I’ve fucked everything up

[TitOverArse]

Dh and I split at the end of 2019. No cheating on either side but I had a lot of resentment as he took a big promotion without telling me when dc were tiny meaning I was left to look after dc alone and couldn’t return to my job. I never really got over that and he couldn’t cope with me being angry with him all the time, ended up in separate rooms, no sex for years until it all blew up and I asked him to leave.

It was tough for dc and me for the first few months. Dh quickly moved on with a much younger woman which I struggled with and kept letting dc down. Then in about July I randomly bumped into an old friend from uni and we started seeing each other and everything seemed really great. New man met dc at the beginning of this year, they got on really well, I met his dc and we got on too. Everything seemed to be going really well.

But also in January DH starts appearing a lot again. Really making an effort with dc, being really nice to me. He wrote me several long letters explaining how sorry he was that marriage hadn’t worked, he knew he’d made mistakes and all he wanted to do was to make sure I was happy, etc. etc. He’d been dumped by younger girlfriend, obviously.

Long story short a few weeks ago I ended it with new man and exdh moved back in. We haven’t kissed or slept together or anything. He’s back in his old bedroom. Kids are really, really happy we’re back together. Dh spent yesterday with them booking a big holiday for us for Christmas and they made a little presentation to tell me about it. We all sat down last night together and had a takeaway and watched a film and it was all lovely.

But I just keep crying. I don’t want this. I am completely in love with the man I was seeing. I don’t want to kiss Dh, I don’t want him to touch me. The thought of going on holiday with him just leaves me completely cold. It will be lovely to spend time in the sun with dc but then as soon as they’re asleep I just want to get away and be on my own. But I can’t leave him again. I can’t do that to the dc after everything I’ve already put them through. I don’t think the man I was seeing would even answer the phone to me, let alone consider giving us another go if I told him how I really felt.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve once again tried to make everyone happy and I’m going to fuck it all up just because it’s not what I want.

@ConstantlyChanging

Why on earth didn't you date before moving back in? It's utterly weird that you are in separate rooms and haven't even kissed.

You are going to hurt the kids now but that's inevitable so you may as well do it soon.

This.

Don't teach your children this is what a relationship looks like.

That's what you're doing if you continue this.

They will think this is a normal, healthy relationship and dynamic between men and women.

You owe it to them to leave, if not yourself and your ex.

@Sunflower1970

Yes you’ve fucked everything up. In some ways you’ve made your bed and to save your kids any more pain you probably need to lie in it. Also, if you had loved the new man completely you wouldn’t have taken a cheating slimeball back

I'm one of the first to say if you are unhappy then leave but being brutally honest here I find myself agreeing with this poster.

(Apart from the fact he didn't cheat)

The holiday is a warning sign, I think, and this presentation he got the kids to do. He’s trapping you into this arrangement. You either live with it and that would include separate rooms in the holiday accommodation, or be clear with him that it isn’t working for you and tell him he has to move out. You owe your children a stable, safe, loving home but that does not have to include him being there. It sounds as though he came back because he’d been dumped or because the DC told him about the other man - or both. The other woman might have dumped him because he appeared bothered by your new man.
You need to separate your current situation from what happened with the other man. Whether or not there is anyone else for you, do you want to go on living like this? I send you very best wishes and hope you can move forward. You have to do what is in the longer term best interests of the children not what they appear to want now. If you know this is not going to be a happy home with him there, then I think you probably have your answer there.

@Maray1967

The holiday is a warning sign, I think, and this presentation he got the kids to do. He’s trapping you into this arrangement. You either live with it and that would include separate rooms in the holiday accommodation, or be clear with him that it isn’t working for you and tell him he has to move out. You owe your children a stable, safe, loving home but that does not have to include him being there. It sounds as though he came back because he’d been dumped or because the DC told him about the other man - or both. The other woman might have dumped him because he appeared bothered by your new man. You need to separate your current situation from what happened with the other man. Whether or not there is anyone else for you, do you want to go on living like this? I send you very best wishes and hope you can move forward. You have to do what is in the longer term best interests of the children not what they appear to want now. If you know this is not going to be a happy home with him there, then I think you probably have your answer there.

This, you probably need to kick out the Ex, and just be by yourself with your kids for a while and get on with life for a bit. The new man is gone, forget about him, no one likes playing second-fiddle

Tell your ex to leave. Your kids will be far more traumatized by growing up in a home where parents don't get on and don't love each other/show teacher affection than by having divorced parents.

Explain the situation to the man you're in love with. Divorce is tricky and having kids is tricky. Say nothing happened between you and ex and you felt like you had owed it to the kids to try but you really don't want to. Maybe there's still a chance there.

And even if there's not, no point staying with ex anyway.

Yes you’ve fucked everything up. In some ways you’ve made your bed and to save your kids any more pain you probably need to lie in it.

Err no. How do you think her children would feel knowing their mother stayed in an unhappy loveless marriage and basically lost her own life happiness, just for them? It would have to be done carefully but that is not what they would want for their mum long term.

OP I have a friend whose parents asked her at age 10 if she would be ok if mum and dad didnt live together anymore. She said NO! So they stayed together, unhappy, many affairs etc. She became a troubled teen, pregnant at 14, drinking, abusive relationship at 16, ran into a road and got badly hit by a car, anorexia. Deeply unhappy girl.

Now she is 40 and says her parents should definitely have split back then.

Long story short

Well these three words contain a lot don't they. OP has glossed over them to us, which is her prerogative, but she needs to have a proper think about what happened there, if only to avoid similar mistakes in the future. What on earth was the thought process?

I've no idea how you solve this particular situation but there aren't that many options.

If you leave again (or make your ex leave again?) you run the risk of everyone blaming you for being flaky and fucking them around. They wouldn't be wrong, honestly. Best case scenario is that your children come to understand in years to come why you had to do it.

If you don't see yourself falling back in love with your ex, the above scenario will be looming sooner or later anyway. I think you're going to have to suck up being seen as the bad guy, sorry.

I guess another option might be living with your ex as amicable co-parents rather than a married couple? If he's moved back in but you haven't even kissed and are still in separate rooms, is he really desperate to resume that side of things? Unusual but some people can make it work with respect and good communication.

You and DH both mutually made the decision to get back together so I agree with PP that you owe it to your children to give it your best shot. It’s fine to split with kids involved of course but it’s pretty shit on them to faff around back and forth, split and introduce to new partners then reunite and then split again and then who knows what?

For their sake I think you owe it to them to avoid any further upheaval for now and to try your best to make your marriage work. Organise couples therapy immediately and sole therapy for you. Work towards sharing a room and a bed again. Make time to spend with one another when the kids are in bed. Stop avoiding him. Try not to make any grand future plans, take it a week at a time, but give it your all. DH couldn’t have moved back in unless you’d fully agreed to it, you actively chose to dump the new bloke. You’ve made some big decisions here but write as though it all just happened to you and you don’t know how, when that isn’t true.

Completely think people should leave if unhappy - I did it myself
The problem is the getting back together and doing it again to the kids which is a horrific scenario in my head
If you do this then maybe it is a case of fall completely on your sword - admit to everyone that you completely fucked up in taking him back but that you cannot do it.
I do believe that if your kids and family know that you accept full responsibility for the change of mind then they will come to forgive you.

I don't understand either - you love the new man and everything was great, but jumped straight to having Ex move in, without exploring your feelings or trying to build your relationship back first?
Agree that this chopping and changing will likely cause a lot of confusion and hurt for your children. So you can just carry on and do your best to give this another go, or kick out your ex again - but as PP said, to be by yourself with children, rather than bringing the other man back, or finding a new one. It will be too much for your children!

If there is no cheating or abuse involved I would actually recommend trying to make it work.

I was separated and my DC (age 3 at the time) was fine with it. Didn't know any different and everything was going fine. I then made the fooling decision to get back together with my ex, he moved back in for 2 months and my DC was over the moon. In the end I ended things, and maybe it was the right thing to do as there was some abusive behaviour, but my DC was distraught and 2 years later still struggles with it. It's been two years of hell for my DC for a two month long reconciliation! It was such a huge mistake on my part and I will always feel guilty about my decision. I should have left things as they were (separated) or stayed committed to making it work once he'd moved back in. I wish I had known the impact it would have.

I hope you don't make the same mistake and that you can work things out.

Ah, OP, I suspect you fell for your exH "I have changed and its all going to be different" ploy. Of course you are going to give it a go if thats what you wanted. Sadly, you tasted another relationship, which, by all accounts, was good and you were in love. You haven't given much detail of how you have gone from being in love with your boyfriend to then moving your husband back in to the spare bedroom, no kissing etc. It all seems very, very odd. You dont love him because you moved on to someone else and started making a life for yourself. Its hard to come back to the beginning again. You can try and get to love your husband again or leave. Both are difficult situations for you.

Why is the ex a "cheating slimeball" @Sunflower1970? Sounds like you might be projecting a bit.

OP you really need to work out what you want and stick to it. At the moment you are not being fair to anyone, including yourself.

I'm usually the first one to shout for not staying for the kids and to leave if its not working but your poor kids have been through the upheaval of the split, met a new man, then lost that and got their dad back in the house.

That's an absolute wrencher for them.i would suggest try counselling first. He's changed the juts you wanted changing but it's still not enough but it was enough for you to dump the other fella. You seem very confused so perhaps couples counselling will help you both, one way or the other.
If it's still not going to work for you, you need to carefully manage the split for the kids sake. Gently do things seperate ly, gently drop in conversation the seperate activities or plans etc, oh when daddy gets his new place, or perhaps dad can take you on holiday etc.
And pls don't introduce them to someone else so quickly next time or make such sudden life changing moves for them

You sound very much like me @TitOverArse in that you think you're doing the best for your family by desperately trying to keep it together while being so unhappy and unfulfilled. My situation didn't quite get as far as yours - dh has never moved out - but I feel like he's hanging on in there hoping things will magically be fine in the end despite me telling him I have no feelings for him and that we will never ever have sex (or anything else intimate) again. It was a year and a half ago that I finally plucked up the courage and told him this, and things are exactly the same. I am becoming more and more resentful by the day, and a lot of that is because I too had someone who was waiting for me, and now I've lost him to someone else as he had to move on with his life, understandably. I have stuck with someone I can't stand, and have given away something that could have been really special and I am so sad. DH seems prepared to just rumble along, has done nothing to even try to win me over, spends every day moaning about his work, and every evening sprawled out on the sofa watching his politics or his music. But then he books a caravan holiday for October and thinks he's dad of the century. I think you and me both need to take a deep breath and just say what we want. I certainly don't want to spend the next 40 years of my life like this. I had wanted a future with someone I loved and who loved me, but I ruined that. Don't ruin your future out of a sense of duty OP! Your happiness matters. Please be brave and tell him to leave and stick to your guns. You're not going to magically fall in love with him again. Especially if you have such strong feelings for someone else. Time to move on. Good luck xx

Dh moved back in due to lockdown - his office closed, he normally works away mom-fri so it made no sense for him to stay in his flat near his closed office. There was nowhere to rent nearby so I (stupidly) said to stay here until somewhere comes up. I thought this would be best for dc and dh and I were amicable so it didn’t seem too weird.

Then once dh was here the dc were so happy and he was being so good with them and had stopped doing all the things that I’d complained about for years. It seemed to just make sense to try and give it another go. New man was understanding but I can’t imagine he’ll want to speak to me again.

I just feel such a bloody idiot that I thought I’d feel differently. I can’t stop crying. The thought of doing anything with dh just seems so fucking lonely.

You've somehow got swept away and blurred boundaries because your ex moved in because of lockdown. Many coparents moved in together during this last year.
Remedy this by contacting the man you love and explaining your current living arrangement made sense due to the national lockdown, you are merely coparenting and have not pursued a romantic relationship with your ex. Ask for another chance. Set a date for your ex to move out as it doesn't suit YOU to have him in the family home. Your children need you to do what's right for YOU.

Have you spoken to new man, told him it him you want. That you have been stupid to allow ex back into your home and explain the situation I.e. he's in the spare bedroom, nothing has happened and take it from there.

What ever happens ex is not for you, divorce and separate properly. He saw you as an easy option, dumped by the younger model and straight back to the exwife...Good enough now aren't you

You might love the new man or not but I don't think that's the issue. Take him out of the equation and think.

You aren't together with your H, are you? He moved in because of lockdown. How did it get from there to family holidays without any relationship? You can be a much closer coparenting team without a relationship. Even holidays etc. But do not start a romantic relationship if he turns your stomach. It's a weird form of self harm.

Clear boundaries. Firstly with H then share with the children.

I think end it with DH quickly get him out again and try and move forward. Get divorced so he knows you mean it. He wont have changed anyway I dont think men do. Let the uni friend go whilst you liked him you couldnt have seen a future with him or you wouldnt have let him go.

Focus on kids and your new family of 3. You will be happy again

Tell him to leave. With the kids. He's their dad so he can have them full time.

I’ve just told dh that I don’t want this. I was sobbing in the sitting room and he just pretended not to notice and asked me about the recycling which is what he always used to do when I was emotional. I told him that I didn’t love him anymore, nothing is going to make me love him again and that I want him to go back to his flat and we’ll sort out between us how best to make sure he spends time with dc. He didn’t even look surprised or upset, just said “so is it the brown bin or the green bin that needs to go out?” He makes me feel like I’m going mad.

Good on you for telling him to leave op

You know that you made the right decision then.

He hasn’t changed underneath.

So contact new man and tell him that you still have feelings for him and you’ve told the ex to leave.