Want to be nothing but happy for my friend, but...

[LittleRed53]

A good friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago that she's pregnant. I was so happy for her I almost cried- also because this is the first time someone I'm quite close to is having a baby.

A few days ago she had her first midwife appointment, and texted me right after to tell me incredible news- it's twins! I was shocked and amazed and incredibly excited for her.

This evening she just shared the news on a group chat we have with mutual friends, and it suddenly just hit me and I started crying. The thing is, since I was a kid, for some reason I've always loved the idea of twins, and as my mother lost twins, I know there's that slightly higher chance... Whether reasonable or not some part of me always felt twins were part of my destiny. I know how silly that sounds. I've had 4 beautiful babies and I am utterly grateful for them, yet each pregnancy I wondered if it could be twins, and each time when I found out it wasn't, a part of me couldn't help feeling sad

Now I'm going to watch my friend live this experience that I've always wanted, and I know I won't have, now (my health won't allow for another pregnancy). I'm so happy for her, but I feel like I'm now grieving what I'll never have. And of course I know it's unreasonable for me to be sad about this when there are people (like someone very close to me who I love dearly) who can't have children at all, and here I am with my big family.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How do I deal with this sadness?

I have no intention of ever telling my friend how I feel, I just want to be supportive and kind to her because she's amazing and I know it'll be hard work and not easy for her.

Yes, seems very odd and also, given that you have four children, like others, I think you perhaps need to just quietly come terms with this without mentioning it to your friend (or anyone?)

@lerelaisdelachance I never said I've not experienced any grief besides not having twins. Please don't make assumptions and label me as privileged in that way, please.

[quote LittleRed53]@lerelaisdelachance I never said I've not experienced any grief besides not having twins. Please don't make assumptions and label me as privileged in that way, please.[/quote]
And yet you say that not having twins is real grief. If it really is grief, and you have known pregnancy related grief, and this is the same, then I am really sorry, because I know how awful that is, and I agree with the person earlier who said that you should seek professional help.

lerelais said pregnancy grief.

I am someone else, who also considers themselves incredibly lucky to have one child. And it definitely wasn’t easy. You really could have said this in a better way. You have no idea how privileged you actually are.

@lerelaisdelachance I explicitly said that I did not consider this feeling to be anywhere near on a level with the grief of infertility. I only said I used the word grief because it is recognised as a process of dealing with loss, which can apply to anything. I also apologized for using the word grief as in hindsight I could see why it would be upsetting to some PPs.

@Mummyoflittledragon I didn't realise I needed to specify, or that one form of grief over a death is worth more than another. Then I will specify- I know what pregnancy related grief feels like.

I really appreciate many of the responses here, thank you for those. Some really helpful and frank comments that have helped me see things more clearly.

Can we all get a grip here please?
I have no connection whatsoever to LittleRed53
If anyone else wants to post on this thread from now on, read the whole bloody thread before you do!!!
LittleRed53 has apologised profusely several times for inadvertently causing offence to anyone, and for coming across as insensitive and ungrateful.
What more do you want her to do?
If you've nothing constructive to say, then back off!

But op how are you 'dealing with a loss'??? You arent dealing with a loss..you have 4 children who are still with you. I think your post is highly offensive and insulting to those on here who have suffered the loss of a child, infertility, etc. Absolutely ridiculous

As usual on MN, if things don't fit exactly with the NHS way, you're given the biscuit...

I think you're getting a hard time here @LittleRed53

Four children is a lot of children, so maybe you wanted to feel like a special mother? Not just an ordinary mother but a special mother-of-twins! But being a mum of four is unusual these days.
Also, you're an English speaker in France so I bet you're children are bi-lingual.

I’m in the U.K. and can vouch that if you are high risk or have a background causing concern, it’s quite likely to have a scan through the NHS at seven or eight weeks with a midwife as part of the booking in process.

I can see that the OP is in France where they have a different healthcare system again but I just wanted to say that just because some people have experienced low risk/normal pregnancies it doesn’t mean what the OP is saying doesn’t and hasn’t happened on the NHS.

OP, hopefully you can think through all the negatives of having twins and look at the positives of having had your children already.

I always thought it'd be fun telling people ''oh guess what it's twins!'' but then after that part, the fantasy dies!

I had unusually high levels of HCG (?) and I had an internal scan at 8 weeks to see if it was twins. It wasn't. I'm so relieved now. When I look at my son, the thoughts of two of him As much as I love him........

Don’t Twins tend to skip generations (or so the old wives tale goes),and so you might be a grandmother to twins. Might still be your destiny!

@Kittykat93

You have 4 healthy children..sorry but I really think you're being a bit silly about this.

I agree.

You have four children.

Some people would find this hard if they could never have a child.

You need to get it out of your head that this is "part of your destiny"

I think it's typical of British people to think that the way the NHS does things must be the 'normal' way everywhere. Pregnancy care in France makes the NHS look like it's in the dark ages. You have hardly any appointments in the UK and they mostly consist of a midwife asking you questions. Very few tests, examinations or scans. We get a real skeleton service.

I get this in a way. I have have four pregnancy and now have three lovely kids. I am an identical twin. I always knew I'd be pregnant with twins at some point; I tick off a lot of the twin pointers (tall, but over weight, older mother etc). On my last pregnancy at my 8 week scan, I live abroad, the Dr said I had an extremely large yolk sacks, which is only present with identical twins. Sadly, only one heart beat was found. My aunts were identical twins so I knew that this pregnancy she'd be a girl. She said she was 95% sure I had been pregnant with twins. Whilst I'm please in an emotional and financial way, there's a part of me that's sad that I didn't get the chance to bring up identical twins the way I would like having been as a twin myself. I also think people are very in awe of twins and see it as cute but it's really a lot of hard work for everyone, especially the twins themselves as they forge their own paths and identity.

So I just looked up first scans in France. I also have a friend who lives in France and has a baby boy. Frist scans in France are Also at 12 weeks...

As someone who can't have kids naturally I find this utterly ridiculous and obnoxious.
We have twins in the family, it's not easy and you run much higher risks carrying and giving birth.
Why do ppl feel they're entitled to kids?

@Sitchervice

So I just looked up first scans in France. I also have a friend who lives in France and has a baby boy. Frist scans in France are Also at 12 weeks...

Just because that’s what it says online, doesn’t mean it will follow this pattern. Gynaecologists often have scanners readily available and will just take the pregnant woman to the scanner as a matter of course. Think of it a bit like the private sector here. That’s the service you would get over there.

I understand what you are saying OP, and I also appreciate that the terminology you used was tone deaf, seeing as this is a parenting forum and not everyone has had a successful pregnancy, let alone four.

You'll see your friend with her twin babies, and will probably still feel wistful about your twins who never were. But it will pass. Enjoy your children.

Your post hasn’t caused me any offence, but it’s truly baffled me. I can empathise with your feelings because I used to feel like that every time a friend got pregnant and I couldn’t. I’m at peace with it nowadays. But you’ve got four lovely children. Go and give them a hug and think yourself very lucky.

Enjoy what you have which is an awful lot. Can imagine having a tinge of envy or sadness but not to the extent of posting on mumsnet. 4 healthy children. Get real

How pathetic. Stop being jealous and be happy for her! You have 4 healthy children?! Grieving is a bit dramatic don’t you think

I always wanted twins until I had kids and the thought of having two babies at a time... I did get pregnant with twins and I had an early scan but lost one of the twins soon after. I then felt really guilty because I was overwhelmed with the thought of having twins and then I started worrying about the surviving twin.

Mostly though, after being around friends who can't have kids or who have poorly kids or with special needs I feel very grateful that i have kids and that they are healthy.

I will go against the grain (as usual) and say I think it’s normal to feel sad about something you always wanted. That’s just being human. Maybe for some it’s not twins, maybe it’s winning the lotto, or getting a new house or traveling the world, or finding the man of their dreams.

OP I totally understand. Ever since I was young I wanted twins. I got so big when I was pregnant I thought I was going to have twins and was disappointed when I found out I was only having one. And even now over a quarter of a century later when I hear about someone having twins I feel a little sad. But I also feel sad when people talk about hanging out with their moms as mine has passed many years ago. I get sad when I see happy couples as I have been single most of my life. I get sad my career didn’t take off like so many people I know. We are only human and there’s nothing wrong for feeling sad for things you wish you had as long as it doesn’t consume you and doesn’t overshadow your life.

I have twins and found at 6 weeks when I went for an internal scan as I thought I was miscarrying. I didn't have another scan until 12 weeks and from 16 weeks I had to go and have them every 2 weeks. Every pregnancy is different, carrying twins and subsequently looking after them is hard bloody work, to look at them yes they're all cute and you get to dress them up but the reality is 10x worse than you could ever imagine

OP I do kind of understand what you're saying as though you feel you're missing out, my sister has just told me shes pregnant and I'm over the moon for her, but did feel a little pang of jealousy as I would love another baby, but the two reasons i never have and never would is number one my age and number two, as I've had twins before I have a higher chance of having them again and that terrifies me more than anything. Be happy with your babies and if you're as close to your friend as you say then you will be in her babies lives and get to have all the good stuff by being an amazing aunty.