Thoughtless DP?

[curlycharlie]

I'm not too sure if this is the right place to post so apologies if it's not! I've been with my DP for a few years now but we don't yet live together. He comes over most nights (when he doesn't have his child). My issue may sound ridiculous but I'm starting to get a bit irritated.

He has his child every other weekend and also a random one or two nights in the week for dinner. On the day/s he has his child randomly for dinner he will text me a couple of hours before hand to say that he won't be over for dinner. Fine, no problem. But it's becoming more regular that I'm getting food out of the freezer to defrost for dinner and then he's not letting me know he won't be over until the last minute.

This has happened today - I've got plenty of food out this morning for dinner to defrost and he has just text me to say that he is having his child for dinner. I saw him this morning and there was no mention of him not coming back this evening.

I've brought this up with him on a few occasions, could he let me know the day before that he won't be coming just so that I don't end up wasting so much food. He took it as me trying to tell him what to do, or on one occasion took it that I had a problem with him having his child!

I know in the grand scheme of things this is not a major issue but I'm getting fed up of not being told about plans that technically impact me (well, involves me ending up binning food I've bought).

Any advice on how to tackle this as the last few times I have didn't go down too well and it's still happening?

So stop taking things out of the freezer that will be wasted. It sounds like he is a considerate dad to his child.

Surely anything you take out of a freezer today will be OK for a couple of days anyway.

Obvious answer is stop cooking for him...

If you’re happy with him arriving at short notice then tell him to bring food on those nights.

I don’t think having a child is a good excuse for being rude and cancelling plans in a long term relationship, it’s his job to balance the different parts of his life and invest in them equally so I wouldn’t put up with being ditched on the day.

But if you are, then he brings food on the nights he’s expecting your hospitality/company.

Why on EARTH are you cooking this man dinner every time he comes over? He doesn't bring stuff and cook you bloody dinner and clean up? Pay for a takeaway at yours? You've made yourself into a restaurant he can access as he pleases, so of course it 'didn't go down well' when you brought up that he's an inconsiderate boyfriend.

I wouldn't put up this. Just STOP cooking for this guy. Make food for yourself. He shows up, tell him to get his own bloody food because you're not a drop in restaurant.

He strops, tell him to get out, which is what you should have done when he started doing this.

Stop allowing him to tell you when he will be over. Instead he should be asking to call over or have set days where he comes.

I would just have his portion for lunch the next day. Imagine if he told his child that they couldn't go to his house because you had defrosted some food how would that make a child feel ?

@curlycharlie Agree with @DartmoorChef 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sounds like a good Dad! I’d just cook it all abs have leftovers for lunch or something the next day 🤷🏻‍♀️

@pumpkinpie01 That's not what I said at all? At no point have I said I wanted him to not have his child due to me defrosting food, I wanted advice on how to tackle this subject with him again (about giving me more notice).

It sounds like he is a considerate dad to his child.

It sounds like he’s decided having a child means he can take the piss out of his girlfriend. You can be a considerate parent while maintaining a regular contact schedule. You can’t be a considerate boyfriend if you keep cancelling on your girlfriend.

Do you have to defrost it in advance? On the days I'm cooking food from the freezer, I get it out just before and defrost it in the microwave.

I agree with other posters that this doesn't address the underlying issue which is that he is being inconsiderate. He should either commit to coming or, if he really can't commit, sort out the food himself.

If you’re not making him food you won’t need notice about meals. But you can and should expect notice on drop in visits and he shouldn’t be making plans with you and then cancelling at short notice. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it’s rude.

If you can’t have a calm, sensible conversation with him without him getting defensive, making untrue accusations or playing the “my child comes first, don’tchaknow I’m a daaaaad” then he’s not a keeper.

Hugely irritating. Not much you can do. His response is all kinds of alarm bells to me. He should at least recognise your frustration rather than shut you down, even if he can't change the scenario.

You've been together a few years, what's holding you back from living together?

Does he contribute to shopping at your house?

Do you spend time with his child?

How sure are you he's actually hit his child when he lets you know last minute?

Yes, it's inconsiderate not giving you as much notice as he can, but is he agreeing/asking to have his DS at the last minute?

Why are you throwing out food? It's unnecessary, just have it the next day/for lunch. Cook fresh food. Tell him to puck up dinner on his way over.

I can see both sides, on his part he wants to see his child as much as possible so doesn’t want to say no, but it’s courteous to you to give you more notice. I would say stop using food from freezer. Or stop cooking for him.

[quote curlycharlie]@pumpkinpie01 That's not what I said at all? At no point have I said I wanted him to not have his child due to me defrosting food, I wanted advice on how to tackle this subject with him again (about giving me more notice). [/quote]
You don't. You've already tried and it 'didn't go down well'. STOP being a convenient, free restaurant for this man. Cook for yourself. He shows up, you tell him to go get food for himself from now on because you wasted so much food.

You've been together a few years, what's holding you back from living together?

Who would want to live with an inconsiderate person like this? Plenty of couples don't live together and it's no bad thing.

If you cook too much or defrost too much, save it for the next day or when you’ve cooked it, it can go back in the freezer.

His not informing of you what he’s doing and cancelling plans is rude and I’d just stop cooking for him. If he can’t be bothered to let you know his plans, why should you bother cooking for him.

I think I would tell him it's up to him to let you know when he IS coming at least the evening before, otherwise he will have to fend for himself on the food front. it might make him a little bit more thoughtful, but there again, it might not.

Maybe it is more to with the last minute cancelling rather than the food.

Does he know beforehand that he will have the child or is it a last minute decision based on an ad hoc conversations with the child's mother? Because if it's the latter, then really, there's not much he can do. If, however, he and the mother agree at the beginning of the week which days he'll have the child then surely he should just tell you then?

Basically, if you default to spending all your time together except when he has his child, then he should be telling you when he has plans to have the child as soon as he knows so you can factor it into your decision making.

Alternatively, stop cooking for him unless he specifically says he's coming over.

Stop cooking for him then? He can bring food if he is coming over. He should be giving you more notice but you seem to be waiting on his say so. Make plans of your own maybe so you aren't hanging on him coming over?

As an aside, food that has been defrosted correctly in the fridge will last at least 48 hours after being taken out so that sounds like an excuse to be cross to be honest.

He’s rude. Stop being always available. If he says he’s coming round ( cheeky assumption) say you’re out tonight. Let him ask when he can come and cook dinner for you.

@curlycharlie

Maybe it is more to with the last minute cancelling rather than the food.

No. The food is a part of it. He assumes he doesn’t need to give you notice because you’ll still be there waiting for him with food when he deems you worthy. Stop cooking for him and he’ll either get pissed off and fuck off or realise that you aren’t just there at his beck and call and that he can’t just change plans with you.

I always got the idea that baby showers were more about a few very close family and friends getting together to support the birth of a woman's first child.

This.

Just stop doing it, don't cook for him. If he turns up just say casually "wasn't sure if you had xxxx today so I didn't take any food out. You can cook if you like?" And leave it at that.
I'd be peed off too, surely he knew he'd be having his child this morning?

Stop cooking for him. Take out enough food for yourself, if he wants to come over, he sorts himself out.