I’ve fucked everything up

[TitOverArse]

Dh and I split at the end of 2019. No cheating on either side but I had a lot of resentment as he took a big promotion without telling me when dc were tiny meaning I was left to look after dc alone and couldn’t return to my job. I never really got over that and he couldn’t cope with me being angry with him all the time, ended up in separate rooms, no sex for years until it all blew up and I asked him to leave.

It was tough for dc and me for the first few months. Dh quickly moved on with a much younger woman which I struggled with and kept letting dc down. Then in about July I randomly bumped into an old friend from uni and we started seeing each other and everything seemed really great. New man met dc at the beginning of this year, they got on really well, I met his dc and we got on too. Everything seemed to be going really well.

But also in January DH starts appearing a lot again. Really making an effort with dc, being really nice to me. He wrote me several long letters explaining how sorry he was that marriage hadn’t worked, he knew he’d made mistakes and all he wanted to do was to make sure I was happy, etc. etc. He’d been dumped by younger girlfriend, obviously.

Long story short a few weeks ago I ended it with new man and exdh moved back in. We haven’t kissed or slept together or anything. He’s back in his old bedroom. Kids are really, really happy we’re back together. Dh spent yesterday with them booking a big holiday for us for Christmas and they made a little presentation to tell me about it. We all sat down last night together and had a takeaway and watched a film and it was all lovely.

But I just keep crying. I don’t want this. I am completely in love with the man I was seeing. I don’t want to kiss Dh, I don’t want him to touch me. The thought of going on holiday with him just leaves me completely cold. It will be lovely to spend time in the sun with dc but then as soon as they’re asleep I just want to get away and be on my own. But I can’t leave him again. I can’t do that to the dc after everything I’ve already put them through. I don’t think the man I was seeing would even answer the phone to me, let alone consider giving us another go if I told him how I really felt.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve once again tried to make everyone happy and I’m going to fuck it all up just because it’s not what I want.

@Lassy1945

*new man understood*

This speaks volumes.
He didn’t fight for you?

Imagine the opposite scenario on here. A single woman, no kids, meets a recently separated guy. A few months in she runs back to her ExH and he's left broken hearted. If the woman posted on here would you really be advising her to fight for him??! 🤯

No dis-respect OP. Sympathise with your situation and hope it all works out for you & DCs. Maybe you will end up back with the new man if he can forgive but my point is that I don't think he can be criticised for not fighting for you!

@Creepygnochi

Your children need you to do what's best for YOU

Yeah, no. This is a lie we tell ourselves to justify what is an inherently traumatic act on our children. Unless there is abuse going on, it's typically not what's in the best interest of the children in any way, shape, or form to come from a broken home. It's especially not in the child's best interest to live with a step-parents, which is the number one indicatication that a child will experience abuse or be the victim of homocide before the age of 12. But whatever, life is life, and if the bandaid is ripped of quickly, negative effects can be minimized to a certain degree.

This is not ripping the bandaid off quickly. This is the opposite of ripping the bandaid off quickly. This is tearing the corner of the bandaid up then slapping it back down again, over and over again. If you believe this isn't going to irrevocably damage these children, you are deluded. If you want to leave, you don't get to rip the bandaid off this time. You remove it with surgical precision, and that may take a couple of years. Anything else is pure selfishness and a gross disregard for the children who have no choice in their life and emotions being thrown around like a pack of playing cards every other month.

@Creepygbochi are you seriously saying that unless a woman is being abused she should stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of her kids? And that if the woman decides to leave she's increasing the chance of her kid being abused or a victim of homicide???!

Don't agree with your first point at all but know some people are of that view. Your second point blows my mind!!!!!!

So, I had an exH who never abused me but had a full blown affair when my DC was 2 months old, I found out after a full year. So I should've stayed with him otherwise my child has a higher chance of being abused or killed? Seriously??!

@Lassy1945

*new man understood*

This speaks volumes.
He didn’t fight for you?

Sorry I got my "he" and "she" the wrong way round in my post below. You get the point tho.

If a recently separated man ditched his new partner of a few months to run back to his exDP leaving her broken hearted. If the woman posted on here every single response on here would be to tell her to forget him and move on, definitely not to fight for him. Yet the man is being criticised for not fighting for her?

It's complete double standards to always expect men to fight for women.

I think you need to get some counselling and emotional help. Stop crying. You made all of these choices, bad or otherwise. The idea is that you do all the thinking before the choice is made not afterwards.

Your children need a strong mum and dad who now absolutely put them first. Who cares about being madly in love with whoever at this stage. Just stop. Stop romanticising every thing. You and your ex have to create a safe and loving environment for your kids. You can't just cry and blame him or go down the self-pity route. Just face up to it. It's not bloody Wuthering Heights.

Be a good parent and a decent housemate. Slowly but calmly have your ex move back into the flat as lockdown eases. Let the kids feel confident that nothing will change for them in terms of mum and dad's love etc. Let it be a slow change minus all of the drama from the first time round. It can all work out fine. It doesn't have to be an emotionally charged ending. He already has the flat and will be returning to the office anyway so it will make sense to the kids. And leave the love interest out of things until it's all complete.

@whichwayisup

I think you need to get some counselling and emotional help. Stop crying. You made all of these choices, bad or otherwise. The idea is that you do all the thinking before the choice is made not afterwards.

Your children need a strong mum and dad who now absolutely put them first. Who cares about being madly in love with whoever at this stage. Just stop. Stop romanticising every thing. You and your ex have to create a safe and loving environment for your kids. You can't just cry and blame him or go down the self-pity route. Just face up to it. It's not bloody Wuthering Heights.

Be a good parent and a decent housemate. Slowly but calmly have your ex move back into the flat as lockdown eases. Let the kids feel confident that nothing will change for them in terms of mum and dad's love etc. Let it be a slow change minus all of the drama from the first time round. It can all work out fine. It doesn't have to be an emotionally charged ending. He already has the flat and will be returning to the office anyway so it will make sense to the kids. And leave the love interest out of things until it's all complete.

Great advice!

You need to keep future relationships well away from your children for a very long time after this mess. They are at ages where it is difficult to understand that their parents won't get back together again even if you hadn't done this.

They don't need extra adults in their life, they need consistency and stability because this will really have shaken them.

My point is that if the new man so easily understood
Then it speaks volumes to me his stance in the issue
The op has been left depressed and bereft

But perhaps she has rose tinted specs on the new relationship, given he seemed not too bothered by the end of the relationship

@Lassy1945

My point is that if the new man so easily understood Then it speaks volumes to me his stance in the issue The op has been left depressed and bereft

But perhaps she has rose tinted specs on the new relationship, given he seemed not too bothered by the end of the relationship

I’m sorry but that’s absolute crap, I’ve been the ‘new man’ before when an ex partner reappears and you get dropped like a hot potato and you never ever go back

@Lassy1945

My point is that if the new man so easily understood Then it speaks volumes to me his stance in the issue The op has been left depressed and bereft

But perhaps she has rose tinted specs on the new relationship, given he seemed not too bothered by the end of the relationship

Ah, yeah but thats the quote that the OP has made, if you spoke to him I bet he was devastated and also angry at being strung along like that. She clearly liked him, spent time together and gave him the impression they had a relationship then "poof" in a cloud of smoke she gets her ex to move back in with her. I doubt very much he easily understood. The poor sod literally had no choice but to understand and leave her to it. I have been where that man was and it is infuriating when they suddenly up and leave to the ex husband that she probably ranted about no end. He was probably very bothered but the OP has glossed it over to save more hurt inside knowing she has really done a number on him and her ex husband. Its a cautionary tale that the OP is showing us.

It would make sense to have some single time for a while now I think. The kids will have been through a lot recently so best to just take a step back from dating and focus all energies on them for the time being. There will be other opportunities for dating once a more solid routine and new norm has been established for them. The feelings for the new man are all about lust and the chemical reaction this produces. Within a couple of years that all settles down and it’s back to washing dirty boxers and slobbing in front of the Tv.

Glad you told him OP. Very wise words from whichway. Focus on the children being ok.

I really disagree with the PP who said this is all her fault? There are two in the relationship and both are/should be capable of thinking what's best for the kids. It's not her job to do all the sensible stuff, but it's often the case the woman/mum/wife has to.

I can see how you got into this, the guilt of splitting, trying your hardest to do what's right in a pressured environment. And the holiday etc is exactly what my ex would do, rush us into things, go too fast.

Good for you for speaking up tonight.