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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says he's done.

89 replies

Lostmyself86 · 21/04/2021 22:56

Hi,

Been with my husband 13 years and have 3 children. One is a baby. We've just been offered a new house with HA. Husband didn't like it from the start but we are over crowded where we are so this place is better for us, plus it has a garden which we don't have now. He eventually came round to the idea of it, then changed his mind after we let the kids see videos of it, then changed his mind back to signing for it and now he doesn't want it because we have to be out the current property in a week and he doesn't think we can pack up in a week when he works full time, we have a baby and I have a chronic pain illness. I am positive about it and said we can if we work as a team even though it will be stressful but he stuck to his guns. I called him selfish because it's better for the kids and they know about the house now. My middle child has been having anxiety issues since lockdown and I think changing our minds is cruel to him. I am sticking to my guns about wanting to go. We argued and he mocked my illness and left. He text me later today saying he believes we have had enough of each other and it's best for the kids if we break up (we had been off and on arguing prior to house offer). I said I hadn't given up but if he wants to then he needs to move out. He said he will make arrangements. We haven't spoken since other than him saying at some point we need to talk about a divorce. I said he can sort it as its his choice. I now can't move house anyway as I can't afford the moving costs and rent etc as well as carpets (none in property). So I'm stuck in this hell hole with 3 kids. He's now asleep on sofa. I feel like he's so selfish. I resent him so much. I'm heartbroken

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 22/04/2021 09:24

Please go ahead with the move and reach out to local charities to help.

There will be help available, if you say roughly where you are someone may be able to point you in the right direction, or PM me and I’ll happily do some digging.

Also, if he backtracks when he realises you’re serious let him make those arrangements to move out anyway. It sounds like you’ll be much happier in the new place with the DC.

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 09:25

Confirm that you want the house now, don’t put it off and get overwhelmed and talk yourself out of it. Make phone calls to the council today to find out about possible crisis loans or grants. You might be able to get a community care grant. You have to be unbelievably dynamic and determined for the next few weeks but it will be so worth it. Call anyone you can think to help today, Get black bin bags and start packing anything soft that you can lift easily. So do clothes, spare bedding, blankets, towels, soft toys that are not being used. Do another lot of bags with anything that you want to get rid of. Then you need to get hold of boxes and start packing books and toys. Do kitchen stuff last clearly labelled so you can open it first for the kettle, baby food, snacks etc. Imagine planting some little pots in your new garden, the kids having more space and sitting in the sun.

MadinMarch · 22/04/2021 09:25

If the floors are bare concrete, they do produce a LOT of dust constantly. Do try to paint them before you move in with garage floor paint. It makes a huge difference and they can be swept and cleaned more easily.
I know from experience from many years ago...
Definitely move, and Good Luck!

Elieza · 22/04/2021 09:28

Get him told you are moving with or without him and he needs to make up his mind if he is staying or leaving. Because you will be entitled to more benefits etc if he goes. So you need to know.

If he says he’s off then fine and dandy. Get on to the HA and tell them what’s happened and apply for all the benefits you can get.

Good luck. 😀

Monr0e · 22/04/2021 09:29

Also, contact your health visiting team, they might be able to signpost you to some charities who can help with the flooring and furniture situation

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/04/2021 09:33

I agree with the others take the house and ditch the arsehole ex.

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 09:34

Do you know anyone with a car or van that could help? Phone round today and ask if they could help doing car trips on moving day. Post on Facebook appealing for help from your friends list. People really will help if you ask.

Branleuse · 22/04/2021 09:35

You can move in without carpets. People will help you

AlphabetAerobics · 22/04/2021 09:35

Please take the house!

When I took a council house under similar circumstances there was no carpet. Don't know WHY I got so fixated on that - I suppose in the grand scheme of all the emotional turmoil it seemed important.

I had chipboard floors in most of the house and in the living room someone at some point had sanded and polished the floorboards, but I had to remove a lot of nails or hammer them in.

One day I had a visit from my HV who took one look around and within a week I had a cooker (I'd been managing with george forman/slow cooker) AND carpets. Not in ALL rooms because I didn't have - and the criteria literally WAS - a "crawling baby".

I didn't know I COULD access any help.

Funnily enough - it was MN who told me to contact my HV because I'd had a grumble here. Many, many vipers offered me carpets + rugs!

Obviously a fortnight after I got the carpets there was a chimney flood and my new carpets got covered in soot water - but life is a twat anyway.

DianaT1969 · 22/04/2021 09:36

You aren't thinking straight OP. You say you have to leave your current home. Presumably you gave notice? Get that HA home in your name and apply for single person benefits. Your relationship is dead. Completely dead.
Regarding not having carpets - move in and sort them when you can. Bare concrete/rotten floorboards are better than being homeless.
You say your illness prevents you packing. I'm not unsympathetic, but you were well enough to try for 3 children (one recently) and they are physically demanding for 18 years. Whereas your packing and unpacking is physically demanding for a month. Don't you have any friends or family that you can ask to help for a few hours each?

RaiseTheBeastie · 22/04/2021 09:41

The carpets, the oh (ex?), any other issues can be sorted in time.

Beg borrow and steal, do everything possible to get into that house with your dc. Then apply for every benefit you're entitled to as a single parent, CMS etc. And contact the HA to let them know it will just be your name on the tenancy.

But don't lose the house. Everything else can be sorted in time but having a forever home for you and your dc will be life changing.

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 09:44

Do the move without him. Better to be a single mum in a decent house than in a cramped one.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 22/04/2021 09:45

Get some rugs for now or offcuts of carpet.
Take the house it will be great security for you and your children.
Don't worry about him, don't put him on the tenancy, this is for you and your kids.

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 09:46

Get in the local freecycle fb page. There are always tons of things on that including carpets.

drinkingwineoutofamug · 22/04/2021 09:46

If giving up tenancy , gathering he has to leave as well.
Can you take carpets you have now with you?
May not fit the rooms but are a start.
Speak to the HA about moving costs or HV?
Think he's in for a shock and you will be pleasantly surprised at the help you will get

SatyajitRayFan · 22/04/2021 09:58

I wouldn't give up on the house OP. All other posters have given you very good advice on what you can do to fix up the house. I would take the advice offered here.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 22/04/2021 10:02

He sounds completely overwhelmed. You need to shoulder some of his burden.

Look at it from his point of view, he works full time. His wife has a chronic illness so most of the packing and work will fall onto him. He's the sole earner, so extra outgoings also land onto his shoulders.

Look into roping in family and friends to help so he doesn't feel all of this extra work is landing onto him. That's a lot of plates he's juggling right now. I know I'd struggle to cope too.

user1471462428 · 22/04/2021 10:04

I worked as a support worker on a health visiting team and I had a case like yours. She moved in I organised a local carpet shop to supply off cuts and found a carpet fitter. I also managed to get her a dining room set that one of the other health visitor was getting rid. People want to help so just ask. Think about the future and imagine your children enjoying the garden. It will help you over the next few days.

EveningOverRooftops · 22/04/2021 10:23

Take your current carpets with you if you own them. Fuck it if they don’t fit.

Failing that hop into your local free page (ours is in Fb) and put out a plea for rugs. Or decent sized bits of carpet. There are countless generous people out there who will help you given your situation.

Do what you need to for you and fuck your husband right now. He is a grade A wanker.

Eviebeans · 22/04/2021 10:42

Something to remember when you are packing up when time and everything else is against you is that you don't have to take every single item everyone owns. Take essentials and precious items. You can replace everything else over time. People can be very helpful and generous with their time and in other ways when someone genuinely needs help. Go for it. The house is for the long term where your husband probably isn't

Sillysandy · 22/04/2021 12:18

F**k him as a pp said.

You can do it OP! We are all behind you. Get your house sorted for you and the kids and worry about that tosser later. Do you have any friends / family you can ask for help? Somebody can post on a Freecycle site for you.

Keep posting here if you need a push. So many people have been in a similar position, it looks too hard but you are stronger than you realise.

He's a waste of space and just holding you back.

Sakurami · 22/04/2021 12:56

If your relationship is usually sound, I would cut him some slack. Working full time, 3 kids, a baby and a wife with a chronic illness is a lot without adding moving house. Moving house is difficult and super stressful at the best of times.

Even if you can't physically do much, take on the mental/project management of it and break it down into manageable tasks in order of priority. He will probably respond better if you do that and he can see that it can be done.

Also, if you can get bin bags and sort all the stuff that needs to be binned or given away that is helpful.

SatyajitRayFan · 22/04/2021 13:17

@Sakurami

Also, if you can get bin bags and sort all the stuff that needs to be binned or given away that is helpful.

This is very good advice.

Original poster

Lostmyself86 · 22/04/2021 20:20

Evening everyone,

Just wanted to update you all. Husband eventually came around after a long talk. Me breaking down probably helped 🙄.

I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words, advice and encouragement and especially to a poster who private messaged me with such a generous offer.
Mumsnet gets a lot of bad words sometimes about people being harsh etc but this thread goes to show how kind people can be. I wish I could hug you all. Thanks again x

OP posts:

Hdiebfhs · 22/04/2021 21:27

I am so glad that you are moving.. but you really need to make plans to leave this man.

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