I asked. Not sure this is enough anymore. I want to be rational and not loose my shit in any discussions
@Fireflygal - I am 46 and he is 50. 2 DC 15 and 17
@SpiderinaWingMirror - do I love him? I'm not sure I do. At least not in the way I should to spend the rest of my life with him. Sat here right now I would end it, but the thought of saying that to him and dealing with his emotions is paralysing (he would be devastated). One part of me keeps thinking all long term relationships have hard times (we are 20+ years), but I do feel like I am dying inside. How do I know if this is just a bad patch?

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 08:48

Can I ask why, when he is a grown man that seems to need ‘managing’, you are staying with him ?
If he hadn’t have got a job (and only a six month contract at that) would you have split up ?

Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 08:49

@RandomMess
@Lordamighty
Even though I am dreading the conversation, I know if he refuses anything I ask we are done. If after one conversation he isn't fully on board and proactive (I won't keep asking or telling him what to do) we are done. Probably why I am feeling so anxious about the conversation (not good with conflict)

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DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 08:52

I understand your anxiety about the conversation, I had to have a similar conversation a few months back, but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. And it’s better to get it over and done with, rather than having these conversations in your head repeatedly.

Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 08:53

@DinosaurDiana - did things work out for you okay?

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HerMammy · 22/04/2021 08:53

I cannot understand how you can be married to someone for many years but be scared to have a conversation about family finances.
Why have you tip toed round this lazy waster??
Sit him down today and tell him how it is to be and if he doesn’t like it, show him the door.

LizziesTwin · 22/04/2021 08:54

Can you see yourself spending another 40 years like this? Realistically this is what lies ahead. Might be easier to have a couple of years of stress now than that.

Purplewithred · 22/04/2021 08:57

Good grief, he’s 50? He sounds like a teenager.

Two things that strike me here

  • if he loves you and you have been married for 20 odd years, how come he is happy to let you carry this burden? Does he know/consider how it must feel for you to be taking this responsibility? Has it every been discussed, or is he happy to just take you for granted? I assume he was SAHP while the kids were small and that was agreed?
  • if he is willing to grow up and pull his weight it will still be a massive change for him, even if he is willing it might not be that easy for him so you may need to expect gradual learning rather than an instant switch

However, that said, unless you can see a happy future together if things change I would say you are at or around the point of no return in your marriage.

FWIW in our marriage all our finances go into a single pot then we each have monthly payments into separate accounts for personal spending (and we’ve agreed what is included in this). Joint account spending other than regular stuff has to be jointly agreed

DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 09:00

[quote Boopeep76]@DinosaurDiana - did things work out for you okay?[/quote]
Erm, it’s better. But I don’t see the point of us being together. He is just a person I live with, and it’s sad when I think back to how much I adored him and the amazing sex life we had.
There was two points at which I should have walked, but you always think it’s not that bad, that it must be worse than that to split. But looking back I should have gone at either of those points.

YoniAndGuy · 22/04/2021 09:01

Sorting pensions ASAP? Err no, not until I’d made the decision to offload the cocklodger. No way would I start building a pension now so that he could help himself to that too!

And savings. YOUR savings, not his. He’s not contributed a penny to them has he? Honestly with the split in mind I’d start using some of those savings in place of some of the bigger bills right now, essentially making him make up some contributions (as in a split they’d be half his) and start keeping more of your wages in your pocket.

I’m assuming that it goes without saying that he hasn’t taken on the lions share of the parenting, housework, mental load either? Anc even if he had when the kids were small - they’re 17 and 15 and he’s only now reluctantly taken a job after you losing your shit?

You’ve been completely used by this lazy, entitled fucker!

DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 09:03

Perhaps it would be better to have a ‘break’ from each other, that way you would already be living apart, so the split might be easier.
Do you joint own your house or rent ? Can you afford to go it alone ?

Fireflygal · 22/04/2021 09:12

Oh grief, he's 50!

This will be a challenge as he is unlikely to change significantly and you will face 20 years of working and encouraging him to work.

I would NOT be cutting back. Make sure your budget has money for yourself even if that takes you over the household budget. It will show that you need his income.

I assume you pay into a work place pension? Also start to save money for emergencies. These are just sensible things to do and he will need to continue working to balance the books.

Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 09:14

@YoniAndGuy yes this has been on my mind too re pensions. I have taken legal advise and they think it would be 50/50 with the childrens ages. No he didn't taken on the lions share of things - the bits he did do expected huge praise for and has never taken on the mental load (never sorted Christmas/birthday presents for the kids, never booked a family holiday/dental appointment/sorted car insurance etc.
@DinosaurDiana - sorry to hear things are really how you would like them to be even though there has been a bit of an improvement. Yes I could afford to support myself and kids. i wouldn't move out though and think I could remortage to pay him his half (he wouldn't be able to get a large enough mortgage) - although I would be happy to sell if needed I would rather stay where I am until youngest is 18

OP posts:
Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 09:17

@Fireflygal - I have no intention of cutting back - in fact I am going to really enjoy spending money on myself for change, I have scrimped and saved to support his lifestyle too long (and now we can I want to get out of the house as much as I can). Self employed so no work pension

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2021 09:18

He would be devastated - I'm sure he would be he's retired so far as your concerned he's relying on you getting over this blip about him having to work and settling down to do what the hell he wants all day whilst you work yourself into the ground!

He doesn't love you that much if he sits around and let's you work full time and do all the wifework!

HelloMissus · 22/04/2021 09:19

What do the kids think about their dad not working?

Chamomileteaplease · 22/04/2021 09:24

I expect you can see that from the outside, this man sounds just revolting! I am sure many of us are wondering how you can share a bed with such a man. He sounds like not just a clueless child, but a lazy, selfish, stupid 50 year old. Not attractive.

You say that even when he isn't working, he doesn't run the home. What on earth is his reasoning? How does he justify his existence in your house?! Is there anything good about him?

Notaroadrunner · 22/04/2021 09:34

When his fist pay comes into his account tell him straight away that he needs to transfer x amount to pay bills. Make sure there is a joint account for bills and savings, and you both pay whatever amount you agree on each month into this account. Then keep the rest of your money separate. Don't let this slide for another few weeks or he'll think you're happy to let him keep all his earnings.

Colourmeclear · 22/04/2021 10:09

I think I'd add in that if he wants to work part time then he needs the salary to make that viable, if that's an option and it would also feel ok for you. I'm fortunate that I work part time (due to illness) but my income is still large enough that I pay my share, 40% of our costs and a bit into our savings. I just have to accept that I have less spending money for my own interest at the end of the month but that's my sacrifice and it's not at the cost of our joint financial security.

Original poster
Boopeep76 · 22/04/2021 13:48

@Colourmeclear - I am not in principle objecting to part time work - however his is on low wage, I will only be asking for him to contribute 1/3 as I earn double ( am happy to pay more when we are working similar hours and I just earn more). I feel if he was able and willing to get a much better job and could contribute 50% on part time wages then that would be fine. I am not fine with continuing to support someone else financially when there is no other considerations like small children or health issues to take into account, and when his plans for the future seem to involve savings that I feel I am expected to make because he isn't

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