Need to have money talk with DH

[Boopeep76]

I posed a while back at crunch point with my DH who hadn't worked for many years (for various reasons - long story to this) and I put my foot down and told him he needed to get a job. When he realised how serious I was (nearly 6 months after the 1st conversation about this) he did, and has been there a little while now and seems to enjoy it. He is clueless/not interested in money (easy to say when you haven't earnt it or had to deal with it for years). I feel I have got over one hurdle and now have the next ones to face these being: 1. I am gong to sit down with him in the next few weeks (I have family reasons for waiting a few weeks) and talk about money - what I want him to pay into a joint account every month, and that I want us to agree to saving each x amount each month each. My income is roughly twice his so I am happy to pay 2/3rds under the current circumstance, but I expect a 1/3 from him. I know this conversation in itself will be a hassle - getting him to set up a Standing order month , him questioning why everything costs so much etc etc His current job is a 6 month contract, so the 2nd thing is I also need to tell him that I expect him to work full time at the end of this, and to start looking for a new job when he has around 2 months left on current contract (there has been snippets of things said by him about how he would prefer to work part time, or about the time he will have off at the end of the contract) I know he will not like this and feel it is unreasonable. I know it is not and he has had the life of riley for too many years. He things now he has a job he is a "good boy" (his language not mine - yuk!)We have no pensions. As far as I am concerned it is fair I pay more if I earn more (and we are both working full time) but I am not prepared to just subsides and easy life for him (an in reality means I will have to work full time longer/have less savings or pension because of this). I am ridiculously anxious about having this conversation, and depending on his reaction it may well be the last straw for me (he would be gobsmacked - he's such a good boy). I guess I need some moral support to tackle this.

This is not a bad patch. A bad patch might be, for example, where he is suffering a temporary issue meaning he isn't contributing in the short term. This is fundamentally about his behaviour and deeply ingrained attitudes over a long period of time.

Please don't question yourself OP. I think you know deep down that this relationship has no future. Be brave, if only for the sake of your future self. You only get one life.

OP you sound very accepting of this whole situation and I'm not sure you realise how completely bizarre it is... Or maybe you've come here to get the push you need?

Unless there are other factors going on of course, your husband refusing to take an active part in society/your lives together is REALLY WEIRD. A lot of people don't want to work, but we don't get to just turn round to the people we love and force them to support us, refuse to engage with the basics of running a household... Like I say, unless there's a very good reason, a lot of people would have laughed him out of the door a long time ago. Especially considering he doesn't sound like a good partner otherwise and you've been carrying the burden of him for a long time.

Do you respect him? I think a lack of respect is a death knell for a lot of relationships and after two decades of taking the mental load and some time spent supporting him while he fannies around planning a post-contract break and not contributing, I wouldn't respect him any more. That might be the angle you should take with him, if it's the case, to show him how much his behaviour has damaged the fabric of your relationship.

Good luck for your conversation - I hope you get what you want and need out of it.

OP, I think you should have him keep all his paycheck this month, rather than transfer a third to you, as he'll need it to put down a deposit on a rental flat when you kick him out at the end of the week

I would not tolerate this, what a drain on you and your children's future. I would be taking financial advice to make sure he gets as little as possible and plan a divorce. What has he contributed to your life together? How dare he expect you to support him financially and basically parent him? I'm angry on your behalf. You deserve so much more.

Your post makes sense if you're talking about a child. It doesn't when you're talking about an adult.

How can you live like this?