Love bombing, what?

[crazyrabbitladtly]

Can anyone tell me why men might do this? And I just read the phrase 'future faking' (on another thread, but not a TAAT). I was the recipient of both. I'm still with him, up to my neck, 2 years on but he's so different. Emotionally absent, dismissive, irritable. But every now and then turns on the charm enough to prevent me really getting a hold of those behaviours.

It makes me wonder if it's me, but I'm 95% sure it's not. It's so confusing.

I'm not looking for advice on what to do (I am still considering my options). I'm trying to understand the mentality behind it. I feel like he doesn't WANT to be like this with me. He tries to make it up to me but his mask slips over and over again.

Also, technically you could have autism and also be a narcissist.

😂 I'm more confused than ever! But this is all helping in a strange way. He feels empathy, as does my brother actually. A fundamental aspect of his character is he is very fearful. Not overtly, he appears self contained and assertive. But he's constantly anticipating disaster and danger. He so cautious. I think this makes him brittle and uptight.

Narcissistic people are cruel. Heartless. Controlling. Mean. You’ll know the difference. Their faces literally change and eyes become sterile when they are on one.

Well that definitely happens! His eyes go sort of dark.

It happens when he loses his temper. He never shouts or threatens me but he becomes very cold and quietly angry. Starey. Often I don't even realise I've triggered him until I see this happen. It's usually when I've challenged him on something or he feels threatened in some way.

@Wanderlusto

I think they see the... light, I suppose, in other people and think if they acquire that person then they will also acquire that light for themselves. But when they realise they cant take it from you, they absolutely hate you for it. And when their sort hate you, they seek to break you. They are jealous and spiteful.

All you can do is get as far away from it as possible. Toxic spreads. There is no fixing it. No filling the void. You will never be able to give enough of you that they are satiated. And even if you could, it is not your job to do so. It is your job to protect yourself from people who want to either steal your light...or crush it.

This. They have something missing and they know it. When they meet people who are whole and they have influence over them they try to make themselves feel better by reducing you down to below them.

This is why they isolate you and work on you until you think you are losing the plot.

You have to walk away.

@crazyrabbitladtly

It happens when he loses his temper. He never shouts or threatens me but he becomes very cold and quietly angry. Starey. Often I don't even realise I've triggered him until I see this happen. It's usually when I've challenged him on something or he feels threatened in some way.

That's another thing that narcissists do. They have this predatory stare when they are targeting you but they also stare at you when they are having their silent rages.

I'm not sure if he sounds like a narcissist or sociopath, but it sounds like intermittent reinforcement...he probably has some kind of disordered attachment style or what about borderline personality disorder, in relationships people with that will often push people away but then panic at the thought of losing them.

but I'm curious about the psychology behind it. Understanding it will not change the situation or the outcome, but it will help me to get out with fewer emotional scars and less tattered self esteem

It really won't
You won't start to heal until you are out and free from him and that is the truth.
All you need to understand right now is that it's not you, it's not a reflection of you and it's nothing you did.
You need to shift the focus away from why he does things to why you are staying in this relationship.

@user1481840227 yes you are right, I can see this. Why does it feel so frightening? It's such a shock, I feel grief that none of it was what it appeared to be. Thank you for that advice though, I hope to take it, I just don't feel ready immediately. But I'm on the right track.

It's perfectly normal to feel frightened when you want to end a relationship like that.
It's scary because you've been used to dealing with someone close to you that you can't make sense of and you don't know what mood they're going to be in or you might be walking on eggshells and you're used to highs and lows and it just makes you feel very unsafe to feel like you know someone and then you don't. It's scary because deep down you feel like it's going to be difficult to trust others afterwards.
It's also scary because when you have a relationship with highs and lows it's like an addiction so even though you want to give up the bad parts you'll still crave the good parts for a while.

It's also normal to feel grief and a sense of loss because you didn't get what you thought you were going to have with him and the life you were promised didn't materialise.

Your feelings are all completely normal for someone in your relationship dynamic.

I know you don't feel ready immediately but please be aware that the longer you stay in a relationship like that the worse those feelings get and the more it disorientates you, even if you feel like you are aware of what's going on it still causes damage the longer you stay...so if you're not ready to end it immediately, then please let it be soon

@LadyCatStark - bang on. My covert narcissist exdh was so heartbroken, lost, really annoyed I finally figured him out But don't worry! He has pulled himself together admirably, and within 16 months has already lined up/proposed to my replacement. My heart breaks for her if/when the mask comes off. It's so lovely to know our 2 decade marriage was born of my inherent special qualities and not the fact that I happened to be there, said 'yes' and came with a handy built-in 'no boundaries' setting.

OP, I do get that it's hard to leave, but can you help us understand what is keeping you there, now you have realised there is no future in this relationship? Are you tied together financially or in practical ways? Are you worried about hurting him, or disappointing your friends and family? Do you still have feelings of guilt - maybe you blame yourself or feel like you would be 'giving up' if you ended it? Are you worried about being single?

@crazyrabbitladtly, totally empathise about the grief aspect. I will NEVER think I made the wrong choice in leaving, but I am really struggling with the notion that the relationship was all a lie, that I could have been so taken in for so long. My first real step to leaving was the moment I realised he knew exactly what he was doing, how upsetting his behaviour was to me and our children, but he just couldn't give a shit. Like my ex, I'm pretty certain that if your partner didn't want to treat you the way he does, then he wouldn't.

I was so beaten down that for the longest time I refused to even consider leaving as a viable option. The best I could manage was the thought that statistically, he was likely to die first so I may get a few happy years at the end of my life. That kind of thinking looks insane to me now, but I was so demoralised and afraid.

The love bombing - the reason he did this is because if he'd shown you who he really was at the beginning you wouldn't have wanted him. So he showers you with all this attention and affection to reel you in. Then when he thinks he's got you - married, living together, pregnant or suchlike he can show his true colours as it now hard for you to leave.

I really hope you find the strength to leave him OP. Why waste any more time on a situation that makes you unhappy?

I'm going to reply one at a time. I know it's annoying but it's helping me order my thoughts. I'm so grateful to you all for sharing advice, wisdom and experiences. And for caring.

@user1481840227

It's perfectly normal to feel frightened when you want to end a relationship like that. It's scary because you've been used to dealing with someone close to you that you can't make sense of and you don't know what mood they're going to be in or you might be walking on eggshells and you're used to highs and lows and it just makes you feel very unsafe to feel like you know someone and then you don't. It's scary because deep down you feel like it's going to be difficult to trust others afterwards. It's also scary because when you have a relationship with highs and lows it's like an addiction so even though you want to give up the bad parts you'll still crave the good parts for a while.

It's also normal to feel grief and a sense of loss because you didn't get what you thought you were going to have with him and the life you were promised didn't materialise.

Your feelings are all completely normal for someone in your relationship dynamic.

I know you don't feel ready immediately but please be aware that the longer you stay in a relationship like that the worse those feelings get and the more it disorientates you, even if you feel like you are aware of what's going on it still causes damage the longer you stay...so if you're not ready to end it immediately, then please let it be soon

I feel every word of this. I'm kept reeled in by the memory of how it was, the hope of how it might be again - I can feel myself still trying to make him like me like he used to. I am utterly aware of how ridiculous and insane that is. But everything you say is true.

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@LadyCatStark - bang on. My covert narcissist exdh was so heartbroken, lost, really annoyed I finally figured him out But don't worry! He has pulled himself together admirably, and within 16 months has already lined up/proposed to my replacement. My heart breaks for her if/when the mask comes off. It's so lovely to know our 2 decade marriage was born of my inherent special qualities and not the fact that I happened to be there, said 'yes' and came with a handy built-in 'no boundaries' setting.[/quote]
That's so sad. I'm so sorry. Do you feel it has left you permanently damaged?

@Silverfly

OP, I do get that it's hard to leave, but can you help us understand what is keeping you there, now you have realised there is no future in this relationship? Are you tied together financially or in practical ways? Are you worried about hurting him, or disappointing your friends and family? Do you still have feelings of guilt - maybe you blame yourself or feel like you would be 'giving up' if you ended it? Are you worried about being single?

Ok, good questions. We live together, so practically it will be a little complicated. We have pets. Nothing insurmountable practically.

I was alone prior to meeting him. It was... ok but I was so happy to meet someone, especially someone so intoxicating. I don't prefer being alone. Yes, I guess to a lesser extent what friends and family will think (though they may be 😅). But also my feelings for him. I'm still clinging to some hope that he might, I don't know, change? That I can talk to him about all this. But why? I'm not sure. Easier I guess?

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@crazyrabbitladtly, totally empathise about the grief aspect. I will NEVER think I made the wrong choice in leaving, but I am really struggling with the notion that the relationship was all a lie, that I could have been so taken in for so long. My first real step to leaving was the moment I realised he knew exactly what he was doing, how upsetting his behaviour was to me and our children, but he just couldn't give a shit. Like my ex, I'm pretty certain that if your partner didn't want to treat you the way he does, then he wouldn't.[/quote]
Your last sentence resonates with me. I can hear myself saying this to him at some point when he gaslights me when we try to talk about this

@everythingbackbutyou

I was so beaten down that for the longest time I refused to even consider leaving as a viable option. The best I could manage was the thought that statistically, he was likely to die first so I may get a few happy years at the end of my life. That kind of thinking looks insane to me now, but I was so demoralised and afraid.

Wow. That's so sad, I'm definitely not that entrenched. It feels more like when than if

@XiCi

The love bombing - the reason he did this is because if he'd shown you who he really was at the beginning you wouldn't have wanted him. So he showers you with all this attention and affection to reel you in. Then when he thinks he's got you - married, living together, pregnant or suchlike he can show his true colours as it now hard for you to leave.

I really hope you find the strength to leave him OP. Why waste any more time on a situation that makes you unhappy?

This makes sense. How foolish I have been. It's just so seductive. I'm a fool! Good question, I need to think hard about what's keeping me here. Really.

@crazyrabbitladtly I hope not permanently. However, I cannot currently contemplate entering into another relationship. I can't trust that a seemingly great person is the way they appear. When I met my xdh I thought he was the opposite of my personality disordered mother. Later, I realised to my horror that they were peas in a pod.

OP I’ve got a diagnosed personality disorder. I’m (very) medicated and healthy now but in the past I’ve treated people appallingly in relationships and I think I have love bombed. In my case, I genuinely didn’t realise what I was doing was so damaging. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it because I gravitated to other people with trauma and problems. Since being in therapy for over a year and taking meds I understand it so much more clearly.

In a nutshell, my behaviour was born from a deep self-hatred and need for validation. I got my self esteem from the thought of someone loving me. I would get attached and obsessed very quickly because I was desperate to get to the bit where they loved me. I did exhibit controlling behaviours when I felt this dynamic was threatened. Once they had actually grown to quite like me I realised that I didn’t really like them, I’d just dived into something because they were nice, showed interest in me and I thought I’d be fixed by someone loving me. There was absolutely nothing wrong with these people. They were attractive, kind, intelligent, caring and decent people and I got hooked on that and tried to create a fairytale in a matter of weeks. Of course that was never going to work. So when I realised that, I hadn’t actually built a genuine connection with them, I’d become hostile, cruel and standoffish and dump them. Then when I dumped them I wanted them to beg me not to, again, for validation. It was my problem, not theirs. As I said I’ve also had it happen to me so I know how painful it is. Despite not being cognisant of the effects of my behaviour or even realising they were unhealthy I still would classify it as abusive.

I’m not saying everyone who love bombs is unaware of it - some may just be malicious abusers who enjoy control. That’s just my personal experience. (I’m a woman, btw)

@TedMullins wow this is exactly the sort of thing I'm so interested to read. It sounds very like him. May I ask what condition you have please? I am sorry to hear about this for you, it must be very hard. Well done for getting help to feel better.

I know I need to not think I can/want to 'fix' him but I do need to explore all this to reach the right conclusion.