Love bombing, what?

crazyrabbitladtly · 2021-04-15T07:46:45+00:00

Can anyone tell me why men might do this? And I just read the phrase 'future faking' (on another thread, but not a TAAT). I was the recipient of both. I'm still with him, up to my neck, 2 years on but he's so different. Emotionally absent, dismissive, irritable. But every now and then turns on the charm enough to prevent me really getting a hold of those behaviours. It makes me wonder if it's me, but I'm 95% sure it's not. It's so confusing. I'm not looking for advice on what to do (I am still considering my options). I'm trying to understand the mentality behind it. I feel like he doesn't WANT to be like this with me. He tries to make it up to me but his mask slips over and over again.

Anonapuss · 15/04/2021 08:49

If you're still there 2 years later im not sure either description fit, but its hard to tell, without any explanation or background.
What does "up to my neck" mean?

I've had tins in my cupboard longer than 2 years, so its hard to understand not just chucking him if youre not happy.

Taffydog · 15/04/2021 08:51

I’ve finally managed to break free after 2 1/2 years of something very similar! Also look up gaslighting. Fundamentally you need to know that 1) it’s not you 2) he won’t change. He can’t change , he doesn’t think his behaviour is wrong though will play lip service if he thinks he’s losing you, nothing you can do will ever be right or good enough. Sorry you’re going through this it messes your self esteem and thinking up terribly xx

Ruminating2020 · 15/04/2021 08:53

Get out of there.
The lovebombing is to hook you in.
Relationships are not meant to be confusing.
If his mask slips over again and again, then he's not going to change is he?

Original poster

crazyrabbitladtly · 15/04/2021 09:30

Thank you, I know that's all true.

We live together and it all just feels so confusing. You're right, my self esteem was never great and it feels like it's in tatters now. The constant questioning of myself.

OP posts:

justhadtopost · 15/04/2021 09:37

Not sure why they do it but is is probably best to get out of the relationship. It is difficult, I ended a one like this in November and I still have days where I wonder how he could have done it. He was so convincing, learnt his lessons from the past, knew what he wanted now; etc. We took it really slowly too but in the end it turns out he is a manipulative lying cheating horrible little man who fooled/played/conned me. We had lots off on/off too and silent treatments towards the end. I am glad I am out but still find myself missing the good bits!!!

LeibnizQueen · 15/04/2021 09:41

I think a lot of men do this without really knowing they are doing it. It's their learned behaviour.

MyExH was like this. Was emotionally abusive after 10yrs. He's now with a lovely person but I fear for her. I hope you are not her !

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 09:51

He targeted you to abuse further. Your boundaries, already weakened, are being further eroded and otherwise got at by this frankly dangerous sounding individual now. What you're also seeing from him is the "nice" and "nasty" cycle of abuse here and that is a continuous one

He does this because he can and he also feels entitled to treat you like he does. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you.

Re a comment that LeibnizQueen made:-
"I think a lot of men do this without really knowing they are doing it. It's their learned behaviour."

Not all men by any means. ABUSIVE men act as you describe, they know what they are doing and it is indeed learnt behaviour. Her thankfully now ex H will do the same to his new partner as was done to her, they are adept at finding new targets to exploit.

OP - how else can you be helped here to get away from your abuser?.

LeibnizQueen · 15/04/2021 09:54

Great post from Attila

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 09:57

Its not actually a 'man's thing, it's a disordered personality thing. Normal people grow relationships organically over time. Narcissists and sociopaths and similar sorts, love bomb.

LeibnizQueen · 15/04/2021 09:58

"Not all men by any means. ABUSIVE men act as you describe, they know what they are doing and it is indeed learnt behaviour. Her thankfully now ex H will do the same to his new partner as was done to her, they are adept at finding new targets to exploit"

He probably did know what he was doing - I just didn't and don't want to believe that. This is after 10year of it, 6 years of separation and me divorcing him. He still has this power. They mess with your head OP - longer it goes on the worse mess you are left with.

As Attila says- what can be done to help you escape ?

Regularsizedrudy · 15/04/2021 10:04

It doesn’t matter why though really. Because they are messed up. There’s something missing inside them and they try to fill that void by controlling other people. It’s not always a conscious thing, that doesn’t make it any better. Leave.

LadyCatStark · 15/04/2021 10:07

That’s generally what happens with these sorts of men. It takes 18 months to 2 years for them to reveal those abusive behaviour and by that time they’ve usually rushed you into a shotgun marriage to make sure they can keep you 😡.

Original poster

crazyrabbitladtly · 15/04/2021 10:22

@Wanderlusto

Its not actually a 'man's thing, it's a disordered personality thing. Normal people grow relationships organically over time. Narcissists and sociopaths and similar sorts, love bomb.

Wow. Thank you so much. You're all so wise and supportive. I'm reeling a bit, the change from what he was to what he is (observably) has shaken me. I feel like a fool.

This post is interesting, it helps me make sense of it logically.

OP posts:

Original poster

crazyrabbitladtly · 15/04/2021 10:24

@Regularsizedrudy

It doesn’t matter why though really. Because they are messed up. There’s something missing inside them and they try to fill that void by controlling other people. It’s not always a conscious thing, that doesn’t make it any better. Leave.

And this (sorry, on phone so limited ability to look back as I post). This definitely rings true. I thought I could help him feel more and be less emotionally stunted. He thought so too, he wanted me to but I'm not strong enough to do that anymore.

OP posts:

Grimsknee · 15/04/2021 10:26

Lundy Bancrofts book "Why Does He Do That" might help. But in the end, the reason why shouldn't change how you react to it - the only way to change it is by getting out of the relationship.

Grimsknee · 15/04/2021 10:28

Also remember- women are not rehab machines for broken men. If he genuinely wants to change, he needs to see a professional.

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 10:29

I think they see the... light, I suppose, in other people and think if they acquire that person then they will also acquire that light for themselves. But when they realise they cant take it from you, they absolutely hate you for it. And when their sort hate you, they seek to break you. They are jealous and spiteful.

All you can do is get as far away from it as possible. Toxic spreads. There is no fixing it. No filling the void. You will never be able to give enough of you that they are satiated. And even if you could, it is not your job to do so. It is your job to protect yourself from people who want to either steal your light...or crush it.

Silverfly · 15/04/2021 10:32

I agree with pp that there's no point wondering why someone behaves the way they do. You may never really understand. It could be a personality disorder or learned behaviour from a difficult childhood or just a selfish person who doesn't really care about you. The important thing is to remove yourself.

BobbuhT · 15/04/2021 10:44

Men who love bomb have their own distorted attachment issues and messed up understanding on relationships. They have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is like. They are so good at initial honey. Too good. With no substance or resilience to build anything serious. They just want to feel like they are wanted, chosen. When their victim is hooked, they lose interest because they 'conquerred' them. They cracked it. They are very insecure and manipulative. Once they achieve hooking you up, they don't want your affection anymore because it becomes a steady relation, serious, maybe a bit routine with real life responsibilities. They want a constant fairy tale and a constant keeping on their toes. If you return the feelings they either dont value or respect that you could trupy like them or they feel they got you easily so now they could even get someone better in their eyes.
It's about the ego and the process of courting than a genuine desire to settle down and commit.

saltychoc · 15/04/2021 10:51

I've had this confusing situation in a LTR where my partner didn't seem to like me let alone love me, but if I made noises about leaving they were destroyed.

I got away in the end, fed up of being sold promises.

My thoughts about why they did this:

Control
Fucked up upbringing with made them avoidant - but they desperately wanted the 'happy family'

When I was in the relationship I was like you, trying to work out why? If guess don't I could mend it/him.
You can't.
I'm so much happier now and my confidence has returned

saltychoc · 15/04/2021 10:53

This thread is so useful!

Original poster

crazyrabbitladtly · 15/04/2021 10:55

@Wanderlusto

I think they see the... light, I suppose, in other people and think if they acquire that person then they will also acquire that light for themselves. But when they realise they cant take it from you, they absolutely hate you for it. And when their sort hate you, they seek to break you. They are jealous and spiteful.

All you can do is get as far away from it as possible. Toxic spreads. There is no fixing it. No filling the void. You will never be able to give enough of you that they are satiated. And even if you could, it is not your job to do so. It is your job to protect yourself from people who want to either steal your light...or crush it.

This. He's almost said as much. He'd go on about what I was like. And now I feel 2D, flat, black and white.

Everything you've all said is so, so spot on. It's really scary, I thought I was a bit wiser but I've never known anything like it before. Love bombing really is potent isn't it, when you're vulnerable.

I need to think think think. I promise you all that I will re read all this and consider your words and experiences. Please keep posting

OP posts:

GingerBeverage · 15/04/2021 11:03

You want to know why they do it?
Surely the answer is because it gets them what they want.
They get a partner who behaves how they want.

BobbuhT · 15/04/2021 11:38

Yes they suck the goodness, the hope, the dreams, the LIFE out of you and then leave you a dried up husk, a shell and a shadow of a former person you used to be.
First they over the top glorify you then they drop you. It's like a dreams sucker, a vampire. One person is never enough, always chasing the next 'high', the next lie, the next person. They are users.

MissSmiley · 15/04/2021 13:10

@justhadtopost

Not sure why they do it but is is probably best to get out of the relationship. It is difficult, I ended a one like this in November and I still have days where I wonder how he could have done it. He was so convincing, learnt his lessons from the past, knew what he wanted now; etc. We took it really slowly too but in the end it turns out he is a manipulative lying cheating horrible little man who fooled/played/conned me. We had lots off on/off too and silent treatments towards the end. I am glad I am out but still find myself missing the good bits!!!

This sums up the relationship I just ended, I thought for ages it was me, in the end spoke to his ex from years ago and she confirmed it's how he was with her too