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Original poster

Thoughtless DP?

90 replies

curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 14:00

I'm not too sure if this is the right place to post so apologies if it's not! I've been with my DP for a few years now but we don't yet live together. He comes over most nights (when he doesn't have his child). My issue may sound ridiculous but I'm starting to get a bit irritated.

He has his child every other weekend and also a random one or two nights in the week for dinner. On the day/s he has his child randomly for dinner he will text me a couple of hours before hand to say that he won't be over for dinner. Fine, no problem. But it's becoming more regular that I'm getting food out of the freezer to defrost for dinner and then he's not letting me know he won't be over until the last minute.

This has happened today - I've got plenty of food out this morning for dinner to defrost and he has just text me to say that he is having his child for dinner. I saw him this morning and there was no mention of him not coming back this evening.

I've brought this up with him on a few occasions, could he let me know the day before that he won't be coming just so that I don't end up wasting so much food. He took it as me trying to tell him what to do, or on one occasion took it that I had a problem with him having his child!

I know in the grand scheme of things this is not a major issue but I'm getting fed up of not being told about plans that technically impact me (well, involves me ending up binning food I've bought).

Any advice on how to tackle this as the last few times I have didn't go down too well and it's still happening?

OP posts:
Original poster
curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 21:55

@workingfortheclampdown To be honest I think we've got in to a bit of a routine of him expecting dinner when he's here.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/04/2021 21:57

Out of interest do you ask if he is having his child that day? Could you not check before defrosting something that he is going to be there or not? If not, then have an arrangement that you buy and cook your own food in the week
This will sort the issue of the wasted food.

It wont sort the issue of your partner being an inconsiderate twat, and worse in my opinion, being able to have a sensible grown up conversation about what is a really minor issue, without blowing up and accusing you of not wanting him to see his kids. This raises big red flags to me. A normal person in a normal relationship, if they'd just been thoughtless, would say 'oh yeah sorry, I didnt think about the waste of food, I'll try and let you know the night before next time'. Refusing to do this and having a stop and accusing you of being 'controlling' makes him sound like a stroppy hormonal teenager at best.

I think you really need to think if you want to continue to have a relationship with someone who gets this worked up about sending you a text.

Howshouldibehave · 14/04/2021 22:00

[quote curlycharlie]@workingfortheclampdown To be honest I think we've got in to a bit of a routine of him expecting dinner when he's here. [/quote]
Then that’s your problem.

Sounds like you’re saving him a few quid!

I’d stop cooking for him completely and say you didn’t know he was coming so cooked for yourself. Maybe things will change.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 14/04/2021 22:03

I'd text him on the afternoon he's coming over and tell him to bring something to cook for you both for tea.

Tell him it's his turn and you've not taken anything out of the freezer as it gets wasted when he doesn't organise his life.

Tell him tea is on him for the next week.
Mean guarantee he'll let you know then op.

And for reference I just wouldn't be happy supplying and cooking his meals when he doesn't even consider to let you know he's coming over or not.

What a fucking cheek

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 22:04

[quote curlycharlie]@workingfortheclampdown To be honest I think we've got in to a bit of a routine of him expecting dinner when he's here. [/quote]
Why am I not surprised? So how often do you go to his and he cooks dinner and cleans up? Does he bring ingredients, sides, condiments, beverages? Suggest a takeaway and pay for it in return for all these meals he's had at yours? Why are you letting this man take advantage of you like this? He sounds like a crap boyfriend, tbh.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 22:05

These men are 10p a punnet.

Howshouldibehave · 14/04/2021 22:16

[quote curlycharlie]@Chocobo11 That's why I'm annoyed I think, he would have known he was having his child today when I spoke to him this morning but he only told me this afternoon (by which point I'd got the food out). [/quote]
Do you not have a, ‘when will I see you next-are you here tonight?’ conversation when you say goodbye?

Original poster
curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 22:20

@Howshouldibehave Not really - he's here pretty much every night other than when he has his DC (which is why I get annoyed about not knowing when he's having them until the last minute - not just about potentially wasted dinner, but I could have planned to do something else that evening but it's too late by that point!).

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/04/2021 22:21

When does he cook for you? He does now- no more meals for him. ‘If you’re coming over tonight can you get something to cook for dinner thanks’
See if he stops coming over!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 22:21

FFS, QUIT cooking for him, and STOP not making plans around him. He's using you.

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2021 22:22

[quote curlycharlie]@Howshouldibehave Not really - he's here pretty much every night other than when he has his DC (which is why I get annoyed about not knowing when he's having them until the last minute - not just about potentially wasted dinner, but I could have planned to do something else that evening but it's too late by that point!). [/quote]
STOP being so available. Make a date with friends/the gym/ shopping if open after 6pm next week and tell him you’re out that night. (Tell him the day before, not earlier)

Howshouldibehave · 14/04/2021 22:24

[quote curlycharlie]@Howshouldibehave Not really - he's here pretty much every night other than when he has his DC (which is why I get annoyed about not knowing when he's having them until the last minute - not just about potentially wasted dinner, but I could have planned to do something else that evening but it's too late by that point!). [/quote]
Does he give you money for food? Does h ever cool for you?!

RachelRavenRoth · 14/04/2021 22:25

Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner every night like he lives there anyway?! Especially when he is a selfish, angry asshat.

Stop making his dinner.

Maybe tomorrow night when he rocks up at your house to be fed ask him what he is making.

RachelRavenRoth · 14/04/2021 22:27

I could have planned to do something else that evening but it's too late by that point!

Why are you waiting for him to let you know when you can go out?! Plan something anyway. He should check to see if you are free.

Honest to god op this is ridiculous. You are being used.

Cockenspiel · 14/04/2021 22:29

Echoing everyone else here;

  • why are your ‘waiting’ on this man?
  • is he even contributing towards the bills / food?
  • why doesn’t he bring food himself or cook?
Guavafish · 14/04/2021 22:31

I’d just stop making him dinner or ask him to buy his own food. Don’t centre your routine around your partner.

Also just ask him in the morning if he having his son that evening.

HollowTalk · 14/04/2021 22:31

So this bloke basically comes round when he feels like it and doesn't bother telling you in advance if he's not. And he's not coming round causes you inconvenience and you lose food because you've cooked it for him. And when he does come round that costs you as well? He's pretty useless isn't he?

LifeExperience · 14/04/2021 22:33

It sounds like you've made him the focus of your life while you're only an afterthought to him. Men do not get more thoughtful as a relationship progresses. He will only get worse. Armed with that knowledge, proceed accordingly.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/04/2021 22:36

I had a similar issue with my DP a few years ago. We had ‘set days’ but there would always be something that threw them out. So I’d be expecting him and text him about 5.30 asking what time he’d be here, only for him to say it’s parents evening or he’d swapped with his ex because it’s her birthday or something. So I’d have made dinner for him only to find out that he wasn’t coming (but had definitely mentioned it Hmm )

In the end I just told him I couldn’t work with such flakiness and that he needed to be more communicative. I also said I expect him to get takeaway one night and cook or at least help prepare food the other night.

Otherwise it ended up with me cooking every night and him getting takeaways at home and then still getting a night off cooking every time he was here.

If you’re supposed to be a partnership he needs to keep you in the loop (even though that means potentially disappointing you, as it’s still better to tell you sooner than later). My DP realised he sometimes isn’t clear because he doesn’t like disappointing me or his DCs so he almost keeps us both hanging until the last minute when he has to say what’s actually happening. Could it be something like that for him? (Giving him the benefit of the doubt here!)

In the end I told him I’d rather see him once a week and know for sure that he wasn’t going to change it, than have him potentially 3 nights a week, but have him chop and change at the whims of his ex and DCs. (It was rarely anything as important as parents eve btw. Quite often it was just their mum wanting a night at the pub instead of looking after them).

cordelia16 · 14/04/2021 22:52

@osbertthesyrianhamster

FFS, QUIT cooking for him, and STOP not making plans around him. He's using you.
^ this

you cook for him, you wait around for him, you let him get away with not respecting your time... why wouldn't he love this arrangement?

Maskedrevenger · 14/04/2021 23:12

Is your life some sort of throw back to the 50’s where your man expects his dinner on the table when he gets home from his big manly job?
Take his child out of the equation for a minute, even if he came over the same set nights each week why are you the one doing all the cooking? Why is he the one who decides when he comes over anyway, don’t you get a say in what happens in your own home? Have you tried saying no to him just coming over as and when he likes, how does he react? This is really not a problem with his child it’s a problem with him.

Haffiana · 14/04/2021 23:12

[quote curlycharlie]@Howshouldibehave Not really - he's here pretty much every night other than when he has his DC (which is why I get annoyed about not knowing when he's having them until the last minute - not just about potentially wasted dinner, but I could have planned to do something else that evening but it's too late by that point!). [/quote]
I think this is why he doesn't tell you in advance. The food is a red herring here. He doesn't want you to have a night out to do something nice that you have planned for yourself.

He is massively disrespecting you, OP. The fact that he also has the actual gall to get stroppy with you when you point this out would have me dumping him on the spot. If you want this relationship to work then you need to make it crystal clear to him that you will not put up with this. It is not how people who love and respect each other would behave.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2021 00:07

[quote curlycharlie]@workingfortheclampdown To be honest I think we've got in to a bit of a routine of him expecting dinner when he's here. [/quote]
So? Stop it

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 00:10

Work on the assumption that he won't be round unless he explicitly tells you he'll see you tonight. Get one meal out. When he calls last minute or turns up unannounced, tell him to bring his own dinner.

If he says to you "see you tonight" when he knows he won't, sumo him

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 00:12

[quote curlycharlie]@Howshouldibehave Not really - he's here pretty much every night other than when he has his DC (which is why I get annoyed about not knowing when he's having them until the last minute - not just about potentially wasted dinner, but I could have planned to do something else that evening but it's too late by that point!). [/quote]
Also, make you own plans and tell him actually I'm seeing Sandra tomorrow, oh I can't see you tonight, Jesse just called to meet up. Don't be sitting there with his dinner waiting for him every night in the hope he blesses you with his company

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