Need to have money talk with DH

[Boopeep76]

I posed a while back at crunch point with my DH who hadn't worked for many years (for various reasons - long story to this) and I put my foot down and told him he needed to get a job. When he realised how serious I was (nearly 6 months after the 1st conversation about this) he did, and has been there a little while now and seems to enjoy it. He is clueless/not interested in money (easy to say when you haven't earnt it or had to deal with it for years). I feel I have got over one hurdle and now have the next ones to face these being: 1. I am gong to sit down with him in the next few weeks (I have family reasons for waiting a few weeks) and talk about money - what I want him to pay into a joint account every month, and that I want us to agree to saving each x amount each month each. My income is roughly twice his so I am happy to pay 2/3rds under the current circumstance, but I expect a 1/3 from him. I know this conversation in itself will be a hassle - getting him to set up a Standing order month , him questioning why everything costs so much etc etc His current job is a 6 month contract, so the 2nd thing is I also need to tell him that I expect him to work full time at the end of this, and to start looking for a new job when he has around 2 months left on current contract (there has been snippets of things said by him about how he would prefer to work part time, or about the time he will have off at the end of the contract) I know he will not like this and feel it is unreasonable. I know it is not and he has had the life of riley for too many years. He things now he has a job he is a "good boy" (his language not mine - yuk!)We have no pensions. As far as I am concerned it is fair I pay more if I earn more (and we are both working full time) but I am not prepared to just subsides and easy life for him (an in reality means I will have to work full time longer/have less savings or pension because of this). I am ridiculously anxious about having this conversation, and depending on his reaction it may well be the last straw for me (he would be gobsmacked - he's such a good boy). I guess I need some moral support to tackle this.

Unfortunately for you Boopeep76 he is planning early retirement & you are his pension plan.
He has no reason to think this option isn’t viable because you have fully supported him in the past.
You need to seriously put him straight about this.

Sorry, but this whole situation is insane, and it's nothing but a fucking tragedy how you have wasted years and years of your life on this toddler of a man who has absolutely zero respect and appreciation for you. He'll be devastated if you leave him? Who fucking cares! It's ridiculous that you actually do. You could have a happy future but instead you are going to sink more time into this dead end relationship that gives you nothing. Honestly, it makes my head feel like it could explode.

You know this is madness and that he has built his future on you.

Your kids are old enough to work this out. They will have some idea of the inequity in your relationship. They may even have ideas of it being a good lark!

I can't imagine how inured to it you have become to consider having conversation after conversation, leading him by the nose through baby steps, getting him to actually be an adult!

I can't believe you are talking about a grown man here not a teenager. Honestly how do you even find someone so useless attractive. You are not his mother. He really needs someone to teach him how money works. I would just end it. He is wasting your time and energy.

Only one of you should be bricking it about this conversation.

Spoiler alert: It isn't you.

He's expected and allowed you to be burdened with the financial responsibility and grown up thinking for ages. You've enabled him to do so.

After a big conversation where you set a boundary, he did get a job but now thinks that's it - he's a 'good boy' (cringe) and hasn't proactively offered to actually step up and contribute.

I couldn't spend my life with someone I had to teach / persuade / beg / ultimatum into not being selfish, childish and lazy. You don't have to do so either.

Consider what you want from a partner and your future and whether he is actually someone who fulfils that criteria. He'll be a passenger living off your headspace and bank account forever. Exhausting.

Is there any point to this man? Why are you devoting yourself to the task of training him up to partake in adult life?
Your 'good boy' needs to land on his arse in the street!

Let me guess - he's still blaming Mrs Thatcher because he couldn't get a job?
However, you won't need to deal with his devastated emotions if you kick him out - he'll be gone. Licking his wounds and whining in a pub somewhere. If he's not too bad-looking, perhaps some other silly woman will feel the urge to rescue him.

Whats really sad about this post is I have listened to a couple of conversations similar to yours OP but my friends are talking about their lazy sons and how they need to get a proper job. You seem to be taking on role of his mother. Why have you let this happen?

I'm sure you posted before as I remember an incredibly similar tale!

I think you will end up divorcing him as he is just so bloody lazy. Good news is that the pension and savings you make after you divorce is yours all yours!! Can you imagine being able to work part time abs have fun with out that mill stone?

[quote Boopeep76]@Fireflygal - I have no intention of cutting back - in fact I am going to really enjoy spending money on myself for change, I have scrimped and saved to support his lifestyle too long (and now we can I want to get out of the house as much as I can). Self employed so no work pension[/quote]
OP, feeling like this - honestly is the conversation even worth it? You need to divorce.

I guess yes, have the conversation because it will cement it - he might make the right noises in the short term, but it won't last.

Don't give him dire warnings. Just tell what you believe to be fair and let him demonstrate just how much he is genuinely willing, from the heart, to treat you as a team and pull his weight. Spoiler: he isn't. At all.

I don't know how much you have in savings but I would seriously stat using at least some of it, instead of your wages, for living expenses. He'll be taking half of it, so box clever and make sure there isn't a penny more in there than needs to be after any big expenses are covered.

A 50 yr old man who thinks he’s a good boy for having a job 🙄 tell me you don’t shag him??
Christ I feel the vomit rising.
Show your D.C. you have some self respect and get rid of him.

There has been more than one post like this but it sounds familiar. Is this the bloke who thinks western civilisation is wasteful and he would be happy living in a shack in the woods? (that he funds by... being married to someone who slogs their guts out in fulltime work while he utters stinging critiques of capitalism?)
Great that you've kicked his arse into a job but I can't believe he's barely started it and is already talking about working part-time! You must be really pissed off OP.

Wow-I couldn’t put up with a second more of this.

Whose name is on the mortgage?

OP, I lived with someone like this for a few years and as soon as I moved in and had a pretty well paid job he was busy jacking in his none too great job and sat pontificating various money making schemes— once he did set a business up he was useless at it because he wanted a job from 9 to 4pm maximum and lots of ‘me’ time. I stuck it 4 years, refused a proposal and then left — it’s in a certain kind of guys mentality

Why and when did he stop working,? I think it probably is relevant

Good boy 🤮

For the love of god please wake up OP and leave this blood sucking manchild.

I would tell him straight. He works full time, pays 50% of everything and he gets another before this one ends.

Or I'd tell him that we are finished.

The problem in asking him for 1/3 is that he'll presume that the less he earns the less he has to pay, so going part time will suit him just fine. He earns less part time, pays less into the pot and his lifestyle doesn't change.

I'd be telling him he needs to find X amount to put into the pot, if he earns over that, he keeps it, any less and he gets nothing for himself.

He's being vu

Why do you want to stay with this lazy entitled man?

That's what many asked last time, but sadly OP still seems to be flogging this dead horse

I'm sorry OP you seem to be too far from normal to see it. He's sponged off you for years and intends to retire and sponge more while you work until you drop. While also doing all the housework.

Doubtless you'll be back in another year or two as he does the absolute bare minimum to keep you chained to him.

It's like your talking about your teenage son, not your partner.

Nagging at him to get a job, reminding him hes going to have apply again soon when his contract runs out and then having to explain to him he will have to contribute to the bills and savings.

Is this a grown man? Does he have special needs?

If he isn't, I would have no problem laying down the law or I would be getting rid of this cocklodger.

Your self esteem must be really really low OP to put up with this.

Hes a child. Do you cut up sausages for him too?

I would get rid. He sounds pathetic and will never change

OP is happy to do it so let her crack on

If neither of you has a pension, how does he foresee your future? How does he think you’ll be able to live? Or is he leaving that problem to you?

I think the problem is you have allowed him to be like this for a very long time, so as far as he’s concerned he didn’t need to change. I wonder why you did?

It’s not really been a partnership ie where you both “work together” for a common goal. Did you always “cut back” to enable his lifestyle?

He is probably going to be shocked at your new stance but I think you should make him understand you can’t do it all on your own anymore -especially if you want a half decent existence in retirement (which isn’t’t that far away).