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Original poster

Excited for first date but is this typical?

105 replies

cremeegg56 · 20/04/2021 18:39

Hi! I have a first date tomorrow, going for food and drinks with a guy I met on hinge which is really exciting. We spoke quite a lot a few months and did a few video calls early on, but communication tailed off because we were in lockdown.
He reached out recently and we both agreed we wanted to wait until lockdown was over to speak and we both weren’t looking for a penpal!

He suggested meeting and instantly put forward a date and time which was great. We planned it, he ended the convo then we didn’t text for 8 days. I was wondering if the date would still go ahead but he texted first today asking if I was still free tomorrow :)

We finalised plans then he said “see you tomorrow” and ended the convo. All fine of course, and excited for tomorrow, but I’m supposed I’m used to chatting to people who text a lot in between meeting? Is this a typical communication style? I’m okay with it, as I do prefer chatting in person but yeah it’s just not what I’m used to I suppose!

Does anyone have any similar experience and it’s worked out for the best? :)

OP posts:
LaBellina · 04/05/2021 09:17

Sorry just saw your update. Agree with pp that it’s a bit odd!

If you have doubts if he lives with someone, do an unexpected FaceTime call in the evening and see what happens.

Fireflygal · 04/05/2021 09:24

This isn't normal for a man who is interested. Is he definitely single?

HollowTalk · 04/05/2021 10:43

Please don't start to secondguess yourself based on his weird actions. You'll drive yourself crazy.

Happypigc · 04/05/2021 18:34

I would be bothered by this tbh. It takes thirty seconds to fire out the occasional text, I understand not wanting to chat daily but how can you build a relationship on such low contact? It's not like he's seeing you every week either.

I've had similar OP, I tend to assume they aren't very interested tbh.

Opentooffers · 04/05/2021 19:18

I would of lost interest by now tbh. Who can't spend less time than a minute at least once a day?
Are you putting a question in your texts that requires an answer, because if he takes 3 days to answer a question, that's just plain rude.
Oh and I'd stop saying you're cool with it, because you really shouldn't be. There's a difference between being cool and allowing someone to take the piss as he's doing.

sunnyzweibrucken · 04/05/2021 20:31

This is too much angst for the beginning of a relationship. I think he’s using you as a “time waster”, it’s common. I’d not reach out to him again except to confirm the upcoming date.

Mytym · 04/05/2021 20:45

All him for a chat?

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/05/2021 21:15

So you have met this guy once and he has put you on the back burner?

It’s very typical behavior from what I hear in online dating, they chase a lot before meeting up, good connection, great date, then goes a bit cold but they don’t ghost you. You are kind of there in his dating roster.

You are still in the running, but his focus is elsewhere.

Original poster
cremeegg56 · 05/05/2021 22:23

Lol yeah I sent that on Friday and still no reply 🥲 I think I’ll go on the date, presuming it’s still going ahead, and just see what happens but not looking great

As far as I know he’s single and lives with mates, he’s shown me pics of them together/of their flat, but of course always a possibility this may not be the case!

OP posts:
seensome · 05/05/2021 22:31

I wouldn't go unless some sort of confirmation first, 10 days without contact and just turn up is too risky, I get not getting over invested before you meet but a few messages just to let you know he's thinking of you and looking forward to it wouldn't go a miss. Him ignoring you is rude so why would you go anyway.

Original poster
cremeegg56 · 05/05/2021 22:43

Yeah 100% you’re right @seensome ! We went 7 days without chatting before our first date though, and the day before, he reached out to confirm he was still on and said he was looking forward to it.
If he does the same I will go - if not, there’s no chance 😅

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 05/05/2021 23:15

I like his style. He's kept to his side of things. He's come back to you with a date. Go and enjoy it.

wanadu2022 · 06/05/2021 22:28

I'd ignore his communication style before the first date, as you hadn't even met yet so you were strangers really. He owed you nothing.

However, the lack of contact after first date is off putting. If he is keen on you he'd want to ensure he stays at the front of your mind after all. He should be assuming you have other dates too and out of sight, out of mind. He doesn't need to text everyday but going days without replying, shows a lack of interest in your life. Back burner it seems like.

Carry on dating others and don't expect too much of him. Go on the second date and if he STILL isn't in contact regularly after that, bin him off. If he cba to ask you about your day/week, he doesn't deserve your previous time.

I had one like this. Absolute head f** in the end. Super keen on the actual date but only arranged them very infrequently and communication tapered off in between. Blamed work but honestly no one is that busy. I binned him off after 2 months of this nonsense. I recently broke up with someone after a year, and went back on the apps and he's still on there. Probably still too busy!

Sakurami · 06/05/2021 22:37

This wouldn't work for me because I can't fancy someone unless I get to know them. So I always chat and message quite a bit before agreeing to meet them.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/05/2021 06:06

OP are you still on the dating site? If you are, keep looking, and chatting to others. Don't put all your eggs in this guy's basket.

I've done OLD on and off over about 4 years. It sounds to me like he's dating others. You should be too!

WaterBottle123 · 07/05/2021 06:56

There's having a different comms style and there's outright ignoring a message. I think he's rude.

sampamsnan · 07/05/2021 06:59

Before the first date I think it's good not to over communicate but after the date/before the 2nd date he should be!

IronNeonClasp · 07/05/2021 07:21

He's definitely in the driving seat. No one does this. PP says it takes 30s to send a message. Sounds very controlling and more than meets the eye with this one OP...

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/05/2021 07:23

I suspect, in the nicest way, that he's not giving you anywhere near as much "head space" as you're giving him.

I wouldn't date someone who couldn't be bothered to contact me for 4/5 days. He clearly has the time (as he text you a lot previously) so I'd be wondering what his problem is, tbh.

I'm not one to expect constant contact and I'm not a big texter myself but I don't think a couple of texts a day is a big ask!

TheWaif · 07/05/2021 07:28

I wouldn't want this at all. I can't think that this is going to change. Imagine being in an actual relationship with this guy... And not hearing from him week to week? I ended it with someone over this once. I only spoke to him at weekends, ridiculous.

cupoftea2021 · 07/05/2021 07:50

Meet him in person
That way if your not compatible or like him at least you weren't to invested as they say.
Find something to replace the need or talk to friends instead.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/05/2021 08:02

@cupoftea2021

Meet him in person That way if your not compatible or like him at least you weren't to invested as they say. Find something to replace the need or talk to friends instead.
They've met already. They've had a first date, he arranged the second last week and hasn't spoken to her since!
DM1209 · 07/05/2021 08:17

OP, I was this guy, except I'm female. In the beginning, I'd be all about the communication, it's new, exciting and different - loved it.

Then as it progressed, actual dates, a steadier structure in my interaction with that person, my interest disappeared. The other person then became a 'oh yeah, I need to respond' sort of part of my list. I'm also very, very confident which would often leave the other person wanting to appear the same, I note you say 'I'm cool with this' a lot but you're clearly not.

My other issue was, in my head I'd be giving signals that I'm actually not interested (days and days without communication) but I didn't want to be the bad guy (or mature enough!) to tell the other person I didn't like them. I would want the other person to take the hint and stop pursuing me, that way they were the bad guy. But they often wouldn't. Mostly because I would say the right things at the right time, , again I was at fault.

The whole situation would often end up messy until the other person got fed up, even more confused and walked away.

However, when it mattered to me, when the other person mattered to me, the effort was there on my part, no matter what and I made the time and made them feel wanted and special.

(I'd like to add I was very immature and have grown a lot in the last 20 odd years).

He is rude to you, lack of manners isnt a communication issue, it's just RUDE.
He can give you a basic response or an explanation about his lack of communication but he's just leaving you hanging.
You have already said your communication styles do not align. That's not a great start.

I wouldn't take this any further because really, if he was completely into you, he'd be contacting you. You're worth that, especially at this early stage.
Also, if he is only using word such as 'lovely' 'nice' 'great' etc to describe you and his time with you, yeah - get rid.

Would you be ok with a friend or loved one being treated like this? If the answer is no, then you know what to do.

Original poster
cremeegg56 · 07/05/2021 09:53

Yeah I’m still on the dating site/have another date lined up next weekend so definitely not putting all my eggs in one basket!
When he contacts he seems excited/initiates the date and booked everything, but you’re right, almost radio silence other than that is strange. It was his bday the other day and I said happy birthday, he enthusiastically replied and said can’t wait for our date next week - but nothing after that even though I asked how his evening was 😂

I think I’ll go on this date and see what happens but I’m definitely cautious and if I’m honest, my level of bothered-ness is very quickly declining 😂

Thank you everyone for your insights! Flowers

OP posts:
donnasgonna · 07/05/2021 12:12

I wonder if he's had bad experiences where women have just wanted to write endless texts then not turn up for dates so he's keeping you at arms length a bit until he can see you're really going to be an option for him?

It's a very clumsy way of going about things but it's a possibility I think.