I’ve fucked everything up

[TitOverArse]

Dh and I split at the end of 2019. No cheating on either side but I had a lot of resentment as he took a big promotion without telling me when dc were tiny meaning I was left to look after dc alone and couldn’t return to my job. I never really got over that and he couldn’t cope with me being angry with him all the time, ended up in separate rooms, no sex for years until it all blew up and I asked him to leave.

It was tough for dc and me for the first few months. Dh quickly moved on with a much younger woman which I struggled with and kept letting dc down. Then in about July I randomly bumped into an old friend from uni and we started seeing each other and everything seemed really great. New man met dc at the beginning of this year, they got on really well, I met his dc and we got on too. Everything seemed to be going really well.

But also in January DH starts appearing a lot again. Really making an effort with dc, being really nice to me. He wrote me several long letters explaining how sorry he was that marriage hadn’t worked, he knew he’d made mistakes and all he wanted to do was to make sure I was happy, etc. etc. He’d been dumped by younger girlfriend, obviously.

Long story short a few weeks ago I ended it with new man and exdh moved back in. We haven’t kissed or slept together or anything. He’s back in his old bedroom. Kids are really, really happy we’re back together. Dh spent yesterday with them booking a big holiday for us for Christmas and they made a little presentation to tell me about it. We all sat down last night together and had a takeaway and watched a film and it was all lovely.

But I just keep crying. I don’t want this. I am completely in love with the man I was seeing. I don’t want to kiss Dh, I don’t want him to touch me. The thought of going on holiday with him just leaves me completely cold. It will be lovely to spend time in the sun with dc but then as soon as they’re asleep I just want to get away and be on my own. But I can’t leave him again. I can’t do that to the dc after everything I’ve already put them through. I don’t think the man I was seeing would even answer the phone to me, let alone consider giving us another go if I told him how I really felt.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve once again tried to make everyone happy and I’m going to fuck it all up just because it’s not what I want.

So contact new man and tell him that you still have feelings for him and you’ve told the ex to leave.

I think the dust needs to settle a little to be honest. Jumping without thinking is what hit OP here!

You definitely did the right thing op 💐💐💐 and you can look back and say that you really did everything possible to try to save your relationship with your dcs father- that is commendable. Please don’t beat yourself up. You did an honourable thing and tried to make your family unit whole again. You can’t help how you feel but I really think you’re amazing for trying 💞

Well done OP. That couldn't have been easy!
It'll be hard just now but so much better for you and DCs in the long run

“You definitely did the right thing op 💐💐💐 and you can look back and say that you really did everything possible to try to save your relationship with your dcs father- that is commendable. Please don’t beat yourself up. You did an honourable thing and tried to make your family unit whole again. You can’t help how you feel but I really think you’re amazing for trying 💞”

This, OP. And good on you for making clear your H needs to leave. You’ve probably just told him what he already knew.

Ah bless you.

But well done!!! That's a great start.

There's a phrase I live by.....if it's a bad job, it's best to make an end of it. Which you have just done.

Have you got anyone in real life you could pop and see?

I was a DV advisor for years and the old 'one last chance because it's the right thing to do' was common. I'd seen it all before and would be privately cynical, and it did always come to nothing, BUT I learned that women want to do it for themselves and their children and the promise they made.

Anyway enough of that; you've done it!

What's next?

You've been honest with yourself and now you've been honest with your exdh.

Put clear boundaries in place. He needs to move out again.

Once you have sorted out the mess and given the kids some time to adjust you can contact the new man and apologise.

Please stay single. You need to process all the emotions and let the children settle.

Also I think you need to improve your decision making, perhaps speak to someone as moving your Ex back in because of lockdown will have confused the children. I just think that they are old enough to know what is going on. You dating again will not help them.

In just over a year it's been dad out,new man in, dad back and now dad out again.

I'm being harsh but I can't imagine how they feel about this. My dc would have really struggled.

And now you've told him how you feel! Well done.

You will have to deal with the dc, who will be upset and confused, but you can do this. It's also your h's responsibility to ensure that he sees them regularly and does his share of parenting.

You fell for the fantasy that 'having parents together no matter what is best for children' thing as many others have. Of course it is natural to want to make it work for the kids but honestly, that isn't enough to make a marriage. You made a mistake. Tell your new man this and explain. Then tell ex-hubby to sling his hook in a nice, friendly 'you will always be my children's father' but firm way. The choice is your but ask yourself what you really want and what you can live with. Good luck.

You can’t go on like this. Tell him you had an image in tour head of your family all together and how amazing it would be. But he lost your trust and you just cannot get it back.

Start telling the children that he's only staying with you for lockdown, but now that everything is going back to normal, he can go home. And get him out.

@waitingforthenextseason

Well said. Good idea. Get the kids used to the fact sooner , the longer you leave it the worse it will be, and none of you need that heartache.

@TitOverArse
But I think it’s actually that I just don’t love him anymore, regardless of what he does.

This is the problem. And that the kids are so young.

At one point, all you wanted was for him to do and say what he's doing and saying now. BUT he didn't. And actually, you moved on. With someone you really clicked with and loved. And got a lot more pleasure from.

But then the 'dream' became a real option, and to be fair to yourself, I imagine you thought in part that you owed it to the kids.

Now you're back in time, but it's Colditz. Because you'd moved on.

I'm really sorry, OP. I don't think you should be worrying so much about him as about the kids. Now he's come back, you can't fuck them up by packing him off again.

Now I think you have to sit it out with him, for their sake, at least for the time being.

The guy you actually like may indeed want nothing to do with you. I guess you could try to talk to him, but as you say, totally understandable if he doesn't want to know.

At the moment, I think your best option is to say to DH:

We are in the house together for the kids, but we obviously don't have a relationship like that between us any more - no sex, etc. So we need to be a unit for the kids, but between us recognise that we are free to have someone else.

Then hope maybe your guy will at least consider that. And be with him again. And after some time, the best deal I guess would be that DH also finds someone. And you perhaps stay a unit, or if you move to separate homes, it's done in a controlled, planned, stressfree way for the kids.

Oh god. I got divorced eight years ago, and I have a recurring nightmare that I have given him another chance. It’s really really awful. Glad you’ve told him straight.

Well done OP! I'm pleased you found the strength to tell him.
The kids will be ok. Much better to have short term pain and confusion now than a childhood of parents living a lie. Yes you perhaps made a decision without thinking it through, but you did it with good intentions. Be kind to yourself.

Well done OP you are very brave

Argh! Do not try to get back with the new man. Just stop. Sort yourself out first. This is very cruel for everyone involved. Especially all those children. Yours and the (ex)new man's. They don't deserve to have all these people entering their lives and then leaving them.

did he leave OP 🌸

Your poor children. Yes you have fucked things up. Please stop thinking about relationships, your children have now now got over their father leaving once, met some random man and possibly also daddy's girlfriend and now daddy's back, daddy will soon go again, you're creating abandonment issues. You can't stay with someone you don't want to be with, but you've made some really poor choices and you shouldn't be sat sobbing you should be planning how to support your children through yet more emotional upheaval.

Your children need you to do what's best for YOU

Yeah, no. This is a lie we tell ourselves to justify what is an inherently traumatic act on our children. Unless there is abuse going on, it's typically not what's in the best interest of the children in any way, shape, or form to come from a broken home. It's especially not in the child's best interest to live with a step-parents, which is the number one indicatication that a child will experience abuse or be the victim of homocide before the age of 12. But whatever, life is life, and if the bandaid is ripped of quickly, negative effects can be minimized to a certain degree.

This is not ripping the bandaid off quickly. This is the opposite of ripping the bandaid off quickly. This is tearing the corner of the bandaid up then slapping it back down again, over and over again. If you believe this isn't going to irrevocably damage these children, you are deluded. If you want to leave, you don't get to rip the bandaid off this time. You remove it with surgical precision, and that may take a couple of years. Anything else is pure selfishness and a gross disregard for the children who have no choice in their life and emotions being thrown around like a pack of playing cards every other month.

OP I'm going to describe my current situation to you as a different person in the same situation you are in. I'm four months into a new relationship, the man I'm with was with his ex partner for ten years and they have two children. He has no experience of "broken homes" and basically got a girl pregnant ten years ago and tried to make it work because he wanted his kids to have the full family experience. He obviously did grow to love the woman though, and they later had another child. Their relationship was very stale, toxic and known as the local towns "Jeremy Kyle" relationship as she would post all their dramas on social media, he also was not innocent in the respect that he would disappear for days on end drinking with friends etc. He had his own flat for years and fast forward three years and he meets me.... Technically still in a relationship with said ex but no intimacy for months.... We are crazily madly in love, click like I've never known in my life but she won't let go.... He felt so bad for her seeing her cry with heartache and so upset about his children not having the nuclear family life that he wished for them, so He split up with me, told her they would try again because he wanted to be a proper family despite the past toxicity.... 36 hours later he realised he had put himself back into a situation he was not happy in, he felt love for me that would never leave his mind and his children were going to grow up learning from him and his mother that disfunctional relationships were the norm... So he left and I made the hesitant but hopeful choice to give him a second chance. Him going back to her made him gain a sense of closure in the sense that he now knows it definitely is not what he wants and would never work, now he doesn't ever have to wonder "what if". You cannot sacrifice years of your life faking a relationship for the sake of family unit maintenance. Children in this day and age are surrounded by families with multiple dynamics, step parents, half siblings etc... It is healthier to show your children that sometimes the best outcome for everyone is to separate amd coparent rather than be together with cold distant resentment. You are giving your children foundations for which they will build their own future relationships from, don't teach them to settle, teach them to know it's okay when to know it's time to walk away and build something new. If the other man is not willing to rekindle things then that doesn't mean you should just muddle on with the children's father. Learn to be okay on your own, it's alright to realise you're walking down a wrong path, there is always time to turn back and tread a new one

@Shatandfattered that's an amazing post.

Yes you're right.

But I still think having Daddy home then splitting up again so fast is v bad for the kids. I think better to establish the non-romantic deal with ex and if a goer reconnect with actual lover and then plan reorganisation such as going a step forward with lover.

new man understood

This speaks volumes.
He didn’t fight for you?

@Lassy1945

*new man understood*

This speaks volumes.
He didn’t fight for you?

That's Hollywood bullshit. A decent man lets her sort out her own mind. She isn't a possession to be fought over by manly men. OP well done, that took some courage. I think it's obvious how you ended up in this mess. It could easily happen to many. I hope it works out well, though I would be cautious about new man necessarily being the right route.