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Original poster

Can I just move out with DD?

94 replies

AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:06

20 years together and we have mutually agreed it's done. We can't afford the mortgage and a rental, although it could be possible if I rented a flat (he would never live in a flat)

He is the main earner, my work relies on his support with our two DC’s care. (we have 2 DC, 16 yrs loves their dad and 13 yrs) I've found a lovely little place very near to my work, DC’s school and the marital home which I could afford.

I would never be able to afford our big house on my own and I don't want the reminders, a fresh start is appealing to me.

No one inc DC know we are separating yet, can I just leave with our youngest and rent for a while to find my head instead of him swanning off with no DC to a rental leaving me to do everything in the marital home?

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 11/04/2021 22:50

@AhmenGwendolyn it's not about him or you, it's about making sure your children feel secure and loved not like burdens to be begrudgingly split one apiece. If he walks away from them they'll know he's a shit father. You say your eldest would prefer to be with you but you would leave her with him so he doesn't get his freedom? It's just awful.

titchy · 11/04/2021 22:54

I'd talk to DD, she would understand, I hope .

She's 16. She'll say she understands. But she won't. She'll feel abandoned, rejected. You're trying to justify it as she'd prefer to stay with her dad because it's convenient for you. But it'll have long reaching consequences for both of them. Not good ones. Please rethink.

Daydrambeliever · 11/04/2021 22:54

So it's ok for him to go but not me?

It's fine for you to go. But choosing one child over another to come with you WILL cause problems. Especially when you are only doing it to control his behaviour.

TheWaif · 11/04/2021 22:54

Who said it was okay for him to go? I don't understand what you mean? Does he want to go? Who's name is the mortgage/bills in?

indecisivewoman81 · 11/04/2021 22:55

Don't take one child and leave the other. Even if one child says they would be happy to stay.

I promise you it will feel like maternal rejection for the child that stays.

Things will never be the same between you again.

If it were me I would Stay for now; divorce split the assets. Your husband will pay child support etc.

titchy · 11/04/2021 22:55

@AhmenGwendolyn

So it's ok for him to go but not me?
It's not about who leaves, it's about who takes on the kids. If he leaves that's great surely.
Original poster
AhmenGwendolyn · 11/04/2021 22:56

[quote KingdomScrolls]@AhmenGwendolyn it's not about him or you, it's about making sure your children feel secure and loved not like burdens to be begrudgingly split one apiece. If he walks away from them they'll know he's a shit father. You say your eldest would prefer to be with you but you would leave her with him so he doesn't get his freedom? It's just awful.[/quote]
You've misread my post, eldest loves her dad more than she loves me

He isn't a. Shit dad, he is fab
|husband wise he is shit.

OP posts:
user1636853246842157 · 11/04/2021 22:58

@AhmenGwendolyn

So it's ok for him to go but not me?
The issue is your plan to take one child with you and abandon the other one.

However you explain it, that's how she will experience it.

Asking them both, allowing them free choice, and then acting on it - whatever it may be and without telling them your preference - is totally different from what you're proposing to do.

rjacksmiss · 11/04/2021 23:00

I don't think I quite understand the family dynamic, however you do deserve to be happy. Speak to the kids and let them decide what they'd like to do. Let your eldest tell you that she wants to live with her dad. She very well may end up holding against you if she's not given the option. Sounds like a shite time. You'll get peace soon when it's all over and you're settled. X

Unsure33 · 11/04/2021 23:01

Is it a joint mortgage? Is your name on the house ? If so you will still be responsible for payments ?

I agree you need legal advice

titchy · 11/04/2021 23:03

You've misread my post, eldest loves her dad more than she loves me

I bet she doesn't really. Equally maybe, but not more.

You and your dh need to properly talk about how to move things forward. The kids don't need childcare. Whoever houses them isn't going to have their life restricted in any way. Does he want to parent equally? Can you do one week each - maybe kids stay at the house. You and your dh rent a one bed and swap each week.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/04/2021 23:04

You've misread my post, eldest loves her dad more than she loves me

This seems like a really strange way to think about children's feelings towards their parents OP. You're reinforcing an inequality in the relationships if you've pre-emotively got a flat ready for you and her sister to move into with a room for her sister but without a permanent room for her too. She will feel rejected even if you justify the decision to yourself as being made because she loves her dad more... it feels really sad 😞

Xboxstolemychildren · 11/04/2021 23:04

If you're not going to sell the house and can only afford a 1 bedroom, I would leave both children and do a 50/50 arrangement that way neither child feels left out and if you that the flat you've found is a short distance, then the children should be able to come and go as they please.
Although at any age i couldn't leave my kids behind

popcornfrenzy · 11/04/2021 23:04

OP - I did exactly what you're planning on and let me tell you it doesn't bloody work! I left my DS with his dad for a year and 6 months later I'm still picking up the pieces. Although I spoke with him and it was his choice to stay he still feels like I abandoned him.

My DD had me all to herself for a whole year and now we're back as a family (lone parent) she's struggling with having to share me with her brother.

My DC were younger though so that's a huge factor - maybe have a trial and see how it goes?

Branleuse · 11/04/2021 23:09

I think it will be massively unsettling. I think it would be much better for him to move out and you stay there with the two kids

Pinchoftums · 11/04/2021 23:09

Jesus what a way to fuck up your relationship with your eldest. As well as the relationship between the siblings.
I will admit to getting childishly jealous of my sister over silly things now and again and we have a good relationship and I'm 46.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 11/04/2021 23:14

Are you worried your STBXH will fuck off again and not help with the kids and leave you unable to work (nightshifts?, 24h shifts?) and not pay the mortgage and leave you in a financial mess?

babbaloushka · 11/04/2021 23:17

Separating siblings really isn't ideal. The poor kids, they need each other.

Checkingout811 · 11/04/2021 23:20

I always was, and still am, a lot closer to my father than my mother growing up. We have similar personalities, the same interests & hobbies, the same sense of humour.
Me and my mother are very different and her and my sister were always a lot closer.
They separated when I was 17 and DSis was 15 and I came home one day to find my mother and sister gone. It hurt like hell and I have never gotten over the feeling of rejection and hurt from her to be honest.
We get along now and she sees my children, but she is so much closer to my nephew and it’s blindingly obvious who she favours.
Please do not do this to your eldest daughter. It will hurt her so, so much. Trust me.

HalzTangz · 11/04/2021 23:21

I don't get this, in a post further up you have said their will be room for your eldest to come and go as you please, but now sayings it's a one bed, so no room for either kid realistically.

I think you need to speak with a solictor, sell the house, talk to credit card company and see if you can reduce payments. You need a property that can with at least two bedrooms (assuming kids are both same sex), otherwise 3 bed.

At 16 hormones are also raging, you not taking the 16 year old would be viewed as rejection by them. You could end up with no relationship with them at all.

Also curious why you want to keep the husband around, surely if he decides to move away and not seen kids, that's risk he takes, kids may not want to see him when he comes back.

All this tells me you don't actually want to split, you want him in the house, with your kid (who I suspect you know will tell dad they want their mum and sibling back), and you play the oh ok I'll come back card.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/04/2021 23:27

I think at their age you need to give both of them the choice not decide for them .

The dc may not want to be separated .

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2021 23:29

No, it's not right for you to say "Right DD1, DD2 and I are moving round the corner. You're staying with Dad. Drop by any time!".

Regardless of whether she loves her dad more or that she would choose her dad, she should be given the option to stay with him or go with you.

It sounds as if you're trying to steal a march on him to guarantee he has parenting responsibilities as punishment for him leaving you to live the 'bachelor life' before. I understand your resentment, but don't use your children this way.

Lou98 · 11/04/2021 23:34

If the mortgage is in both your names then you would still be responsible for half of the payments, therefore you would have rent and a mortgage to pay. You can of course do this but it's something to think about.

A one bed flat isn't really ideal for you and a 13 year old. I would imagine they'll want their own space, especially with parents getting divorced it's important that he/she has somewhere that's their own space.

To be honest, the best approach would be to discuss it with your husband and kids and get the house on the market if neither of you can/want to buy the other out and then take it from there

ChronicallyCurious · 11/04/2021 23:36

Are you going to give her the option to come with you or are you just going to tell her you’re moving out and leaving her there?

babbaloushka · 11/04/2021 23:39

Should also add that kids are incredibly changeable. Just because she prefers dad now, don't rob her of the chance to have a good relationship with you.

At 16 my DM and I were worst enemies, I couldn't stand her and made no effort to hide how much I loved my dad. At 18, DM and I became really close, it was like a switch flicked, and we maintained that bond for the rest of her life; she was my best friend. But if you asked 16 year old me who I'd rather live with, I would have said him, no doubt.

As PP have said, you might think she'll be fine, but it's likely leave her feeling neglected, and vice verse for DC2, not to mention the fact they won't even have each other. Don't dictate their futures like this.

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