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Original poster

Baffled by Reaction

115 replies

Noodle765 · 21/04/2021 22:24

I’m Moving out of a rental property which I shared with exH 5 yrs ago. When he was here, he drilled holes in the wall for his computer stuff, bought large outdoor storage boxes for his motorcycle stuff and put up a wooden slat in DCs room.
I asked exh if he could sort out the above before we move and he replied rudely.
I’ve been seeing someone for 4 months & mentioned the above exchange.
He replied with: “needy ex wife”
I thought he was joking, so I sent a jokey reply back.
He responded with “I’m serious”
So I explained how it’s important to me because I want to get the tenancy deposit back & if the tables were turned I would leave the property the way I found it.
He replied with “Don’t make excuses. That lot could be done for about £100. I feel like u need a reason to keep in touch with your ex. Most people hate their ex and for £100 or so would gladly pay it rather than have to deal with them.”
Is it just my pms, or is that response a bit harsh and odd? (Just wanted some sympathy from him to be honest. First time doing a move completely on my own with DC)
For the record, I ONLY communicate with ex re DC, can’t remember a non-DC text conversation with him.

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 22/04/2021 06:38

You've only been seeing BF for 4 months and contacting your ex of 5 years sounds like a red flag for him. He might have experienced previous set ups with 'ex' husbands who were anything but. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging then I'd talk it through with him before binning it.

Thegoldplace · 22/04/2021 06:43

It sounds like he’s reacting as if his own ex wife were asking him for help. Clearly hasn’t sorted out his own emotional baggage and is projecting onto you. Red flag.

Yellowhighheels · 22/04/2021 06:51

Pretty harsh and jealous. I don't think it was needy, asking your ex to repair/ remove his alterations to the house. I know he's been gone a long time but he didn't need to reply rudely as he would have had to do it if you'd left together. Tbh neither of them sound very nice or great at communicating in a civil way if they don't agree with what they're hearing.

Stout01 · 22/04/2021 07:03

They sound like pretty trivial things for a relationship that ended 5 years ago. Especially a rental.

Sounds like something has triggered him a little. But it also wouldn't be unreasonable for him to assume you are looking for conflict with your ex. Accept you have different views and move forward unless there are other issues to consider here.

Red flag - everything is on this board!

Fidgety31 · 22/04/2021 07:23

If I were your boyfriend then I would wonder why you are asking a long time ex to fix your house . Surely you have the capability to fix some holes on the wall ? You say having pride in doing this yourself - but you’re asking your ex to help too?

It sounds like you were texting your boyfriend about this looking for sympathy. I’m not surprised he responded the way he did. Maybe this was a sneaky way of trying to get him to help instead - in which case just ask him directly .
Playing the martyr is never a good look.

JustAnotherOldMan · 22/04/2021 07:28

The BF was harsh but right, you should be able to deal with it yourself and not involved Ex,
New BF should have volunteered himself to fix, filling a few holes is easy

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 07:30

What? Yout ex hasn’t lived there for five years and you asked him to come fill some holes? Seriously?

AlternativePerspective · 22/04/2021 07:33

Your BF is right, even if he phrased it wrongly.

I don’t actually dislike my ex, but if he contacted me over something so trivial from five years ago I’d tell him to do it himself, as he would me I have no doubt.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 07:37

On first reading you think god that was harsh and a huge red flag. Then when you realise the ex hasn’t lived there five years then it’s clear the new guy is right.

Do you still have feelings for your ex? Was this just an excuse to get him round? That would be my first thought.

MzHz · 22/04/2021 07:40

@category12

I do think it's a bit odd for you to ask your ex to make those things good if he moved out 5 years ago.

But I wouldn't like the needy crack from the current boyfriend, seems a jerk-ass thing to say.

I’d suggest that you made a poor choice in choosing the ex, and perhaps repeated the process with this guy.

Bin them BOTH Smile

Isitreallyme77 · 22/04/2021 07:41

I get on with my ex, in fact he is cat sitting for me in the summer so I probably would have asked him to come over to fix something if I couldn't do it myself but I would try and do it myself first. If we hardly spoke it would be very different.

MzHz · 22/04/2021 07:41

Meant to say that I agreed with @category12’S post

MzHz · 22/04/2021 07:42

My ds dad kicked off when I asked my exh to cat sit

Same scenario- should have binned ds dad (no kids then)

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 07:46

@JustAnotherOldMan

The BF was harsh but right, you should be able to deal with it yourself and not involved Ex, New BF should have volunteered himself to fix, filling a few holes is easy
What! Why should he have volunteered? She’s a grown up, she can fill a few holes herself, she doesn’t need a bloke to do it for her. It’s hardly complex, skilled or physical Labour.

No wonder the ex was rude in response and no wonder the new guy said what he did, I’d have said it myself

Peace43 · 22/04/2021 07:47

I agree with your ex! YABU

ProfessorInkling · 22/04/2021 07:50

New boyfriend is rude.

Is the deposit going to be returned to you and your ex? That makes a difference, I think.

Jubilate · 22/04/2021 07:51

OP isn't so much asking for a favour from Ex, more for him to fix the things he did to their rented property.

I'm afraid I think the consensus to bin the boyfriend might be the correct one. He sounds needy and intolerant to having his ego dented. A turn off for me.

TedMullins · 22/04/2021 07:53

I presume most of the people saying YABU haven’t lived in rental properties. For the modifications OP mentioned the landlord is going to take a lot more than £100 out of the deposit, especially for holes in the wall. I’ve known people have money deducted from deposits for a piece of blu tac on the wall.

If he drilled the holes and put the storage up, I agree he should sort it, even if it was 5 years ago. Yes, I’m sure you are capable of doing it yourself but that isn’t the point. If you’ve got kids with him you’ll never be able to cut contact. And “most people” don’t hate their exes, some might if it was a particularly acrimonious split but others are friends with exes and keep in touch amicably. The new BF is a possessive weirdo. Dump.

MzHz · 22/04/2021 07:56

My first post might have come across overly harsh, but the ex is the ex for a reason, and perhaps he was pissed off that he was being asked to do something on what has been YOUR house for over 5 years without him.

But the new guy thinking he has the right to comment after little more than a dozen WEEKS, is a huge red flag.

He could have thought it, but having the cheek to comment on how you do things in your life so soon into your relationship isn’t on.

Splicedbananas · 22/04/2021 07:58

Sorry but I think the DP sounds awful. Who needs to be called names? If he thought you should do it yourself, he could have said that without calling you needy.

MzHz · 22/04/2021 07:58

I’ve known people have money deducted from deposits for a piece of blu tac on the wall.

Former inventory clerk here - this is true. Not that I ever had to flag this up, if I saw it it would have been as the walls need repainting when the Blu-tac leaves greasy marks

MzHz · 22/04/2021 07:59

@Splicedbananas

Sorry but I think the DP sounds awful. Who needs to be called names? If he thought you should do it yourself, he could have said that without calling you needy.
Don’t see anywhere where bloke OFFERED to do it for her either
Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 07:59

@ProfessorInkling

New boyfriend is rude.

Is the deposit going to be returned to you and your ex? That makes a difference, I think.

Only if you think calling someone out on their behaviour is rude. Personally I agree with the new guy.
Original poster
Noodle765 · 22/04/2021 08:05

Hello, just to clarify. I don't have feelings for the ex & never ask him for help, even if it's to do with DC. The point is I wanted him to sort out his share of "damage" to the property, as he should have done when he moved out 4 years ago. The collection of storage units itself is costing £60 with me having to dismantle first (was built with drill). Apart from holes & painting, there is a wooden slat in DCs bedroom, & shelves for his computer stuff. I'm not handy! Someone suggested asking him to pay for me to get it sorted, which I think is the best solution. I wasn't asking new BF for help indirectly, he lives 3hrs away.

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 22/04/2021 08:08

The boyfriend is a dick and your request to ex was perfectly reasonable.
I hope you're dumping him!

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