Boyfriend living with me five days a week - not contributing financially

[user2348]

Hello,
So my boyfriend lives at mine most of the time, and at his one or two nights a week. We split food costs. This has been going on all lockdowns so for best part of a year now.
He hasn't been contributing towards bills - well, once every few months gets a food shop himself - but that's it. I think I need to talk to him to say he could take me out for dinner, or offer a bit more towards costs (he also knows my income has massively fallen over the past few months). I know he thinks he does his bit cause he helps out/cooks, etc. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He also knows I don't have a mortgage, but my bills have gone up over lockdown...
It's awkward as he earns a lot more now, and will have been paying minimal utility bills on his place, although he does have a big mortgage.
I should add that we have a great relationship - and he's a good man!
Thanks. Just advice on tackling these subjects would be good. At some stage he'll move in properly, but I want to make that really fair too.

It's not your responsibility that he has a mortgage or utility bills to pay. He should still be paying his pay at your place. If he won't, comes up with excuses or is simply a tight wad, then off he pops home!

If you keep on feeding him, washing his clothes, spending all your utilities on him etc, then just think how much money he's saving. Has he offered you any of that? Thought not else you'd not be on here.

@Justmuddlingalong Oh he defo helps! He cleans and hoovers. We share chores. I'd definitely have concerns if he didn't do any of that stuff.

@Justmuddlingalong And he does half the cooking too.

When he moves in with you, will he keep his house (and expensive mortgage) or sell it?

You say you have no mortgage, is that because you own the property outright or because you rent?

@Lena007 Before lockdown we were both working in offices so it was all very different. Yes, planning on moving in together - and at that stage he'll pay half utilities and a contribution towards maintenance I think. But he needs to rent his place first, etc, so not there yet.

I’m sure if he made some gesture you’d appreciate that.
You said he only has a small place but a big mortgage?
I’m curious about that. How much disposable income does he have.
Is he generous in other ways?
Now lock down is lifting see if he loosens his money bag. 😆

@Whydidimarryhim Yes, I will...he's amazing at birthdays/christmases, just not so much seen that on the times inbetween, but we've been in lockdown for quite some time...

@saraclara I don't appreciate being called a liar

I am disabled and on benefits o keep a very close eye on my budget and my utility bills did indeed drop by half when dd moved out.

I mainly use and heat one room and I don't leave lights on all over the place, I close doors to keep heat in and dd also used a lot of electricity for charging tech, and using electrical beauty items - hairdryer, straighteners etc plus due to her own disability she felt the cold and so as well as the central heating would have a space heater on almost permanently when home (couldn't have the central heating hotter as that would affect my health badly and it's easier to heat up our home than cool it) plus she would often have 2 showers or a shower and a bath per day as again this helped her condition.

I very much doubt ops boyfriend isn't using extra:

Water (inc heating that water for showers etc)
Electricity
Cleaning products and toiletries as well as food
Causing wear and tear to her furnishings and household items

It all costs long term and op could well sleepwalk into a cocklodger situation if she's not careful

Nobody likes having these sort of awkward conversations but they're part of life.

Yes to the separate cooking times too my dd also worked shifts

@Northernsoullover exactly! Dd would use the washer daily too

I'd be surprised too if op and boyfriend eat the same amount of food men need more calories and can be predisposed to wanting to eat more meat and other expensive items

I’d sit down with your previous and current bills and look at how much he’s really costing you ... not including the standing charge which is normally quite a bit as you are both still paying those .

If it’s significant and you are earning less and struggling then you need to discuss it but if it’s a few pounds then I’d save these conversations till you really are moving in together properly and are making a commitment to be a couple .

If you’re not yet at that stage then it isn’t really his responsibility that you’re earning less . If you’re struggling financially though I kind partner who’ll help you out is pretty important - do you talk about your financial issues ?

@Lou98 Thanks - that's very useful, and good to hear about your experience. Sounds like the path my boyfriend and I are going down. When your boyfriend moved in did he move into your house? And how did you sort the finances - did he pay a token 'rent'? I'm thinking half utilities and something towards maintenance is fair.

Just as an FYI before we married my ex and I didn't live together (no moral or religious reasons just wasn't practical for a number of reasons) but when he wasn't working he'd stay at mine at weekends. He was on more money than me with fewer outgoings (army, decent pay, only had to pay minimal accommodation and meals costs). I never had to say anything, he would always arrive on those weekends with a weeks worth of groceries (not just food) and usually some kind of treat that he knew I'd like but wouldn't buy for myself as I was on a tight budget eg a cake or a half decent bottle of wine or a glossy magazine. He'd also stick a fiver in my meter (he had a key) and give the place a tidy and hoover. He's a lot of things but he never took advantage in this way.

Later in our relationship I was the higher earner and while we mostly pooled and divided equally if I got a bonus through overtime or something I'd repay this favour and get him treats

That's what loving, aware, sensible partners do in my opinion.

Hmm he's your boyfriend and he's already paying the costs of his other place and presumably he is at yours do you can both be together. It just happens that you have a bigger place and you have a cat so that is a reason for you both being there rather than at his.

I think you could mention that he's contributing to your bills, and maybe he should offer, but maybe he's thinking he's paying for his own place on his own and if you get married / share finances that would become part yours.

I also think YABU to ask him to pay. It already sounds like he contributes a lot for someone who doesn't really live there. The obvious solution to any unfairness felt is to split your time half at his, half at yours, but you've said you don't want to.

You could make your housing situation more definite, as in, he moves in and you properly live together and split costs, or he definitely doesn't live with you and he goes home to work, shower, do laundry every day and only comes over in the evenings.

@user2348

He's still paying bills at his - but it's a small flat, and mine is a house. It's hard to know the increase in the bills due to him being at mine anyway as I'd have been here all along even if he wasn't here. I don't go to his because mine is much bigger and we can both work here/there's much more space and I have an indoor cat. He hasn't moved in properly - his stuff still at his mainly, but he's here most of the time.

How can I say this...

Erm, he’s taking the piss

You’re an absolute mug for letting him do this to you

The needs to split costs of food/utilities etc or move back out

Were you claiming single person allowance before? So he’s costing you that too?

It's irrelevant that he has his own place - food is a cost that is seperate to accommodation, he should pay his half of the costs for those 5 days a week. Simple.

Is he a bit tight OP? How long have you known him. Did he sometimes pay for a date or weekend away before lockdown?

I would leave things as they are as it sounds as though he's doing his bit. Before he moves in, have the conversation about household expenses so you don't become resentful after the event. I love the post upthread that said you need to allow for 'wear and tear to your furnishings' - ha, I needed a laugh!

@DianaT1969 Yes, sometimes. He's treated me to special dates and was going to take me to Gibralter...before lockdown. But he's cautious with money, for sure and doesn't splash out. That's no bad thing I guess in lots of ways - doesn't have debts.

Before he moves in with you, please get legal advice and draw up a cohabitation agreement . Any decent man would be happy to sign it.

But he's staying at yours because it's more convenient for you, not just him.

Can you quantify if your bills have gone up because he's there? It is it just working from home? You can claim a small allowance for this from the government.

It's unfortunate that your income has gone down, but I'm not sure charging him to stay at yours is the solution.

You may want to consider if moving together is a sensible thing to do, but only if you're ready. Then I would expect to have an in-depth conversation about finances.

Him paying for half the food is reasonable, my boyfriend was doing the same and I didn't expect anything else. We were at mine more because I didn't want to leave my cats!

I trust he's at least paying the increase in your council tax bill, now there are two adults living there?

He isn't a good man he's a cock lodging sponger. If he's paying his own bills and rent then he should be paying for half the food.
Tell him he can't stay if he doesn't contribute.
No real man sponges off a woman, it's disgusting.

You must be desperate to have a man around if you allow him to basically live with you rent and bill free...............

[quote user2348]@DianaT1969 Yes, sometimes. He's treated me to special dates and was going to take me to Gibralter...before lockdown. But he's cautious with money, for sure and doesn't splash out. That's no bad thing I guess in lots of ways - doesn't have debts.[/quote]
No love he doesn't have debts because he sponges off you. Wake up.

@Justmuddlingalong

He's been taking the piss long enough. It shouldn't be an awkward conversation, it's been a long time coming. Get it all sorted before he moves in completely. His not offering before now would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Harsh. If he actually moves in, he won’t have to pay mortgage and bills on his own place any more. I’m not sure he is exactly “taking the piss” it’s more that maintaining two places and only living in one of them is a very expensive way to live as a couple.

It’s time to make a joint decision on the way forward.