Can people of the opposite sex be friends?

[mightbealittlebitmad]

A few months ago a male colleague (married with a child) and I started walking together weekly because we were in lockdown with nothing else to do. If I had the kids they would tag along too and so would his, I even took my mum at one point because we were already walking and he wanted to meet up.

All very above board but my husband isn't happy about the friendship because doesn't think men and women can be friends and he outright asked me if I was having a thing with him.

I feel like if I mention I'm going for a walk with him he is suspicious so I've stopped saying anything until afterwards but then that makes it look worse. I'm not exactly sneaking around when I'm taking the kids with me, they are old enough to mention who I was walking with and what happened so it's hardly like I'm getting it on behind a bush or something.

It doesn't help that my husband is extra paranoid at the moment. I've posted before about my feelings towards our marriage, he is looking for reasons why I wanted to leave and thinking it's because I want to sleep around/am sleeping around and I'm dressing up because I'm going out on the pull.

The friend and I are both back at work and tonight I was going to walk to work and get a lift back with him but now I'm already thinking I can't because it's just going to cause drama.

I've done nothing to suggest I'm doing something I shouldn't be, I don't delete my messages, hide my phone. I have turned off his ability to track my location after he rung me on a few occasions to ask why I was in X place or rung me to say my location sharing wasn't working. I felt like he was tracking my every move and it wasn't necessary so now it's only turned on if I go in a long journey.

It's just so much drama over a friendship! I'm feeling anxious because I don't know how to behave knowing my husband thinks we are having a thing. He says walking is very intimate but there has been nothing else to do! Should I just stop the walks to make life easier or stand my ground and prove men and women can just be friends without any ulterior motive.

They have recently met just the once and I left them alone talking hoping it might help but I think it's made it worse, he thinks I'm pretending to only be friends with him so that I can do more.

I struggle to understand why married people assume you can not be friends of the opposite sex.
I value those friendships more because they are straight up and honest
So I often wonder on mn when a women suggests your having a emotional or sexual relationship because the person is a male.
When is it controlling your husband does but approve when is he acting out because of his insecurities.
We all need support and friendships.
Genuine friendships are good for the soul

You said He's moved back in now and we have agreed to start doing more stuff together and making more of an effort with each other instead of just treating each other like housemates who share kids

This isn't really doing that , is it ?

I can definitely say nothing is going on and it won't. He's lovely and we get on so well but it's no different to my female friends. They are the ones I spill everything to not him because it's not that kind of friendship and that's what's great about him. It's very casual and social, anybody can tag along on our walks, my mum did and we all had a great time.

You can have shared interests with women who by virtue of their genitals you already have a lot in common with naturally, like how society men treats you.
I find those who push for friendships with men hate women for some reason.

Yes they can. The only friends from school I have maintained contact with over the last 16 years are male. My husband knows them all. We chat online occasionally and meet up probably about once a year. There is nothing there...we are must friends. I guess it depends how close you are?

Yesisbui
Im a guy

Its very rare for a man and woman to just be friends. In 99% of cases the guy usually fancies the woman. (Even if she doesnt). Your husband knows this, which is why he is upset

In my case, ive only ever had 1 female friend that I didnt fancy, and thats be because I thought of her as an older sister

Agree but that doesn't exactly fit in with MN majority mindset

I've only got one male friend tbh, an old uni housemate. We only see each other once a month or so and apart from one or two coffees it usually involves our spouses too.
I dont thimk I'd love it if my DH was going for regular walks with a woman from work. I know I should be okay with it but I prob wouldn't be

Honestly yes. Maybe the secret to having male friends is to be overweight? Thats the thinking, there's no physical attraction there on either side

Some men find that attractive. It's unfair to yourself and overweight women everywhere to suggest that overweight equals unattractive.

When things got back to semi normality I found myself avoiding him. If I went out with my friends I would make a big effort to look nice which raised some eyebrows. He picked up on it and after a couple of months it all came spilling out. A few months backwards and forwards then he moved out for a bit at the beginning of the year. I've been all over the place with my feelings about it all plus lockdown so I haven't helped the situation.

So you don't make an effort at home (fair enough, neither do I) but made a big effort when seeing friends, including this man, and you've been a bit ambivalent about the relationship anyway? He moved out- whose idea was this?

To be honest, I can see why he's worried given the instability of the relationship. I think if you value your relationship you're going to need to put this friendship with a bloke on the back burner for now, until he feels more confident and the relationship more sturdy.

@SleepingStandingUp

There is no shortage of women, lonely women who would love your friendship. Why choose a man?! I pick my friends based on shared interests and values, not genitals. Theyre not some lesser being scraped off your shoe that you shouldn't lower yourself to talk to

But if they are overweight then that's fine. Your comments are so nasty. You might not fancy a fatty but it doesn't mean that no one else could. I know for sure i wouldn't fancy you, TYVM.

I think perhaps women are better at being neutrally able to have male friends. I think a greater proportion of men become friends with women because they have more of an agenda. If my partner went out regulary walking with a man I probably wouldn't be comfortable with it knowing how men tend to think. That said I wouldn't say anything, I'm not her master its her choice I guess.

@Bumberlee

You can have shared interests with women who by virtue of their genitals you already have a lot in common with naturally, like how society men treats you. I find those who push for friendships with men hate women for some reason.

But who do you think is PUSHING for friendship with men? There's no suggestion here 5hat people don't also have female friends, but 5hat they also happen to meet people they get on with who have a penis. And I don't want to spend every meeting of friends discussing how were oppressed by men 5hanks

@GoToSleepBabyPlease

Honestly yes. Maybe the secret to having male friends is to be overweight? Thats the thinking, there's no physical attraction there on either side

Some men find that attractive. It's unfair to yourself and overweight women everywhere to suggest that overweight equals unattractive.

Hopefully my husband

@JezebelLipsnHips

SleepingStandingUp
I pick my friends based on shared interests and values, not genitals. Theyre not some lesser being scraped off your shoe that you shouldn't lower yourself to talk to

But if they are overweight then that's fine. Your comments are so nasty. You might not fancy a fatty but it doesn't mean that no one else could. I know for sure i wouldn't fancy you, TYVM.

Well the fat comment was a self depreciating comment as I have several make friends who def do not fancy me which according to some is impossible. Knowing their taste in women is say it's reasonable that those particular friends would be more attracted to me if I were slim. But then if they were attracted to me physically perhaps we wouldn't have the friendships we have. So the point remains, men are idiots who want to have sex with anything of the right sex. There will be lots of women they have no sexual interest in and whom they can be friends with without any sexual tension. You'd no doubt assume it's my personality but they clearly like that as they choose to spend time with me

I have more male friends than female. We have more in common, especially tv, films, books etc. We have no sexual interest in each other (mind you, I'm technically old enough to be their mum). I've always had more male friends since primary school though.

We have no sexual interest in each other (mind you, I'm technically old enough to be their mum)

There is always this caveat though. I think it's difficult for most men to be platonic friends with women they find physically attractive.
Oftentimes this just means a woman who is "well-groomed", similar in age/younger than them and not overweight.
Add in a personality that they actively enjoy being around and what do you get?
OP's friend may be one of the men who isn't like this but I don't blame her husband for assuming that he is.

True, but I've always had more male friends than female even when I was much younger. It was still platonic.

@DeeCeeCherry

Yesisbui Im a guy

Its very rare for a man and woman to just be friends. In 99% of cases the guy usually fancies the woman. (Even if she doesnt). Your husband knows this, which is why he is upset

In my case, ive only ever had 1 female friend that I didnt fancy, and thats be because I thought of her as an older sister

Agree but that doesn't exactly fit in with MN majority mindset

I'm pretty certain neither of my two male friends has ever fancied me. I didn't have a relationship until the age of 42, if nobody before that had found me attractive enough to date, why would my friends be any different?

Quite simply No.

Yes they can, DH and I have plenty of mates of opposite sex.

I think there are some people who aren't capable of it, though - for whom sexual overtones will always creep in. This is not a problem as long as they don't project it onto other people and believe that just because they can't have friendships like this (or an ex partner of theirs couldn't), that means no one can.

@AustinAggro

Quite simply No.

So you couldn't trust yourself to be friends with a member of the opposite sex without wanting to have a relationship with them?

@chillijamjam

It sounds like there's a lot more wrong with your relationship than just this friendship issue.

My thoughts too.