Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I expect DH to do better than that?

107 replies

CovidSmart · 15/04/2021 17:27

This year was a special birthday and Dh decided that my treat for it would be 3 days break in a yurt about 1 hour away from home. He booked in January (My b'day) for the 12th April onwards (Luckier than that on dates, you can't do. The plan to get out of lockdown wasn't set up yet.)

Now the background:
I have a chronic illness which means mobility issues. I can only walk so far before I get exhausted and in pain. More than 5000steps in the day and I'm done. Or I need many breaks in between. On a bench rather than a cold stone/ground.
I am also cold very easily and cold is making all my symptoms worse, including the pain.
I need to follow a specific diet (otherwise again symptoms are flaring up) which means more thinking is needed if we decide to have a day out. I can't just go and grab something at a cafe because it's basically very hit and miss on whether I will something suitable.
Going 'walking' (even in a nice flat garden) is not my idea of fun. I did it many times with the dcs. But I'd rather be in a town, looking at architecture, visiting quirky shops/places (I'd say museums etc too but we are not quite there yet lockdown wise)

Instead:
Those 3 days started the day before with me spending too much time cooking for us all so I had something to eat when away. More work for me. Plus I got tired from the standing/cooking even before we left.

Then we went on to 'visit' attractions we've been to many many times as they are only 1 hour away. With DH looking surprised it was too much and having this sheepish look on his face 'Oh I think that was too much wasn't it?'
It was cold (there was still snow on the ground when we arrived) cue for me waking up during the night in pain (and freezing)

Going camping in April (in a yurt or not) is always a gamble at the best of times. We did nothing special/different.

Now is that really too much to ask for DH to actually think ahead and KNOW I was likely to struggle? And maybe to find something a bit better suited to me, my tastes and abilities rather than whatever was the easiest (or suited HIM best - he loves the outdoors)

OP posts:
category12 · 15/04/2021 17:33

Yeah, sounds like it was a birthday treat for him, not you.

When's his birthday? I think you should treat him to something you'd like.

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 17:36

@category12

Yeah, sounds like it was a birthday treat for him, not you.

When's his birthday? I think you should treat him to something you'd like.

Or you could try using your words like a big girl rather than behaving like a passive-aggressive 12 year old. I hear that works too.
category12 · 15/04/2021 17:51

Well yes @creepygnochi, but to be honest, OP should have done that when he booked/announced the present - gone "oh hey, I don't think I'll actually cope well with that, sorry love, could we try to cancel and try to rebook something else?"

He's done a Homer Simpson and the bowling ball episode.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 17:51

Why didn’t you say anything? My husband would know all about it if he tried to take me to a yurt

SeaTurtles92 · 15/04/2021 17:56

I don't really get why you wouldn't say something rather than sulk?

pickingdaisies · 15/04/2021 17:58

After a spectacularly disastrous camping holiday in France many years ago, my DH would never try to get me to go camping ever again, ever. Ever. Again. Why did you go? Why did you not use your words?

HollowTalk · 15/04/2021 17:59

You were daft going, weren't you? You knew it would be awful for you and it was. Yes, he was a fool to book something like that but you were a fool to go, too.

category12 · 15/04/2021 18:02

Maybe the kids knew about it and everyone was all excited and OP didn't feel like she was being the wet blanket who didn't want to go.

category12 · 15/04/2021 18:04

didn't want to feel like she she was being the wet blanket. Goshdarnit

pickingdaisies · 15/04/2021 18:12

Anyone else getting adverts for camping holidays now? 😬
I won't go, I tell you!

Windmillwhirl · 15/04/2021 18:12

I don't know why you went. You knew it would be horrendous. Do you have a problem with asserting yourself in general?

Original poster
CovidSmart · 15/04/2021 18:12

I never said I have been sulking @Shoxfordian. Not sure where you got that from.... Hmm

Why didn't I say anything?

  • because it was a gift and I felt really ungrateful for saying it was a crap idea
  • because Dh actually managed to rope my pasrents into it too so the gift was from him AND them
  • because I feel like I am constantly stopping everyone from doing enjoyable things all the time. I feel crap about it and somehow responsible
  • because I wanted a nice time away where we would have had a nice time together. As it happens the weather was splendid the week before which would have made things much easier for me.
  • because it's not the first time it happened (see the guilty look from DH) and I don't have the energy to figth anymore.

But the bottom line realy is that he should/would have known it was likely to go tits up.
We've had many chats before about that so I would expect him to be on the ball. Why would I have to say NO every single time he proposes something because it's ALWAYS unsuitable? Surely after 10 years, he should have learnt?

I'm just sad rather than angry really

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 15/04/2021 18:14

I wouldn’t be impressed at that and I’d be sad that my DH hadn’t really thought about what I’d like and enjoy

Eviebeans · 15/04/2021 18:15

It would have been a great birthday treat if he'd just have taken the children on the trip. Three days at home to do as you like...

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 18:15

I didn’t say anything about sulking, that was another poster.

I asked why you didn’t tell him that it wouldn’t be good for you. There’s no way my husband would take me camping or to a yurt because he knows I don’t like it.

Original poster
CovidSmart · 15/04/2021 18:19

@Eviebeans

It would have been a great birthday treat if he'd just have taken the children on the trip. Three days at home to do as you like...
The other side of the coin is too is that by saying NO to things, I end up on my own at home whilst DH and the dcs are out and about enjoying themselves.

I've hardly been out of the area for the last 5 years. DH was astonished a few months ago that I hasdnt been to for years. Because he and the dcs have been there many many times. But wo me. Because its all about their enjoyement of the outdoors and I just cant do it.

So saying NO to that gift was closing yet another door to doing something together. Yet another 3 days on my own.
I spend usually at leats half of the weekend on my own already. I dont need another 3 days as a b'day present.

OP posts:
Original poster
CovidSmart · 15/04/2021 18:19

Sorry @Shoxfordian.. I got confused.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 18:22

No worries
Think you need to advocate for yourself a bit more with him and your parents. Surely they know your health issues and could have told him it wasn’t a good plan
Sorry it wasn’t a good birthday

category12 · 15/04/2021 18:23

The other side of the coin is too is that by saying NO to things, I end up on my own at home whilst DH and the dcs are out and about enjoying themselves.

Aw, that's pants. Is some kind of mobility help a possibility for you?

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 15/04/2021 18:23

Are your parents unaware of your issues?
Why didn't they say something to him?

category12 · 15/04/2021 18:32

I know it's not very sexy, but maybe it's worth investing in a mobility scooter?

Original poster
CovidSmart · 15/04/2021 18:49

My parents are living in a different country. They just said YES to what they saw as a request for some financial help to buy that weekend. They actually planned something totally different for me. (We could well afford said couple of days btw).

A mobility scooter wouldnt have helped there. It doesnt work on small paths to start with. It doesn't help when DH and the dcs are running around in the countryside (not even on paths!) during the weekend.

But more importantly, why should I make the effort of looking at a mobility scooter, even if I don't want one, when DH doesnt make any effort at all??

OP posts:
DonLewis · 15/04/2021 18:54

Ah, that must feel shitty. And he has form for this?

It's time to talk to dh prieperly. Maybe he sees you so ping and thinks everything is tickety boo. I mean, I know it's hard to believe but I'm trying to be generous.

What would you have liked for your birthday?

Flowers because life sounds tough.

DonLewis · 15/04/2021 18:54

Ffs. Properly and coping have come out all discombobulated. Sorry.

category12 · 15/04/2021 18:59

But more importantly, why should I make the effort of looking at a mobility scooter, even if I don't want one, when DH doesnt make any effort at all??

Because you're constantly missing out on going places with your dh and the kids? Yes, maybe it wouldn't be suitable for some terrains, but presumably some of the places they go and you miss out on would be more accessible to you? You're upset that you're stuck at home on your own regularly, surely being to join them more would benefit you?