Can people of the opposite sex be friends?

[mightbealittlebitmad]

A few months ago a male colleague (married with a child) and I started walking together weekly because we were in lockdown with nothing else to do. If I had the kids they would tag along too and so would his, I even took my mum at one point because we were already walking and he wanted to meet up.

All very above board but my husband isn't happy about the friendship because doesn't think men and women can be friends and he outright asked me if I was having a thing with him.

I feel like if I mention I'm going for a walk with him he is suspicious so I've stopped saying anything until afterwards but then that makes it look worse. I'm not exactly sneaking around when I'm taking the kids with me, they are old enough to mention who I was walking with and what happened so it's hardly like I'm getting it on behind a bush or something.

It doesn't help that my husband is extra paranoid at the moment. I've posted before about my feelings towards our marriage, he is looking for reasons why I wanted to leave and thinking it's because I want to sleep around/am sleeping around and I'm dressing up because I'm going out on the pull.

The friend and I are both back at work and tonight I was going to walk to work and get a lift back with him but now I'm already thinking I can't because it's just going to cause drama.

I've done nothing to suggest I'm doing something I shouldn't be, I don't delete my messages, hide my phone. I have turned off his ability to track my location after he rung me on a few occasions to ask why I was in X place or rung me to say my location sharing wasn't working. I felt like he was tracking my every move and it wasn't necessary so now it's only turned on if I go in a long journey.

It's just so much drama over a friendship! I'm feeling anxious because I don't know how to behave knowing my husband thinks we are having a thing. He says walking is very intimate but there has been nothing else to do! Should I just stop the walks to make life easier or stand my ground and prove men and women can just be friends without any ulterior motive.

They have recently met just the once and I left them alone talking hoping it might help but I think it's made it worse, he thinks I'm pretending to only be friends with him so that I can do more.

It sounds like there's a lot more wrong with your relationship than just this friendship issue.

Of course they can. Two of my closest friends, who I’ve been close friends with for around 15 years, are male. My partner has close female friends. Neither of those things are problems.

This is definitely an issue with your husband!

I mean a walks a walk 🤷🏼‍♀️ Not quite sure what’s intimate about a walk.
But sounds like he has trust issues to be honest

Yes it is possible. I have a very good male friend who i work with and several other "social" friends.
DH has some female friends that he occasionally meets for coffee (pre covid).
There is absolutely nothing "romantic" or sexual in any of the relationships, but it doesn't stop people gossiping and making assumptions/judgements. It really pisses me off

Yes they can, but often it will be the man who has feelings for the woman, and it becomes an emotional affair, or an affair.

In your case, I think your DH won't trust you whatever you do.

Your friend is married, OP, be careful. Would you want your DH to be going for walks ith a female friend.

The fuck is wrong with your husband? You've even introduced them so he can see it's all above board.

He sounds like a right controlling twat. Have you stopped seeing other people in your life because he has found problems with them?

@KirstenBlest

Yes they can, but often it will be the man who has feelings for the woman, and it becomes an emotional affair, or an affair.

In your case, I think your DH won't trust you whatever you do.

Your friend is married, OP, be careful. Would you want your DH to be going for walks ith a female friend.

I would be a massive hypocrite if I said I had a problem with it. My husband did have a few female friends a few years back, they lived together so he would go to their house for a party or something. I was invited but either couldn't go or just didn't fancy it so I didn't. He thinks it's different because he was never alone 1:1 but on all the occasions I've met my male friend we've been alone once, it's just that the other people happen to be children not other adults.

Of course they can. I think a lot of women in your husband's position would have the same reservations though.
Especially if having opposite sex friends is a new thing for you, you're suddenly spending a lot of time with them and you were recently considering ending the relationship.

You mention feelings about your marriage that you've posted about before and I feel this could be relevant- what's the backstory?

@Wanderlusto

The fuck is wrong with your husband? You've even introduced them so he can see it's all above board.

He sounds like a right controlling twat. Have you stopped seeing other people in your life because he has found problems with them?

He hasn't told me to stop seeing him, he just isn't happy. He isn't a big fan of one of my female friends either but he's never stopped me seeing her.

He did have an issue with one of my male friends, I actually stopped seeing him because I knew he wasn't in it just for the friendship. The others he's been fine with, one because we were friends from before we met and the other he thinks is secretly gay.

I have long standing male friends, generally have more in common with them than women. They are just friends. They are married too.

your husband sounds a bit 1950s, OP, and so do others on here. And he's doing a good job of driving you away.

He’s being ridiculous
Most of my closest friends are men.
My best friend is happily married with two children. His wife has no issue with me (in fact pre covid I used to have their children while my friend and his wife went on weekend breaks!).
My DPs best friend is a woman, I like her, she’s a nice, interesting, intelligent, articulate person, she’s a great person to be friends with.

@GoToSleepBabyPlease

You mention feelings about your marriage that you've posted about before and I feel this could be relevant- what's the backstory?

Long story, when lockdown was lifted I felt in a huge turmoil about my marriage. For years we've lived very separate lives, I have worked shifts since the beginning, we don't really eat together or watch TV together so when we were locked down and I wasn't at work I realised that we were basically like housemates.

When things got back to semi normality I found myself avoiding him. If I went out with my friends I would make a big effort to look nice which raised some eyebrows. He picked up on it and after a couple of months it all came spilling out. A few months backwards and forwards then he moved out for a bit at the beginning of the year. I've been all over the place with my feelings about it all plus lockdown so I haven't helped the situation.

He's moved back in now and we have agreed to start doing more stuff together and making more of an effort with each other instead of just treating each other like housemates who share kids.

Yes I didn't mean physically stopping you seeing them. I meant making it so uncomfortable that you chose to stop seeing them for a quiet life.

The people he doesnt like, are they people who are particularly supportive of you?

I'd like to play devil's advocate and suggest that walking can actually be an intimate thing to do - in the sense that you can really get to know someone whilst walking and talking, especially on long walks and at regular intervals.
I much prefer walking and talking to having a chat over a coffee. The act of walking seems to free up topics of conversation and you can really get to know the person.
Perhaps that's what he's worried about? That you'll end up preferring this other man's personality?
Out of interest, what does his wife say about it?

@Phoenix121

I'd like to play devil's advocate and suggest that walking can actually be an intimate thing to do - in the sense that you can really get to know someone whilst walking and talking, especially on long walks and at regular intervals. I much prefer walking and talking to having a chat over a coffee. The act of walking seems to free up topics of conversation and you can really get to know the person. Perhaps that's what he's worried about? That you'll end up preferring this other man's personality? Out of interest, what does his wife say about it?

What else is there to do during lockdown though in order to get some social interaction? The only thing we were allowed to do was go for a walk so that's what we did, just as I went for walks with my female friends and our kids.

I went for a childfree walk with my female friend at the weekend and yesterday went for a walk with another and our kids.

Sometimes I go for a walk by myself, sometimes just me and the kids.

I would much rather be sitting in a pub with my friends but it wasn't allowed.

@Wanderlusto

Yes I didn't mean physically stopping you seeing them. I meant making it so uncomfortable that you chose to stop seeing them for a quiet life.

The people he doesnt like, are they people who are particularly supportive of you?

No he doesn't like them because he has good reason to, nothing to do with me but them as a person. I totally get why but I've been friends with her for years and she's alright in small doses so we catch up over lunch every now and again. I just don't ask him to socialise with her so it's all good.

Assuming you have time to be together and the walk isn't taking away from that, I'd say keep going and be open about it.

I'm hoping to meet up with a male friend in the Summer. We'll spend the whole day together, get drunk, have dinner. DH will watch our kids. It's fine and perfectly normal

Yeah.

Not criticising you. You don't have to justify your choices to me.

@Phoenix121

Yeah.

Not criticising you. You don't have to justify your choices to me.

I suppose that's the thing, walking wasn't a choice at the time. In order to get social interaction with someone the only thing we could do was walk.

It sounds like there are much bigger issues at play in your relationship OP!

I have lots of make friends, DH has some female friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes we all meet up together, sometimes it’s just me and a male or DH and a female 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess I’ve never really thought about whether it’s normal or not as we’re all just friends 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️ DH also works away from home for weeks at a time and it’s never been an issue me seeing any friends while he’s away, regardless of their sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

The only way I think your DH has any rights to be annoyed is if he’s moved back home and is making more of an effort to spend time together and you’re choosing to spend time with someone else at times when he wanted you to do something together.

Im a guy.

Its very rare for a man and woman to just be friends. In 99% of cases the guy usually fancies the woman. (Even if she doesnt). Your husband knows this, which is why he is upset

In my case, ive only ever had 1 female friend that I didnt fancy, and thats be because I thought of her as an older sister.

@KM38

It sounds like there are much bigger issues at play in your relationship OP!

I have lots of make friends, DH has some female friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes we all meet up together, sometimes it’s just me and a male or DH and a female 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess I’ve never really thought about whether it’s normal or not as we’re all just friends 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️ DH also works away from home for weeks at a time and it’s never been an issue me seeing any friends while he’s away, regardless of their sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

The only way I think your DH has any rights to be annoyed is if he’s moved back home and is making more of an effort to spend time together and you’re choosing to spend time with someone else at times when he wanted you to do something together.

We only walk during the week which is when my husband works so he's not taking up any family time.

I actually met his wife today briefly when I went round to his to meet him. We said hi, I introduced my child then we left. As far as I'm aware she doesn't have any issues with it, she was perfectly pleasant to me anyway.

I agree that it's an issue with your DH. Not about what sex your friends are.

My H tends towards annoying about things like this (I refuse to entertain it in the slightest). He's weird about male friends, male colleagues, even friends who happen to be lesbians. He'll make 'jokey' comments but I shut him down every time.

It's just not ok. And it is all about him not me.

I'm female and I second what Yesisbui says. It's not the MN mindset but I base it on what my male friends have told me.