Love bombing, what?

[crazyrabbitladtly]

Can anyone tell me why men might do this? And I just read the phrase 'future faking' (on another thread, but not a TAAT). I was the recipient of both. I'm still with him, up to my neck, 2 years on but he's so different. Emotionally absent, dismissive, irritable. But every now and then turns on the charm enough to prevent me really getting a hold of those behaviours.

It makes me wonder if it's me, but I'm 95% sure it's not. It's so confusing.

I'm not looking for advice on what to do (I am still considering my options). I'm trying to understand the mentality behind it. I feel like he doesn't WANT to be like this with me. He tries to make it up to me but his mask slips over and over again.

They really do mess with your head and heart don't they? He tried so hard initially as I wasn't that keen on him. I even ended it a couple of times but let him back after he (now I look back) love-bombed me again. I only finished it because I saw that he was 'chatting' to another woman. I then drove myself mad going over the relationship and wondering if any of it was true and if he'd been cheating on me all the way through, I have now come to the conclusion that I will never know and I need to take any lessons I have learned from this forward and listen to my gut more in future.

They do it because it works for them.

If he'd shown you what he was like, and told you his only agenda was to control you, right from the first date, you wouldn't still be with him now, would you?

@ChristmasFluff that's true, I'd have ran away (I hope!).

@Wanderlusto

I think they see the... light, I suppose, in other people and think if they acquire that person then they will also acquire that light for themselves. But when they realise they cant take it from you, they absolutely hate you for it. And when their sort hate you, they seek to break you. They are jealous and spiteful.

All you can do is get as far away from it as possible. Toxic spreads. There is no fixing it. No filling the void. You will never be able to give enough of you that they are satiated. And even if you could, it is not your job to do so. It is your job to protect yourself from people who want to either steal your light...or crush it.

I’ve never heard it explained this way before but it makes so much sense. Thanks for posting this.

@ChristmasFluff

They do it because it works for them.

If he'd shown you what he was like, and told you his only agenda was to control you, right from the first date, you wouldn't still be with him now, would you?

That is true. But they're surely not planning it or expecting to feel like this? It's like he felt all those things at the time (love bombing) but when he stopped feeling them (when the initial dopamine hit recedes I guess) he just reverts to his normal personality, which it turns out, isn't very nice!

It's easy for them to start with, but eventually the mask slips and they can't keep up that persona any more.

Then you start to see who they really are.

But by then you're so hooked that you start thinking that it must be something you're doing wrong that's made them change. They are happy for you to think this, because firstly it means that they don't have to make any effort to change back into Mr Nice, and secondly, it also means that you are constantly bending over backwards to try to please them.

You are asking the worng question. What does it matter why he does it? It matters why you continue to take it.

Why does a thief steal? Why does a criminal commit murder? Why was the random person on the street rude to you?

You can spend your life wondering about reasons behind people’s poor behaviour, but it amounts to nothing. All you can control is yourself.

@AnaViaSalamanca

You are asking the worng question. What does it matter why he does it? It matters why you continue to take it.

Why does a thief steal? Why does a criminal commit murder? Why was the random person on the street rude to you?

You can spend your life wondering about reasons behind people’s poor behaviour, but it amounts to nothing. All you can control is yourself.

I'm not sure I agree. Thats one philosophy, but I'm curious about the psychology behind it. Understanding it will not change the situation or the outcome, but it will help me to get out with fewer emotional scars and less tattered self esteem

And may help me to recognise similar warning signs in future

@crazyrabbitladtly I'd like to understand why too. I do think in general that a lot of women like to have as much detail as possible even if it hurts and we think it helps us process experiences, something to do with being more mature emotionally maybe? I am sure there are men like this too but I haven't come across any, the ones I know tend to move on quickly initially but then try to come back when they think it has all blown over and they might have a another chance.

@justhadtopost thanks, yes understanding the behaviour at least might (will) show me it's not me, it's him. Maybe that's why women are better at not repeating patterns than men!

Also, why, if they feel like that about you, are they so desperate not to lose you? What does love feel like to them? They don't want to lose you because they love you. But they make you feel broken/depressed/anxious etc so they can't love you? Why do they want you around?

I believe often they don't want to lose you because they are so cracked, so fractured, that any type of rejection shatters their egos. And rejection to them can be anything. Not even us breaking up with them. Simply us disagreeing with an opinion they have on something publically. Or prioritising doing something else (eg: revising for an exam that is happening the very next day) over meeting them.

Looking back over whilst I've seen of them over the years...they have no real sense if self. I dont know if it's as noticeable from romantic partners but when I look at say, the female ones who were in 'friend' roles...they would take on my likes and hobbies and turn them into a competition.

Like they were trying YOU on. Like you or I would try on a jacket.

Ive also seen the male ones change their whole style and appearance to mimic their current love target.

Anyway, I digress lol. But basically...they need people because they are empty. They need people like mirrors need people to reflect. Because without someone to reflect, there is nothing in them.

I think as fascinating as they are...we can never truly hope to understand them because they are nothing like us. Because they are soulless. Because if you could truly see into the heart of them... theres nothing really there. And they know it. And that's why they want us. Or rather, want to take us from us.

@Wanderlusto now that you mention it I have had friends like that too. I have never put them in the same category but what you have said has definitely given me something to think about, thank you. I look at my most recent ex as being very shallow, he doesn't want to feel anything or deal with anything that doesn't make him feel good in that moment. The amount of energy that goes in to avoiding any depth in life, love and whatever else could be used in such a good way too if he was able to.

Are you writing an article about this ?

Yeh they are cut from the same cloth. I'm actually really careful of people who seem to have their finger in many pies hobby-wise now. Because I always wonder if somewhere around them, there is or was, some other poor unsuspecting pal in their life who actually enjoyed that hobby...before they came along and sucked all the fun out of it.

Then again thats not to say some people dont just have a lot of hobbies. Or want to enjoy what their friends are into.

But of course the key difference is that normal friends don't turn everything into a competition. Or start stealing your identity.

@LeibnizQueen

Are you writing an article about this ?

Haha a book actually.

Though I write more of it on here than I ever do on micrisoft word xD

They are sociopaths that’s why. Narcissists, damaged, wiring in the brain gone wrong, sex addicts, none of them good!

My now ex showed his true colours around 2 years in. I was naive and missed many red flags and if I questioned anything he’d gaslight me, or tell me everything I wanted to hear. It’s taken me a year & therapy to get over it. Can’t believe people like this exist, but they do. I drove myself mad trying to understand but in the end read a quote from a police detective that said after years of trying to understand sociopathic, psychopathic people he had to stop and just realised you can’t understand them. Just get away (if you are the victim). Once I read this I could let go.
He’s with another lovely girl now, a widow, I feel so bad for her but what can I do?
Awful people. Never gets better, only gets much worse.

It's a power thing - that's why they don't want to lose you. If you make the decision to end it, you are taking the power away from them.

Also, you're assuming that if he doesn't love you he wouldn't want to be with you, he'd want to be with someone he loves. But if he's genuinely a sociopath (which he may not be - it's one possible explanation) then he won't care about that because he knows he'll never really love anyone so he may as well stay with someone he doesn't love.

Textbook narcissist

I've looked up narcissist many times and it doesn't quite fit.

It has crossed my mind he may be autistic. My brother is and I see some similarities. The lack of empathy and the inability to consider how I might be feeling, particularly when he says hurtful things. He seems genuinely oblivious to the effect his words may have.

People are so complex. He isn't Bad or Good. He has many traits. I think he's as confused as me about why he behaves like he does, and why it elicits the reactions it does from me.

I often feel sorry for him! It's like he is clueless as to how to behave. But even as I write all this I am constantly aware that it isn't my problem to fix! I'm just not quite ready yet to leave. But I'm learning a lot, this thread is eye opening, though I may not agree with everything people have said, it brings lots of different people's experiences together

@Wanderlusto are you describing what you'd call a narcissist, a sociopath or something else in your recent long post? Sorry on phone so can't look back. You refer to them being like mirrors, needing someone to reflect.

While it's not always genuine is he able to see his behaviour and acknowledge he is I the wrong.

Do consider covert narcissism. Quite different and in someways more deadly as it really messes with your head.

Men and women both do it.

There isn't one single reason.

Sometimes people do it deliberately to mess with your head.

Sometimes they genuinely feel/mean it but lose the feeling as quickly as it comes on.

Sometimes they genuinely mean it but find relationships hard.

Some people think it's what the other person wants to hear.

I was being more specific to a narcissist.

As for autism I cant say I know much. However I have dated two men (and I suspect a third) with it over the years and both were obsessive texters. Like 30+ texts a day, every day ect... I couldn't get beyond a month or so with either as they were not respecting the space I was asking for (ask them not to text as much and they would choose to call instead. Tell them the call were too much and they would reduce for a time but steadily increase again within the week ect).

I have a close friend I grew up with who has it and notice she find reassurance in repetition (eg: asking questions she already knows the answer to). So perhaps that's what it was for them.

Obsessive/full on contact and not respecting boundaries can definately be part of love bombing.

However...its hard to explain but I dobt think I could ever confuse autism and narcissism. I know some autistic ppl are supposed to struggle with empathy for example...but its never been my experience of them. Nor would have any people with it I've known, been capable of the real intricacies of love bombing, I think. Of course autism is very diverse in how it affects people I'm sure.

But it wouldn't be my first guess in a love bomber. Perhaps because there's a fuck ton of cluster b personalities out there that all do it.