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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says he's done.

89 replies

Lostmyself86 · 21/04/2021 22:56

Hi,

Been with my husband 13 years and have 3 children. One is a baby. We've just been offered a new house with HA. Husband didn't like it from the start but we are over crowded where we are so this place is better for us, plus it has a garden which we don't have now. He eventually came round to the idea of it, then changed his mind after we let the kids see videos of it, then changed his mind back to signing for it and now he doesn't want it because we have to be out the current property in a week and he doesn't think we can pack up in a week when he works full time, we have a baby and I have a chronic pain illness. I am positive about it and said we can if we work as a team even though it will be stressful but he stuck to his guns. I called him selfish because it's better for the kids and they know about the house now. My middle child has been having anxiety issues since lockdown and I think changing our minds is cruel to him. I am sticking to my guns about wanting to go. We argued and he mocked my illness and left. He text me later today saying he believes we have had enough of each other and it's best for the kids if we break up (we had been off and on arguing prior to house offer). I said I hadn't given up but if he wants to then he needs to move out. He said he will make arrangements. We haven't spoken since other than him saying at some point we need to talk about a divorce. I said he can sort it as its his choice. I now can't move house anyway as I can't afford the moving costs and rent etc as well as carpets (none in property). So I'm stuck in this hell hole with 3 kids. He's now asleep on sofa. I feel like he's so selfish. I resent him so much. I'm heartbroken

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2021 23:07

Why don’t you forge ahead with the move? Don’t put him on the tenancy! Can’t you ask the HA to put in carpets? Don’t let him stop you, particularly if he isn’t staying with you!

Lozzerbmc · 21/04/2021 23:22

Can you go ahead with move without him? It seems a shame to miss out on the house

Hdiebfhs · 21/04/2021 23:25

Do everything you can to get that property and in your name. Can you not claim housing benefit? Get family and friends to help you move?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 21/04/2021 23:30

Try and move if you can. You will manage with newspaper on the floors for a bit, and people give rugs away on fb free groups etc.

I was in almost this exact situation.
My ex did move with me although I ended up doing all the box-shifting, packing etc alone, chronic pain and all.
He left after about 10 months. I was very glad to have a house with low rent so that I could raise my children and sort myself out as a single parent.

Do you get disability benefits? Would you be eligible for universal credit?

kensington09 · 21/04/2021 23:38

Could he just be saying this to ruin the move?

And once it's too late to take the house suddenly the idea of divorce will be off the table?

Don't give in to him.

Move to the new house with your kids - see if he back tracks once he realises you are moving! & as PP has said you can get rugs / furniture etc for free / cheap on FB groups / marketplace.

Good luck xx

Guavafish · 21/04/2021 23:41

Moving and claim housing benefit.

Fifipop185 · 21/04/2021 23:43

No, please don't give up the house OP. Get as organised as you can, get as many friends and family to help as you (socially distanced) can, and move. There's always lots of free bits of carpet and rugs available on fb and freecycle, you may qualify for UC as a single parent. You can do this, with or without him. Good luck!

Maggiesfarm · 21/04/2021 23:44

@Guavafish

Moving and claim housing benefit.

Yes.

Don't turn down this house.

timeisnotaline · 21/04/2021 23:45

Forget about carpets. Can you afford the rent? (Do you get some benefits as a single?) if so I’d move heaven and earth to move. Ask friends for favours shamelessly. Fuck him.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 22/04/2021 00:02

get on with the move and make sure it's only your name on the tenancy - otherwise he'll dick you about after you've moved in and you'll be stuck trying to get rid of him or having to move again...........

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 22/04/2021 00:23

Please move, put in for benefits and apply for a budgeting loan from
The DWP for house furnishings.

newnamenewposts · 22/04/2021 00:35

You must move into the house. I imagine that you've waited some time for the property?
You'll be able to get UC and HB if you split.
I've just done it and it took a few months to save for the vinyl flooring (much cheaper than carpet) and we just wore our slippers until then. I agree with previous poster as soon as you let the property go he'll be back with his tail between his legs. Tell him to piss off!

gutful · 22/04/2021 02:58

Not moving into a council house due to no carpets indicates you're not that desperately in need of housing.

You need to move into the house & ditch the husband.

Trustisamust · 22/04/2021 03:47

I would move into the house just you and the kids.

I became a single parent suddenly some years ago and had to quickly find a private rent (could just about afford as was working pt). I had no spare money for furniture but was very kindly supported by charities to help us out. Kids were only 3 and 6 at the time.

Leaving my husband was the right thing to do. It was hard but I did it!

Does your husband work currently to support his family?

frazzledasarock · 22/04/2021 04:19

Move into the new house, claim any and every benefit you can. Start a CMS claim as well.

amylou8 · 22/04/2021 04:25

Do everything you can to move. Rally family and friends to help you. Don't worry about carpets, just get everything from A to B and sort the rest out later. In all likelihood he's constructing this argument/separation to stop the move.

me4real · 22/04/2021 05:18

Do it. Not being with him won't effect the number of bedrooms you need, so you'll still be entitled to the property.

You should be eligible to help with housing costs to cover your rent.

Things like carpets and stuff will come together with time.

Not moving into a council house due to no carpets indicates you're not that desperately in need of housing.

@gutful ???????????? OP is living inappropriate overcrowded accomodation with three children. The carpet thing is her getting stressed about how she's going to make an ok home for her children. IDK how much you know about council housing (and presuumably hosing association is similar), but she doesn't mean the one there isn't very nice and she'd like to replace it. When you move into a council house there's none there at all just a cement floor or tiles. She's 'just' stressed about how she's going to make it habitable for her and her LO's. I'm in council housing so I know what I'm talking about.

@Lostmyself86 Things will come together, you can carpet/do out a bit at a time. It needn't be as expensive as you fear. x

HowBest2Invest · 22/04/2021 06:10

Move into the house. There are plenty of charities that will help you find rugs or carpets. My friend does a lot of work for CAP, who you could contact, and I'm sure there are other organisations too.

Original poster

Lostmyself86 · 22/04/2021 07:54

Thanks everyone. I was giving up but reading this has made me realise he's probably doing it to stop the move. He will be shocked to see me packing.

To poster who says I'm not desperate due to carpet situation. There's literally no flooring. I was concerned about my crawling baby on such floors.

OP posts:

OrchestraOfWankery · 22/04/2021 08:06

Ask around for floor coverings, look on give away sites, do ANYTHING - but please get that house and leave that horrid man behind.

LST · 22/04/2021 08:08

Do you claim PIP OP?

JackieWeaverFever · 22/04/2021 08:12

Do everything you can to get that property
And make a fresh start.

If you dont have any for a monyh it's annoying but really not a big deal.
I lived in a flat with none for 6 months !!!
Check Freecycle it often has rugs etc which you can use temporarily

RandomMess · 22/04/2021 08:15

Glad you are feeling more positive. Absolutely sign for the new tenancy yourself and pack the essentials and go with the DC.

You may be entitled to a grant to help once you sort out your single status etc.

Yes to free cycle, Facebook, charities etc ask for help.

Moondust001 · 22/04/2021 08:19

@Lostmyself86

Thanks everyone. I was giving up but reading this has made me realise he's probably doing it to stop the move. He will be shocked to see me packing.

To poster who says I'm not desperate due to carpet situation. There's literally no flooring. I was concerned about my crawling baby on such floors.

I'm not usually one to make such a comment, so I don't mean it in a bad way but babies have been crawling on uncarpeted floors for centuries. Yours will cope - cheap rugs are easy if you need an immediate answer to the problem.

Speak to the HA - explain what has happened and arrange to have the house in your name. They may also allow you a little more time to move in as they can do that if they want to. A void for an extra week or two is not that big a problem for them.

VettiyaIruken · 22/04/2021 08:21

I bet anything he already wanted out and his behaviour about the move is due to that.

Take the house. HA is not something to turn down!

Carpets etc can be sorted. Even if it's a case of cheap crappy rugs for a tenner until you can get it sorted. Your baby will be fine.

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