Anyone else feel that they don't really fit in?

[mummyblueyes]

This might seem a bit trivial really but it's really getting to me!

Everywhere I go, people I meet, I never feel like I really fit in.

At the school when I pick up my DD's, everyone is friendly, polite etc when I talk to them but no-one seems to go out of their way to talk to me. DS1 is now 8 so I have known these people a long time. I occasionally ask them round (very occasionally) and they come and all is fine but I never really get invited back, I mean, they say I'll have to go round but then never actually ask me! If I ask them a favour they are always happy to help but I don't seem to fit in their little 'cliques' like everyone else and I think it's cos I lack confidence myself.

For example, I will walk down from the school not having seen anyone, get in the car and then see them all standing chatting together. How do I miss them all?

I was bullied at school and I now I never really have the confidence or even expect people to like me.

I do have a handful of good friends outside the school who bother with me a LOT, and we visit often. Say about 3-4 friends I see weekly/fortnightly outside of the school.

But whether it's the school,work and even family I never feel I fit in properly. I feel like people are just being pleasant and polite but don't actually want to get close to me. I feel sad for my DD's because they don't seem to have the friends round etc that they would if I was better friends with the parents, which would make it easier. So I feel guilty to them.

I never argue or fall out with anyone, I just feel that I know loads and loads of people for a polite chat with at the school but no-one to really have a good old gossip with!

Anyone else feel they don't fit in anywhere, or have any good advice??

Interesting thread.

My daughter started school two months ago, and everyone is in the process of working out who to be friends with and how - children and mothers alike.

I chat to mothers at the school gate - the ones I feel an affinity with - and my daughter gave me the lead to take the plunge and ring up the mother of the little girl who she has made a "best friend" of in her class and invite her to a birthday celebration (big wheel and a cake in a tea shop) last weekend. Which we did. The mother and the little girl were very nice, so I again "took the plunge" and rang the mother this evening and invited the little girl round to play tomorrow morning since there is no school due to a strike.

I think you just sort of have to follow up any lead you can get, either with other mothers or the children your children befriend. Some will work, some won't. But if you never make a first move, don't count on anyone else doing it for you. You have to put yourself forward in life, and you have to take the attitude "You win some, you lose some" and not be worried if a move doesn't work out.

I'm in north London (Borough of Barnet). I'm friendly, too

Another thing - I wait for other mothers to finish off dropping off their children so we can walk back home together. Do it - try it - you quickly work out who wants to chat and who doesn't.

I'm the same and it really bothers me, but SO hard to change your default settings. I don't talk to anyone outside ds's nursery, simply don't know how, even though mums who barely speak English or who have just moved into the area yesterday manage it perfectly well. I've only got 2 friends in the town where I've lived for over 10 yrs and have few social skills. I'm also the type who assumes folk are laughing at me and/or they hate me as soon as they meet me lol. Sorry not a constructive post, just so you know you're not alone...!

Hi all, and hello LoveAngelGabriel (gorgeoud name!) - I got lost in Barnet earlier this year, looking for an education conference, and lots of ppl who I asked for directions were really friendly!
I'm near Basingstoke/Winchester in Hampshire, but grew up near Bradford/Halifax in Yorkshire.

Today I am going to go around my neighbours house and knock on her door. Go me!
JBR xxx

JBR did you do it?

When I picked DD up from a extra school club, it was getting dark and I noticed other mums were all huddled in a car. I pulled up infront of them but instead of staying in my car, I got out and walked up to the window. One immediately jumped out and told me to sit inside as she had a big coat on and I didn't. I said it was okay and then another mum moved a car seat so I could get in the back.

I was so pleased with myself!!!

Till I got home and felt like I'd interrupted their private conversation....

BTW, I normally fade into the background and feel like I don't fit in too

This thread inspired me to take the plunge, and yesterday for the first time ever I actually went over to another mum who'd spoken to me a bit in the begining and started talking to her about her baby. She was really friendly and I got an invite back to hers next week with DS!

It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. From now on I'm determined to make more effort, if the posts on this thread are anything to go by lots of people feel the same way so would welcome a chat!

Thanks It has done wonders to my confidence!

Ok I won't! I talked to her briefly this morning too and she was very friendly.

What I'm dreading is the question that always seems to come, which is "so what does your DP/DH do?" to which I have to explain that I'm a single mum and they look all embarrassed and I feel I have to justify it etc.

Having said that the last response I got to that was really positive, "Blimey that must be hard, I take my hat off to you, so you actually support yourself with your business?"

We'll see.....

OMDB don't let that one question get you down. Your friend may be married but she may have relatives who are single parents. I'm married, but my sister is a single mum, so I wouldn't think anything else of you. Even although my DH has a good job I HATE that question!

less not else!

I did it! (Thanks whatajoke!)
I waited until after acupuncture (as that's when my pregnancy sickness is at its weakest and i feel vaguely human) and I went round and we had a lovely natter. She is lovely, I am going to go around and invite her to mine for a cuppa, now she knows all about my sickness too so I won't feel bad if I sit there smelling lemons and sipping water!

Well done Overmydeadbody! I was a single mum for 2 years with my DS, and I know exactly what you mean about that question... but Starlight is right - he'll come along. And what you said about the admiration - that can be a brilliant thing "wow, you do all that i do and you do it on your own!"

Where's mummyblueeyes? She started this thread (that I love) but she hasn't been on since Monday...
[looks around anxiously]
"Are you there sweetie?"

thanks for the positive encouragement guys! really appreciate it!

Well done jackblackroady!

Yes, where is mummyblueyes? She's to thank for starting this thread that gave me the courage to change my behaviour.

This is a great thread. Im amazed at how many people there are out there just like me.
The internet is a wonderful thing.

Hi - I am here!

Congrats JBR and over my dead body!

I too made some progress....

I saw a group of mum's chatting (who I really like) and went over. I went over and I remembered one mum has bad headaches. So I asked her how they had been and asked her to let me know what she takes for them as I've been having them too. Later on she came over to me with some tablets to try! She seemed genuinely concerned

Then, my DD2 was ill so I was stuck about taking DD1 to school. I saw a neighbour walking past with her LO and shouted her and she was happy to help. She even called from her mobile on way home to say she had gone in fine

How well am I doing? Still feel uneasy about it all but I'm trying!

Well done you!
I suppose we may always have a bit of the 'not fitting in' feeling but have to keep pushing ourselves. I just got back from Mothercare with my MIL (salivating over the Bugaboo) and felt really sick, and my neighbour came out and we just stood for 10 minutes chatting about our DS's - it was lovely! Feel like I know her much better, and feel happier about speaking to her much more now i got a bit of 'oh just go do it!' from this thread!

PS Pleased you hadn't disappeared too!

mummyblueyes, i thinks as the others have siad there are an awful lot of us in a similar situation. in my case, we moved house and school 6 months ago and know nobody. As with you everyone is polite and friendly, but i stand on my own and don't have the confidence to attactch myself to a group, i suppose for fear of being..... I don't know what.!

What would people say if we all just approached a group and joinned in the conversation..... i'm sure it would be fine, but something holds us back.

Maybe we should have a "join in day" when we all pluck up the courage to talk to someone in the playground .... we might all be pleasantly surprised

Message withdrawn

Clara - did you go to a post natal group? I made some friends there that I still see 8 years on (except they are now scary playground mums, LOL). We were good mates for the first year or so til everyone went back to work.

I went to baby groups and talked to loads of people although never really made any 'come round for coffee' mates. Other people did though, I think I just wasn't confident enough to ask

I used to take mine baby swimming, baby gym, playgroups, etc but I never had the courage to ask anyone round.

DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!