Can I expect DH to do better than that?

[CovidSmart]

This year was a special birthday and Dh decided that my treat for it would be 3 days break in a yurt about 1 hour away from home. He booked in January (My b'day) for the 12th April onwards (Luckier than that on dates, you can't do. The plan to get out of lockdown wasn't set up yet.)

Now the background:
I have a chronic illness which means mobility issues. I can only walk so far before I get exhausted and in pain. More than 5000steps in the day and I'm done. Or I need many breaks in between. On a bench rather than a cold stone/ground.
I am also cold very easily and cold is making all my symptoms worse, including the pain.
I need to follow a specific diet (otherwise again symptoms are flaring up) which means more thinking is needed if we decide to have a day out. I can't just go and grab something at a cafe because it's basically very hit and miss on whether I will something suitable.
Going 'walking' (even in a nice flat garden) is not my idea of fun. I did it many times with the dcs. But I'd rather be in a town, looking at architecture, visiting quirky shops/places (I'd say museums etc too but we are not quite there yet lockdown wise)

Instead:
Those 3 days started the day before with me spending too much time cooking for us all so I had something to eat when away. More work for me. Plus I got tired from the standing/cooking even before we left.

Then we went on to 'visit' attractions we've been to many many times as they are only 1 hour away. With DH looking surprised it was too much and having this sheepish look on his face 'Oh I think that was too much wasn't it?'
It was cold (there was still snow on the ground when we arrived) cue for me waking up during the night in pain (and freezing)

Going camping in April (in a yurt or not) is always a gamble at the best of times. We did nothing special/different.

Now is that really too much to ask for DH to actually think ahead and KNOW I was likely to struggle? And maybe to find something a bit better suited to me, my tastes and abilities rather than whatever was the easiest (or suited HIM best - he loves the outdoors)

And life does sound tough for you and I do think he's been very thoughtless about this.

How could he think everything is fine when he can see me struggling go up steps and has to give me a hand so I can lean on him to go up two steps??

How could he think all is good when he sees me 'pullimg a face' from the pain just because I am trying to stand up?

Are some people so thick they need to be told in those cases???

but presumably some of the places they go and you miss out on would be more accessible to you?

Nope they are never accessible in any shape or form.
As I said, they are involved in an outdoor activity (think trial running) where I will NEVER be able to join at all.
And said activity takes over every single weekend (bar lockdown)

I've done the 'I am going to wait for you in the car' many times. I just feel like a spare part.

This is why I am so sad (and probably also getting angry). I thik I have done my bit. I have supported all of them in their pursuits. I wish that things were going the other way from time to time.

I think it was really bad of him. He knows you have a disability and he must know there are things you find difficult or make you ill. He's your husband, why is he ignoring this? Because it's inconvenient? It certainly doesn't sound like something he thought you would enjoy. I'm disabled myself, and people who don't know me well assume I can manage in situations where I know I can't. There've been times when I've been forced to try to do things I know are impossible for me, by people who wanted to ignore my disability. But this is your HUSBAND. You should be able to rely on his support!

Sorry trail not trial....

He is being a shit husband.

Yeh, sure, you could have tried xyz if this was an isolated incident but you're describing a pattern of him failing to make any consideration for your disability or you.

That makes him a dickhead and you have every right to both be angry & sad and to express that to him. And be listened to.

He needs to change. Somebody who loves you and cares about you should not be happy to knowingly put you in situations that case you pain, let alone watching you in pain he has caused and pretending not to notice.

It would be great if he could see and think ahead about these things, but what you’re seeing over and over again is that either he can’t, or he won’t. Only you know which is more likely.

If it’s that he can’t then you’re going to need to be more specific with him. Should you have to? Maybe not, but surely it’s better than living like this and becoming more and more resentful? Try to acknowledge the bits he’s got right - it’s lovely to go away together and do stuff - but point out that for example, a yurt is a gamble. You’re more likely to be able to get around in town and there’s more places to rest. You know he loves the outdoors, you find live easier in towns. You could also research places that might be able to cater for you and you’re more likely to find somewhere in a city. You can take cabs if you need a break.

I’m sorry you had such a disappointing weekend. I particularly thought it was a shame that he subsidised it with what would have been your parents present to you.

I agree with pp who said at his birthday book a ‘special treat’ for him. Only it’s really for you!

It will be a couple of days away (with lots of time for you to prepare batch cooked meals in advance so no cooking prior, just taking stuff out of the freezer the night before so it’s ready to use if you can’t source suitable food while there).

In a nice hotel with disabled access, no steps to the entrance, car parking directly outside the front or rear entrance, a lift, fridge in the room (for your special food)

In a town not too far away with lots of things you like to do that the kids could also enjoy.

Preferably with somewhere you can hire a mobility scooter if you want to.

When he says he’s not enjoying it you can remark, “aw that’s a shame. You got me a present you enjoyed that I didn’t, I thought that’s what we were doing nowadays”. And if he does enjoy it, result!! As long as you and kids are happy that’s the main thing.

I don’t think he respects you or your condition as much as he could. I think he thinks you’re at it. I had one of those. He’s an ex now. It took me a long time to leave him as I thought I couldn’t cope alone. But I did.

@MNWorldisCrazy

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You know you're in Relationships and not AIBU, yes?

And did you read the OP? Or are you always this nasty to someone with a disability?

Her husband is at best thoughtless but mostly just selfish. That trip was for him, not her. What she would have liked didn't even enter his head

Yes I tried the ‘let’s go to a town instead’ before.

But DH doesn’t like towns.... we’ve had many situations where he was sulking all the way because it’s not what he wanted to do.

I realise I’m sounding very negative.
I think I’m just exhausted of trying to make it easier for him/organising things myself/taking the lead. I wanted him to look after me not just holding my hand to help me walk because I’m in pain thanks to his poor choices.

FWIW I’ve had the same experience than @FangsForTheMemory. Some very good friends don’t always the measure of what I can do. So I end up doing too much. But the difference is that the next day I can say ‘let’s stay in and have a chat instead. I really can’t do anything today’ and they’ll accommodate me wo a second thought.
DH would struggle with that.

@pickingdaisies

Anyone else getting adverts for camping holidays now? 😬 I won't go, I tell you!

There was a thread the other day where someone's DD had 'eloped' to Scotland and I was getting 'visit Scotland' ads ...is this a thing now?

Sounds shit, OP. He’s basically been horribly inconsiderate. I’m in the same boat as you, mobility issues. I would hate camping, a yurt, whatever and walking round attractions would kill me. Have you properly spoken to him about his total miss? He knows fine well how rubbish this would have been for you.

He should absolutely have planned your birthday around your wants and your needs. And after this long together, he should know what those are without you having to tell him.

If he does manage to do this again, don't just go along with it to keep the peace.

Op can you just say that really wasn't my thing for next birthday I would like... Y item or x item... Please.
Repeat.
Also for weekends, once a month just book stuff. Eg this Saturday we're going to the natural history museum or something. Then just do it.

@CovidSmart

Yes I tried the ‘let’s go to a town instead’ before.

But DH doesn’t like towns.... we’ve had many situations where he was sulking all the way because it’s not what he wanted to do.

I realise I’m sounding very negative.
I think I’m just exhausted of trying to make it easier for him/organising things myself/taking the lead. I wanted him to look after me not just holding my hand to help me walk because I’m in pain thanks to his poor choices.

FWIW I’ve had the same experience than @FangsForTheMemory. Some very good friends don’t always the measure of what I can do. So I end up doing too much. But the difference is that the next day I can say ‘let’s stay in and have a chat instead. I really can’t do anything today’ and they’ll accommodate me wo a second thought.
DH would struggle with that.

Wow he’s super crap isn’t he. I’d book the hotel just for me and tell him you’re so iver activities and trips that exhaust you and leave you in pain, even for your birthday, and him expecting you to suck it up, but if you organised something that suits you hed silk like one of the dc. So you are catching up on your birthday by doing something you enjoy and hes not invited. And you’d like to book some joint counselling for when you get back to discuss how you could better be considerate and less selfish because this isn’t it.

Frankly it sounds like he resents you for your disability and tries to ignore it whenever possible. Is there still love there? Because you don't sound like it and he's not acting like it.

Counseling might help if he's willing to engage.

Op, that sounds like a miserable birthday treat but to be fair to your dh, he couldn't have known it was going to snow in April. It was pretty unexpected. And I doubt covid made for much choice. Had he ever been in a yurt before? Was he expecting underfloor heating and a four poster bed?

As others have said, you need to browse your birthday treat in advance and tell him what you would like.

I'd make a joke of it now (Oh God, remember the yurt!) and start planning for next year loudly. City break in Copenhagen ..... (covid-allowing)

I think this is a tricky one but basically both of you need to change a bit.

It's brilliant your DH taking the kids trail running. That's an incredibly heathy thing for them to be doing with their weekends. The problem is you can't join in. There's a few different ways to approach that...

Firstly, can you make it more comfortable for you to go? Budget permitting I'm thinking of high end camping chairs, good clothes for warmth, campervan with heater?! Or you could volunteer at registration on the event - tell them you need a seated job - that might help you feel more involved and meet some new people.

Secondly, there needs to be a balance of stuff you CAN do as a family. Part of the weekend needs to be indoors - museum, bowling, cinema etc. Get a mobility scooter and you'll find this easier too.

After 10 years I would have expected both of you to have worked out what's a treat for you and what's a treat for him. He needs to be less selfish and you need to be less compliant.

I do know it's tricky. My DH is chronically ill and so I think I'll have to be careful not to fall into your trap when the kids are older

@CovidSmart

Yes I tried the ‘let’s go to a town instead’ before.

But DH doesn’t like towns.... we’ve had many situations where he was sulking all the way because it’s not what he wanted to do.

I realise I’m sounding very negative.
I think I’m just exhausted of trying to make it easier for him/organising things myself/taking the lead. I wanted him to look after me not just holding my hand to help me walk because I’m in pain thanks to his poor choices.

FWIW I’ve had the same experience than @FangsForTheMemory. Some very good friends don’t always the measure of what I can do. So I end up doing too much. But the difference is that the next day I can say ‘let’s stay in and have a chat instead. I really can’t do anything today’ and they’ll accommodate me wo a second thought.
DH would struggle with that.

This makes him sound terrible. Like divorce style terrible. Only you know if it's a true reflection of how he is. Does he support you in other ways or do you constantly feel like a burden?

Can I suggest you get some counselling relating to your disability? It's going to be key for you to work out what you can and can't do, and how that looks for the rest of your life. You would also learn some strategies for managing other people - if it turns out your DH won't/can't be managed then maybe he's not the right person for you

@Auntycorruption, thé issue for me are the dcs.

I tend to put them right before me and I want them to be able to enjoy themselves, to do what they want. What they enjoy is being outside (because that’s all they’ve ever know too - but that’s another issue altogether). I feel crap enough that I have restricted what they can do somehow, that I really don’t want to so NO to them.
It’s even more tricky when you can’t quite plan ahead because I can’t tell a month in advance how I will feel and their activity is often planned a month ahead.
So yes I’m often in a conundrum and I have often chosen to put them first. Which I’m happy with.
DH on his own.... I would have no issue telling him NO iyswim.

Re getting involved with their activity... been there, done that. I’m afraid that waiting for 3 or 4 hours in the cold isn’t doing me any favours.
I’ve also gone away with them on a week long trip around their hobby. I’ve just been the spare part waiting along for everyone to finish, listening to them talking about the run etc... and being unable to join in. For good reasons. That’s not fun again because dH has never made the effort to include me but is expecting me to just tag along and be happy with that (plus Tbf, where they go there isn’t a lot to do anyway lol. But we could have gone to the pub just the 4 of us etc...)

As an aside, I dint think DH is amazing for being taking them to their hobby.
Believe me he is going because HE loves doing the activity. When it comes to him doing an effort for the dcs because THEY do something that he can’t be involved in (eg the race is only for 18 and under), he isn’t keen on taking them to places so they can participate! Even if it’s all about that hobby.

@CovidSmart I think it's completely normal to want to put the kids first. But on the other hand again perhaps it's not doing them any favours in the long run. I don't know how old they are but if they're trail running they must be late primary at least. Which is old enough to be learning some compassion and understanding that not everyone is able to spend the whole weekend running up a mountain. Of course I'm not suggesting you stop them doing what they live, but equally I think it's ok to say "mum can't join in that but I really want to spend time with you? Can we go to the pub on Sunday night for a meal all together?" . One of the very few plus points to having a disabled parent (in my opinion) is the opportunity to grow up with a better understanding of how different people can be. Not to limit their activities, but they absolutely should be growing up with compassion and the knowledge that you have needs too.

@CovidSmart

As an aside, I dint think DH is amazing for being taking them to their hobby. Believe me he is going because HE loves doing the activity. When it comes to him doing an effort for the dcs because THEY do something that he can’t be involved in (eg the race is only for 18 and under), he isn’t keen on taking them to places so they can participate! Even if it’s all about that hobby.

He sounds more and more like a twat ☹️