Can people of the opposite sex be friends?

[mightbealittlebitmad]

A few months ago a male colleague (married with a child) and I started walking together weekly because we were in lockdown with nothing else to do. If I had the kids they would tag along too and so would his, I even took my mum at one point because we were already walking and he wanted to meet up.

All very above board but my husband isn't happy about the friendship because doesn't think men and women can be friends and he outright asked me if I was having a thing with him.

I feel like if I mention I'm going for a walk with him he is suspicious so I've stopped saying anything until afterwards but then that makes it look worse. I'm not exactly sneaking around when I'm taking the kids with me, they are old enough to mention who I was walking with and what happened so it's hardly like I'm getting it on behind a bush or something.

It doesn't help that my husband is extra paranoid at the moment. I've posted before about my feelings towards our marriage, he is looking for reasons why I wanted to leave and thinking it's because I want to sleep around/am sleeping around and I'm dressing up because I'm going out on the pull.

The friend and I are both back at work and tonight I was going to walk to work and get a lift back with him but now I'm already thinking I can't because it's just going to cause drama.

I've done nothing to suggest I'm doing something I shouldn't be, I don't delete my messages, hide my phone. I have turned off his ability to track my location after he rung me on a few occasions to ask why I was in X place or rung me to say my location sharing wasn't working. I felt like he was tracking my every move and it wasn't necessary so now it's only turned on if I go in a long journey.

It's just so much drama over a friendship! I'm feeling anxious because I don't know how to behave knowing my husband thinks we are having a thing. He says walking is very intimate but there has been nothing else to do! Should I just stop the walks to make life easier or stand my ground and prove men and women can just be friends without any ulterior motive.

They have recently met just the once and I left them alone talking hoping it might help but I think it's made it worse, he thinks I'm pretending to only be friends with him so that I can do more.

Women and men can be friends but I do think that you have to be a bit more cautious than with female friends

I probably wouldn't go on a one on one walk with a newer male friend, that sounds an awful lot like the start of an affair tbh. I have lots of male friends but we are just careful with boundaries, just out of respect for each others partners

I have been bitten on the arse with a similar situation where I became what I thought was platonically close to a male colleague. His GF who I like very much started to become off with me, and then he made his move. And tbh as a teen with lots of male friends eventually they'd get drunk and try to get with me. I just try and avoid one on one more intimate occasions with male colleagues now unless we've known each other for a very long time

@Phoenix121

I'd like to play devil's advocate and suggest that walking can actually be an intimate thing to do - in the sense that you can really get to know someone whilst walking and talking, especially on long walks and at regular intervals. I much prefer walking and talking to having a chat over a coffee. The act of walking seems to free up topics of conversation and you can really get to know the person. Perhaps that's what he's worried about? That you'll end up preferring this other man's personality? Out of interest, what does his wife say about it?

Going for walks together can be a coupley thing to do You can really get to know each other and end up getting fairly close. Even if it's not your intention to do so.

I used to go for regular walks in the countryside with a male friend.
There were times I'd trip up and he would help me up. (hand holding) Or there'd be a steep bit. He'd help me up. (once again involved hand holding)
I was cold once and had a thin hoodie on. He lent me his jacket.
We would share food. Once we only had an apple. We shared bites of one apple. (In hindight an intimate ate thing to do)
We got caught in a sudden downpour a few times and would huddle up close under a tree until it passed.
All the ingredients and circumstances were there for a relationship to start.
It did.
We're now married.

It's an uncool MN thing to say but I dont blame your DH for being wary.

I can kind of get that, I think I'm just seeing it from my side in that walking is the only thing we can do and I pretty much always have a child with me so nothing would be able to happen.

@likeamillpond surely the issue is you were acting in a coupley manner with someone whilst in a relationship elsewhere, not that walk. Or you were single and you both liked each other a little to afford such intimacies. You can "accidentally" have that intimacy doing a million things. Meanwhile if my friend and I went for a walk he'd likely haul me up by the elbow if I fell, we'd huddle with arms around around ourselves not each other and only one of us would eat an apple

I was single.
He had a girlfriend at the time.

Well I hope he's stopped flirting with women since he got with you. But he could have hit on you in any number of scenarios that contrived to get you alone.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@likeamillpond surely the issue is you were acting in a coupley manner with someone whilst in a relationship elsewhere, not that walk. Or you were single and you both liked each other a little to afford such intimacies. You can "accidentally" have that intimacy doing a million things. Meanwhile if my friend and I went for a walk he'd likely haul me up by the elbow if I fell, we'd huddle with arms around around ourselves not each other and only one of us would eat an apple[/quote]
I get what you're saying.
We didn't fancy eacho ther to start with. But became close as time went on. The more we got to know eachother.

He is sounding jealous and controlling.

What does he think gay people do? Using his logic I can’t be friends with men or women.

I must be spectacularly unattractive, none of my male friends want to have sex with me 🤣🤣

And DH is v much not jealous or insecure about them. I'm clearly too ugly to be a threat 😂

Being very honest and I know this goes against the grain here, I would be really upset if I found out dh was going for walks with a woman from work or was messaging them / meeting up etc. It’s a level of emotional intimacy I just wouldn’t be comfortable with.

Eh? I went to a mainly boys school for sixth form (am female) and most of my classes were therefore 9/10th boys and hey presto many of my oldest mates are blokes.

DH doesn’t blink. They predate him. He also doesn’t blink about me meeting up with male former colleagues. They don’t fancy me, we’ve shared past experiences and that has bonded us exactly as it has to other women. Equally DH meets up with women who he is friends with. It would be a red flag to me if he didn’t have female friends...I want him to be my mate and fancy me in that order!

My best friend is a man. We are both happily married. ... In fact I have several male friends. Always have had. My husband also has several female friends. In fact he's out with them now for after work drinks.

They're lovely.

Really not an issue

In fact the only issue has been in our friendship groups is when one of our married female friends , ran off with another married female friend.

Yes it's possible.

What do you do on your walks bagel? Is it only walks in certain places - isolated tow paths, woods or would a walk around a town looking at the sights count? What about coffee? Arguably more chance to talk and stare into each others eyes? Dinner? A drink? Are they ok or do you mean you'd not want your DH to have any female fitness?

Of course women and men can be friends with each other. I would be a bit worried about your husband, because what next? If you were looking to have an affair you’d hardly advertise it to him.

Also, you surely are now spending less time with your colleague than you would if you were at work? He just sounds like he’s very jealous, and in my experience it can often escalate.

@SleepingStandingUp

Are you sure? Ask one of them if they fancy a shag and see what they say.

@mightbealittlebitmad

We only walk during the week which is when my husband works so he's not taking up any family time.
I actually met his wife today briefly when I went round to his to meet him. We said hi, I introduced my child then we left. As far as I'm aware she doesn't have any issues with it, she was perfectly pleasant to me anyway.

Has he spent any time with your DH? Maybe because it’s something that only ever happens without him your DH is unsure about it?

@Yesisbui surely it’s pretty common?! I have quite a few male friends - either ones that I went to school with, uni with, or have met since and I’m pretty sure we’ve only ever seen each other as friends and nothing more 🤔

I have a fair few male friends.
I know a couple of them would make a move on me if I gave them an indication I liked them / was interested. I'm not.
One of my male friends goes to great lengths to hide our friendship from his partner. She's particularly jealous of other women and I don't like being made to feel like a secret so I have used lockdown as an excuse to cool our friendship. He was good company but I suspect he may have form.

@SleepingStandingUp

And DH is v much not jealous or insecure about them. I'm clearly too ugly to be a threat 😂

Don’t worry @SleepingStandingUp - I’m the same 🤣🤣 As for all the “is your fall on a walk he touches you to help you up” etc 🙄 my male friends ate more likely just to laugh 🤣 as I’d expect my female friends to too 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I certainly wouldn't be happy about my husband going on walks with another woman.

I think your H is whining for a different reason. I bet this bloke from work has a nice marriage, takes care of his wife and kids and treats them with respect and care. Or at least that is what his actions so far say...?

Your H on the other hand - from what you've shared, hasn't been stepping up. Your H knows this deep down and is angry at your colleague because he might be 'showing him up'.

Could that be why? In any event, it doesn't matter. You are doing nothing wrong and your H needs to get a grip on his own behaviour and treatment of you, rather than try and change you doing an activity that you enjoy.

These threads always sadden me, when some people genuinely don’t believe men and women can be just friends. My best friend is a guy. In 25 years we’ve never had so much as a drunken snog, even as teens when we were both single. We’re now both married and get on great as a 4 but equally, his wife has no problem at all with us hanging out just the 2 of us or telling each other we love each other, and my DH thinks it’s sweet when BF and I walk arm in arm.

My DH also has a close female friend he grew up with. They often go to the pub together, sometimes I join, sometimes I can’t be bothered so leave them to it and it never occurs to me to be concerned. That’s what an honest, trusting relationship should be like.

@Yesisbui

Im a guy.

Its very rare for a man and woman to just be friends. In 99% of cases the guy usually fancies the woman. (Even if she doesnt). Your husband knows this, which is why he is upset

In my case, ive only ever had 1 female friend that I didnt fancy, and thats be because I thought of her as an older sister.

This @Yesisbui

www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

In my experience, women think that because they think of their male friend in a platonic way, then that MUST mean their male friend thinks of them in the same way too. Often that is not the case and the man is simply waiting for the right time/situation to make an advance. I think it's really good for men & women to be friends, I don't think segregated societies are good for women actually. However, often, when a man wants to make friends, he has his male pals for that. Seeing somebody when you're out and having a casual chat is one thing, but when men invest time in seeing a woman it's usually because he's hoping, one day, for something more.

A lot of women seem to get upset with this because they want to have a wide friendship circle, don't want to think that there's anything more to their opposite sex friendships because that would add complexity and be an inconvencience. Then some of them post on these boards saying they are outraged shocked even that their male friend came onto them! The very nerve of it :O

However, I thinks it's sad that your husband doesn't trust you in the case that there was such an advance and you don't seem to be in a good place in your marriage right now.