Love bombing, what?

[crazyrabbitladtly]

Can anyone tell me why men might do this? And I just read the phrase 'future faking' (on another thread, but not a TAAT). I was the recipient of both. I'm still with him, up to my neck, 2 years on but he's so different. Emotionally absent, dismissive, irritable. But every now and then turns on the charm enough to prevent me really getting a hold of those behaviours.

It makes me wonder if it's me, but I'm 95% sure it's not. It's so confusing.

I'm not looking for advice on what to do (I am still considering my options). I'm trying to understand the mentality behind it. I feel like he doesn't WANT to be like this with me. He tries to make it up to me but his mask slips over and over again.

@everythingbackbutyou I feel the same about another relationship. I'm sure there is some interesting psychology behind him being like your mother, and you gravitating towards him. I'm so sorry for you.

@TedMullins

OP I’ve got a diagnosed personality disorder. I’m (very) medicated and healthy now but in the past I’ve treated people appallingly in relationships and I think I have love bombed. In my case, I genuinely didn’t realise what I was doing was so damaging. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it because I gravitated to other people with trauma and problems. Since being in therapy for over a year and taking meds I understand it so much more clearly.

In a nutshell, my behaviour was born from a deep self-hatred and need for validation. I got my self esteem from the thought of someone loving me. I would get attached and obsessed very quickly because I was desperate to get to the bit where they loved me. I did exhibit controlling behaviours when I felt this dynamic was threatened. Once they had actually grown to quite like me I realised that I didn’t really like them, I’d just dived into something because they were nice, showed interest in me and I thought I’d be fixed by someone loving me. There was absolutely nothing wrong with these people. They were attractive, kind, intelligent, caring and decent people and I got hooked on that and tried to create a fairytale in a matter of weeks. Of course that was never going to work. So when I realised that, I hadn’t actually built a genuine connection with them, I’d become hostile, cruel and standoffish and dump them. Then when I dumped them I wanted them to beg me not to, again, for validation. It was my problem, not theirs. As I said I’ve also had it happen to me so I know how painful it is. Despite not being cognisant of the effects of my behaviour or even realising they were unhealthy I still would classify it as abusive.

I’m not saying everyone who love bombs is unaware of it - some may just be malicious abusers who enjoy control. That’s just my personal experience. (I’m a woman, btw)

I keep re reading this. Is your condition a result of childhood trauma? He definitely had a disordered relationship with his parents. It really fits for me, what you've said, thank you for sharing.

So I’ve been diagnosed with EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder). Yes, I did have childhood trauma, I wouldn’t call it severe but I had a very difficult relationship with my dad. And no, you absolutely cannot fix him. He won’t change unless he realises he has a problem and addresses it. Regardless of whether he has a mental health condition or underlying causes, the way he treats you isn’t excusable. you don’t deserve it. I would advise walking away. He is also very unlikely to be able to address his behaviour while in a relationship. I’m now single by choice because I realised romantic relationships were a huge trigger for me. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to form a healthy attachment or enjoy dating in the way a ‘normal’ person would.

@TedMullins thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry for you, that's tragic. It also illustrates a difference between men and women. I'm sure a man would not have so much insight or wisdom or courage to explore and try to understand himself.

I have looked at the different personality disorders, he fits one beautifully. It's helped, somehow. It makes sense one. I can't thank you enough for sharing your experiences with me 🤗

@TedMullins, what wonderful insight. What triggered you to get diagnosed? How does empty feel to you?

@crazyrabbitladtly, I had a similar need to understand Ex's behaviour, it's just the way my brain works and it's was helpful for my recovery. From my understanding the love bombing is "genuine" because at the start of the relationship there is infatuation and admiration. It is more intense for a person with PD because the admiration is essential (akin to oxygen supply). They will mirror the new partner, adopting behaviours and hobbies so it feels like you have met your soul mate. I think this mirroring is conscious and manipulative but perhaps not vindictive, just learned behaviour from a childhood where they had to mirror to be accepted by an abusive parent.

Over time infatuation declines and the reality of a relationship hits, the partner starts to lose shine and gloss and annoyingly has needs. The admiration wanes

Posted too soon..

So the partner with PD becomes bored and returns to feeling empty. They can feel tricked by their partner who isn't as perfect as they thought and they resent their partner for having needs. This is where the controlling behaviour kicks in as they can't handle a partner being a separate individual. Over time resentment builds to the point that the partner with PD believes they are a victim. They may have affairs at this time since they feel entitled to attention.

Narcisstic individuals lack emotional empathy but they may have learned empathy which is the ability to say the right thing but without any genuine concern. This kept me in the marriage longer as he could demonstrate empathy but I learned it wasn't sincere. He was extremely good at image management. Another hangover from his childhood where he learned to present a good image outside of the home, despite the chaos and abuse going on behind closed doors.

The underlying cause of PD isn't known, it's widely believed to be a combination of genetics and nurture. It is common for partners to incorrectly assume ASD, when it is a PD . It is assumed that PD is not that rare 10-15% of population but not formally diagnosed as Ex would never have gone for a diagnosis.

Don’t be sorry, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I’m very lucky to now be at a stage where I have wonderful friends who support and fulfil me emotionally, I have a great career and I’ve just bought a flat that I can’t wait to decorate and make into my dream home. My two dogs entertain (and annoy ) me every day. I love my own space, I enjoy being selfish and indulging my needs and I’m very, very content single. If I spend the rest of my life single that doesn’t scare or upset me - I quite like the thought of ageing into a badass pensioner with blue hair who runs an art class for older single ladies or something. Or moving in with another single friend when we hit our twilight years. I’m lucky to have several other single friends and I also don’t want kids and have a very low sex drive due to my medication so there honestly is not a relationship-shaped hole in my life. If I ever did have one I don’t think I’d ever want to live together, I like my autonomy and space too much.

As for what compelled me to get diagnosed and get treatment, I’d known for years something was wrong. I basically got dumped by everyone I dated (except the ones I dumped as described above, but the times I was the dumpee far outnumber the times I did the dumping). I spent years thinking it was me, I must have been intrinsically defective and unloveable. Then I started reading mumsnet! It was honestly reading through the relationships section and stately homes thread and seeing descriptions of abusive dynamics from parents that made me face up to the stuff that was wrong in my upbringing. Then things started to kind of click, I’ve always been very self analytical and curious so I did more reading and discovered attachment theory and psychoanalysis. Then I started going to psychodynamic therapy when I was able to afford it privately because the NHS kept fobbing me off with CBT. The diagnosis came from a psychiatrist who I was unfortunately only referred to after a suicide attempt. It wasn’t my first, I’d been hospitalised for mental health issues several times before but still never managed to get referred. This time I asked to be, well, demanded. I’m now on some strong antipsychotics as well as antidepressants and the difference is phenomenal. I love myself and my life so much more.

It's not a man vs woman thing though - it's that narcissists and sociopaths would never feel they had a problem to begin with so would have no interest in attending therapy.

People with eupd are more likely to seek help for the disorder. But they also tend to benefit better from therapy too. Where as narcissists for example, would probably just use what they learn in order to better manipulate other people.

@Wanderlusto, 100%, Ex H went to counselling but used it to validate his feelings. At one stage his counsellor was trying to help him understand "his feelings were not facts", this is because he had explained some situations (where in his mind he was the victim) and she was trying to help him understand he might over react. He didn't accept this for himself but used it against me so anytime I was upset he would trot out, your feelings are not facts.

I've had to learn that some people don't have empathy but as I mentioned earlier they can mimic empathy. I still struggle with the concept because it's hard to imagine but I now try to accept it, in the same way I can't personally relate to something like dyslexia but know it's real. Dyslexia impacts the person whereas lack of empathy hurts everyone that they get close to.

@Fireflygal, totally my experience too. The image management and the saying the right thing as damage control. There was one incident in a coffee shop where he spoke to me like crap and the people at the next table were exchanging embarrassed glances. I don't think he would have dreamed of talking to me like that in front of his boss or anyone he was trying to impress. I guess in the coffee shop situation he didn't have to care what anyone thought of him. When we separated he wrote me a long letter detailing what he had learned, what he had done wrong, blah blah. Thank God I had done my research on covert narcissism, otherwise I may have been overcome with joy that he finally 'got it' and things would be different from now on.

BobbuhT you nailed it!

Are you sure he isn't having an affair or is interested in pursuing another woman?

This thread has been so helpful, especially @justhadtopost comments.

Thank you for starting it OP, and to all who have commented.

I've (finally) just ended my 4 year relationship after six weeks of silent treatment and then received a 12 page email highlighting all the good bits . This thread has helped me to see that it's not me, it's him.

@Justanothernametoday glad that my comments have been useful, it's nice to feel that something helpful has come out of this horrible experience. I am also very grateful to the other posters that have contributed although I am sorry that they have gone through it. The fact that they are sharing their experiences does help as they understand where you are coming from.

@Justanothernametoday
Hope you are ok... it does get better. I ended my 3 yr one a year ago. It took a while to get over it all, I was always so glad I did end it, but I had PTSD for a while. Take it easy..

@Journeynotdestination thank you, I'm ok. Finding it hard not to be drawn back in as he's trying so hard and ignoring/forgetting all the times he sulked and ignored me.

I've written all the bad times own and keep re-reading it when I'm wobbling.