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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve fucked everything up

87 replies

TitOverArse · 14/04/2021 21:35

Dh and I split at the end of 2019. No cheating on either side but I had a lot of resentment as he took a big promotion without telling me when dc were tiny meaning I was left to look after dc alone and couldn’t return to my job. I never really got over that and he couldn’t cope with me being angry with him all the time, ended up in separate rooms, no sex for years until it all blew up and I asked him to leave.

It was tough for dc and me for the first few months. Dh quickly moved on with a much younger woman which I struggled with and kept letting dc down. Then in about July I randomly bumped into an old friend from uni and we started seeing each other and everything seemed really great. New man met dc at the beginning of this year, they got on really well, I met his dc and we got on too. Everything seemed to be going really well.

But also in January DH starts appearing a lot again. Really making an effort with dc, being really nice to me. He wrote me several long letters explaining how sorry he was that marriage hadn’t worked, he knew he’d made mistakes and all he wanted to do was to make sure I was happy, etc. etc. He’d been dumped by younger girlfriend, obviously.

Long story short a few weeks ago I ended it with new man and exdh moved back in. We haven’t kissed or slept together or anything. He’s back in his old bedroom. Kids are really, really happy we’re back together. Dh spent yesterday with them booking a big holiday for us for Christmas and they made a little presentation to tell me about it. We all sat down last night together and had a takeaway and watched a film and it was all lovely.

But I just keep crying. I don’t want this. I am completely in love with the man I was seeing. I don’t want to kiss Dh, I don’t want him to touch me. The thought of going on holiday with him just leaves me completely cold. It will be lovely to spend time in the sun with dc but then as soon as they’re asleep I just want to get away and be on my own. But I can’t leave him again. I can’t do that to the dc after everything I’ve already put them through. I don’t think the man I was seeing would even answer the phone to me, let alone consider giving us another go if I told him how I really felt.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve once again tried to make everyone happy and I’m going to fuck it all up just because it’s not what I want.

OP posts:
MindGrapes · 14/04/2021 21:39

Well, what happened during "long story short" that made you decide to end it with the other man? What sort of relationship do you and dh think you have/expect to have?

User12340987 · 14/04/2021 21:46

Not got much advice but I’m really sorry you’re going through this turmoil. How are terms with the ex? It all seems a bit fast to moving back in and holidays, is there a chance you could give it some time to see how you feel?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 14/04/2021 21:50

Well yes, you have fucked everything up but that doesn't mean it has to stay fucked up.

Tell ExDH you don't love him any more and you want to split up. Mean it. Leave him, get divorced, split fully and completely.

Yes, you probably have lost the other guy because of what's happened. But that doesn't mean that you have to stay with your Ex. There are more than two men in the world.

Mumkins42 · 14/04/2021 22:01

Really feel for you. You probably feel sick inside over it all and it must be a nightmare pretending for your little one. There is no huge urgency. Just stop, pause and take a breath. Be 100% certain you don't want DH. It sounds as if you feel certain it's over. How would you feel if the guy you started seeing never gave you a second chance? Would you still be happy to part with DH. I know it's going to be hard on the kids but you need to do what you need for yourself and kids will adjust. They will suffer in the end if you're desperately unhappy. Don't punish yourself. Just take time to get your head really clear on what you want and how to do it. You don't have to commit to Christmas holiday either. Tell DH you need time, this is too fast. He needs to respect this. Sounds like he's bulldozing you into long term commitments like this holiday. Not fair to do that

Zigzag77 · 14/04/2021 22:05

What made you take him back so quickly if you weren’t feeling so sure?

Aprilshowersandhail · 14/04/2021 22:15

I was you op. Over 20 years ago.. Fell for exes shit he had changed ploy.. Always regretted not giving it a real go with the new bf I had met.

Move forward not back. Take the plunge with your new man.

RachelRavenRoth · 14/04/2021 22:21

Long story short

How did you go from knowing he was sniffing around again because he has been dumped, to dumping the man you love and moving the man you cannot stand back in?

lulujuju · 14/04/2021 22:30

I think we need to know the long story OP. Why did you dump the new man?

Guavafish · 14/04/2021 22:36

Do you think you could get marriage counselling to help you navigate your feelings?

Singlenotsingle · 14/04/2021 22:37

Just make sure he stays in his old bedroom, and don't let him think everything's back on track. Yes he can stay, but I don't think you can ever really go back once one or both of you has moved on.

something2say · 14/04/2021 22:44

Hello there.

I too think, move forward not back. Nothing I've ever gone back to has ever worked. It'll be ok in the end.

If you think the new man might still hold a candle for you, contact him and explain your feelings and tell him you'll be out of it in a few weeks and would he try again?

Meanwhile it may be a possible idea for you to limit happy family charades, as at the very least that can be stopped now so as to give no false impressions.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/04/2021 22:51

What's the full story here?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2021 22:54

You can’t spend the rest of your life with a man you don’t trust, don’t want to kiss is holiday with, especially when you’re in love with another man. You know that.

What would you say to a friend in your shoes?

It’s not at all clear why you ditched the man you love, and had introduced to your children, for your twatty ex who was only interested because he’d been dumped.

If you explain a bit what went on and why you made those decisions people might be able to help more.

Your pain is clear to see but something for you here and something - probably difficult but necessary decisions - will get you out again.

No to the holiday first, obviously.

How old are your DC? They’ve been through a lot of upheaval so far but one more big change is better than watching their mum and dad have a loveless marriage that’ll fail again at some point soon.

lunar1 · 14/04/2021 22:55

How old are your children?

Original poster
TitOverArse · 14/04/2021 23:03

I just stupidly believed that he’d changed. And maybe he has changed. He’s certainly stopped doing all the things that used to drive me mad and seems to be genuinely wanting to spend time with me and dc. I thought that would be enough. But I think it’s actually that I just don’t love him anymore, regardless of what he does. I spent so many years tearing my hair out about him not helping me round the house, not among an effort with the dc, the hundreds of other things that just drive you mad that I didn’t notice that at some point during that I completely fell out of love with him. The thought of kissing him turns my stomach.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitOverArse · 14/04/2021 23:03

Children are 5 and 8

OP posts:
sageflower · 14/04/2021 23:04

Why did you do this, yes your kids are happy but if he had made more of an effort before then they would of been happy and your right, he's only come back because he was dumped and you don't even love him, I would tell him just to stay until he finds somewhere else to live, there's no getting back together anyway if you haven't even exchanged a kiss.
Go and get your boyfriend back.

Roszie · 14/04/2021 23:09

How has it jumped to him moving in if you've not even kissed him?

Didn't he have anywhere to live?

You need to sort this out ASAP otherwise it's going to make you feel even worse Thanks

Sunflower1970 · 14/04/2021 23:20

Yes you’ve fucked everything up. In some ways you’ve made your bed and to save your kids any more pain you probably need to lie in it. Also, if you had loved the new man completely you wouldn’t have taken a cheating slimeball back

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2021 23:25

She clearly says no one cheated.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/04/2021 23:33

I also resented my ExH for his lack of help and not making an effort with the kids. I didn't have the guts to end it because I didn't want to upset the kids and, like you, once we did separate I relented and carried on seeing him again because I wanted the family to stay together. Now we are properly apart, it all looks a lot clearer in the rear view mirror.

My biggest regret is that my kids have a totally screwed up impression of what a marriage should look like, and of how much effort a father should put into his kids and how much support he should give their mother. I worry that their standards are pitifully low, because I didn't woman up and split up when I should have done. You're not doing your kids any favours by staying with a man who doesn't deserve them or you.

Washingtofold · 14/04/2021 23:35

I’m not sure why you went back to ex and dumped the other man because you don’t say and that makes it really hard to get the full picture here

But anyway .... your not happy with your ex so that part seems obvious . You need to end that and keep it ended . As for the other man , he may not speak with you again but this should not be your reason for staying or not with husband
You need to move on and start rebuilding a life that’s in alignment with your emotions and what you want , whether than is with the bf who you ended things with , someone new or single
The one thing that seems clear is that it’s not with the ex husband

Bul21ia · 14/04/2021 23:48

How did you leave things with the new man? Why did you end with him if you liked him.

@Roszie good point!

MimiDaisy11 · 14/04/2021 23:51

There aren't just two possible partners for you. While you might not be able to get back with the man you left - you seem sure you can't so I think there's a story there you're not sharing. However, whether you can get back with the man or not shouldn't influence your relationship with your husband. If you don't want to be with him then end it. Don't go on drifting in limbo for a year or two. It'll only get worse and harder to leave.

ConstantlyChanging · 14/04/2021 23:54

Why on earth didn't you date before moving back in? It's utterly weird that you are in separate rooms and haven't even kissed.

You are going to hurt the kids now but that's inevitable so you may as well do it soon.