Boyfriend living with me five days a week - not contributing financially

[user2348]

Hello,
So my boyfriend lives at mine most of the time, and at his one or two nights a week. We split food costs. This has been going on all lockdowns so for best part of a year now.
He hasn't been contributing towards bills - well, once every few months gets a food shop himself - but that's it. I think I need to talk to him to say he could take me out for dinner, or offer a bit more towards costs (he also knows my income has massively fallen over the past few months). I know he thinks he does his bit cause he helps out/cooks, etc. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He also knows I don't have a mortgage, but my bills have gone up over lockdown...
It's awkward as he earns a lot more now, and will have been paying minimal utility bills on his place, although he does have a big mortgage.
I should add that we have a great relationship - and he's a good man!
Thanks. Just advice on tackling these subjects would be good. At some stage he'll move in properly, but I want to make that really fair too.

Is he still paying bills on his own place in which case it's kind of awkward because even if you aren't home there's costs from the standing charges. Food obviously should be split and a token is always nice but not knowing his circumstances I can't judge who is right

He's been taking the piss long enough. It shouldn't be an awkward conversation, it's been a long time coming. Get it all sorted before he moves in completely. His not offering before now would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Is there a reason why you don’t go to his place?

He's a good man who doesn't pay his way? Not good enough

Why did he move in?

He should split food and utilities with you if he can afford ie at least pay the increase in these costs as a result of him being there.

Myself and my partner are in a similar situation, but I have moved in with him pending sale of my own property. Currently I still pay for the standing charges of my own property and contribute nothing to current bills at his place. However I buy all of the food and household items as my contribution to the house

He's still paying bills at his - but it's a small flat, and mine is a house. It's hard to know the increase in the bills due to him being at mine anyway as I'd have been here all along even if he wasn't here. I don't go to his because mine is much bigger and we can both work here/there's much more space and I have an indoor cat. He hasn't moved in properly - his stuff still at his mainly, but he's here most of the time.

Oh and I do go to his sometimes - for the odd night! But my place works much better for both of us, generally, and he likes being here.

Why do you feel awkward mentioning it?

He’s not that good a man if he’s happy to rack up bills at your house and make no contribution while paying minimal bills at his own place. He’s paying the mortgage but that’s an asset which he is accumulating. It’s worrying if you don’t feel able to raise this with him. Doesn’t say a lot about your relationship. Are there any plans to officially move in?

Is he splitting food with you or not? It's not clear as you seem to suggest both in your OP. If he is, then I'd say additional contribution would only be necessary on a relatively low level, increasing according to how skint you are and how much extra costs him being there brings eg does he like 3 showers a day and the heating on max all the time? he should contribute more. If he's pretty low maintenance then a token amount. But he absolutely should be contributing to food, paying at least half.

And I think personally that someone who spends so much time at yours absolutely could compensate with the odd meal out or whatever just to acknowledge it but that's probably more case by case.

Just the money topic - and he does all the food shopping (which we split cost of) and does help around the house, etc. Plus he has a big mortgage and is trying to save more money. But then rationally he's now on double my salary, and I think he should probably offer a bit more or at least a gesture.

Plus he has a big mortgage and is trying to save more money.
Yip, and he's managing that by sponging off you. Don't be a mug.

You split food costs, you mentioned. What bills do you feel have gone up because of him being there? Is it the principle of sharing that's important to you, or is he actually costing you money? If the latter, can you work out what's a realistic proportion for him to contribute?

Or is it his attitude that's annoying you?

Thank you @Triffid1 that's very helpful. He is paying half towards food. I thin it's just wanting to lay the groundwork for him moving in properly, so I feel it's financially fair. But for now how it is and what you say makes total sense. Thanks

Thanks @Notagain20 Yes, I had to spend a lot extra on gas and electricity and water last month - I guess that's partly just lockdown though too! It's the principle of offering/gesture that's really important rather than the money to me I think. I wasn't sure if he should be offering or not.

Just say that you have realised how much time he’s living at yours and if that continues then you both need to sit and discuss the costs incurred and how to split them fairly. His reaction to this may give you an idea of whether he’s open to contributing more and hadn’t realised or if he’s taking you for a mug, or something in between these.

Just to put a different side - he is paying all his bills on his house and splitting food costs. What is he actually costing you, apart from a teeny bit of added utilities?

Surely the relevant increase would be covered by a bottle of wine a week or something?

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say that if he's not officially living with you, he's a guest. I would expect guests to contribute to food (which you say he is) and if long-term guests I would be appreciative of them paying any costs which they add onto my expenses. So if you are using more heating, or heating more water, etc, he should offer to cover that. But I don't think he should contribute to costs which you would have had to pay anyway, because he is still payign for another property.

Once you get to the moving in stage, I would definitely discuss how you will do finances in advance. But that is a different situation as your house will become your shared house at that stage. He should then be contributing an equal amount (if you are unmarried and childless). Things get trickier with mortgages (if you have one) if you're unmarried, but that aside he should be contributing equally to electricity, broadband etc once you both live there full-time.

A guest doesn't stay 5 nights a week for over a year.

The increase would really be his use of hot water and his use of electricity if he’s using his laptop / charging his phone, extra loads of laundry if he’s washing his clothes at your house because you’d still be heating the house and having lights on. These would be fairly minimal. What would clearly be quantifiable would be any increase in council tax if you’re no longer claiming single occupancy.

You may und even if he wasn’t there your utilities would be higher because you were home rather than out in the day at work.

Should he move in, then by all means he should be paying half the utilities and pay some rent. Or more of the utilities if you’d rather not call it rent (if you can’t for some reason collect rent as he was a lodger).

If you’re uncomfortable outright asking for actual contribution to utilities, why not start the conversation that your utilities have really increased during lock down and it’s starting to hit your finances so perhaps you both could stay at his place half the week. He may then occur to him to offer to pay some of the utilities as you say, your place is larger therefore more comfortable for two. As he is still paying his own utilities and council tax plus mortgage, he may have thought the contribution to food and help out around the house was enough or just didn’t occur to him

If you are spending a lot extra as per your last post, then he should contribute, especially if you're skint.

This is all extremely helpful - thanks all! Hearing the different views in itself is good. And @PersonaNonGarter you're right, I'd love him to just give me wine as a token. Ha! I think it's just the gesture and laying the foundations for future financial side.

The only solution I can see if for you to go to his equally as often.

Because it makes no sense for him to pay for: his mortgage+his bills+half your bills and for you to pay only half your bills