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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I expect DH to do better than that?

107 replies

CovidSmart · 15/04/2021 17:27

This year was a special birthday and Dh decided that my treat for it would be 3 days break in a yurt about 1 hour away from home. He booked in January (My b'day) for the 12th April onwards (Luckier than that on dates, you can't do. The plan to get out of lockdown wasn't set up yet.)

Now the background:
I have a chronic illness which means mobility issues. I can only walk so far before I get exhausted and in pain. More than 5000steps in the day and I'm done. Or I need many breaks in between. On a bench rather than a cold stone/ground.
I am also cold very easily and cold is making all my symptoms worse, including the pain.
I need to follow a specific diet (otherwise again symptoms are flaring up) which means more thinking is needed if we decide to have a day out. I can't just go and grab something at a cafe because it's basically very hit and miss on whether I will something suitable.
Going 'walking' (even in a nice flat garden) is not my idea of fun. I did it many times with the dcs. But I'd rather be in a town, looking at architecture, visiting quirky shops/places (I'd say museums etc too but we are not quite there yet lockdown wise)

Instead:
Those 3 days started the day before with me spending too much time cooking for us all so I had something to eat when away. More work for me. Plus I got tired from the standing/cooking even before we left.

Then we went on to 'visit' attractions we've been to many many times as they are only 1 hour away. With DH looking surprised it was too much and having this sheepish look on his face 'Oh I think that was too much wasn't it?'
It was cold (there was still snow on the ground when we arrived) cue for me waking up during the night in pain (and freezing)

Going camping in April (in a yurt or not) is always a gamble at the best of times. We did nothing special/different.

Now is that really too much to ask for DH to actually think ahead and KNOW I was likely to struggle? And maybe to find something a bit better suited to me, my tastes and abilities rather than whatever was the easiest (or suited HIM best - he loves the outdoors)

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/04/2021 09:02

I don’t like the sound of your husband, the more you post the less he seems to care about you and your well-being

Auntycorruption · 16/04/2021 09:02

In fact the more you post the more I wonder if you would be better apart. Then you'll have 1 weekend each with the dcs to do stuff that suits you all in balance.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/04/2021 09:02

If this was AIBU I would say that you are being VVVVVVVVVU. You have known since January he's booked this why on earth didn't you say all the way back then no this won't meet my needs i want to do something else instead and spell out want you want instead.
You have let this fester since January and then been passive aggressive about the whole thing.
You need to learn to speak up not go along with everything.

Parkperson · 16/04/2021 09:11

But in Covid times, are there many town activities open? Back in January it was all gloom and doom. Your DH might have searched for activities likely to be open. It must be hard for everyone in this situation. All the posters suggesting that you get your own back suggests that the love has gone and the relationship is over. Is that what you really want? Try to make the best of it and book a family city break in the summer when museums, restaurants etc are open again.

Parkperson · 16/04/2021 09:12

All these posters having a go at the husband, what kind of city activities do you think were open back in January?

Shoxfordian · 16/04/2021 09:14

Yeah that’s true but he could have booked something for later in the year. He sounds thoughtless from the op’s other posts anyway, it’s not just one incident

Original poster
CovidSmart · 16/04/2021 09:16

@Parkperson, on the other side, no one told him it had to be something to do ASAP. He could have said here is a ‘voucher’ a weekend away in the summer once we know what we can and can’t do.
And booked it in March when we started to have a better idea of what is possible to do.
I wouldn’t have minded that!

OP posts:
Original poster
CovidSmart · 16/04/2021 09:17

@Shehasadiamondinthesky, interested to know what makes you think I have been PA during those 3 days.
Could you explain what made you think that?

OP posts:
Original poster
CovidSmart · 16/04/2021 09:17

@Auntycorruption

In fact the more you post the more I wonder if you would be better apart. Then you'll have 1 weekend each with the dcs to do stuff that suits you all in balance.
Actually that’s something I’ve told dH a few times already....
OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 16/04/2021 09:29

He sounds like he is hugely resentful of being held back by your limitations. Just this once he could have planned around you. Yes he was selfish.
This is tricky however. If he is at the point of feeling held back, then maybe separating is an option?

Goshitstricky · 16/04/2021 14:04

Sorry if it's been mentioned but has your DH had any counselling with along side you or by himself to talk about living with someone who has a chronic disease?

It's a huge thing to get your head around (for both of you) and some talking therapy could be really beneficial for you both.

HappyWipings · 16/04/2021 14:12

All other things aside, it sounds like you don't want to be with your husband anymore. That's what I'm hearing here.

tenlittlecygnets · 16/04/2021 19:42

@HappyWipings

All other things aside, it sounds like you don't want to be with your husband anymore. That's what I'm hearing here.
Yep, I'm getting this too. You talk about him with such resentment and lack of respect - doesn't sound like there is a way back. Mind you, if he has resented your disability for years, resentment has probably built up on both sides.

Tbh most kids would probably enjoy running and outdoor activities than walking round a town, especially when they're young... so it's good that your h is at least taking them out.

I would have thought that after ten years you'd have come to some agreement about how to manage things... you might both be happier if you split.

Original poster
CovidSmart · 16/04/2021 19:53

Lack of respect?!?

Where did you get the lack of respect exactly??? I have to say, I'm floored there.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 16/04/2021 19:58

So for his birthday are you arranging to take him to a lovely hotel, in the middle of a nice cultural city, maybe with a spa and everything close by so you don't have to walk far, and restaurants that you can eat at?

Original poster
CovidSmart · 16/04/2021 20:04

@harknesswitch Tbh I'd love to do that for myself but no I will not.
Because that's not something he would enjoy. I mean if I think it was a shitty thing to do to me, why would do I do the same to him?

Next year, this will a big b'day for him (same than mine this year). My plan would be to plan something around a hobby of his that I know he will enjoy (and as it happens I could do too, as well as the dcs).
Covid needs to behave though.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/04/2021 20:41

How old are your DC?

I think you need to have a very honest and blunt conversation with your DH and ask him how he would feel if you and the DC had a hobby that excluded him and he was never permitted to do his hobby because he had to look after the house (in the same way you can't do anything due to your condition).

I mean you need to very much spell it out to him.

Your DCs as well as DH need to compromise and also spend time doing things you can do and ENJOY week in week out.

They need to help more at home to enable you to participate in more.

Honestly I would tell H his birthday trip next will be booked by you to do the things you can do and that you enjoy.

I think you have allowed him to get away with being selfish and inconsiderate for years and it's time to stop.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2021 20:50

[quote CovidSmart]@harknesswitch Tbh I'd love to do that for myself but no I will not.
Because that's not something he would enjoy. I mean if I think it was a shitty thing to do to me, why would do I do the same to him?

Next year, this will a big b'day for him (same than mine this year). My plan would be to plan something around a hobby of his that I know he will enjoy (and as it happens I could do too, as well as the dcs).
Covid needs to behave though.[/quote]
So you're going to go along with your life as it is, and to a degree, pandering to your DH who doesn't appear to give a shit about you?

Original poster
CovidSmart · 16/04/2021 21:07

I think you have allowed him to get away with being selfish and inconsiderate for years and it's time to stop.

I agree with that.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 17/04/2021 01:31

He may be a thoughtless person.
Or he may also tried to book something that was possible that will be legal.
And that is a location nearby - as traveling at much distance wasn’t allowed forever.
And last year this time was very nice and warm - so he must have gambled on that.
Plus - he probably thought it’d be nice for the kids.

But given you various considerations - I agree with others - speak up for yourself more. Don’t try to keep everyone happy.

Parkperson · 17/04/2021 09:21

@CovidSmart. Your DH made an effort at a time when it was difficult to book anything. You said you would prefer a voucher but that seems so unimaginative. I think you would have been resentful of that too.
I don't know you but you are coming across as resentful and perhaps bitter. You appear so, so fed up with your husband. If you dislike him so much perhaps a split would be freeing and allow you to live your life in the way you want. He sounds as though he would co parent well.
If the relationship is not working for you think about alternative ways of living. I hope you reach a decision that gives you peace and freedom

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2021 11:29

[quote Parkperson]@CovidSmart. Your DH made an effort at a time when it was difficult to book anything. You said you would prefer a voucher but that seems so unimaginative. I think you would have been resentful of that too.
I don't know you but you are coming across as resentful and perhaps bitter. You appear so, so fed up with your husband. If you dislike him so much perhaps a split would be freeing and allow you to live your life in the way you want. He sounds as though he would co parent well.
If the relationship is not working for you think about alternative ways of living. I hope you reach a decision that gives you peace and freedom[/quote]
How is it 'making an effort' when he was arraigning things he wanted to do without a thought for the person whose actual birthday it was?

tenlittlecygnets · 17/04/2021 14:09

@CovidSmart

Lack of respect?!?

Where did you get the lack of respect exactly??? I have to say, I'm floored there.

Well, you've said he's selfish, thoughtless, thick, sulky, makes no effort, doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, hasn't learned what did you after ten years - that's where I got lack of respect.

I've noticed that you're picking people up for pointing out that you're sulky, PA and now me - it might be better focusing on the advice you've been given! It sounds like a difficult situation for you all.

tenlittlecygnets · 17/04/2021 14:09

What suits you, not what did you.

FunTimes2020 · 17/04/2021 14:41

I feel for you op. Your DH sounds selfish and uncaring. You are being marginalised and there is a danger his shitty attitude towards you will rub off on the DC. I think you need to give him some food for thought, and if he does not change his ways you will probably be happier without him.

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