Thoughtless DP?

[curlycharlie]

I'm not too sure if this is the right place to post so apologies if it's not! I've been with my DP for a few years now but we don't yet live together. He comes over most nights (when he doesn't have his child). My issue may sound ridiculous but I'm starting to get a bit irritated.

He has his child every other weekend and also a random one or two nights in the week for dinner. On the day/s he has his child randomly for dinner he will text me a couple of hours before hand to say that he won't be over for dinner. Fine, no problem. But it's becoming more regular that I'm getting food out of the freezer to defrost for dinner and then he's not letting me know he won't be over until the last minute.

This has happened today - I've got plenty of food out this morning for dinner to defrost and he has just text me to say that he is having his child for dinner. I saw him this morning and there was no mention of him not coming back this evening.

I've brought this up with him on a few occasions, could he let me know the day before that he won't be coming just so that I don't end up wasting so much food. He took it as me trying to tell him what to do, or on one occasion took it that I had a problem with him having his child!

I know in the grand scheme of things this is not a major issue but I'm getting fed up of not being told about plans that technically impact me (well, involves me ending up binning food I've bought).

Any advice on how to tackle this as the last few times I have didn't go down too well and it's still happening?

You say you have been together for some years. What is your relationship with his child? How old are they? Can you maybe suggest dinner for 3 once in a while?

Does he have any reason for its being so last minute? Child's mother in an unstable childcare scenario? Teen falling out with mum?

If none of that is possible, why not?

Get out of the routine again then. Next time you see him, tell him you’d like him to start buying and cooking dinner.

Make plans to do something of an evening once or twice a week.
Stop sitting there waiting for him to come round.
You're acting quite subservient to him.
Stop arranging your whole life round him.
Have a normal relationship where you both do things independently of each other.
At the moment he does his thing and you sit there hoping he'll turn up.

@curlycharlie

I agree with pp's who've said ''Why are you letting him 'decide' whether or not he's coming to your house that night ?

Honestly, I'd be 'surprising' him (now that things are opening up again), by telling him (when he's arrived at your house), ''Oh, we've already eaten and we're off out now, sorry ''. Then take your kids out (anywhere he can't go eg a friends house).

If he gets all 'pissy' about ''why didn't you tell him you'd made plans?'' just say ''Oh, well I didn't know if you were coming for dinner or not, because you hadn't said''

Give him the same 'distracted' and 'last person to tell' treatment a few times ! Stop being so bloody 'available' all the time !
And definitely say that from now on, he can buy or prepare the meal when he comes over (on a set day and time !!) which does not change at the 'whims of his ex' !!

Stop arranging your life around this man. If you want to go out and do something, make arrangements. Don't 'not' do so in the off chance he's not seeing his dc.

If he turns up and you're not at home then tough. Or if he rings and wants to come over, simply tell him you're seeing friends

The same with tea, if he arrives and hasn't told you, he sorts his own food out.

I also sincerely hope he's contributing financially towards all this food he's eating/wasting

Stop being so available to him. He’s really treating you shabbily. Does what he wants, eats all your food, doesn’t have the courtesy of telling you if he’s turning up, wasting your food. It’s quite a list of disrespectful behaviour and I expect that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

As others have said stop cooking. Don’t always be there every night when he’s free/feels like it. Be busy a few nights (even if you aren’t) so he can’t come over and get him to pay for some food/takeaway. Have you ever asked him for a contribution? You’ve let him get far too comfortable at your expense.

I think someone else said the same but its worth pointing out again because its important- he doesnt let you know until its too late to arrange anything else that he isn't coming over as he has you exactly where he wants you....at home on your own.

Its a form of control without you even realising, you're literally waiting for him all the time and not making your own plans.

I know all the replies are a lot to take in but you've barely replied to some if the questions asked.
Hopefully you're taking it all in and realising what you have isnt right.

He's taking you, your time money and food for granted which is probably why you feel frustrated, it's not just wasted food. I would have a chat and just ask him to let you know if he is coming rather than if he isn't. Then depending on how much notice you get/ what you have in/ whether you are in/ you can let him know if he can come and if you'll be able to make him tea or if he needs to sort himself out. Make sure you are making your own plans and also choosing meals / eating to suit yourself. I suspect that some of the frustration is that you are amending your life/wants to suit him and he is disrespecting that.

Time to make a change OP! Put yourself first.

I think you definitely need to make a stand in this relationship-being somewhere to stay so he can drop in for a meal and to get laid surely isn’t how you want to live your life?!

Sounds like a very convenient routine he’s chosen for you- you provide food and sex on tap. Time for a different routine, he can buy food, cook, clean up or buy takeaway for you both. Every time. It’s only fair.

Yep this is nothing to do with food. When I read it, it reminded me of someone I was recently involved with. If i asked him to limit his contact with others to reduce my risk with covid I was telling him what to do. Similarly if I asked him not to sit right next to his friend in the cinema I was jealous of the friendship (With a woman). Similarly if I asked him not to stay at his friends every other weekend during covid then I didn't want him to have friends. And so on.

There's a reason these men are seperated. They can't see others pov, can't discuss and compromise, and see the very worst motivations at every opportunity. You can't reason with them because they see any compromise or modification to their default behaviour (I.e. single person rather than part of a couple) as being controlled by you. He hasn't also got a 'crazy ex' has he?!

I've brought this up with him on a few occasions, could he let me know the day before that he won't be coming [...] He took it as me trying to tell him what to do
This is rubbish OP. He thinks you're being bossy when you ask him to do you the basic courtesy of saying whether he is coming or not? He should be letting you know with plenty of notice so that you are not sat twiddling your thumbs wondering if His Majesty is going to give you the honour of a visit.

My exh was similar - would not let us know that he was going to be late, even if it meant me and the kids having to change our plans or sit waiting somewhere for an hour.
I now have a bf who texts me to apologise if he is going to be ten minutes late, and I honestly wonder why I put up with the disrespectful treatment for so long.

I'd be very tempted to wait until he's definitely got in his car and driven halfway to your home before texting him to let him know you've gone out for the evening and won't be meeting him today / ever again.

Stop being so available. Stop catering for him during the week, tell him to eat at home. Or better still, don't tell him anything and if he turns up, tell him the kitchen's shut! And don't hold back from making social arrangements on the off chance that he'll deign to show up. Honestly? Most of us grew out of dancing attendance and waiting for men to show up/phone by the time we were 25. Let him worry about whether you'll be there for a change!