Boyfriend living with me five days a week - not contributing financially

[user2348]

Hello,
So my boyfriend lives at mine most of the time, and at his one or two nights a week. We split food costs. This has been going on all lockdowns so for best part of a year now.
He hasn't been contributing towards bills - well, once every few months gets a food shop himself - but that's it. I think I need to talk to him to say he could take me out for dinner, or offer a bit more towards costs (he also knows my income has massively fallen over the past few months). I know he thinks he does his bit cause he helps out/cooks, etc. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He also knows I don't have a mortgage, but my bills have gone up over lockdown...
It's awkward as he earns a lot more now, and will have been paying minimal utility bills on his place, although he does have a big mortgage.
I should add that we have a great relationship - and he's a good man!
Thanks. Just advice on tackling these subjects would be good. At some stage he'll move in properly, but I want to make that really fair too.

[quote user2348]@Lou98 Thanks - that's very useful, and good to hear about your experience. Sounds like the path my boyfriend and I are going down. When your boyfriend moved in did he move into your house? And how did you sort the finances - did he pay a token 'rent'? I'm thinking half utilities and something towards maintenance is fair.[/quote]

Yeah he moved in to my place. I rented at the time rather than owned so may be slightly different to your set up but we split everything when he moved in. He paid slightly more than me because he earned more. He covered gas/electric, the council tax and half the rent and I paid the other half of the rent and wifi/sky etc. We split all the food, one month he'd do the shop, the next I'd do it etc. It roughly worked out as about a 60/40 split with him paying the higher amount.

Since then we've bought a house together and our wages are fairly similar, with his only being slightly higher so we just split it all 50:50 now.

You'll find out what works for you once you move in together (although definitely discuss before hand) but honestly, until then I think it's fair for you to each pay your own bills

@PersonaNonGarter

Just to put a different side - he is paying all his bills on his house and splitting food costs. What is he actually costing you, apart from a teeny bit of added utilities?

Surely the relevant increase would be covered by a bottle of wine a week or something?

It's obvious that life is much cheaper for him (and nicer, given it's a house rather than a flat) and it's more expensive for the OP. That's just not fair, is it?

My DP comes and stays at mine 3/4 nights a week and we have no intention of moving in together. I have one child living at home.

He buys a take away (£50 ish a week) but I don't expect him to pay for anything else. I want him to come to mine and so he does all the travelling and paying for petrol.

I am the higher earner though.

I don't get how people can share a bed but not discuss finances

Wow, there are some really nasty comments on this thread.

People don't ever 'not realise' bills will go up if they're using utilities

People don't ever 'not realise' you're the one paying for them.

He's taking advantage of you firstly, and he should have brought this up pretty much right away. The fact he's let it carry on for this long tells you he's happy to sponge off you.

You've got yourself a grade a cocklodger there. He's selfish and thoughtless and I'd be kicking him to the kerb for that alone. But it's your life..

If he is still paying council tax and running costs / mortgage on his place and going 1/2 on food, I would say that’s probably about right, but maybe he could spend a bit more (treats, household items etc)

Utility’s bills won’t really double, water might, but electric and broadband won’t.
However if he moves in the go 50:50 I would say.

Christ, just tell him you can't afford for him to live there at the minute and send him home. He'll either go home or step up.

He's got it made really atm.

Oh FFS! Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate someone who isn’t paying his way.

Go onto your utilities suppliers website and find out what the average costs are for a one person and a two person household for your house type. Work out the percentage of the average that you actually pay, then extrapolate that figure to a two person household. Pro rata the extrapolated figure by the percentage of the days he stays over. Tell him what his contribution is (it isn’t a discussion) and tell him to set up a standing order for that amount (do not agree to non automated payment methods).

May I make a suggestion, he doesn’t move in until you become assertive enough to ask for what you need. Your Op is littered with half arsed, opaque language which has only served to enable him to not properly contribute. You aren’t the same because you would have offered to compensate him if the roles were reversed, therefore trying to make a ‘if I was in his shoes’ comparison, is like comparing apples to oranges.

Start as you mean to go on, you are responsible for your role in your relationship dynamic, so don’t choose to be a doormat.

Wow the responses I’ve had can only be said to be at extreme ends of the spectrum...some more helpful than others. The different stances are, erm, interesting.

@Love51

People who "hate talking about money" end up without any. I'm not sure how you get over that, but I think you'll struggle if you don't.

This.

You're an adult. You need to 'talk about money' in adult, mature relationships or really shouldn't be in one.

He's tight. Your relationship is his coming to yours with a few treats to keep you sweet.

He should be offering more than he is. And pulling his weight in life isn't 'helping'.

And no, the his moving into yours, you need to have a legal agreement regarding that. The benefit is all to him financially.

I think it would be interesting to think about how much these bills "that he's already paying" are actually costing at his house, when he's only there 2 days a week....

It's a bit like the workmate who volunteer's you giving them a lift, because, well you've got a car and you're going kind of that way and it'll save them spending money on the bus. You're not spending much more on petrol, but they never offer a penny. It's the presuming and selfishness that galls.

@user2348

You lost me when you said ''he's got a big mortgage and he's trying to save money''..............WTAF ??

So because he's trying to save money (on a much larger wage than you btw !), and because he's increasing his financial assets i.e his property, you should be left to 'suck up' paying larger bills ? (because living and working at your house simply means larger bills for YOU)

And you are feeling embarrassed about even asking him for a fair contribution towards your higher bills ??

Seriously, he's either the thickest guy on the planet (which I don't think is the case, because he sussed out how to keep his costs down while saving more ), or your head does 'zip up the back'.

Look up your electric/gas/internet etc and work out what has increased (and remember, he's probably stopped some of his bills like Sky/Internet etc at his place ), so needs to be paying half of yours if he has !) and by how much.

Tell him that as your bills have gone up by x amount because he's been living with you, it's only fair that he pays the increase, and that he pays 50% of bills he has managed to cancel at his house............(because why the fuck should he get to save over you getting shafted ????

I guess it's important to highlight few points here:

• his bills for his mortgage or whtever else is not your concern. Thats his own resposibility and you have nothing to do with his personal bills
• that fact that he earn more doesnt oblige him to pay more in relations if you generally go 50/50
• he didnt move in, so on one hand he doesnt have to share any costs, but as a guest bring food, drinks, etc. (not 50/50, but on his own)

BUT if he actually lives at yours, like spend the night and whole day, and thats 5 days a week for a long time, then you guys are living together (cogratulations on that!))) and he has to contribute into it properly. Its not really clear what he's paying for at the moment, maybe your utility bills are compensated by him buying groceries or anything else. Did you calculate how your bills increased since he started living at your place?

I bielive in relations financial issues has to be discussed and no one should feel uncomfortable with it. I suggest you do the math and discuss with him your concerns in a calm and friendly way.

So what if he says he doesn’t want to contribute half of the bills and instead stays at his house most of the time? How do you feel about that?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

He isn't a good man he's a cock lodging sponger. If he's paying his own bills and rent then he should be paying for half the food. Tell him he can't stay if he doesn't contribute. No real man sponges off a woman, it's disgusting.

He is paying for half the food. And sometimes he pays for all the shopping. At least read the OP's posts before slating him and telling her off.

@Justmuddlingalong

It's a bit like the workmate who volunteer's you giving them a lift, because, well you've got a car and you're going kind of that way and it'll save them spending money on the bus. You're not spending much more on petrol, but they never offer a penny. It's the presuming and selfishness that galls.

It’s not really like that though, it’s more like both you and your colleague have cars but OP wants her colleague to come in her car because she likes her company and they’re going the same way. The colleague pays half the petrol cost but nothing towards the OP’s insurance/car maintenance because they’ve got their own car.

Do you feel able to talk to him? How frank could you be? Could you say the water bill is £300 so does he want to pay you half or pay for the shopping entirely until it’s balanced out?

I wouldn’t worry about the council tax. As long as he has his own registered address I don’t think you need to change your single person account. This is how most young couples begin their relationship, staying at each other’s places. I doubt people declare both households as two person residences.

@saraclara Thank you :) He’s been called all sorts on this thread, as have I...! Some have offered some useful, balanced opinions though on my rough outline. Thanks for defending!

You’re not at the stage of moving in together, or combining finances, and staying at your house sounds more convenient for you than for him. If you stayed at his place half the time, presumably you would need to pay for a cat sitter? So you may even be saving money on your current arrangement.

Sounds like you’re potentially more wealthy than him (mortgage free house vs large mortgage on a flat), yet you want him to pay more as he has a greater income. If I were him I would be very wary.