Page 4 | Can I just move out with DD?

AhmenGwendolyn · 2021-04-11T21:06:28+00:00

20 years together and we have mutually agreed it's done. We can't afford the mortgage and a rental, although it could be possible if I rented a flat (he would never live in a flat) He is the main earner, my work relies on his support with our two DC’s care. (we have 2 DC, 16 yrs loves their dad and 13 yrs) I've found a lovely little place very near to my work, DC’s school and the marital home which I could afford. I would never be able to afford our big house on my own and I don't want the reminders, a fresh start is appealing to me. No one inc DC know we are separating yet, can I just leave with our youngest and rent for a while to find my head instead of him swanning off with no DC to a rental leaving me to do everything in the marital home?

harknesswitch · 12/04/2021 14:00

You could do, but I'd consult a solicitor beforehand. If you left with both the dc you could force a sale via the courts if you wanted to get any equity (remember property prices are high at the moment). If your dh has a school age dc then you can't. I'd find out what your position is via a solicitor.

I don't see why you can't move out though. I presume you'll leave him to pay for the house and bills whilst you cover the flat?

Naunet · 12/04/2021 14:03

Could you not leave both children with their dad? If he makes more money and will be staying in the family home, maybe that would work, and then they can come see you whenever they want in your new flat around the corner?

KetchupOnTheFloor · 12/04/2021 14:10

You still should see a solicitor re separating even though you say there is no equity in the house, are there any other marital assets? Pensions etc.

Always get legal advice before leaving just so you know what the next steps are.

Branleuse · 12/04/2021 14:33

I think that you need to talk to your girls properly. Tell them that you and their dad need to live seperatly and that you really want them both to come with you, but that you understand at their age that they must be able to have a say in where they live. Also remind them that no matter what, you accept their decision and if they did decide to stay with their dad, that they can change their mind at any point and come stay with you and youd make it work.

Children being closer to one parent over another is normal and its also changeable. My dd was always really close to her dad, but lately seems to be me she talks to more.
Its really REALLy important for kids to not feel like their mother has abandoned them. The mother-wound can be the hardest wound to heal from, and no matter what she eventually chooses, she needs to know that you want her and she has a home with you

Original poster

AhmenGwendolyn · 12/04/2021 14:45

@Branleuse

I think that you need to talk to your girls properly. Tell them that you and their dad need to live seperatly and that you really want them both to come with you, but that you understand at their age that they must be able to have a say in where they live. Also remind them that no matter what, you accept their decision and if they did decide to stay with their dad, that they can change their mind at any point and come stay with you and youd make it work.

Children being closer to one parent over another is normal and its also changeable. My dd was always really close to her dad, but lately seems to be me she talks to more.
Its really REALLy important for kids to not feel like their mother has abandoned them. The mother-wound can be the hardest wound to heal from, and no matter what she eventually chooses, she needs to know that you want her and she has a home with you

Thank you for such a wise post. I've had a very small chat with Dd16 after she made a comment this afternoon about how miserable he is being as she has noticed it, obviously.

I told her I honestly don't know, we aren't in a great place right now. She surprised me and was very direct that he shouldn't be allowed to ignore me and cause arguments, there aren't any when he isn't home and she said if he isn't happy he can go and live on his own in his pristine flat with no mess or dog. I didn't expect that at all. Apparently he is grumpy and stroppy when I'm at work, there was me thinking it was all aimed at me?

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Wanderlusto · 12/04/2021 14:53

Your daughter sounds very mature op. Sounds like you could bring up that you are looking for a new place and ask how she feels about that and discus what you can afford with her ect...

titchy · 12/04/2021 15:47

she said if he isn't happy he can go and live on his own in his pristine flat with no mess or dog. I didn't expect that at all. Apparently he is grumpy and stroppy when I'm at work, there was me thinking it was all aimed at me?

And this is the child you were going to leave behind because she doesn't love you as much....

Xztop · 12/04/2021 16:16

Sorry if I'm repeating what others have said..
Please look at all options, I do a part time min wage job and, with the godsend that is UC, I can afford to pay the mortgage since splitting with my husband. You might be able to stay in the house (if you want!)
Also, as someone who's mum left them with their dad and took a younger child when they moved out, I would ask you to take your eldest with you unless shes dead set against it. I had to have counselling for it 20 years later it had such an effect on me...

Original poster

AhmenGwendolyn · 12/04/2021 17:03

@titchy

she said if he isn't happy he can go and live on his own in his pristine flat with no mess or dog. I didn't expect that at all. Apparently he is grumpy and stroppy when I'm at work, there was me thinking it was all aimed at me?

And this is the child you were going to leave behind because she doesn't love you as much....

I know, it was a stupid idea. I've started to look in to whether I can stay in the house with our DC and not think about his role in it all.

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category12 · 12/04/2021 17:27

It was a desperate idea, not stupid.

You might be able to find a solicitor who offers a free half-hour initial consultation to get you started.

ravenmum · 12/04/2021 17:38

I recognise that slightly panicked grasping for ideas at the start of the separation process, too.

You'll sort it out, with the right information and over time; as you say, you don't have to do everything at once.

Maybe your dh will be of slightly more use this time, but even if he isn't, the kids really are bigger and you won't be left to do everything. Mine were also exactly the same age when we split up. Once exh had gone it was pretty plesant tbh. He just took them out once a week but I didn't even consider myself a single mum.

Twatterati · 12/04/2021 18:12

Just a different opinion from a lot of the others....

When ex and I divorced we sold the family home and had two smaller places with one child each (of similar ages to yours, both boys).

It worked amazingly well. They're young adults now, get on brilliantly with each other and with both of us. Neither felt abandoned and both had undivided attention from one parent - and saw lots of the other one - during difficult teenage years.

It would have been impossible to contemplate when they were younger, I couldn't have imagined not having both of them with me BUT the teenage years can be really difficult and for all of us it worked really well. Both are well adjusted adults and I think are closer to us and each other because of the respective 'space' they had for those few years. In fact they now house share together with a couple of other friends.

Those posters saying it's awful, one would feel abandoned etc aren't necessarily right. We did discuss it A LOT beforehand and were very open. I know it wouldn't be for everyone, but for us, it worked.

Original poster

AhmenGwendolyn · 12/04/2021 20:08

@Twatterati

Just a different opinion from a lot of the others....

When ex and I divorced we sold the family home and had two smaller places with one child each (of similar ages to yours, both boys).

It worked amazingly well. They're young adults now, get on brilliantly with each other and with both of us. Neither felt abandoned and both had undivided attention from one parent - and saw lots of the other one - during difficult teenage years.

It would have been impossible to contemplate when they were younger, I couldn't have imagined not having both of them with me BUT the teenage years can be really difficult and for all of us it worked really well. Both are well adjusted adults and I think are closer to us and each other because of the respective 'space' they had for those few years. In fact they now house share together with a couple of other friends.

Those posters saying it's awful, one would feel abandoned etc aren't necessarily right. We did discuss it A LOT beforehand and were very open. I know it wouldn't be for everyone, but for us, it worked.

Thank you, I'm really pleased it worked out well for you all.

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Original poster

AhmenGwendolyn · 12/04/2021 20:11

@category12

It was a desperate idea, not stupid.

You might be able to find a solicitor who offers a free half-hour initial consultation to get you started.

I feel very stupid now but I guess you are right. I am desperate, scared, sad, confused but there is a part of me, deep down that knows DC’s and I will be ok on our own.

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Cherrysoup · 12/04/2021 20:45

Sell the house first.

Original poster

AhmenGwendolyn · 12/04/2021 21:11

@Cherrysoup

Sell the house first.

And live in it separately if he doesn't want to move out?

How long does it really take to sell a house, find new accommodation plus everything else needing sorting in the process whilst both working full time?

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SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 12/04/2021 21:58

You could seperate under one roof. I think you can apply for UC if seperated even though living in same house. But whether that's workable would depend how he'd behave, if he'd ramp up his current nasty behaviour. I'd work out the finances see what options you can afford. Check entitled website see how much UC you're entitled too, given his past behaviour I wouldn't count on CM. Take photos/copies of all financial documents debts, savings, assets (cars, pensions) mortgage. Once you've got everything organised if you can afford it go and see a solicitor. If there's lots of debt but he has a larger pension (and you're married) one option if it's worthwhile for you might be to agree you won't touch his pension if he takes on all the credit card debt. Same with mortgage if there's absolutely no equity and you can't afford to pay it going forward. You still need a financial settlement if there's zero assets but joint debts to sort house ownership/sale and divide any debts between you both.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 12/04/2021 22:17

I think you are very brave OP. I'm in a similar situation but scared to leave because I well and truly will be financially f**d. I will one day be strong and leave him.

moomin11 · 12/04/2021 22:29

I'm not sure why people assumed you were abandoning one of your children by thinking they would want to stay with their dad, that seems really harsh. When my parents split up that's exactly what we did - one went with each parent. No one felt abandoned. We were older, 16 and 17, but still. Our home was sold and they bought a flat each.