Want to be nothing but happy for my friend, but...

[LittleRed53]

A good friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago that she's pregnant. I was so happy for her I almost cried- also because this is the first time someone I'm quite close to is having a baby.

A few days ago she had her first midwife appointment, and texted me right after to tell me incredible news- it's twins! I was shocked and amazed and incredibly excited for her.

This evening she just shared the news on a group chat we have with mutual friends, and it suddenly just hit me and I started crying. The thing is, since I was a kid, for some reason I've always loved the idea of twins, and as my mother lost twins, I know there's that slightly higher chance... Whether reasonable or not some part of me always felt twins were part of my destiny. I know how silly that sounds. I've had 4 beautiful babies and I am utterly grateful for them, yet each pregnancy I wondered if it could be twins, and each time when I found out it wasn't, a part of me couldn't help feeling sad

Now I'm going to watch my friend live this experience that I've always wanted, and I know I won't have, now (my health won't allow for another pregnancy). I'm so happy for her, but I feel like I'm now grieving what I'll never have. And of course I know it's unreasonable for me to be sad about this when there are people (like someone very close to me who I love dearly) who can't have children at all, and here I am with my big family.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How do I deal with this sadness?

I have no intention of ever telling my friend how I feel, I just want to be supportive and kind to her because she's amazing and I know it'll be hard work and not easy for her.

Midwives don’t do scans, and as others have pointed out there’s absolutely no way they would find out it’s twins at her first midwife appointment. They don’t scan you or anything and it’s too early to listen to the heartbeat.

Either your friend is telling porkies for some reason (is she a drama llama? Might she be pretending it’s twins for the excitement and then claim she lost one later? People do some weird shit) or something isn’t adding up with what you’re telling us, sorry...

The only way I can relate at all is that I wanted children more than anything and don’t have them.

You have four.

You are incredibly lucky.

Twin pregnancies aren’t always straight forward and come with higher risks. One of my sisters is a twin with a developmental disorder caused by problems in the womb due to being a twin. She was considerably smaller than our other sister and has the mental age of a three year old and will never be continent or live independently. My friend had a high risk pregnancy with twins and nearly died. One of her daughters has BWS, they’ve spent her earlier years with feeding problems, growth problems, she’s needed tongue reduction surgery and she’s at much greater risk of tumours and other complications. Another friend has twins and was advised to abort her boy (boy girl twins) again due to complications of a twin pregnancy. He’s had problems with his skull and his legs and has spent most of his three years in and out of hospital having surgery. Twins aren’t a Disney movie. Careful what you wish for.

For PPs picking up on the word grieving, I apologize if that's in any way offensive. Of course I'm not suggesting this is on the level of a death or anything. Simply that the psychology involved in loss- whether for a death, a home, a marriage, a dream etc etc is actually universal, even if there's a wide range of severity.

As I said, I am well aware of how fortunate I am to have my children.

Oh the thread updated a lot since I started my comment. Can’t comment on France’s way of doing things.

You know you’re being utterly ridiculous so keep reminding yourself of that.

I disagree with other posters.

If it think it’s crazy you are grieving. You have somehow created this potential future for you with twins I and the reality has just hit you. Probably it should have done so before when you realised that your health wouldn’t er allow you another pregnancy but somehow the dream was still there.

It hi Kim did the same when I was dreaming g I would have a 3rd child whilst knowing dh wanted to stop at 2. On paler it’s crazy to grieve fir something you’ve never had, esp when you already have a family
However, I think you still grieve.

As to what to do. I think the only way is to know you are grieving. Let the sadness come. It will prob come and go in waves until. The pain has gone

Feel sad for a bit. This has triggered some sadness from somewhere, not necessarily directly about twins.
Then onwards and upwards and enjoy your life as it actually is.
[

@NameChangedForThisFeb21 I'm so sorry, I realize my post must be ridiculous and hurtful from your point of view.

And thank you for sharing that about your sister and your friends' experiences. Consider my head very wobbled.

@AsterixGoesCamping @MalagaNights Thanks a lot for being kind. I'll take your advice to heart.

I had a private IVF pregnancy and had a scan at my NHS booking in appointment at 11 weeks which was in addition to the standard 12 week scan.

I also had NHS scans from 7 weeks due to recurrent miscarriage.

I’m sorry for your difficulties in having children @NameChangedForThisFeb21, I can’t imagine how painful and infuriating threads like this are.

OP, are your four kids asleep? Go and look at them from the bedroom door and have a think about how ridiculously lucky you are to have even one healthy child, let alone four. I have one and won’t be having any more and I genuinely find myself thinking every hour or two across the day how incredibly lucky I am to have a child. One child. To want a child and be able to have one is like winning the lottery of life when you consider the number of things that can go wrong, how many people only have losses or can’t conceive, the many people who undergo expensive and painful fertility treatment for years on end without a child at the end, how many people would kill to adopt but won’t be approved. If your awareness of how astonishingly lucky you are isn’t enough to take the edge off your grief I really think you ought to seek professional help. There must be something deeper.

@Sitchervice

Hi currently pregnant... This dosnt add up.

You don't find out about twins until the first scan at around 12 weeks.

First midwife appointment is a booking appointment, they just take history, blood pressure and book you in for other things ect. No belly examination at all. Your next midwife appointment is not until after the first scan....

Not always, I felt something was wrong and had my first scan at 5 weeks where they identified twins. Each pregnancy is different.

I think people are being a bit harsh to the op.

OP, like you I always envisioned having twins as there is family history. The. I miscarried twins 16 years ago and still feel a bit sad when a friend announces twins, even though I have 2 amazing awesome children that I wouldn’t change.

And yes it did feel a bit like grieving ( though I would more saw mournful/wistful) about what might have been and changing my idea of motherhood.

@VanillaCokeZero I can definitely understand why my post must make you feel I can't possibly appreciate enough the children I have, but as I said, someone very very dear to me has been unable to have children, and I've seen what that has done to her, to her life and her husband, so without ever being able to understand how it feels- of course I don't- I have seen clearly how awful it is.

I don't put this on anywhere near the level of that. Sorry if I've caused anyone any hurt by my post.

@TheLetterZ I'm so sorry about your miscarriage

Wistful is a good word for it. Probably better than grief, really.

OP I think your unexpected triggered emotion is probably more about you and your mum then really about having to have had twins.
The sudden emotion you described sounds very real, there is a real pain, sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what it is, but we just carry grief with us and sometimes it just unexpectedly arises.

You are sad.
It will pass again

@MalagaNights Thank you. I think you're into something there- those are wise words.

I definitely have serious issues in my relationship with my mum, which, due to various circumstances, are not possible to resolve for the foreseeable future. Maybe this sadness is tied in with that in a way that I just can't immediately understand. I don't know. I'll give it thought though. Thank you.

I’m struggling to have child no 2 after multiple late first trimester mcs. Count yourself extremely lucky and stop being so silly

Many desperate childless women post here, OP. Your use of the word ‘grieving’ to describe a situation in which you have four (presumably healthy) children, but not including the twins you wanted, is insensitive to the point of offensiveness.

I'll ask MN to remove this thread if it's causing offense. It truly was not my intent.

I’m hiding it anyway but I really think you need to get a grip and see what you’ve got. I’d give anything for four healthy children as would very many women on here. Real grief is never getting to hold them

You have 4 healthy children who you can look at while they sleep/eat/play/grow. I gave birth to 3 babies but only have 2 faces I can look at.

Pray to god you never ever know the true meaning of the word grief. It rips your guts out and makes you want to rip out your own eyes so you don’t ever have to see the things you can’t stop remembering. It makes you want to stop breathing multiple times an hour. That my friend is grief.

Go look at your kids and start worrying about the real stuff like seeing them grow

I would normally go to my best friend when I need a handhold or a head wobble, but she is the one with infertility, so of course I'd never talk about this with her- of course I can see how hurtful that would be.

I didn't know who else to talk to about this, and as I said, I was hoping for someone who had experienced similar feelings or could give my head the (hopefully gentle) wobble that I know it needed.

I guess I should have thought of how other MNers with infertility would feel if they read this. I apologize for that.

I don’t think your post is offensive op

As a sister of twins just take solace in the fact that everything is double- they get hungry, tired and poo at the same time, you have to buy two of everything including obviously throughout school/trips/gap years/uni costs/first cars. Everything has to be exactly equal to each of them. Mum was absolutely massive when pregnant with them so also the joys of twice the size of a single pregnancy...

The youngest one out had to spend a night in icu due to being oxygen starved waiting in queue to be born (but was absolutely fine) so there’s additional potential complications.

Realistically you have 4 children and unless you genuinely want at least 6 or had planned to keep going until you hit the twinpot, then it was always a wistful thought as opposed to factual reality.

The reality would be a lot of hard work, not least with 4 kids already! The attention required for twin babies would definitely impact your existing children to some extent.

Maybe you hoped to carry on the twin gene as a result of your mother losing twins? I hope you can allow yourself to acknowledge your sadness, then give yourself a talking to and be happy with what you have and just be happy for your friend.

When they’re born and you’re seeing the double trouble in action the rose tint around twins will fall 😂

@Amelia666 Thank you so much, that's exactly what I needed to hear. And thank you for the insight about my mum. I'll think about that.

You are right. You are being really unreasonable. You need to give yourself a good talking to. You are SO, SO privileged if your only pregnancy related grief is not having got pregnant with twins. Would love to be in that position.
You need to get a grip.