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Original poster

Thoughtless DP?

90 replies

curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 14:00

I'm not too sure if this is the right place to post so apologies if it's not! I've been with my DP for a few years now but we don't yet live together. He comes over most nights (when he doesn't have his child). My issue may sound ridiculous but I'm starting to get a bit irritated.

He has his child every other weekend and also a random one or two nights in the week for dinner. On the day/s he has his child randomly for dinner he will text me a couple of hours before hand to say that he won't be over for dinner. Fine, no problem. But it's becoming more regular that I'm getting food out of the freezer to defrost for dinner and then he's not letting me know he won't be over until the last minute.

This has happened today - I've got plenty of food out this morning for dinner to defrost and he has just text me to say that he is having his child for dinner. I saw him this morning and there was no mention of him not coming back this evening.

I've brought this up with him on a few occasions, could he let me know the day before that he won't be coming just so that I don't end up wasting so much food. He took it as me trying to tell him what to do, or on one occasion took it that I had a problem with him having his child!

I know in the grand scheme of things this is not a major issue but I'm getting fed up of not being told about plans that technically impact me (well, involves me ending up binning food I've bought).

Any advice on how to tackle this as the last few times I have didn't go down too well and it's still happening?

OP posts:
Carryonlikeaporkchop · 14/04/2021 16:51

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Wrong thread?

harknesswitch · 14/04/2021 16:52

Maybe it is more to with the last minute cancelling rather than the food

For me it's exactly what you said in your op, it's about him being thoughtless.

It appears he's presuming that he can come and go as he pleases without letting you know, it also appears that he's expecting you to feed him, again without a thought to how this affects you when he decides he's not coming over. He's really not thinking about how this affects you at all

HollowTalk · 14/04/2021 16:55

He's completely out of order.

Does he give you any money for food or does he ever cook for you?

HellonHeels · 14/04/2021 16:58

When do you go to his for dinner?

Original poster
curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 17:03

@Chocobo11 That's why I'm annoyed I think, he would have known he was having his child today when I spoke to him this morning but he only told me this afternoon (by which point I'd got the food out).

OP posts:
Tomyoneandonly · 14/04/2021 17:04

This is difficult to answer as you both clearly want whats best. If you dp don't know until last minute then that's when you will find out. It doesn't sound like he wants to affend you he wants to be there for his dc. Talk talk talk lightly about this regularly as its not that bad its extremely annoying though I get annoyed dumping food. You will work something out I'm sure. Be polite and talk.

Monr0e · 14/04/2021 17:07

It sounds like he's beginning to take you for granted and that you are sitting around waiting for him. He doesn't consider how a last minute cancellation might impact on you or your plans. I know it's hard at the moment but I'd try and be a bit less available and see if that makes him realise how inconsiderate he's being.

RantyAnty · 14/04/2021 17:19

Some more information might help give better answers for your situation.

Do you have DC of your own?
Does he pay for your food shop?
What is stopping you from moving in together?
Does he take you out places, go on holiday together?

Babygotblueyes · 14/04/2021 17:24

Why cant he give you more notice? Is he not getting more notice himself? How old is the child? Are the arrangements made directly with the child, or with another adult? The fact the he 'misunderstood' you that you either wanted to control him, or didnt want him to spend time with his child is a red flag for me. I think he knows this is disrespectful but either doesnt want to stop, or feels trapped. So he is rude and inconsiderate, or a wimp.

ThatOtherPoster · 14/04/2021 17:33

This is easy. Stop cooking during the week. Just say - cheerfully - it’s hard to cater when his schedule is so changeable, so you’re happy to do your own thing food-wise during the week and save dinner to the weekends. Stay happy and calm. He’s a grown man. He knows how to eat.

KurtWilde · 14/04/2021 17:45

If he has his child on an ad hoc basis during the week, perhaps he doesn't know which days they'll be. My DC will often ask if they can see their dad on a random weekday. I message to ask if it's doable and we go from there, so this kind of set up does exist for some of us.

I agree with PP who have said just stop getting food out, plan your week as if he won't be there and if he is then hopefully he'll be able to fend for himself! Alternatively stop being quite so available.

Karwomannghia · 14/04/2021 17:47

What is it you can’t cook from frozen?

cheeseismydownfall · 14/04/2021 18:05

Impossible to advise unless you know for certain whether he knows in advance that he is seeing his DC

If he's prioritising seeing his DC at short notice, he is being a good father and although it is obviously frustrating for you, you shouldn't interfere.

If he knew that he was going to be seeing his DC, and equally knew that you would probably be expecting to see him, then he is being at best thoughtless and at worse deliberately playing games with you.

Original poster
curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 18:24

@cheeseismydownfall He knows what days he is having his DC in advance. The latest he would know is the day before.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 18:28

[quote curlycharlie]@cheeseismydownfall He knows what days he is having his DC in advance. The latest he would know is the day before.[/quote]
So stop cooking for him! And honestly, I'd bin him because he sounds really inconsiderate. How often do you go to his for a cooked dinner? How often does he come to yours with a takeaway, bottle of wine, Coke, whatever? People like this aren't usually inconsiderate in a vacuum.

HotSauceCommittee · 14/04/2021 18:46

Tell him to sort himself out, meal wise, then you have some cheese on toast and a wank and after that put your feet up. If he turns up great: cock without cooking, if he doesn't, you've had a nice evening chilling.

sunnyzweibrucken · 14/04/2021 19:09

Well based on your latest posts he's inconsiderate as he knows the day before but you aren't "important" enough to give you a heads up the morning of????

I would cook food and eat the leftovers. Or I wouldn't cook at all or just cook enough for myself and if he did pop up then he'd be responsible for feeding himself.

Original poster
curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 19:49

@Babygotblueyes He's not giving me more notice because he's just not thinking about how it may impact me. He always knows in advance when he's having his DC, even if at the very latest it's the day before. His DC is 8 so contact is arranged through their Mum and DP.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 14/04/2021 20:49

Yeah he's an inconsiderate arse. No doubt about that. Question is OP, without him spitting his dummy and accusing you or being controlling (which is bullshit), what can you do other than not cook for him?

Babygotblueyes · 14/04/2021 20:51

[quote curlycharlie]@Babygotblueyes He's not giving me more notice because he's just not thinking about how it may impact me. He always knows in advance when he's having his DC, even if at the very latest it's the day before. His DC is 8 so contact is arranged through their Mum and DP. [/quote]
Ok, then he lost the last benefit of the doubt I was extending to him. He is just being highly disrespectful of you. He must know by now how this impacts you because you have told him. He just doesnt think it is important enough to change what he is doing. I am sorry, this is horrible for you.

SortingItOut · 14/04/2021 20:52

He knows you will always be there waiting for him so he doesn't tell you in advance.
He doesnt respect your life and your time.

What hobbies, friends and family do you have outside of your boyfriend?

Start building up your hobbies and social life and stop being so available for him. Plan your week without him and if you're too busy to see him tell him.

Are you going to his ever or is he always coming to yours and expecting you to play wife by cooking for him?

Littlepaws18 · 14/04/2021 20:59

Why should whether you take something out of a freezer impact him seeing his child?!! Baffled by that.

wobblywinelover · 14/04/2021 21:44

@SortingItOut

He knows you will always be there waiting for him so he doesn't tell you in advance. He doesnt respect your life and your time.

What hobbies, friends and family do you have outside of your boyfriend?

Start building up your hobbies and social life and stop being so available for him. Plan your week without him and if you're too busy to see him tell him.

Are you going to his ever or is he always coming to yours and expecting you to play wife by cooking for him?

This exactly, he's taking you massively for granted. Tell him to step up or step out.
Original poster
curlycharlie · 14/04/2021 21:46

@Littlepaws18 It doesn't!

OP posts:
workingfortheclampdown · 14/04/2021 21:52

What happens if you don't have food for him? Lots of posters have suggested not taking food out for him, how would he react?

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