Can people of the opposite sex be friends?

[mightbealittlebitmad]

A few months ago a male colleague (married with a child) and I started walking together weekly because we were in lockdown with nothing else to do. If I had the kids they would tag along too and so would his, I even took my mum at one point because we were already walking and he wanted to meet up.

All very above board but my husband isn't happy about the friendship because doesn't think men and women can be friends and he outright asked me if I was having a thing with him.

I feel like if I mention I'm going for a walk with him he is suspicious so I've stopped saying anything until afterwards but then that makes it look worse. I'm not exactly sneaking around when I'm taking the kids with me, they are old enough to mention who I was walking with and what happened so it's hardly like I'm getting it on behind a bush or something.

It doesn't help that my husband is extra paranoid at the moment. I've posted before about my feelings towards our marriage, he is looking for reasons why I wanted to leave and thinking it's because I want to sleep around/am sleeping around and I'm dressing up because I'm going out on the pull.

The friend and I are both back at work and tonight I was going to walk to work and get a lift back with him but now I'm already thinking I can't because it's just going to cause drama.

I've done nothing to suggest I'm doing something I shouldn't be, I don't delete my messages, hide my phone. I have turned off his ability to track my location after he rung me on a few occasions to ask why I was in X place or rung me to say my location sharing wasn't working. I felt like he was tracking my every move and it wasn't necessary so now it's only turned on if I go in a long journey.

It's just so much drama over a friendship! I'm feeling anxious because I don't know how to behave knowing my husband thinks we are having a thing. He says walking is very intimate but there has been nothing else to do! Should I just stop the walks to make life easier or stand my ground and prove men and women can just be friends without any ulterior motive.

They have recently met just the once and I left them alone talking hoping it might help but I think it's made it worse, he thinks I'm pretending to only be friends with him so that I can do more.

@TheFlis12345

These threads always sadden me, when some people genuinely don’t believe men and women can be just friends. My best friend is a guy. In 25 years we’ve never had so much as a drunken snog, even as teens when we were both single. We’re now both married and get on great as a 4 but equally, his wife has no problem at all with us hanging out just the 2 of us or telling each other we love each other, and my DH thinks it’s sweet when BF and I walk arm in arm.

My DH also has a close female friend he grew up with. They often go to the pub together, sometimes I join, sometimes I can’t be bothered so leave them to it and it never occurs to me to be concerned. That’s what an honest, trusting relationship should be like.

@TheFlis12345 It comes from realising that the way men think of women, is not exactly the same as how women think of men. I think men do think of women in a more sexualised manner.

Just because something makes you sad, just because it's an inconvenience, a restraint on your social life, or a complexity, doesn't make it not true. That is so often the position of so many women and it used to be mine. I'm not saying that I will never be friends with a man again, but having had certain experiences, I certainly won't invest in an opposite-sex friendship in the same way I used to.

@Yesisbui

Im a guy.

Its very rare for a man and woman to just be friends. In 99% of cases the guy usually fancies the woman. (Even if she doesnt). Your husband knows this, which is why he is upset

In my case, ive only ever had 1 female friend that I didnt fancy, and thats be because I thought of her as an older sister.

Same for me (I’m a woman).

I have one male friend I would say is an actual close friend. But I used to live with him (he was engaged to my sister and later lodged with me and my husband) and I see him like a brother. He’s my husband’s best friend. Even with him though, I would find it really uncomfortable going for a walk. My husband wouldn’t like it either. It’s hard to explain; I’d happily sit and have a drink/cup of tea with him or whatever but I think there IS something intimate about meeting up for a walk.

I love walking and walk a lot, but to purposely meet with a male friend to go for a walk is loosely crossing some boundaries. I think you should consider what your DH is saying. If he’s not happy, you should back off a bit.

@mightbealittlebitmad

I can kind of get that, I think I'm just seeing it from my side in that walking is the only thing we can do and I pretty much always have a child with me so nothing would be able to happen.

It’s no longer the only thing you can do. Time to make some changes? You could meet up at a park, which for some reason feels less intimate.

@TheFlis12345, until one of them becomes single and the dynamic changes, and the DW/DP finds that she is married to a cheat.

Absolutely yes , as long as both realise it's about friendship only and not one party hoping for a chance of more.

😂😂 don't think DH would approve. One I've known since we were 16/17 and now nearly 40. It would be like propositioning my cousin 🙄 and the other has had enough boozy days out just the two of us all day and hugs goodbye I'd he wanted to do something 😂

Thanks @KM38 I feel better now 😂

[quote KirstenBlest]@TheFlis12345, until one of them becomes single and the dynamic changes, and the DW/DP finds that she is married to a cheat.[/quote]
@KirstenBlest My BF and I have both been single loads of times over the years, sometimes as the same time, sometimes at different times. He had been with his wife ten years when I met DH, and I had been largely single throughout. It made no difference as we have never and would look at each other in that way. Just because someone is the opposite sex, doesn’t mean you have to be remotely attracted to them.

My best friend is male and DP was a bit funny about it at first but really, that's his issue to deal with not mine.
I get on so incredibly well with BF who is similar in character to my brother who I was very close to.
It'd be like some sort of tragic victorian drama type scenario if DP tried to stop us being friends!
Real good friends don't come along very often so I say get on with it

This is it, yes men might look at women more sexually, but that doesn't mean they see everyone as "someone of fuck" or "not worth talking to" and nothing in between. My male friend has other good female friends. I'd say a couple of those l, if they'd been single and interested he Def would. But that doesn't mean he's enough of a dick to make a move. And they'd be friends even if they were less attractive.

The idea that men are so predatory that they only invest time in friendship if they think they'll get sex from it is quite sad

Mumsnet is strange sometimes. You'll get people bending over backwards to say it's fine, but I bet the majority in real life would be more than a bit miffed if this were their husband out on walks with a new female friend. Fair enough if you've know them for years and they're like family, that's different. But I've got no interest in making friends with and spending time with men that I've just met.

Unfortunately I would have said the same as most on here till 2016 that female friends- no problem- unfortunately I found out that my H 10 years before I found them sat writing longing songs and poems about his 21 year old ‘friend’ who also worked with us — because I found them by accident.
so these days I am sadly not quite so cool about it, that’s the price he pays for me staying. I think women are perfectly capable, I think men can be —but most don’t bother unless it’s a connection for business reasons or it’s someone they are attracted to

No one is expecting you to make friends with and spending time with people you've just met @cookiecreampie, what's off imo is that you'll happily make new female friends and spend time with them, but someone equally nice but with a penis is unworthy of your time? What of the new female was lesbian or bi? Would she be discounted too incase she just wanted sex too?

As a bisexual I'm glad my wife allows me to have friends 🤨

In my opinion men and women can't just be friends unless there is a long history (ie childhood friends).

In my experience either the man or the woman is hoping the friendship becomes more than a friendship and wouldn't continue said friendship if they knew 100% something more was out of the question.

Is it about male friends or is it more about the fact that he knows you are unsure about the marriage and have now developed a close friendship with a colleague ... maybe he’s worried about losing you and reading too much into things? Of course I don’t think your husband should dictate who you are friends with but if my DH was choosing the go on walks with a female colleague than me I’d be upset

@coronaway

In my opinion men and women can't just be friends unless there is a long history (ie childhood friends).

In my experience either the man or the woman is hoping the friendship becomes more than a friendship and wouldn't continue said friendship if they knew 100% something more was out of the question.

I can categorically state I have two friendships with men where that Def isn't the case 🤣🤣

@SleepingStandingUp if you were both single and asked them if they fancied having sex would they both say no?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is no such think as mixed sex friendships but it's rare.

Men and women can be friends, but I think this is only true when the friendships have started when a lot younger (school/uni). Because otherwise, it's broaching an emotional intimacy that is hard to distinguish from a romantic relationship.

There will be a lot of people who say this isn't a big deal, and you should be able to be friends with whomever you want. However, relationships are expected to last 40-50 years - expecting someone to share their life with you, their finances, their hopes and dreams, wipe your arse when you're too sick to do so. I think listening to their worries about an opposite sex friendship, that is developing an emotional bond, is the least you can do. It is VERY NAIVE to think that spending lots of time with someone, a lot of emotional sharing, and having a friendship that excludes your partner - could not lead to it crossing boundaries for at least one person. You may have the right to befriend whomever you want, but similarly your partner has the right to leave any relationship that makes them feel uncomfortable. All I would say is, it is a lot easier to find friends than it is to find someone who will commit to be there in sickness and health. Some partners will be ok with it, others will not - you need to decide whether your friendship is worth compromising the sanctity of your relationship for.

Maintaining principles is well and good, but relationships are complex and don't follow rules. They are based on mutual respect and compromise - so rather than be so black and white on the issue, work with your partner to find a compromise you are both happy with.

I don't believe in friendship between bi/hetero men and women because all the men that befrieded me wanted more and a few guys i fancied more. I also saw friendships like that around me that ended up with an awkward sexual moment or someone feeling hurt and misled.

There is no shortage of women, lonely women who would love your friendship. Why choose a man?!

And it is weird to go on walks with a married man. He can and should walk with his poor spouse.

Of course men and women can be friends.

Your DH sounds quite controlling given his overall attitude to this friend, and one of your female friends, making it clear when he isn't happy about who you're seeing, and raising his eyebrows at you getting dressed nicely to go out. The fact you feel you have to hide platonic walks because of his reaction speaks volumes.

Do you find him attractive ?
Does he find you attractive ?

Clearly you husband feels threatened by this friendship, of course it's your right to have a friendship with whoever you choose, he has said though it makes him uncomfortable.
It depends if you care about his feelings.

Do you work with many people, what is it about this guy that stood out for you to be friends.
I think asking yourself why you became friends may hold the answer.

@MariLwyd

Of course they can. Two of my closest friends, who I’ve been close friends with for around 15 years, are male. My partner has close female friends. Neither of those things are problems.

This is definitely an issue with your husband!

Same here. I agree, your DH is the problem, not a friendship.

[quote coronaway]@SleepingStandingUp if you were both single and asked them if they fancied having sex would they both say no?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is no such think as mixed sex friendships but it's rare.[/quote]
Honestly yes. Maybe the secret to having male friends is to be overweight? Thats the thinking, there's no physical attraction there on either side

There is no shortage of women, lonely women who would love your friendship. Why choose a man?! I pick my friends based on shared interests and values, not genitals. Theyre not some lesser being scraped off your shoe that you shouldn't lower yourself to talk to

Yeah men and women can be friends.
I do think it’s important to be respectful of your partner too, but I recently broke up with a guy who was having an emotional affair so I’m probably not the most objective.

I think a good measure of whether you’ve crossed a boundary is if you’re doing and saying things regularly that you wouldn’t do or say if your partner were there.

Your friendship does sound normal, I think your other half just feels insecure.