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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he's done.

89 replies

Lostmyself86 · 21/04/2021 22:56

Hi,

Been with my husband 13 years and have 3 children. One is a baby. We've just been offered a new house with HA. Husband didn't like it from the start but we are over crowded where we are so this place is better for us, plus it has a garden which we don't have now. He eventually came round to the idea of it, then changed his mind after we let the kids see videos of it, then changed his mind back to signing for it and now he doesn't want it because we have to be out the current property in a week and he doesn't think we can pack up in a week when he works full time, we have a baby and I have a chronic pain illness. I am positive about it and said we can if we work as a team even though it will be stressful but he stuck to his guns. I called him selfish because it's better for the kids and they know about the house now. My middle child has been having anxiety issues since lockdown and I think changing our minds is cruel to him. I am sticking to my guns about wanting to go. We argued and he mocked my illness and left. He text me later today saying he believes we have had enough of each other and it's best for the kids if we break up (we had been off and on arguing prior to house offer). I said I hadn't given up but if he wants to then he needs to move out. He said he will make arrangements. We haven't spoken since other than him saying at some point we need to talk about a divorce. I said he can sort it as its his choice. I now can't move house anyway as I can't afford the moving costs and rent etc as well as carpets (none in property). So I'm stuck in this hell hole with 3 kids. He's now asleep on sofa. I feel like he's so selfish. I resent him so much. I'm heartbroken

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/04/2021 08:22

Please don't give up on the house OP - if you turn it down you'll lose your priority and you'll struggle to get another offer, potentially you could end up waiting years.

Post on local FB groups and places like Freegle/Freecycle - people are so willing to help.

Also worth calling the housing office and asking if there's a way of pushing the date back. Explain that you're disabled and a newly single mum and it will take some time to pack everything up. Make sure you let them know you have a disability - they should make reasonable allowances to ensure you're not disadvantaged.

Good luck, I have a feeling you and your DC will flourish without your useless lump of a H dragging you down.

MiniTheMinx · 22/04/2021 08:22

Is his name on the tenancy for your existing home?

If not, pack up kids stuff and yours, even if its just the essentials, beds, etc....organise help to move, sign new tenancy and go. If he is still in the house with his stuff the HA will get him out. Don't give up on a proper suitable home for your DC.

He could be pulling a stunt to stop the move, even if that is the case he could also decide months later that he's off and done with family life. So take back control from him.

MiniTheMinx · 22/04/2021 08:25

I moved into a refurb job, a complete wreck when youngest was 6m. Obviously no flooring! we got a play pen, then carpeted one room for baby. Its doable.

ItsNotLoveActually · 22/04/2021 08:25

Think long term gain rather than short term pain.
As a single Mum you'll be able to get Housing benefit plus other financial help. Lots of charities offer carpets and basic furniture. Ask for help - today!

Winterbaby21 · 22/04/2021 08:32

Take the house OP, I'm overcrowded and would give anything to be offered a HA home. It's a secure lifelong tenancy, the rent will be lower than private, it's what's best for your children.

If he doesn't come with you I'm sure you'll be entitled to benefits that will make the rent doable.

WitchDancer · 22/04/2021 08:38

Can you ask friends and family for help in packing? If not it may be worth asking the housing association for some help?

Once you do move just put a blanket or duvet on the floor for the baby, which will be fine until you manage to get flooring sorted.

You can do this!

OldWivesTale · 22/04/2021 08:42

You must move anyway. Find anyway you can to do it. Forget the carpets for now. You might be able to find cheap rugs on Facebook or at car boot sales etc. It will be great to have a garden.

Your husband is a selfish arse. He just sounds like a drain. You can do this by yourself. Do you have anyone in RL who could help you pack and move?

Palavah · 22/04/2021 08:42

Make sure you're claiming all the benefits you're entitled to and put in the CMS claim.
See if the HA can put in carpets.
Check out Olio and freecycle for people giving away rugs and carpets.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/04/2021 08:44

OP please move into your new house, you don't need his name on the Tenancy.

Don't let an obstructive, unsupportive man condemn you to unsuitable property with your children for years to come, stressed angry and defeated.

Phone your HA tell them you can't afford to move, and about your chronic pain. They will advise you and for all you know, may be able to help.

Register with Freegle and Freecycle, these sites give household stuff away

I've forgotten who runs it now but there's a white goods scheme where if you're in need you can get fridge cooker and washing machine. Your HA will know

OldWivesTale · 22/04/2021 08:45

Try to just get your name on the tenancy if possible. Call CAB to get advice on benefits, local charities who may offer furniture etc.

OldWivesTale · 22/04/2021 08:48

Whereabouts are you in the UK, OP? We could even do a shout out for anyone that's got any old rugs they're getting rid of; people chuck out good stuff all the time, it amazes me.

OldWivesTale · 22/04/2021 08:48

I mean roughly where are you? County?

acceptableinthe80sx · 22/04/2021 08:49

Move anyway. By not moving your letting him win. Surely HA housing is cheaper than rent too?

picklemewalnuts · 22/04/2021 08:51

You can do it!
You can ask churches if they can point you to help- they often know service providers or will ask congregation for things for you. Whenever someone in a vulnerable situation comes to our attention we ask around and can usually rustle up some furniture, spare carpet or whatever to tide people over. Someone will have a playpen and some big rugs, while you get sorted.

Keep going.

OldWivesTale · 22/04/2021 08:51

Come on, OP! You can do this! Think about you and your children having a fresh start in a new home. We're all here to talk you through it if you don't have any help in RL.

marchez · 22/04/2021 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love51 · 22/04/2021 08:59

Our council offers basically a loan scheme for carpets. You pay increased rent for the first year to cover them putting in new carpets. They do an enhanced version if you need it furnishing. Could yours offer something similar? Seems daft to miss out on a great opportunity due to carpets.
Do carpet shops do buy now pay later? Sofa shops do so it might be worth trying!

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 09:00

OP don’t lose out on the house with a garden at the start of the summer it will transform your life and be amazing for the children. Your husband is behaving like a useless idiot. Rally anyone you can think of to help with the lifting, packing, driving etc.
Put a message on Facebook to ask anyone who is about to get rid of any large rugs- I have bought really beautiful rugs from the charity shop. Where do you live?

Gottashiftit · 22/04/2021 09:06

This all sounds so overwhelming op but please don't miss out on a secure HA place with more space and an outdoor space for your family.

Picture yourself there in the summertime with your kids splashing around in a little paddling pool while you sit on your doorstep with a coffee in the sunshine.

The next few weeks will be tough but power on through, you can do this

Trustisamust · 22/04/2021 09:09

You'd be mad not to take your HA place. Private rent is very expensive. I speak from experience as we've had no choice but to do so for seven years and counting. I have three kids too.
Are you claiming PIP if you are unable to work due to your health?
What is your husband's financial situation?
Good luck x

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 09:10

Some great advice here op. You can do it!! I’m sure it seems very daunting but tick off calling these associations, get things into boxes, ask everyone you know for help, including the HA (ask them first - make sure you say very clearly I’m still moving. I can’t wait. Is there any way I could take an extra week? And re loans) and it will all be done pretty soon.

EileenGC · 22/04/2021 09:14

You can do this OP! We’re all rooting for you here. Think of the satisfaction you’ll feel when you move into your new house, and slowly make it into a home. You and the children will be happier without him, by the sounds of it.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 09:16

Wow don’t give up. Crack on with your move. Do whatever is required ro make it work. Is there any grants available, local volunteers? Anything?

SilkyMoonfaceandTheSaucepanMan · 22/04/2021 09:18

OP Another here to say I think you should take it.
Ignore your husband for now - he doesn't want to move, you and the kids do. He has decided to leave, sounds like to manipulate you.
Don't let him.

It's perfect timing, in a few weeks you will be sitting in the garden with your kids. How lovely.

hellywelly3 · 22/04/2021 09:18

Do everything you can to get in that house. You call in every favour you have with friends and family. You can do this on your own. A house with HA is something people wait years for don’t let him ruin this for your children, you really will regret it.

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