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Original poster

Can I just move out with DD?

94 replies

AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:06

20 years together and we have mutually agreed it's done. We can't afford the mortgage and a rental, although it could be possible if I rented a flat (he would never live in a flat)

He is the main earner, my work relies on his support with our two DC’s care. (we have 2 DC, 16 yrs loves their dad and 13 yrs) I've found a lovely little place very near to my work, DC’s school and the marital home which I could afford.

I would never be able to afford our big house on my own and I don't want the reminders, a fresh start is appealing to me.

No one inc DC know we are separating yet, can I just leave with our youngest and rent for a while to find my head instead of him swanning off with no DC to a rental leaving me to do everything in the marital home?

OP posts:
Insomnia5 · 11/04/2021 22:09

You want to move out with one dc and leave one behind? What do you have to do in the marital home that you wouldn’t have to do in the rental? I’m not getting this at all..

everythingcrossed · 11/04/2021 22:11

How would your older child feel about you moving out without him/her? I suppose, given their ages, your children's wishes to remain in the family house or movd to the flat would be taken into account but I wouldn't be going anywhere without legal advice.

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:13

I do, DD1 would naturally choose her dad and id be right around the corner for her if needed.

OP posts:
Eyevorbig0ne · 11/04/2021 22:13

Oh what about the eldest? I know you said they love their Dad but can you imagine their shock and sadness if they wake and you and their sibling have vanished?
It's good that you can afford to leave. But you may be liable for child maintenance unless you do 50 50 custody of the eldest? Surely the eldest will feel rejected? But you know your children.

Daydrambeliever · 11/04/2021 22:14

Get legal advice before you make any decisions.

MazekeenSmith · 11/04/2021 22:15

@Eyevorbig0ne

Oh what about the eldest? I know you said they love their Dad but can you imagine their shock and sadness if they wake and you and their sibling have vanished? It's good that you can afford to leave. But you may be liable for child maintenance unless you do 50 50 custody of the eldest? Surely the eldest will feel rejected? But you know your children.
I don't imagine she meant that she would do a moonlight flit!!

OP of course you can. But you must give your eldest the option to choose where she wants to live. If she wants to live with you then do you really want to move out and leave him at home with no kids?

Daydrambeliever · 11/04/2021 22:16

And I agree that no matter how much your eldest loves her dad, she will feel your absence keenly so please do offer to take her too. Your decision now could have a profound impact on your future relationship with her and her relationship with her sister.

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:17

I do know my DC, the flat has room for her to come and go as she pleases, last time we split, 8 years ago he moved out of the area and made it impossible to share childcare.

I just want to avoid that this time. And this time is final.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 11/04/2021 22:22

Is he a dh or dp?

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:23

@Longdistance

Is he a dh or dp?
Dh

Depts and mortgage

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 11/04/2021 22:24

You haven't really explained the issue. What is it you'd have to do in the house? Look after the DC? Or is it more than that? What?

Are you saying the 13yo doesn't love their dad? How would the DC feel about being separated like this?

If you divorce you will own more than seem to think. You won't only be dependent on your income for a rental, you'd own a share of the house too. Are you saying he'd want to buy you out? Or are you saying you want to separate but not divorce and you want to leave him in possession of what was the marital home?

I think you need to talk to a solicitor.

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:26

@Insomnia5

You want to move out with one dc and leave one behind? What do you have to do in the marital home that you wouldn’t have to do in the rental? I’m not getting this at all..
He moved out 8 years ago with no DC and did as he pleased miles away from his family?

Begged to come home after a few months

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 11/04/2021 22:28

So you're trying to trap him the house with a child, to stop him flitting away? How would that stop him? A 16yo can live alone or can, as you say, come and go to your flat.

How much childcare does a 16yo need? How is that the 13yo doesn't need the care that your work relies upon? I don't get it.

MazekeenSmith · 11/04/2021 22:28

@AhmenGwendolyn

I do know my DC, the flat has room for her to come and go as she pleases, last time we split, 8 years ago he moved out of the area and made it impossible to share childcare.

I just want to avoid that this time. And this time is final.

8 years ago your children needed childcare. Now they can function without you for periods while you work. Don't forget how much easier that will be!
titchy · 11/04/2021 22:30

OP it's an appalling idea and you will screw up your relationship with both children. And possibly their relationship with each other. Don't do it. However you dress it up one will feel abandoned, and one will probably not want to leave their home anyway but also feel guilty that you'd be on your own.

Tell your dh it's over. Tell the kids (together) it's over. Put the house on the market. Move with the kids into rented if you can't bear to stay. Otherwise buy somewhere when the house is sold.

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:31

@lottiegarbanzo

You haven't really explained the issue. What is it you'd have to do in the house? Look after the DC? Or is it more than that? What?

Are you saying the 13yo doesn't love their dad? How would the DC feel about being separated like this?

If you divorce you will own more than seem to think. You won't only be dependent on your income for a rental, you'd own a share of the house too. Are you saying he'd want to buy you out? Or are you saying you want to separate but not divorce and you want to leave him in possession of what was the marital home?

I think you need to talk to a solicitor.

There is no equity in the house plus credit card debts.

Dd1 and her dad would work really well together as would DD2 and me and if be just around the corner to help out.

He walked out with zero responsibility, I'm not suggesting that for myself.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 11/04/2021 22:31

This sounds like a very dodgy plan.

Insomnia5 · 11/04/2021 22:36

So you want to use your children as pawns to keep their father in check? How much childcare actually comes with a 16 year old?

KingdomScrolls · 11/04/2021 22:36

A friend of mine's parents divorced when he was admit 12/13 he was left with his dad as they were closer, his sister (3 years older almost) moved out with his mum, they weren't really given a choice they were told that's what was happening because each was closer to I've parent and my friend had a shared hobby with his dad. He's an adult now and doesn't have much of a relationship with either his mum or sister, it's sad he was especially close to his sister before it all happened. Take both children with you, it's not about him being footloose and fancy free, it's showing both of them you love them and are always there for them. However you frame it, you take one and not the other it will change your relationship with the eldest.

KingdomScrolls · 11/04/2021 22:37

It really sounds like you don't want the eldest.

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:38

@titchy

OP it's an appalling idea and you will screw up your relationship with both children. And possibly their relationship with each other. Don't do it. However you dress it up one will feel abandoned, and one will probably not want to leave their home anyway but also feel guilty that you'd be on your own.

Tell your dh it's over. Tell the kids (together) it's over. Put the house on the market. Move with the kids into rented if you can't bear to stay. Otherwise buy somewhere when the house is sold.

I know, I know, I can't afford more than 1 bed on my own to start with and it would be very close, I'd talk to DD, she would understand, I hope .

I've said put the house on the market, I've not told DC and we will do it together when right

OP posts:
Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:40

@KingdomScrolls

It really sounds like you don't want the eldest.
Me? I love her, I adore her, she tells me she prefers her dad.
OP posts:
Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:45

So it's ok for him to go but not me?

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 11/04/2021 22:47

This is all a bit 🙄
I wouldn't just leave this way.

Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:50

@Tistheseason17

This is all a bit 🙄 I wouldn't just leave this way.
I don't understand?

What do you think I should do then?

OP posts: