Anyone else feel that they don't really fit in?

[mummyblueyes]

This might seem a bit trivial really but it's really getting to me!

Everywhere I go, people I meet, I never feel like I really fit in.

At the school when I pick up my DD's, everyone is friendly, polite etc when I talk to them but no-one seems to go out of their way to talk to me. DS1 is now 8 so I have known these people a long time. I occasionally ask them round (very occasionally) and they come and all is fine but I never really get invited back, I mean, they say I'll have to go round but then never actually ask me! If I ask them a favour they are always happy to help but I don't seem to fit in their little 'cliques' like everyone else and I think it's cos I lack confidence myself.

For example, I will walk down from the school not having seen anyone, get in the car and then see them all standing chatting together. How do I miss them all?

I was bullied at school and I now I never really have the confidence or even expect people to like me.

I do have a handful of good friends outside the school who bother with me a LOT, and we visit often. Say about 3-4 friends I see weekly/fortnightly outside of the school.

But whether it's the school,work and even family I never feel I fit in properly. I feel like people are just being pleasant and polite but don't actually want to get close to me. I feel sad for my DD's because they don't seem to have the friends round etc that they would if I was better friends with the parents, which would make it easier. So I feel guilty to them.

I never argue or fall out with anyone, I just feel that I know loads and loads of people for a polite chat with at the school but no-one to really have a good old gossip with!

Anyone else feel they don't fit in anywhere, or have any good advice??

Just wanted to say I feel similar lots of the time and it's definitely a confidence thing (I too got a wee bit of strife at school). I think everyone probably feels this way sometimes. Not sure what to suggest but I am sure it isn't BO or anything!

I felt like that for years and in the end i decided that i didn't care anymore - i had my true friends and that was enough. Guess what - stopped caring and now i seem to be chatting to everyone! I was also bullied at school and i think that i was probally going round with a sefl defence brick wall round me iyswim and reading far too much into things and not doing little things like saying hello 1st,smilimg at people etc.

I too had a wee bit of strife

I feel exactly the same way & suspect that the whole bully thing at school is to blame but feel resentful that that is still shaping my life! My close friends don't believe that I find it hard to approach people as to them I seem very confident, but have also been told that I can come across as standoffish (really i'm thinking of something to say...)

As for any advice 'fraid i don't have any other than you sound like you are doing beter than me! Good luck

My DH says I read far too much into everything.

He says I have to analyse every conversation and I actually think he's right.

*Mental note to self to stop!

My dh says exactly the same thing!

I think this is probably the most common human feeling that there is - the feeling that you are on the outside looking in - so take comfort that everyone but everyone feels that way at some point and let that give you confidence to put yourself forward and as someone else said, dont read too much into things, let life wash over you and go with the flow and you'll find that it becomes easier to feel comfortable in your own skin as it were. Occasionally, you'll get nagging doubts that everyone else's life/friends/opportunities/set-up is better than yours - it isnt - just different. Value yourself and give yourself credit.

We're all different but this emotion is pretty much the same for everyone and the only way to deal with it is to let be only PART of who you are, not what defines you.

I don't fit in. Am I a mum who happens to be 21? A 21 year old who is a mum? (see the difference?)

I used to be like this and my dh still is. I gave up caring and am now happy go lucky, talk to anyone about anything. My dh is still very shy but comes across as being rude and ignorant. He sits with his arms crossed across his chest and his relaxed facial position is set to scowl! Nobody who didn't know him would approach him, ever! and actually people who do know him can be known to avoid him! He's also deaf in one ear so if you are on his wrong side it looks like he is completely ignoring you! All in all a lost cause, but he just gets on with the people that he does know - has me and the kids and doesn;t bother with aquaintences......

Binkle - thanks for that, it really helps, some wise words there!

Meely - my DH is a bit like that. He is very shy but because he tries to cover that up, he sounds a bit abrupt sometimes! He does have friends but he doesn't worry about them not contacting him for a while etc. But then he has good mates at work who he sees every day so in the evening/weekend he likes to spend 'family' time.

I do talk to anyone about anything, I sometimes have to MAKE myself, but I don't feel I ever get really close to anyone and if ever I think I am getting close, something usually happens to make me feel cr*p. (ie, this girl I have known for years told me some really deep secrets recently and she stayed with me for a while, confided some shocking things in me and then when she had a baby, she asked a different friend to be godmother - that was hard to take. But I never said anything, I just smiled and got on with things. BUT, I am the one who looks after the child, still gets confided in etc..).

mummyblueeyes, you made me cry! this is exactly how i feel with everyone, except DH, DS and my sister. I had my DS when i was 18, then went to Uni when he was 6 months, graduated and started work when he was 3.5, always worked and never met mums enough to get to know them. And we moved a lot and now we have settled and we have been here for nearly 3 years yet I barely know anyone and I can't seem to get in with anyone, I keep seeing my neighbour and I have been round but she hasn't been round to me. I meet ppl and they say, 'oh you must do this...' but it never happens... i have to stop now as i am getting upset! So I really understand what you mean, especially about it affecting your DC
JBR xxxxxx

JBR - sorry to make you cry!

I think that when you are at home with a baby and feel lonely (I had my DD's before any of friends were even in relationships), I always thought I would make loads of friends when they were at school, with other parents, and so tried not to worry about it.

But it is such a struggle isn't it. And other mums seem to find it so easy. They always say we'll have to meet up for coffee, get together in holidays but then never do (unless I ring and specifically set a date!). But then later I hear that they met up with so and so and so and so in the holidays. And it makes me feel like cr*p!!

Sometimes I don't bother asking if they don't mention it because I couldn't take the knock back.

Hmmm I could have written the OP! Think it is definately a self-confidence thing, I find it hard to talk to people as I have no idea what to say! What do people talk about together? Most of the friendships I have just struck up without too much effort are with really talkative people who don't leave much room for others to do much othre than nod, which I guess is why they like talking to me

Sometimes I pretend I'm not shy and in certain situations I find it easy, like when I'm doing outdoorsy stuff which I love, but at the school gates, I find it really really hard. Oh well. Will be watching this thread for advice...

Seems most people on MN feel like this. Do you think most people in RL do? Or that people who feel like this are drawn to MN?

Either way, there's a bunch of people shuffling their feet and feeling uncomfortable who could be having a rip-roaring conversation if they could just get started.

It's quite a shame really.

(Also don't fit in, btw)

Definately a RL thing

Maybe most people do feel like this then. I know when I plucked up the courage to speak to one RL friend about it, she felt the same but the difference was that she genuinely 100% doesn't care, whereas I wish I didn't but I do.

A couple of my RL friends are happy just having 1 or 2 friends, and their family, don't want idle chit chat at the gates etc.

But when I think back to when I was little.. DM always had friends in the kitchen for coffee, loads of friends dropping by and I always had friends to play, constantly!

My DD's don't have this.....or have times changed?

I do think times have changed a bit too, people are a bit more insular these days in general I think and with all this technology you dont really even have to have actual physical interaction with others to a degree so perhaps we as humans are losing the knack! Perhaps we should switch off and try and be a bit more sociable in real life

Im exactly the same. It doesnt usually bother me at all. I know I dont fit & I accept it. Sometimes im tempted to go up & ask someone "what am I doing wrong?" but I never have yet. I dont have a particularly close family, & no real friends, just aquaintences. looks like dh & I may be about to split up now too.

Oh dear sparkle, I am sorry to hear about you and DH. I split up from my first H too....

Probably for the best anyway.

I feel much the same as this, too. I do have a few good friends, although some of them don't live close any more.But I always feel with the "school gates" thing, and other situations like that, that I get on fine on a superficial level, and am always polite, etc, but don't feel I have any actual "friends" out of them. I often feel in conversations that everything I say gets ignored because I don't fit in with everyone else.

I think it is because I lack confidence, as I know I'm polite and never deliberately unpleasant to people. It brought it home to me a bit last year, when it was my birthday. It was on a friday, but dh couldn't go out with me that evening, because he had already arranged to do something else (conneceted with the local orchestra he plays in). So I thought I would phone round a few friends and see if anyone wanted to join me in going out for a drink. But not one single person could come. Now if I had been a confident sort of person I might have just thought Oh bugger it, everyone's busy. But I ended up thinking No-one wants to go out with me , they've all got better things to do already. In fact I often find this when I try to arrange things with other people - they say "Oh, I'm just so busy" and have trouble fitting me in, whereas I'm trying desperately to arrange any kind of get-together.

Actually, having thought about it I find that I tend to get on better in a one-to-one conversation with someone else than in a group. Does anyone else find this?

I'm the same as everyone on this thread really...the Sad Fuckers Thread . I chat quite happily to certain people at the school gates (the more out-going ones probably) but can't seem to get beyond that. I have a few friends whom I see from time to time but that day-to-day thing I just can't get the hang of it. & to be honest I really like my own company a lot of the time (though whether I've learned to be like this because I'm shy or vice versa ie cause or effect, I don't know). I think we're all supposed to be such big-living, social animals these days that if you just like a quiet life it's thought weird.
And I do worry about not making enough effort on behalf of my DSs; I should arrange playdates but the thought of having to make conversation with someone I don't know very well for a couple of hours...aargh! I'm going to have to get over it though, for their sake.

I am fine in a group which I am heading IYSWIM - ie if I have people round to my house, but not overly comfortable with lots of people I dont know that well BUT - I have learnt to accept that this is who I am and IT. IS. FINE.

There are lots of people who are gregarious in large groups but cant do the more intimate one-on-one stuff - we've all got different strengths and it's all good.

yes, don't really strike up casual friendships easily. But then, I am introverted and emotionally self-sufficient, so don't miss it beyond the occasional, hey why wasn't I invited to the party on the street?

And I don't have time for idle chitchat, WOTH.

Agree with binkle.