Anyone else feel that they don't really fit in?

[mummyblueyes]

This might seem a bit trivial really but it's really getting to me!

Everywhere I go, people I meet, I never feel like I really fit in.

At the school when I pick up my DD's, everyone is friendly, polite etc when I talk to them but no-one seems to go out of their way to talk to me. DS1 is now 8 so I have known these people a long time. I occasionally ask them round (very occasionally) and they come and all is fine but I never really get invited back, I mean, they say I'll have to go round but then never actually ask me! If I ask them a favour they are always happy to help but I don't seem to fit in their little 'cliques' like everyone else and I think it's cos I lack confidence myself.

For example, I will walk down from the school not having seen anyone, get in the car and then see them all standing chatting together. How do I miss them all?

I was bullied at school and I now I never really have the confidence or even expect people to like me.

I do have a handful of good friends outside the school who bother with me a LOT, and we visit often. Say about 3-4 friends I see weekly/fortnightly outside of the school.

But whether it's the school,work and even family I never feel I fit in properly. I feel like people are just being pleasant and polite but don't actually want to get close to me. I feel sad for my DD's because they don't seem to have the friends round etc that they would if I was better friends with the parents, which would make it easier. So I feel guilty to them.

I never argue or fall out with anyone, I just feel that I know loads and loads of people for a polite chat with at the school but no-one to really have a good old gossip with!

Anyone else feel they don't fit in anywhere, or have any good advice??

So much to bits - YES! If I am talking one to one I can talk for England and feel really happy. If it's in a group I definitely fade into the background and feel like no-one is listening!

Glad I started this thread, lots of us feel the same!

i was just thinking of adding another angle

i probably now fall into the 'know lots of people' category, although I dont always feel that way, but still...

there are a couple of mums who are very quiet at school. I really like them and would love to spend more time with them, but I have sort of given up as they never talk to me first and sort of stand back so going to talk to them makes me look like a stalker!

so if that sounds like you, you have to make more effort as the other mums will just get the message you prefer not to chat to them/dont like them!

Thanks for that newgirl.

I make the effort and chat to everyone so I don't really fall into that category.

Hopefully it will help others

i also feel like i don't fit in. i have a small handful of good friends and lots and lots of acquaintances. i've learnt to accept it and i'm happy now - i really like my own company.

Starlightmckenzie what a fab idea(s) I am starting hate taking ds to nursery school for all the previous posted reasons but am aware that I may be giving off 'don't talk to me' vibes when I really don't mean to. Kinda of getting it used it but hate the fact that ds isn't mixing with anyone outside of nursery school

Doesn't everyone secretly feel like this though.
I 'know' lots of people and people assume I have lots of friends but, I don't, I have a few really close friends but, these are people I've known a long time and been through stuff with. So those friendships have grown with time, it's not a quick thing. And tbh, I like it that way, I'm quite happy with my own company and I tend to feel quite claustrophobic if I'm 'hemmed' in with crowds of people anyway.
I have to say though, that I don't think people are just being pleasant, it's a distinct possibility that they do want to get to know you. It's just that if your confidence is low, you wouldn't necessarily feel that they are being genuine iyswim.

Message withdrawn

I like your advice newgirl. You described me perfectly . I see other mums that I talked to when term started, chatting in twos and threes in the playground, and even though they where freidnly with me at the introduction I feel to scared to go over and say "hi" so I just position myself somewhere else and pretend I haven't seen them!!!!! Ridiculous I know, especially as some of them seem exactly the type of people I'd get on with! I think part of me feels I could never fit in as I emagine them to have perfect lives with wonderful adoring DHs, and they will look down at me coz I'm a single mum

So irational. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to another mum, and smile and make eye contact and pretend I'm confident!

In fact, I think I have just had an epiphany!

I have feelings of inferiority around other mothers.

I'm the same
I come home and always think people only talk to me cos they cannot avoid it...

infact I know it's true as I offered to help do some PFTA fundraising (see how hard Im trying) and the lady looked at me as if it was invite only...

Piffle maybe she was just taken aback that someone was actually offering to help?

It sounds horrible and contrived but to a degree you have to sell yourself - get out and circulate a bit.

Piffle, if I were you, I'd ask about the next fundraising meeting and turn up. YOu might decide its boring and not something you want to be involved with after all or you might love it and it will undoubtedly open up avenues towards socialising with others of the same mind.

Just go along, you're a parent and you have as much right to be there as anyone else.

But you will always get the odd one who thinks they are far superior to you, that's life (and their loss). Most people feel just the same way you do.

I'm glad you started the thread too mummyblueeyes, it's helped me to feel I'm not the only one.

Piffle, that's really bad about the PFTA - ours is will gladly grab anyone who offers to help (as so few do). I do help, and it's one are where
I do actually feel a bit valued .

I think some people feel that those of us who think we don't fit in should talk more, but actually I do talk quite a lot, am open and friendly, but feel that often others don't really want to know beyond a very superficial level.

yep - i don't feel i fit in with my family ,work collegues ,school gate mommies , i feel people do like me but don't really wan't to get to know me - i don't know if it's true or just paranoia - i think i have cultivated very strong f%^& off vibes over years of travelling on public transport!!!
sadly i'm not even all that bothered and will prob. become a hermit

it's really lovely to read all your posts, i am imagining we are all islands surrounded by ppl who may feel the same, but they have dived in the ocean!
I empasise with you ClaraEnglish - when I lived back home i had a strong circle of friends, most of whom i had known since school, and I could hold my own. since moving around a lot, even though i am now settled, i find it really hard. i don't know anyone so I don't know how to get to know anyone! I went to a club for a while but they all spent a lot of time together and I felt like I was neglecting my DH and DS (esp. as DH works shifts so I feel like I don't see him much anyway) so instead of just going for a bit I dropped out altogether! and now when I see them I feel a bit bad and sometimes smile but almost never speak to them - like you OverMyDeadBody - and I know that must look awful from their point of view but I can't talk to them without going bright red... I really am a daft idiot! As I always worked and never saw mums at school gates DS never really had play dates, and now he has friends around but I don't know the mums - I keep thinking I will phone one of them and ask them round for coffee or something... I shoould just do it instead of thinking about it! But then I think like you ClaraEnglish - they have their friends. One mum I spoke to a while ago was complaining this other mum kept talking to her and ringing her asking her to go for lunch and she was saying 'I don't know if I can make enough time for her.' So that stops me, as well as the other feelings.

Thanks for starting this thread MummyBlueEyes, I feel good just thinking and writing about this, like OverMyDeadBody I feel I am having an epiphany!
JBR xxxxx

Same here. But I no longer give a stuff. If anyone was actively unpleasant that would be one thing, but everyone is nice and friendly, it just rarely goes further. Many of the mums are SAHM which helps and a lot of them were born and bred in the town so have links from childhood - I can't say the same thing.

I have a few very good friends who value my company. Everything else is just a bonus.

Oh wow this thread does feel like a revelation! And thanks to all who provided advice.

I feel like this so much that I felt scared out of my mumsnet ante-natal club...

Am expecting my first at the moment, and unsure whether things will get better - will I have this magic circle of other mother friends? or worse - I'll lose so much of my work-generated life and socialising...

When I get down about being on the outside that I just have to feel lucky for the few very good relationships that I have, including DH.

I think my parents were very much in their own world too and I've grown up like that - although so much more painfully aware of being on the outside.

Sad Fuckers Thread I love it!

I think alot of people feel like this and it is quite difficult to get into a group of existing friends that already exist. I am generally nice to everyone and get on with people - I don't take any crap though and have dumped a friend for being a total bitch - so I am selective - better to have no friends than bad friends.

I have just become chair of my pta and am slowly getting to know people - big defences up at the start but people are actually starting to talk to me Hopefully I won;t be seen as an outsider for too much longer - I feel like I have a lot to prove though!

I don't fit in at toddler groups and with other mums around the area, really. I'd love to find someone to have a really good gossip and giggle with, like I do with my non-mummy old girlfriends.

We have done this before but do any of us live near eachother?