Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Boyfriend living with me five days a week - not contributing financially

97 replies

user2348 · 19/04/2021 15:43

Hello,
So my boyfriend lives at mine most of the time, and at his one or two nights a week. We split food costs. This has been going on all lockdowns so for best part of a year now.
He hasn't been contributing towards bills - well, once every few months gets a food shop himself - but that's it. I think I need to talk to him to say he could take me out for dinner, or offer a bit more towards costs (he also knows my income has massively fallen over the past few months). I know he thinks he does his bit cause he helps out/cooks, etc. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He also knows I don't have a mortgage, but my bills have gone up over lockdown...
It's awkward as he earns a lot more now, and will have been paying minimal utility bills on his place, although he does have a big mortgage.
I should add that we have a great relationship - and he's a good man!
Thanks. Just advice on tackling these subjects would be good. At some stage he'll move in properly, but I want to make that really fair too.

OP posts:

Notagain20 · 19/04/2021 16:11

Unless he's increasing your costs by living there I'm not sure why he should be offering to pay towards your bills, tbh. But something clearly feels off to you, and it's important to trust your instinct.

What's really important to me is that you are able to talk honestly and openly about money with someone before you move in with them or truly start sharing assets. Protect your existing assets, don't assume a partner will be fair if things go wrong etc.

Notagain20 · 19/04/2021 16:13

You could suggest that he contributes half of what he's saving by not having his heating, electricity etc on at his house.

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2021 16:14

As you don't have a mortgage, I don't think he's doing anything wrong really. I think you could mention your utilities have gone up and could he chip in for that? His reaction will give you an idea of how he will be down the road.

Nekoness · 19/04/2021 16:17

Then again, why can’t he work at his flat and come to yours after work?

Graphista · 19/04/2021 16:18

Well he's not a good man is he cos he's taking advantage of you!

How much have your food/grocery and utility costs risen in this time? Presumably you have online banking so do a search and write it down in black and white - pretty sure you'll get a shock!

My dd moved out about 2 years ago and despite the mn cliched claim that the costs are negligible:

My grocery costs have reduced by approx 1/3

My utility costs have HALVED

Are you in receipt of any benefits? Do you claim council tax single occupant discount? Because if so the fact he's staying there 5 nights a week likely would be seen as you committing fraud - not only huge fines but potential custodial sentence in the case of the council tax at least.

Stop being so passive, sit down and work out the actual costs and if you are claiming benefits etc then he either needs to move in and contribute properly or spend most of the week at his.

It's hard to know the increase in the bills due to him being at mine anyway as I'd have been here all along even if he wasn't here

It's not hard to know - go now and look at what your bills/usage were before this started and what they are now - you could even contact your supplier/s for this information

Yip, and he's managing that by sponging off you. Don't be a mug

Exactly! He's feathering his nest with your income

You need to be more financially savvy and assertive. If you aren't able to discuss this then I would say you're not really ready for a committee relationship

Raisinclub · 19/04/2021 16:18

I don’t think the utility cost increase from one person to two is that much really. I didn’t notice a significant increase when my partner moved in. And I’m unsure how you would isolate that from the increase of being home all the time?

Where do you see yourselves long term? If you flip this you could say you are saving a lot due to not having a mortgage to pay. If you don’t want to go to his house I think you need to suck it up.

Allwokedup · 19/04/2021 16:20

I think if he covers half food than that’s fine. Anything more is a bit grabby. I think maybe as you’re worried about money you’re fixating on this.

Love51 · 19/04/2021 16:20

People who "hate talking about money" end up without any. I'm not sure how you get over that, but I think you'll struggle if you don't.

FFSFFSFFS · 19/04/2021 16:20

Bet you do all the cleaning - am I correct?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2021 16:21

I was also wondering about the implications re council tax particularly as he is staying at yours for five nights every week.

Why have you not been able to talk to him about his lack of financial contribution?. Are you afraid of his reaction here?.

saraclara · 19/04/2021 16:22

What is he actually costing you, apart from a teeny bit of added utilities?

Yep. The bulk of my utilities cost is heating. That doesn't change because an extra person is staying. Water might go up of you're on a meter. But pretty much everything else is the same surely? Heating, lighting, cooking fuel bills aren't affected by an extra person in the room/eating the meal.

He might earn much more, but he has a big mortgage on a small flat, while you live mortgage free in a house. Is your disposable income that different?

Notagain20 · 19/04/2021 16:24

@Love51

People who "hate talking about money" end up without any. I'm not sure how you get over that, but I think you'll struggle if you don't.

Wise words!

Original poster

user2348 · 19/04/2021 16:25

@saraclara Yes, he earns double. But actually, i think what @Allwokedup said is true, I've been worried about money because my income has dramatically fallen during covid. So, I probably have suddenly fixated on this, and need to think rationally.

This is all very helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

user2348 · 19/04/2021 16:27

@AttilaTheMeerkat not spoken about it because he's paying half food costs and I wasn't sure if fair. I wanted to think about it first and put myself in his shoes.

OP posts:

Original poster

user2348 · 19/04/2021 16:29

@Raisinclub I think you're probably right. Good to hear all the different views - quite different ones on this. That's why it's hard to know. I prefer staying at mine.

OP posts:

saraclara · 19/04/2021 16:30

My dd moved out about 2 years ago and despite the mn cliched claim that the costs are negligible:

My utility costs have HALVED

I'm sorry, but I doubt believe that your utility costs halved. When both my DDs left home within months of each other, that definitely wasnt the case for me. Why would it be? A big chunk of utilities is the standing charge, which doesn't change with how many people live in the house. And as I said earlier, the number of people in the house doesn't affect heating either. The only thing that I'd have saved money on is cooker fuel (as the daughter who worked shifts cooked separately from me) laptop and phone charging electricity (but a lot of that charging was done at their workplaces) and the water bill.

Original poster

user2348 · 19/04/2021 16:30

@Graphista Good points - and on the council tax I need to look into that.

OP posts:

saraclara · 19/04/2021 16:33

[quote user2348]**@saraclara* Yes, he earns double. But actually, i think what @Allwokedup* said is true, I've been worried about money because my income has dramatically fallen during covid. So, I probably have suddenly fixated on this, and need to think rationally.

This is all very helpful.[/quote]
So after he's paid his mortgage he still has more than double?

If that's the case, and more importantly, if he knows you're worried about money, I'd expect him to show a bit more appreciation than he does, yes.

Northernsoullover · 19/04/2021 16:37

If my son moved out you bet my utilities would half! I have a large washing machine so could get away with one wash. The PS4 and TV is on all the time he's in and awake.

mewkins · 19/04/2021 16:39

Do you feel you're spending more on food and drink with him there? If it's just you, do you shop pretty frugally and eat simply and then when he's there you spend quite a lot more? It is all very well if you are halving a food bill but not if he's got expensive tastes! It's probably a good idea to try to work out what is costing you more money and then talk to him about it.

saraclara · 19/04/2021 16:43

@Northernsoullover

If my son moved out you bet my utilities would half! I have a large washing machine so could get away with one wash. The PS4 and TV is on all the time he's in and awake.

TVs and ps2s use very little electricity. Your washer, yes. But still, especially factoring in the fixed standard charges, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed when he moves out. I was expecting to see a benefit when TWO offspring moved out. In reality it barely registered (apart from my council tax going down by third when I became lone occupant)

user1471538283 · 19/04/2021 16:44

He needs to contribute to utilities regardless if the bill is only slightly larger. Guests dont stay most of the week every week. It amazes me that anyone would think that by almost moving it they can just buy food! No wonder he can save!

Lou98 · 19/04/2021 16:44

Going against the grain here but personally I think YABU. You don't officially live together, you've said he comes to yours more than you go to his because you both prefer being at yours, not just him. You've said you're splitting the food costs and that he's helping around the house. I wouldn't expect more than this from someone who doesn't live with me to be honest. You're inviting him to stay with you.

Before me and my DP moved in together he stayed at mine practically every night because we both preferred my house to his, however, as he didn't live with me he still had his own bills to pay. He earned more than double my salary at the time but I still wouldn't have expected him to contribute to my bills when he had his own. The cost of going from one person to two really doesn't add that much of a difference from what you would be paying anyway, it's only utilities that it makes a difference to. Even if he had offered, I wouldn't have accepted. Once he moved in officially we split bills fairly, so just because he wasn't contributing before doesn't mean it was what it would be like when we lived together. (Although that's a separate discussion to have before moving in)

I think your options here are keep as you are, either stay at his more often (although it doesn't sound like you want to) or move in together and split bills fairly. Have a think about it but I think it's unreasonable asking someone to pay all of their own bills and part of yours when you're then only paying some of yours

Justmuddlingalong · 19/04/2021 16:45

Just out of interest, how are chores divvied up?

Lena007 · 19/04/2021 16:47

I wouldn't expect more than half of food cost. Utilities wouldn't increase that much unless he turns up a heating to roasting hot and has daily extra long showers. Are you planning to move in together? How this has been before lockdown?

Flip

1 2 3 4