Want to be nothing but happy for my friend, but...

[LittleRed53]

A good friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago that she's pregnant. I was so happy for her I almost cried- also because this is the first time someone I'm quite close to is having a baby.

A few days ago she had her first midwife appointment, and texted me right after to tell me incredible news- it's twins! I was shocked and amazed and incredibly excited for her.

This evening she just shared the news on a group chat we have with mutual friends, and it suddenly just hit me and I started crying. The thing is, since I was a kid, for some reason I've always loved the idea of twins, and as my mother lost twins, I know there's that slightly higher chance... Whether reasonable or not some part of me always felt twins were part of my destiny. I know how silly that sounds. I've had 4 beautiful babies and I am utterly grateful for them, yet each pregnancy I wondered if it could be twins, and each time when I found out it wasn't, a part of me couldn't help feeling sad

Now I'm going to watch my friend live this experience that I've always wanted, and I know I won't have, now (my health won't allow for another pregnancy). I'm so happy for her, but I feel like I'm now grieving what I'll never have. And of course I know it's unreasonable for me to be sad about this when there are people (like someone very close to me who I love dearly) who can't have children at all, and here I am with my big family.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How do I deal with this sadness?

I have no intention of ever telling my friend how I feel, I just want to be supportive and kind to her because she's amazing and I know it'll be hard work and not easy for her.

Found out she was having twins at her first midwife appointment? Unusual.

How do you have 4 kids but nobody you know has kids? All sounds a bit odd.

I know quite a few people with kids, but I met them after their kids were born. I've never been close friends with someone while they were pregnant, only acquaintances.

The midwife did an internal scan and saw two babies, two heartbeats.

I'm not sure why that's odd...

You have 4 healthy children..sorry but I really think you're being a bit silly about this.

I think you’ve really got to try and let the sad bit go and focus on the happy part, say I’m so pleased for you! I always thought it would be lovely to have twins! Just try to be positive.

You lost me at "grieving".

Hi currently pregnant... This dosnt add up.

You don't find out about twins until the first scan at around 12 weeks.

First midwife appointment is a booking appointment, they just take history, blood pressure and book you in for other things ect. No belly examination at all. Your next midwife appointment is not until after the first scan....

I think you should be a good friend and support her every step. Twin pregnancies are not easy and are higher risk, I bet she would rather have a straightforward single pregnancy if she'd had to choose!

Since when do midwives do scans?

Weird post - assuming it'a true then you're being very unreasonable - you've had 4 kids - she's just pregnant with twins, she's not out the woods and may face difficulties along the way - just be grateful you've got 4 kids as many people can't have kids

I'm sorry you're feeling so confused and sad. I find your reaction a little odd but you can't help how you feel. If you have memories of your mum losing your twin siblings then those feelings have perhaps been brought to the surface?

Would it help to talk this through with your mum or other family members?

You're right, your friend will need support and want you as a friend to be there. As you know from your mum's experience, twin pregnancies are high risk. Only 40% of twin pregnancies go full term and there are lots of possible complications in multiple pregnancies; dangerous for mother and babies. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom but hopefully those facts will be sobering and stop you romanticising the idea of twins.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to come to terms with your friend's news. It might help to frame this in your mind as a positive thing; a chance to experience twins in your life. You can be an "auntie" to them, watch them grow up and hopefully be a part of their lives.

Don't beat yourself up about your reaction.

For someone who has had four children, you should know more about the first midwife appointment.

I'm in France, I guess things are done a little differently here. I get the impression that some PPs are almost suspicious that my friend is lying, but that's definitely not the case.

She will have the regular 12 week scan, but her midwife had a machine in her offices and so offered one while she was there. She's currently at 9 weeks.

@TheVolturi you're absolutely right, I know. She's excited but also understandably worried, about the pregnancy and life with two newborns, totally normal way to feel! I've already told her she's welcome to various baby equipment and clothes from my lot. I really am happy for her. I'm just sad too.

I guess I'll be told to give my head a wobble. And I'm sure I should. Maybe it's tiredness making me overly sensitive about this. I just know that right now I'm feeling really sad.

It would happen if the friend has had fertility treatment. She will have had a scan at 7 weeks and know if she is expecting twins.

Is your friend going private OP? I twice had private healthcare via a very well known fertility clinic in the UK & the midwifes all did transvaginal scans at 8 weeks to verify if it was a single or multiple pregnancy

Ah yea I France she will have a scan at every visit with the MW throughout her pg!!!

*midwives

I can see others have confirmed the same experience as me & your friend OP (though I was in the UK)

Sorry for biscuit OP.

@ShutUpAlex...not unusual at all
Midwives can do additional training to be mdwife sonographers and have done for at least the last 35 yrs
My firstborn was a case study for training midwife (a colleague) 35 years ago

Thank you @SmileyClare the facts are sobering and you're right, I know it's not unicorns and rainbows for my friend.

You are being frankly ridiculous

You're unreasonable to be 'grieving'. You have 4 children.

It's okay @BlueTiles, I've seen the biscuits on MN many times but never actually knew what they mean...

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