Can I expect DH to do better than that?

[CovidSmart]

This year was a special birthday and Dh decided that my treat for it would be 3 days break in a yurt about 1 hour away from home. He booked in January (My b'day) for the 12th April onwards (Luckier than that on dates, you can't do. The plan to get out of lockdown wasn't set up yet.)

Now the background:
I have a chronic illness which means mobility issues. I can only walk so far before I get exhausted and in pain. More than 5000steps in the day and I'm done. Or I need many breaks in between. On a bench rather than a cold stone/ground.
I am also cold very easily and cold is making all my symptoms worse, including the pain.
I need to follow a specific diet (otherwise again symptoms are flaring up) which means more thinking is needed if we decide to have a day out. I can't just go and grab something at a cafe because it's basically very hit and miss on whether I will something suitable.
Going 'walking' (even in a nice flat garden) is not my idea of fun. I did it many times with the dcs. But I'd rather be in a town, looking at architecture, visiting quirky shops/places (I'd say museums etc too but we are not quite there yet lockdown wise)

Instead:
Those 3 days started the day before with me spending too much time cooking for us all so I had something to eat when away. More work for me. Plus I got tired from the standing/cooking even before we left.

Then we went on to 'visit' attractions we've been to many many times as they are only 1 hour away. With DH looking surprised it was too much and having this sheepish look on his face 'Oh I think that was too much wasn't it?'
It was cold (there was still snow on the ground when we arrived) cue for me waking up during the night in pain (and freezing)

Going camping in April (in a yurt or not) is always a gamble at the best of times. We did nothing special/different.

Now is that really too much to ask for DH to actually think ahead and KNOW I was likely to struggle? And maybe to find something a bit better suited to me, my tastes and abilities rather than whatever was the easiest (or suited HIM best - he loves the outdoors)

His own values explain a lot about his (awful) attitude to your ill Heath and have probably influenced you to be stoic and not being vocal with your NEEDS.

It's more the fact that, at the beginning, when I did voice my issues/needs/restrictions, they were ignored or dismissed so I had no other choice than be stoic.

Thank you for your input (all of you, even those who think I'm just hard work).

This thread has helped me a lot of clarify what is going on. I hadn't actually made such a cloise link between his attitude towards health/his parents and his attitude to me.

I think it also raises another issue. I know he is trying to take my needs into account and be more careful. I also know he is not getting it at all.
That's one of the reasons why I got a fitbit to count my daily steps. Now I can tell him, this is 5000 steps. I am stopping because I've reached my limit. I know he will respond well to that. And he also has an idea of what 5000 steps represent in RL. I am hoping that it will give some sort of framework to work with.

@PatriachyChickenChampion2020, thanks for sharing your experience.
It's very helpful to hear from someone who has had a personal experience of chronic health.

I'm taking your point about counselling. I had a few sessions last autumn but won't get anymore with the NHS. And all the private counsellors I saw were crap for these sort of issues. If you have any poinres on that, I'd be happy to hear.

I think to find a good counsellor check out recommendations on forums for your condition or chronic pain ones etc. Also ring ones up and ask for their experience in helping someone deal with the issues you have you may find someone you click with.

Any charities related to your condition, they may know of therapists they have links to.

So it sounds like you would benefit from a frank discussion with your DH about how awful his behaviour was in the beginning, how hurtful it was for you feelings and illness to be ignored and minimised and the damage it's done.

Give him the information he needs about the past and now so he can improve and be better more understanding partner. You need to start being brutally honest with him and remember your feelings are valid.

It sounds like there is long history of your feelings being ignored not just your health.

If anyone is interested in a lightweight disability scooter there’s one on qvc just now. Granted it’s £2.5k but it has easypays, free delivery and collection if you change your mind within 60 days, and it might change someone’s life to get their freedom back. At least you can try it out for a couple of months and see how you get on. I don’t know if anywhere else offers that.

[quote CovidSmart]@PatriachyChickenChampion2020, thanks for sharing your experience.
It's very helpful to hear from someone who has had a personal experience of chronic health.

I'm taking your point about counselling. I had a few sessions last autumn but won't get anymore with the NHS. And all the private counsellors I saw were crap for these sort of issues. If you have any poinres on that, I'd be happy to hear.[/quote]
In all honesty it's taken a good few years to come to terms with everything - it was actually one of my consultants who helped the most - and pain management clinic/courses if you have them locally? At first I was a bit about a lot of the course as it seemed like mental attitude will ease your pain etc but I realised that the mind and the body are linked - think of being embarrassed and your cheeks flushing. So at some point I had to admit if I got everything straight in my mind and accepted it it would help (and it did). They had lots of techniques like that and also things like steroid injections etc too.

In terms of the wheelchair I realise it seems like a huge step and an acknowledgment of your limitations. Well anyway I felt like that, then after I got it I realised what a massive knob I had been It's a tool, exactly the same as crutches for a broken leg - you wouldn't refuse crutches because you didn't want to admit you needed them. But you have to get in the headspace of accepting your diagnosis/conditions first I think.

It's literally been life changing. It has made my life easier as well as DHs and DCs. It frees up so much mental space eg there is no "how far will I be able to walk" "what if I want to sit down" "what if I can't keep up and everyone gets frustrated" "how long will I take to recover afterwards" etc etc. I can just go. My DD plays a professional sport so I can empathise with the wanting to watch but it being difficult...

But you do end up being a receptacle for everyone's coats and bags if you're not careful I don't know if they are still doing this because of CV, but if you have a local Red Cross they loan out wheelchairs so you can try them. My top tip would be self propelled so you have more independence.